Author: livingseri

your God’s signs

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there are times when you need answers, God gave you answers in the most unexpected ways through unexpected people?
please believe in that.

i think i am getting some signs.

No. 1: My husband will always support me about becoming a housewife
No. 2: Out of a sudden, my teacher-mentor smsed me, although we were discussing about something, however, at the mention of her mother being in and out of hospital, my immediate respond was to tell her about my mother and she said she was actually thinking about my mother too. at the end of our conversation, she gave a simple straightforward statement. it brought me close to tears. and till now. i cannot stop thinking about it.

is it enough?

why is it so hard?

first distinction

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yes, first distinction after almost 7 years after i completed my degree studies. of course, i have always been proud of my results during my uni years, plus making it to the dean’s list in one of my most difficult semesters. that had been a sweet success.

but yes, a distinction in my first assignment for my specialist diploma in counselling. who would have though?! it had been a very very tough assignment ok. and i felt so studious working on it. i enjoyed it. and i was happy i still have that writing streak in me.

well whoever said counselling was easy eh? it was totally not and with all the role plays i have been doing, although half heartedly, i know it was not an easy thing to be asking the right questions. i still havent had that eureka moment on counselling, still quite confused with all the different therapies, and when to say what, what to ask, what is it that we want the client to achieve at the end of the session. there was a lot of thing to consider. especially who the client is. that already takes a lot of thinking and trying to understand what kind of a client someone is and which kind of therapy works best for him or her and what is the goal of the counselling sessions. let’s not talk about the many ethics you have to be aware of also.

so i get it now. it was not an easy job. but i guess, learning it had been fun, and it better worth the fees i am paying for, hehe. but i think, my learning journey is not going to stop once i completed this course. i kind of have a list of courses i want to take afterwards but it has to be at a general pace. cannot be taking everything at one time.

help me Lord.

against If

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Reading Rasul Mulia, Umat Mulia, Akhlak Mulia.
I came to the page where the author talked about the idea of ‘andai’ or ‘if’ in English.

it’s a dangerous thought where we can go towards losing faith and trust to Allah. Astaghfirullah. I may have been guilty of that many times. Those ifs moments. and even few days ago, i was struggling with the idea of ‘what if i dont do anything and regret about it later’.

it is either i do what i think i need to do and leave the trust, TAWAKKAL IllAllah. isnt that what we have always been teaching our students? but of course, if you dont do anything, how then can you put your trust to Allah.

why is it difficult to make a decision Seri. what is it that you want to achieve?

i hope i am clear to myself that i am leaving the decision to Allah and I trust He will take care of my family.
wow. i never know, becoming thirty makes me think alot about my inner self. you really start thinking about your purpose and what is it that you want to achieve. but the need to balance it out with the whole spiritual point of view of it. already i am starting to think that i am going back to those identity-building years and embracing it more because it is just me. but now the decision making is a whole different story. i have always been bad in decisions. i have always turned to God to lead me to what is right for me and believe that whatever i am doing now is at its right place.

and i am going to do just that. Ask for His guidance. no more If. it is either one or the other.

time travel

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i have always been fascinated with time travelling. although watching the movie Back to the Future wasnt what triggered it. it was actually the idea of angels, the Muslims ideal of angel, and the concept of light years or speed of light which i stumbled upon so many years ago when i was really into space and the universe.

and that this very concept was mentioned in the Al-Qur’an in Surah Al-Ma’arij:4
“To whom ascend the angels and the spirit in a day the length of which is fifty thousand years.”

i am blown away. the Qur’an and mathematical proof. i love time travel and sometimes i believe human, well at least, the human mind have that capacity and the possibility of doing it.

so i think i had the privilege of experiencing it during my first NLP class. i mean almost. it was this timeline therapy that the trainer was introducing to us. it has quite complicated steps and i wasnt sure it will work for me because my brain is still being conscious. my unconscious mind still quite dormant. it was some brain exercise there. but the key is to really tap into your unconscious mind and dont ‘think’ about it.

i went through it. and till now, i am still wondering how it was ever possible.

it was to get over anger, one out of five main human feelings. we close our eyes, relax and just listen and follow the instructions given by the trainer. i was brought into a recent moment when i was really angry. i thought i was quite a passive person and rarely got angry, but then again, i recalled a time i was really being angry, and an indication of it was that my hand shakes. got into that moment. so follow follow instructions, and what do i know. i was brought into one lifetime before i was born. and a picture came to mind.

i mean the image does not show much. it was more like a big field, almost like a desert, and i was looking at a van that was leaving me behind. but the feeling was definitely angry, for being left out, alone. when we ‘woke up’ from that experience, i was feeling really exhausted. the ‘travelling’ exhaust me. i asked my trainer, was there a meaning behind it? should i be worried about it? should i find answers? she said no. but till now, i can still clearly see that image in my mind. and wonder am i really out of anger now? well, i still feel angry now and then. that was me, well, that feeling i had was a me from before. i was totally stumped. i still can’t quite comprehend it. or i dont understand how it works. but i am one of a believer.

looking forward to my next NLP session and discover more! 🙂

the demonologist

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The DemonologistThe Demonologist by Andrew Pyper
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

i have always liked supernaturals, gargoyles, angels and fallen angels, biblical demons…hmm..quite ok, but not ghosts or menacing horror spirits. and of course, witches.

demonologist is a combination of classic literature and biblical facts and myth and especially, a lot of Milton’s Paradise Lost that i pretty much have a good idea what the classic is all about without having to read it!
what touched me most is the fatherly love that Ullman has for his daughter. i admire that and throughout the whole story, i was really praying that he will find his daughter at the end and so relieved he did. although i was hoping her emergence from her disappearance would be a bit more dramatic and impactful. and a bit more of explaination of where she had been when she was ‘lost’.

but this being the first of Andrew Pyper’s book i have read, it does make me interested to read his other novels. to the library here i come!

View all my reviews

womanhood

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so well, womanhood is just getting more real. im still getting over the traumatic moments of some medical checkups whereby for every uncomfortable claims that any woman made is pure pain to me. i am beginning to think that the reason i am not pregnant yet is probably because God knows i may not be able to take in the pain, and so He is sparing me all these trauma. wAllahu a’lam. we are trying and i leave it to Allah Ar-Razzaq and He knows what is best for us. at least, we still have each other.

oh hei, it’s june isn’t it? i did not even realise it and june doesnt mean anything to me because i have many tasks i want to be able to complete before the school reopens. well, except i will get 4 weeks of pure weekends. i applied for off-in-lieus for all my sundays coming back to work and thankfully it was all approved. i am so looking forward to truly spend the weekends with my husband. he deserves this and i owe him big time because he has just been patient with me all these while. my fate for the next 5 months starting July is not sealed yet. i have no idea what is going to happen and i do not want to think for it. i am just compartmentalising my brain and to do things one at a time, think and plan for things one by one and not everything at the same time, because it is going to be crazy.

i am a proud sister to my sisters who have just graduated last week and both gotten a job as soon as they had their convocation ceremony. siti in keppel and nuri in prison HQ. both getting the jobs they pretty much planned for. (even i dont plan properly, heck, i didnt know what i wanted to do back then and that’s why im stuck in this path). i am proud but i am also worried of what they are going to face in this harsh world. and more so the spiritual needs. i have been busy taking care of other people’s children, i barely think about my own siblings. i really dont know what have i been doing all these while. and that brings me to whether i am taking good care of my parents.

you see, my parents have had their days in the hospitals early this year. i felt it was a slap on my face that i have not taken care of them truly. and just recently i made more efforts to visit them and its becoming frequent nowadays. but my father still looks tired nowadays and my mother, she looked worst and being her, she is not taking this well. i want to be there for them, i want to cook for them and make sure they eat properly, i want to accompany them for their checkups, i want them to know i am here for them. and now that three of my siblings are working, except for the youngest, i feel that i could finally ease up on the financial needs and probably this is the time to take care of them.

except that i know, i have so many things i havent do back at work, i feel like no one can do the job im doing, although i dont think i am doing the job perfectly well either myself. so many expectations are dumped on me and i am afraid of letting them down. and maybe i am afraid of failing. i honestly could not fathom what is it that i am actually feeling.

but the crucial question will be, what if i dont do anything now, would i regret it later? would other people care if something happens to me and my family? definitely not, right? i am not a superwoman, and i cannot do everything. but maybe there is a hikmah behind all these and i just need to make a choice. the right choice. because i am feeling time is demanding me to take charge quickly and i am just being too slow.

and this guilt of knowing that i worked too much but not caring enough for my own family, my husband, myself. am i being fair? i can always say and pray that since i am doing so much for a holy place, surely God will take care of my family. but what if working too much means i am neglecting my own responsibility, my initial purpose and then bammm, i got hit on the face real hard only to realise it is too late to do otherwise?

i am now doing whatever i could. for every minute that i act i dont care, i am really thinking hard and my feelings just fighting within….and just maybe my unconscious mind will give me the answer i need.
well, old brain, maybe we need to spend a bit of me time…

ikhlas kah kami?

/ livingseri / Leave a comment

apa masih dipertikaikan?
ikhlasnya pengajar-pengajar kita?
apa masih lagi dituduh?
berkerja kerana duit? hamba kepada dunia?
kenapa masih ada jengkel
memandang hanya sebelah mata
iye, kami kecil dan kerdil

tidakkah mereka tahu?
kami tinggal di atas tanah yang mahal
kami makan…ahh..tidak selera lagi makan
sekiranya duit yang diusahakan
dibeli makanan untuk sekeluarga
menjadi pertikaian keihkhlasan

tidakkah mereka tahu?
kami bapa yang perlu mencari nafkah
kami ibu yang terpaksa tinggalkan anak2 kami dirumah
kami anak2 yang menanggung ibu bapa di hujung usia
kami pelajar yang perlu membayar yuran institusi
kami suami yang korbankan masa dan tenaga keluar mengajar
kami isteri yang korbankan masa dan tenaga keluar megajar
maka iye, kerana dunia korporat manusia hina,
kami berkerja kerana duit

tidakkah mereka tahu?
pekerjaan kami bukan untuk mereka
pekerjaan kami bukan juga untuk kami
setiap kata dan tenaga menjadi saksi
iye, kami hina dan kerdil

tapi ikhlasnya hati bukan hak mereka
tapi rezeki kami bukan hak mereka
tapi kerja kami bukan hak mereka
untuk dihitung dan pertikai

kami yang segilintir ini
tidak di pandang oleh manusia berkuasa
iye, kami hina dan kerdil

kami hanya ingin menempah syurga
kami hanya ingin digugurkan dosa
kami hanya ingin secebis rahmatMu

ahh..kami hamba yang kerdil
tapi bukan di mata mereka
jangan ditanya ikhlas kah kami?
ikhlas kah kamu menerima ilmu?
ilmu yang menjadi saksi kami nanti?

sadness

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I was in pain yesterday. today, this morning, I just feel sad. I feel sad that teachers were being doubted their sincerity in teaching. I feel sad that a parent accused teachers as not sincere in teaching. I feel sad that some people accused this mosque as being uncaring. I feel sad that they think we do not care for our students. I feel sad that my colleagues are being wronged. I feel sad that my colleagues do not have a good supervisor to look up to. I feel sad that there is so much sadness and disappointment happening in this place. I feel sad that we are being misunderstood for things that we did not do. I feel sad that we are being put to blame for all the mishaps in this society.

I feel sad that people do not understand us. I feel sad that people up there do not understand the difficulties we are facing. I feel sad that we do not understand one another.

Your God’s Love

/ livingseri / Leave a comment

i am in pain.
honestly.
and if anyone asked how does it feel to have a papsmear checkup? i would tell her its a nightmare.
it still is.
and no, i am NOT going to give you details about it. and NEVER will.
my level of pain tolerance was 0.
and like the crybaby i have ever been, the moment i see my mother, i burst into tears like there is no tomorrow.

but what i want to tell you here is how Allah sent me comfort and companion throughout the ordeal.
i went there alone with the innocent thought of it would be a normal checkup. but when it was not, i am just glad that there was a male doctor who lent his right hand to be ‘crushed’ by me and two female nurses who cared for me not leaving me alone for the next half hour i was left to rest in the doctor’s room. and one of them a Muslim nurse, whom i could ask some intimate questions.

and what are the odds that when i was well enough to walk, feeling alone and in pain and still feeling like i can faint anytime, i went to the taxi stand with not enough cash (although i asked my little sis to wait downstairs with some cash to help pay the taxi fare). with a long queue, i turned around and see a malay lady queuing behind me. i asked her. ‘Kak, could you save me this queue, i need to sit.’ she smiled and she said no problem, go ahead and sit.
and then, she asked, where i lived, i gave her my parents’ home and surprise surprise, she lived nearby, clearly, Hougang Ave 8 blk 677, why not we take the same taxi?

I am truly touched and I know this is God’s work. i am so grateful with His help when i was in pain and in need. Thank You Allah for taking care of me.

Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah.