Subhanallah.

I need to note this down because it is part of this search for myself phase that i am going through.

This morning i picked up the Qur’an. Used to be normal for me but i had to pick up this habit back again after quite awhile. And you know how i have been struggling with this mission:me and all these choices and fights i had between me and…me. So when i opened the book, taking where i left off, and subhanallah. The verse which came to me like a slap on my face. I do not know why and which part of my life but at that instant moment, it was like a wake up call to me. The beauty of the qur’an.

I have always believed in making connections with the AlQuran and always believed in finding answers from it. Always. I thought i have lost that connection but Alhamdulillah, that realisation hits me, that Allah still guides me. This weak servant still receives His mercy.

And the verse…well, that was me.. In times of need, i call up to Him and i will not deny that when i am happy and when things are ok..shameless. Whenever work was bad i asked Him to give me answers and tell me what to do but now i know…why do i seek Him only in times of need? When there are people out there in constant prayings and hoping to be in His mercy…we ask for this and that but we forget the blessings and the ni’mah already in front of us. I want all the goodness in life but i couldnt even give Him five minutes of my time in true prayer. Well, just last week the mufti was talking about the challenge to be khusyu’ in prayers. I wanted so much from God but i couldnt be what i am suppose to be. A humble servant. I feel like i have been doing it wrong all this while. The AlQuran is always like that. You can be reading it khatamulquran so many times but at just the right time and the right need, it just appears to you clearly and knock you on the head. Subhanallah.

Tell me, how many times have you read the verse:
“And when men is affliected by pain, he calls his Lord turning to Him passionately. Thereafter, when He blesses him with some favour from Him, he forgets that for which he was calling Him earlier….Can such people be equal to the one who worships during the hours of night, prostrating himself and standing, fearing the Hereafter and having hopes in his Lord’s mercy? Say can those who know and those who do not know become equal? It is only the people of understanding who receives the advice.” Az-zumar 8-9

And then He comforts me with the next ayat: “Say: o My sevants who believe, fear your Lord. Those who do good deeds in this world will have a good return and the earth of Allah is wide. Certainly those who observe patience will be given their reward in full without measure.” Az-zumar 10

When i came to that, i just had to stop and think about whatever that is going on in my life. Just few days back i was blogging and asking whether i gained rewards for serving the mosque and leaving my husband alone at home and ignoring my family altogether. How can i even question myself??!
Patience seri. Patience. This is the challenge the test that He gave me and i should be truly gratified because this challenge is nothing compared to some many people out there with real difficulties.

And then i was in dilemma of whether to continue doing this and get something else that pays more and then i realise again, patience seri. I have so many things i want to do and pursue. But i need to embrace what is already in front of me and do what is best because His rizq is wide. My time will come. And i will find time. Slowly but surely insya Allah.

He will guide me and my loves.

You know i remember there was a point in my life that i really stop finding and waiting. I really gave my full trust in Him that He knows what is best for me. I just stop looking. I saw people around me getting married one by one or having partners but i just stop having any emotional inclinations. I was going to do what is best for me at that time and it was an employment and making my family happy. I concentrated on that. And then Suhaimi came into the picture. I didnt realise it back then but true, it was that trust and tawakkal if i can put it that way. I didnt ask for love, it came to me. With flaws and all. But it worked. And nothing happened unless He wants it.

The point is. I return to that position. That giving wholly my destiny in life to Him. That true understanding of Him guiding me in this. I feel like tearing putting these thoughts here because i feel like i found my old self.

But its hard work. This journey will continue in contemplation.

One lesson in life at a time.

Thank You.