Author: livingseri

life in a table

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who would have thought. a timetable is all i needed to turn my life around? well not so much a major makeover of life, just to make sense of life, my everyday routine. to find purpose in this life.

i have always been a pen and paper person. i have tried so many free calendar and productivity apps in my iphone or my ipad but in the end, writing them down gives me full sense and satisfaction. (and really really tempted to get that Kikki stationery!) that finally i can really see what have i been doing, what i wanted to do and never gotten round to do it and how to fit in all he things i love doing in 24/7! and i realised how much work i have to do and not done just because i cant fix my time correctly. all the bits and pieces jumbled up and i dont know where to start and you know how you kind of have a worker’s block (something like writer’s block). pretty much my time is all filled up that i almost thought i wont have time for my candy crush! hehe.

what made me do up a timetable? because i really wanted to make a change, and improvement in me and making sure that turning 30 is worth it. and little did i know, once i see my life as it is in words, makes it more fulfilling. and 7 habits workshop doesnt go to waste because of all things, i ended up writing down my tasks in this forgotten 7 habits notebook i got in a workshop few years back.

so i see myself in blocks of time within the day in a week. from morning to late night. put in everything i have done and wanted to do in pockets of time. just everything i can think of about my work, all noted down.

heaved a sigh of relief and i just hope this can last for long. because for this week, i can see i work better nowadays. even in the morning! haha. although the exercise bit takes a bit more time to restart.  but so far…hope this works.

day nil: restart

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i am really feeling the challenge of going through this contemplating me:mission. with all that is happening and my days all haywire, i just pushed all these thoughts and ideas away. it went right through the hole in my mind. forgotten.

last weekend was a short holiday for most people but it wasnt for me. in fact i worked extra long hours for two out of the three days.i dont know if leaving my husband alone at home and not doing my simple responsibility  as a wife, but instead spending two whole days at the mosque and coming back late from work, i dont know whether i am gaining rewards or otherwise?? he let me go, he send, bought breakfast and then he fetched me, he keeps quiet about it, he doesnt eat properly when i am not home and only had dinner when im home… so i really dont know if i get rewards for serving the mosque but leaving my husband home. and not forgetting almost ignoring my parents and siblings altogether. and that family outings were planned according to my time instead of the majority and when things dont go as I planned, i got mad at them.

this is my challenge. or better termed as dugaan in malay.

i used to think my life was quite smooth going, and that things are going fine but i realised it is not. this is my obstacle in life, a challenge a choice which i i find myself always fighting. i still am. inner and outer. everything my mind my body my soul. and unless i make that ultimate choice can i embrace the true me.

and honestly, i am very worried about my physical self. my closest friend advised m to go for a check up, she even gave me her doctor’s contact and i cant even bother to pick up the phone and make a checkup, alasan being i dont have time. it frustrates me.

i do not like having to choose between work and family, but most of the time, i feel my self screaming angrily at me, not knowing whether i make the right choice or not. it has to be a conscious and willing choice. not forced or just because i have to. this needs some thinking.

turning 30 is about knowing what you are and your purpose. i thought i found my passion and i know what i like doing. i know what i want to pursue. in truth, i have many things i know i can do and want to do.

my limitations was confidence and my intelligence. my weakness was once i feel im not good enough, i fell into a black hole and shut myself up. the problem is, i should not feel that i am not good enough because it limits my potential, my thought process and my productivity.

Lord help me.

day 2: fail

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the first day of mencari diri…it started out good, the morning was well spent as planned.

but day 2 was a disappointment. i dont know what happened. but i couldnt follow through. everything was messed up. work was crazy. and it had been these days, whats with family day, checking up logbook remarks. totally messed up and too many things to catch up.

and i am now still busy doing work, lesson planning. yes i still do lesson planning. and then people bugged me with stupid questions. just go through the overview lah.why ask again. macam tolonglah, kenapa tanya kalau benda dah ada depan mata? expect me to remember everything is it? just check the overview lah. ok, there goes. not what i want to achieve in this mission of finding myself.

and the temptation of materials. stop even the idea of owning any. not good at all. dont compare myself with others.

spiritual wise, fail. i wanted to do more than usual. i couldnt and i didnt. shame on me.

day 1 mencari diri

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I am on a 30 days of finding me.
30 hari mencari diri.

I have been thinking of having a book to accompany this rediscovering me phase…before i actually hit a milestone age, the big 3-0.

I have always had connections with a book, especially inspiring novels and stories. The book which i always picked up to bring myself back up has always been paulo coelho’s The Alchemist. A book recommended to me by a schoolmate in secondsry years and have been one of my favourite all this time. Its the one ‘storybook’ i bring along to university because i thought i will need it in times of need and it did help now and then in my pursuit for knowledge with all its difficulties.

That was a book i thought i would take this time around. But then, i realise, no. Why would i want to use a book written by, nonetheless a great author, a spiritual person, and although he believes in God, he not necessarily share my faith.

I had always believed in signs and how Allah will give me inspiration and guidance in times of need. Disclaimer, although i know i strayed from that guidance sometimes and do things on my limited capability. So it happened i borrowed a book from the library with the intention to create some posters and take some contents from this book. But never got to start doing it. The book lay on my desk since a few days ago.

I have edward de bono’s beautiful mind at hand and i strive to read that but who would have thought, Contemplations of a book accompanying me suddenly been decided this morning, when i saw the book on my desk.

doa ajaran ilahi is the book. I realise this could be the right starting point if i am holding this book now. I am in search of myself, why would i stray so far to read all other when this small book could teach me something. It is, quite simply, a book of prayers. And prayers are a tool of a muslim who is in need. I am in need now.

So show me please.

“Supplicate to your Lord humbly and softly, surely He does not like those who cross the limits.” Al-a’raf:55

30 hari mencari diri

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There was 30 hari mencari cinta but this is me. Contemplating me.
30 hari mencari diri. 30 days finding me.

It might sound cheesy. What is it about me that needs to be rediscovered? Dont i already know who am i? What is so special about me?

But life has been a struggle inner me all this while. And i am determined to stop this struggle and embrace me. I know bits and pieces of me but i know i have not live myself up to my potential and i definitely have many weaknesess.

So i am going to start tomorrow and make a change. I hope.
No. I will.

30 hari mencari diri..

three decades struggle

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Life is a struggle.

It has always been a struggle for me. Not so much of a daily needs kind of struggle where you work for a plate of rice. I am truly grateful for where i am born, the family i was born to and this normal worldly life i am living.

My life has always been a struggle of choices. It just made sense to me. I definitely struggled during my school years. Not the struggle of getting grades, because i think i pretty much go through school averagely smooth but it was always a struggle of finding who i really am.

And i still am.

I have learnt to accept my self as i go through life, but its always a fell and get back up again seri type of acceptance, if you get what i mean. I have never been good in decision making. Its usually because of something. Like because ustazah doesnt like it, because school doesnt allow it, its because if i do it i will get punish or its because what my mother and father like. The only choice i made was to choose to go to IIUM and then sometimes i find myself thinking if i had made the right choice….because right now i am thinking as if i am in a deep shithole with no exact route to go. Like stuck in the middle of somewhere unable to move on until i made one single step.
But i am afraid to move on because i think this is where i should be. In a sense, i am struggling, even with my choices.

Life is a struggle. Of choices.
Always when i think i have had it, a eureka this is it moment, it will soon die out and i am back to where i started. Feeling disoriented, dissatisfied, disturbed, heh. This cycle has to stop. I know that. And i keep steering it.

And 30 is approaching soon. I still find myself struggling…with me…

of rings and bracelets

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I have a penchant for bracelets and rings. It wasnt expensive bags or shoes. But it was jewelleries. I had loved my carefully selected rings and i had my bracelets galore for awhile now. And i realise my taste for rings have just been upgraded.

I know what to get for a milestone age. Something new and who knows, might be a gift for my child when she turns 30 too. Oh wait, this baby is non existent, not yet.

contemplating seri

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hello May.

April had been bittersweet but it did end beautifully.

turning 30 is really a conscious effort in me. the whole of me.

with all these thoughts and experiences i am going through i thought it is best to record it. maybe i should return to traditional writing. but in any case i created a blog just for this purpose.

contemplatingseri.wordpress.com

it is a way to understand myself better, the way i think and lead life, and the changes, for the better.because life has always been a constant fight. it is time to conscious of this fight and make a choice.

berjuang yang terbuang

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a sajak i wrote some time ago. looking back, i was quite surprised that i could write like this. amateurish no doubt but it felt full of emotion.  i am going to continue writing..

 

dimana keadilan?

pengabdian setengah nyawa..

pengharapan untuk setia..

perjuangan dicemuh hina..

 

entah kenapa?

kebaikan dihitung kira..

kelemahan diungkit bisa..

kesetiaan hanya pada nama..

 

akan terbitkah?

ikhlas dari huluran tangan

rahmat dari titisan peluh

mawaddah dari kepenatan tubuh

 

jasa, dikenang

tabah, dicontoh

sayang, teruslah sayang

 

akan ada yang tahu

tetap ada yang rindu

help. needed.

/ livingseri / Leave a comment

Im tired of always having to bring myself up whenever the motivation is low. I couldnt make it into a constant part of my life. Its like i can feel happy and positive and another instant, i feel so low and started crying without apparent reasons other than tired, up to a point that i wonder whether i am depressed and should seek medication.

Its a constant fight. My heart my mind my body my soul is like fighting not knowing which part of me to follow.

Is it this turning on 30? I look at other people amf thought they are doing better than me. I guess i am living others’ expectations towards me. It was never about me, is it? Like its about the mosque, its because of the children, the students, it is about the teachers, it is about who will take over if i leave. It is about who can do the job im doing now?

Sometimes im sick of working i just stare at my pc doing nothing.