16.01.2018
Hey you.
From those black boots to short cropped hair.
From singing wrong Zombie lyrics to trying so hard to master Ode to My Family chords.
From When You’re Gone on perpetual replay to Promises, the perfect breakup song to zero boyfriends.
From Animal Instincts to Astral Projection.
From Dying in the Sun to Ridiculous Thoughts.
Of melancholy and exasperation.
In a different teenage Dreams, i wanted to be cool like you.
No, not sorry.
Aahhh, Faithful Departed.
previously i received comments from people that i look ‘perpetually tired’
and it’s true. i had been tried. exhausted. heavy. heavy at heart and body.
so i was surprised when last weekend, i had a few familiar faces saying i looked radiant. i looked healthy. it was a nice surprise. considering the stress i have been having. so one nice lady even come up to me, and asked me what had i been doing? i looked different.
it stumped me…because i didnt know… i mean we always look the same everytime we look at ourselves from the mirror. i didnt see any changes.
but then it stopped me to thinking.
i told my hubbylove about it and he said, must have been the 10k steps and exercises i have been trying to do. exercising somehow bring some healthy hue to the cheeks, adrenaline, endorphins. i like it. no. i love it.
and then i tried to make sense of things again.
last week was our first week of school. i used to be anxious. worried. i still do, but i was at peace. perhaps doing this every year give me all the unexpectedness expected. everything will be fine. perhaps i really leave everything to God. Tawakkal.
i squeezed in a few minutes do tahajjud and asked for His grace and assistance.
early morning saturday, i was the first to arrive and somehow managed to read a page of the Qur’an. something i have never done before. i was calm, i read on. i was ready. perhaps the positive mindframe i had reflected in my expression.
but it was all not done alone. the team did great. everyone moved seamlessly. everyone knew what to do. the parents were calm. the students were calm and happy. it was perfect. both saturday and sunday. the weather was calm. it all came perfectly and everything works just nice.
something must have done right.
alhamdulillah. i hope this continues on to the rest of the year.
i think alot. i worry alot. i get anxious. i get angry.
i want to make a mantra of the stupidity people sometimes show by just ‘laughing it off’
i think it will make life better. my life that is. my wellbeing.
if people don’t read properly. Laugh It Off.
if people keep on asking same questions. Laugh It Off.
if people want to find fault with the system. Laugh It Off.
if people are being impatient with me singlehandedly doing every paperwork. Laugh It Off.
it will definitely decrease the huge ball of stressness in my brain. definitely.
and look at these stupidity from a different point of view. a different frame.
the hardest habit to keep have to be to stop spending. it was really hard. it took a lot to tell myself no you don’t have to shop. i was doing very well until i felt the need to buy a sports shoes because my feet is sore from the cardio exercise i have been following. i was doing it barefooted indoors.
i guess it is also to give myself a ‘reward’ for being able to exercise 5 days a week for 4 weeks now. it really is a big step for me. and i am enjoying it more with the NB Revlite shoes i bought at 20% of its original price. it was a sweet surprise, the discount. 🙂
the shawls were hard! really hard! it didnt help that they keep posting up new releases on IG. i keep on saying no, i dont need this. no, i will not wear them. no, i have so many shawls already. i know. i could have just unfollow them. in fact, i have unfollowed a lot of them. but this brand, i cant. i succumbed to the latest tudungpeople IRONLESS PINLESS shawls in my colour palette. and then i justify those as shawls for my upcoming travels. i need them. lol.
but i pat myself on the back still. i tried. and it will get easier along the way. once the brain understands that i have enough materials to live by. i do not need to shop anymore. i think im close to be that person who will not shop unnecessarily. yup Seri, go all the way, keep telling your self that. stay true! ;P
i can see it. that future. ahhaa.
i exercised well. got 10k steps for 5 days in a week, which is a lot of achievement to my standard.
i realised and devised some sort of strategy to be able to get 10K. Wore my fitbit all the time. and every step counts. from morning when i need to do some mini chores before work. i stop scooting and chose to go to work to and from work. chose the stairs instead of the elevators. i make sure i moved around at work.
by the time i reach home, i need to cover maybe about 3-4k more steps. and i found a teambodyproject cardio videos and somehow, of all the exercise videos i have tried, i enjoyed their more. and i have been doing them for two weeks now.
so physically, i pretty much had it figured out. and i am really happy for me. the sweats give me satisfaction. haha. but the knee is still painful but i have to persevere.
i used to put a specific time for specific habit. but one year on in 2017, its a bit hard for me somehow. laziness sometimes take over. other things took my time away. i realised then that for me, i just need to lock that idea of doing a habit in my mind every day, and no matter when i do it, i know at the end of the day, i should have done it. it’s quite liberating actually, having it this way.
it’s quite easy then. every morning, woke up, have a quick reel of all the habits i need to do, stood up and then move on from there.
and now instead of having a long list of habits i need to tick every day. i grouped them into three or four items.
the cool plan – achieve 10K steps, do exercise or cardio now, limit sweet drinks
the faith plan – all my zikirs and do’as and Qur’an readings
the joy plan – reading, do journaling, blogging, netflix whatever is is to stay sane and destress
save – this one had to be a simple easy term – i just need to save = no shopping
and that’s it. does not look too much and heavy. Although i appreciated doing that long list in 2017, because now my brain knows what it means and requires to achieve the deeds above.
now i have to figure out the faith plan on how it all can make sense for me.
towards happiness.
no. no reflections. no new resolutions.
just continue what i have been thriving to do.
the rain seems to understand the feelings i am going through. crying and crying in silence. but also a sign of blessing. His Rahmah and Mercy.
Alhamdulillah. start the year embraced in His Love.
i leave 2017 with heartbreaks but also moments filled with happiness.
i pray to face 2018 with strength, wisdom and joy.
cleanse this life physically and emotionally. level up this life in faith and self care.
No more sadness. No more unhappiness.
Thank You Allah.
there’s a part of me you’ll never know
the only thing i’ll never show
hopelessly i’ll love you endlessly
hopelessly i’ll give you everything
but i won’t give you up
i won’t let you down
and i won’t leave you falling
if the moment ever comes
it’s plain to see it’s trying to speak
cherished dreams forever asleep
hopelessly i’ll love you endlessly
hopelessly i’ll give you everything
but i won’t give you up
i won’t let you down
and i won’t leave you falling
if the moment ever comes
goodbye 2017.
counting the days before it gets to 2018, arent we?
its a quiet grey morning today. christmas public holiday. hubbylove still wakes up at 5 in the morning. i was stirred awake at 5.30am. Subuh then dozes on and off with hubbylove.
holidays are precious to me. read a book. watch an episode from a series or two. watch a movie. catch up on anime. blog. read again. browse pointlessly through facebook. read the papers without rushing through the headlines.
and if i feel a bit more productive. i can do some spring cleaning. i have been aiming to clear the wardrobe for the longest time. complete my photo journal before the year ends.
i was ready to dismiss 2017 as a stressful year for me. with what i presume as so many heartbreaks and tension. i realised that was 2017 The Work. it somehow did not start right. i only remember all the difficulties i faced. it had been shitty, to be blunt.
while browsing through my phone for photos to print and my traveler’s journal for dates to highlight; i then realised, hey Seri, it is not a bad year after all. it had been quite a whirlwind journey of emotions. but of togetherness and what it means to be a family.
we lost two family members from hubbylove’s side. two family members in 48 hours. one of which, a most beloved aunt. i deeply felt the loss. such strong kind motherly lady. we were supposed to have a family gathering for that weekend. indeed it had been. just, without her. but we revel in one another’s comfort, in staying together, in remembering her.
that same weekend, a close girlfriend got married too. how such plans are not within our control. i wanted to be with friends. but i need to be with my family. how can that be a choice to be made?
i got to live in my own house PV for a month or two. pure bliss and happiness in the simple thought of getting to stay in one’s own house. you asked, why? well i mostly stay in another house. my own house is vacant. but due to a major renovation in this current house, we all get to stay in my house. complicated? i guess so.
but i loved it.
the clearing and the packing, no. weeks of saturdays and sundays filled up with packing, driving to and fro to the storehub where we stored our stuffs for close to three months. lugging boxes and bags of stuffs. throwed away many things, kept a lot more. the only comfort: i was just happy to be hubbylove’s shadow during those weeks. everywhere with him.
i injured myself twice this year. fell outside of the toilet, terribly hurt my right side. and within the week, misstepped and hurt my left ankle. i had to pray in the sitting position for weeks. that fall though. for a moment, i knew how it felt when people said a reel of your life and questions playing in your mind in those life and death moments. i am thankful it was a ‘normal’ fall. nothing major.
i had an amazing trip to Switzerland. a test of strength and patience. beautiful, beautiful country. a lovely family there. of train rides, boat rides, furnicators and cable cars. of hiking trails and quiet walks. and that search for beautiful shots of mountains.
my little sister got married. a beautiful marriage and wedding. and pregnant now as i am writing this down. my baby brother got engaged to a sweet kind girl. i had days of fun and love with families and friends.
it was not a bad year, 2017. it had been a good year. and i am at peace.
i have a feeling 2018 will be a change. a change for love. a change for happiness. a change for wellbeing. a change for joy.
w.d.y.w.f.m – the neighbourhood
it’s a good day today. it was bright. it was sunny. i would have loved to go out and soak up the sun. and then it rained heavily. it is a saturday. precious saturday. i don’t always have free saturdays as this. nor sunday, for that matter.
hubbylove is home too. catching up on his anime series. he loves it when i am around on weekends. i love it too. but the work i am doing, it is a luxury to have a full weekend.
i attended a two days workshop this week. i had hoped that the workshop will bring back some spark back. i was worried of the pending tasks i needed to complete. i half regretted signing up for it. but i still attended it. the only consolation was that it was held at my workplace.
half way through the workshop, i thought, it was not so bad. the trainer made me feel like i can go through this for another year. i can face this. there were some tools and ideas i thought i could use during orientation. there is some silver lining somewhere.
i thanked the trainer after the two days workshop. i told him we enjoyed the training and learnt very practical and simple tools. what he did not know, i thanked him for bringing back a bit of hope. for a tinkle of bright future.
get back up. come back strong.
i slept early last night. i was not tired physically, i did not do anything heavy duty, for the lack of a better expression. i spent quality time with my little companion. i watched The Crown on Netflix. i scoot to my parents’ house to feed the cat and walked back home. i cooked dinner. it’s not much. i barely sweat doing them all.
i was exhausted in me. strange. after 4 days of forced down time, i am more heavy hearted than ever. perhaps, seeing photos of a dinner get together, which i was not a part of, makes me feel more alone than ever.
i have been at this job for so long, but it strikes me that i am more and more alone now. i do not have anyone i can confide to. i put up a show and tried to smile. no one should know how much i am struggling. because the rest have to remain strong. and so i put up a strong face.
i woke up early this morning. in a daze, i sat up, and commented ‘oh the little one is hungry,’ and then i laid back on the warm pillow. Hubby about to wake up ready to go to work. but i didnt sleep back as always. fed the little one. prayed Subuh. read a page of the Qur’an. ma’thurat. got ready for work.
i couldnt decide whether to scoot, to take the train or to walk to work. i omitted scooting. i aimed to get 10 000 steps today.
after a hard time, as always, of saying goodbyes to the little one. i left for work. 5 minutes past 9. i am late. i could still walk to work. that will take me 20 minutes fast pace. i couldnt decide. got out of the lift and walked as if towards the walking path. and then i turned around. crossed the road towards the mrt station.
it’s a sign. i couldnt decide on what to do. it is a simple choice. but i was unsure. i decided on one, and at the last minute, changed the decision. without basis. without reason. other than… what?
it is a sign of indecisiveness. a sign of unsurety. uncertainty. unknown. i have been indecisive for the longest time in 2017. i let people decide for me, or i let the course go find its way, or then, like a bull heading straight on to the target without thinking of its consequences. i am tired of thinking. i am tired of making decisions. sshhh…be quiet. i do not want to decide.
i am writing. sad mode. i am not whining i hope. i loath whining. perhaps this is an expression of my inner feelings. i think i want to do the timeline again, my sadness could still be in the deep core of my heart. what is it? can i let go of this sadness?
living seri 