please keep an open mind. laugh if you will. i prefer that.
i feel like a 15 year old (was that 20 years ago??). but this is my current silly obsession.
and it’s his birthday today. and like his thousands of fans. i want to wish him a good birthday, health and happiness and hope for many successful years. already i am rooting for his next movie. until then, i will keep on repeat mode his past dramas and movies.
please don’t get married yet. 😛
or maybe marry anyone else. not pmy please.
it’s a quiet afternoon. the sound of raindrops petters from the leftover rain, coming from the kitchen window. and weird, i thought i just heard a bird chirping. the air is cool and fresh. it’s quiet other than the sound of cars passing through wet concrete road.
pardon me for being selfish, but weekends like these are precious. too precious. reading a local author’s short stories or binge watching through some korean obsession i recently and sinfully acquire. spared some time to go through my year in my traveler’s journal and on parallel modes, preparing myself through filling up my 2019 journal. aaahhh… what a year it had been. and….what a year it will be.
i am secretly hoping that december will go really slowly. because i want to have lazy weekends for a week or two more. maybe three. many people asked if whether i am taking a long leave this month. in all honesty, i don’t need any long leaves for the month, i just need my weekends. people who understand how and where i work, would probably understand why. on normal circumstances/months, i almost never get a full weekend. except during the holiday months.
december is always a month to catch up on many things before january starts. it is the month where i try to complete many administrative and database matters before the academic year open its doors. and this year’s december, was double the rush because i took up an additional role. it’s an adrenaline rush.
but give me my weekend to recuperate, only then i think i can still stand strong and persevere. the title of the recent book i am currently reading is quite apt though. The desire for elsewhere. seeing almost everyone i know on trips to elsewhere made me miss my travels. i am surprisingly at peace and grateful. happy to see photos of these travels. and i am happy to be here….
everything seems a bit precious now when we are faced with an uncertainty. unknown. when suddenly faced with an encumbered choice. at the same time, an excitement to see how it unfolds and whether i am doing this right and will i survive? in whatever the circumstances, i only know now, that i will not face the future with regret. no matter how hard it will be, it will not be a mistake. i will course through it, as i have always been. the difference between then and now. i feel peace. it was not hard and dreading anymore. it was no longer fighting for a choice. it’s almost like what i choose to fight for.
i can never know how my life will turn out to be. but i think the clouds are opening up slowly. maybe if I’m lucky, i get to see a rainbow.
Sweet Bean Paste by Durian Sukegawa
My rating: 2 of 5 stars
A nice read.
of a man’s struggle to live by after going back to society after imprisonment. of an elderly woman who suffered leprosy, sickly but wise and strong in her own way. how they bonded over sweet adzuki beans paste.
it gives you that good feeling that every one has a chance at living. that no matter who we are or in what circumstances we find ourselves in, we all have a purpose in this world.
“we were born in order to see and listen to the world” i like the concept of listening to the world. to the trees and every living things. as humans, we often forget that. to stop and listen to the world. it could just give us some answers.
if you like uplifting reads, a bit of confectionary making, and get teary a bit at the end of the story, this could be a good read. especially if you’re into japanese authors
hi. i am surprised at myself sometimes, for always coming back here. like an exboyfriend you don’t really got over with. if it feels like that, i wouldnt know actually. the only real boyfriend i had is my husband now. *hearts*
it’s 8 years now. sometimes i still feel we’re like just 2-3 years into the marriage. time just passed by. age is catching up. we recreated our wedding songlist on spotify (also because we happened to volunteer to find songs for my sister’s wedding and let her choose her faves). and chanced upon some malaysian indie bands, some of which had been some forgotten faves, and then realised we love these same bands! see what 8 years made us into?! a makcik and pakcik couple into rock indie bands! i guess there are things you never knew about your partner and found out along the way.
i told him if i had met him some 10 years ago and knew he was into these bands, i would have fallen in love with him head over heels, as they put it. no turning back. haha. it’s a few weeks since our 8th year anniversary already but we still have these playlists on replay.
no matter. we are still in love very much this year (and for many many years to come), what’s with the three weddings we had back to back in the Kayat family.
anyway, i have this habit of song love spurts that makes me want to hear the song on repeat at a time, depending on the mood and whatever it is i’m facing at the moment, sometimes it’s just the music, the rhythm. but somehow this one particular grabbed my attention for the moment. maybe some euphoric unconscious familiarity that touched the mind and heart. this song makes my heart sank, really.
for my listening pleasure.
Ku telah hilang segala arah dan tujuan hidup ku.
Ku tak punya apa.
Ku mahu kau hadir berikan ku petunjuk.
Jangan biar ku hanyut
Luluh tanpa dikesan
Jangan biar ku terus
Hilang dalam sesalan
i have been seeing this almost everywhere. I purposely put in Abang Leo here, googled somewhere.
i am pretty much sleepy and exhausted but i feel like i owe my blog a post for the longest time. i had so many things to deliberate for my own pleasure reading but *excuses excuses* i could not seem to find the moment, the time, the mood to type. neither is tonight.
2018 has been a magic number. i always thought i might have a baby by 2018. i didnt, but we did get a baby in the family and i am in love with MyNephewLove. But it has been a hell of a roller coaster ride, 2018! and we still have three more months to go! wait, what?! three months left???!!! (minus September, which is literally just a wink away)
and we are still uncertain of where life will bring us. me. and i am scared. my heart beats fast sometimes. i could not stop thinking. i had dreams, sometimes unpleasant. my brain is overworked. i truly am. suddenly laid out with decisions to make.
the only thing i can think of right now is, i have always put other people’s first, before myself. so what can i do for me, now?
if this is any true,
three months from now, you will thank yourself,
i hope i will.
Crazy Rich Asians by Kevin Kwan
My rating: 3 of 5 stars
it was a slow start for me. honestly, i wouldn’t want to be caught dead reading it. but once i get into the ‘groove’, it was a fast page turner. and it was a good light reading for entertainment. it has some form of suspense, a love story, a family ordeal and mostly funny.
i couldn’t quite believe there are actually such crazy rich asians in singapore, however, the story are believable maybe because of the places, road names and food mention are familiar and close to home, you could picture them exactly how it is. there are even places that peaked my interest to look it up just to see if the place really do exist, like tyersall park and pulau samsara.
i enjoyed the conversations between the characters, the gossips, the rich description of luxurious haute couture and jewelries, yachts and hotels. you begin to love the main characters, the couple Nick and Rachel and start rooting for their relationship to survive the family hurdles they face. i like it too that most of the main characters ‘receive’ enough room to grow and develop, such that you could see the situations from their perspectives, so it was not a rushed ‘need’ to touch and go on the characters. and just as i thought i am done with the climax and thought the story is ending within the next few pages, i still had two-3 chapters to go. and i am so glad that readers could get some ‘answers’ towards the end. i really appreciated this kind of stories who dont leave us hanging or having to derive our own ending.
i am looking forward to read the next two books.
i quit twitter.
i almost quit instagram.
i had loved twitter. i followed so many unknown people for the love of Charmed. i followed news. i followed some close friends and acquaintances whom i thought i could fully trust. and then i used twitter to complain or lamented about whatever it was that was disturbing me. it was full of sadness and/or anger. and then i went through a phase where i do not want to know about what other people are feeling or thinking or facing. because it adds on to whatever sadness or anger i am feeling. it was full of negativity and disappointment. i had issues with other people’s tweets. i had issues with my tweets! i feel like i couldnt care less what people are facing anymore. through twitter. i was being hateful.
it took much contemplation to decide to click that button. i had loved that little blue bird! and then i did it. i still have a few more days left should i want to reactivate it, that i have not decided yet.
it felt quite liberating to not know alot. and i am still healing from this hatefulness. it was not easy.
there’s instagram. i loved it too much. i loved all these bright bookstagram accounts, beautiful crafters and scrapbookers and fantastic photos from travellers. but then it also had too much products advertisements and influencers. i followed models, those hijabistas, and celebrities when i dont really care what happened to them and brands for aesthetic and artistic reasons, knowing much that i couldnt afford any of them.
and then suddenly i feel i had enough. i don’t want to know what happened to their lives. i don’t care what they cook or what they eat or where they go. for a while there, i had a green monster creeping out of me when i see other people’s lives. or it was just too much social extrovertness that i could not handle it. i was conflicted. deeply. i just want to crawl myself into some dark tunnel and block them all out.
in all honesty i had contemplated about quitting instagram since early this year. i didnt want to post photos anymore. not even for my peru trip. and then all those chaosness happpened during the trip, made it more heavy for me to post anything. i posted them for the sake of my family. i did not post any in facebook.
anyway. these days. i contemplated. talked to a few friends and my sisters about it. my sisters supported deactivation but a friend thought i should not allow other people control my thoughts and feelings.
so i have been unfollowing many accounts i dont really care like celebrities who kept on posting ootds and nothing but just their faces day in day out. brands that don’t give function to my life, or brands that successfully made me shop incessantly when really, i have too many things already. influencers that i can never and will never be able to appreciate because, honestly i really don’t care what they wear and what happened in their lives. individuals i could not relate to and i dont even know why i follow them in the first place. IG businesses i never buy from. it was a slow process because i follow like a thousand accounts. i havent go through the followers i had. that’s another filter because i had my account on public for a while back then.
because i think i shouldnt blame other people for my own issues. i kept my instagram account. but i forced discipline on myself. minimise scrolling through it. wasnt easy. you know that itch of wanting to open that app. the struggle was real.
work had been helpful though. sometimes i go through the day without opening the app. and because of this neck strain i have been having, i stopped walking and going through my phone at the same time, because of all that looking down and being unaware of the surroundings. only when i reached home, do i sit and have a bit of leisure scrolling but not for long. i am still not that into instagram at the moment.
it’s tiring having to keep up with people. i just need to lay low and tiptoe through the virtual world. i think everyone has the right to move away from social media when they think they have had enough. when whatever that they see don’t give meaning or happiness. or when they are just going through some heart or soul cleansing, finding their way through the values they think they hold to.
perhaps this is just me going through my conflicting thirties. like just when you think you know your self, you realised or discovered some dormant emotion or struggle that surprised you and left you scrambling ‘hey, how do i deal with this?!’
so, pardon me. i will step away for a while.
Heart Berries: A Memoir by Terese Marie Mailhot
My rating: 2 of 5 stars
it is too lyrical and deep in emotion, it feels heavy reading it and i think i can get a bit depressed through it. perhaps these are the intentions of the author. perhaps i misunderstood the summary and was expected something completely different and was not expecting a life of hardships and abuse. i could not empathise with the protagonist, although i really want to. i just wish she could just step up her life and leave this man who is abusing her emotionally already. but if this is based on a real life, i believe it is not as easy as it seems.
My rating: 5 of 5 stars
I have not yet read many local Singaporean authors. After a few attempts of reading some short stories collection from other authors, i think i have found a favourite in Clara Chow’s.
This collection of short stories included her interviews with architects about their dream buildings and her stories will then revolve around their ideas. Somehow i could connect and resonate with her writing and stories.
Looking forward to reading more stories from Clara Chow!
The Bookseller by Cynthia Swanson
My rating: 2 of 5 stars
the title of the book caught my eye first, and then the mention of sliding doors. picked it up, read it, and i liked it but not fully.
as everyone has reviewed, it’s about a person ‘having’ two lives between dreams and somewhere along the story, we kind of have to figure out which life was the real life one because both lives seems to be going on pretty smoothly. almost perfect for a single person (kitty) and for a married woman (katharine).
and then it started to unfold some uneasiness, like the bookstore’s not earning enough and then the mother ‘realises’ she has a child with autism, but still perfect, i think, considering the husband is loyal and supportive.
i was beginning to find it a bit slow now, because i wanted to know which life is real and what caused this dual lives dreams. i began to understand when it reached to the meeting point of when her parents lived in Kitty’s life but died in a tragic plane accident in katharine’s. that could be the cause of starting to have these dreams to change realities because of the trauma of losing one’s parents. and then i guess katharine’s was the real one and the single kitty was the dream.
i guess the end game of the story is that all the what ifs leads to different life pathways but all pathways are never perfect. you win some you lose some. you can never have it all. and it’s true, isn’t it.
living seri 