Author: livingseri

stop. keep moving.

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so here i am. sitting at the dining table. my furry little companion sitting next to the box of tissues. sleepy but trying to stay awake as she looks my fingers typing this post.

and then i stroke between her ears. trying to tell her, it’s ok sayang, go ahead and sleep, i will still be here. she closes her eyes.

it is a good sunny day today. surprisingly bright and hot after days of stormy rains last week. there had been many planes flying over hougang skies. could be some airforce training. probably due to the clear skies today, perhaps they also take the opportunity to fly and protect. well, the peace around is sometimes disturbed by the thundering sounds of the planes.

the radio has been on for days. i think it is perpetually playing Kiss 92. i dont really care what songs came up. when i’m alone, it provides some noise, and perhaps some good songs got played, i could dance to it, i could sing to it. but nowadays, it plays christmas songs too. and then i tell myself, my God, this is a Muslim house, why are we playing this channel?

so i got up and change to the Malay channel, Warna 94.2fm and perhaps the call of prayer will be played soon. perhaps that is what has been missing in this house.

what i did today? woke up feeling heavy at heart. worried. anxious. unclear. i did some exercise, following a youtube video from the BodyProject channel. and the most consistent so far i had done all week. perhaps finally i found a channel that could make me exercise, that wouldnt make me jump so much because of these pains on my knee (the doctor said i am too young to have knee pains). perhaps an exercixe routine that doesnt tell us to do too many steps at a time, because honestly i could not follow the steps. well, this particular video i am following is doing cardio workout for beginners. 5 days following it. i enjoyed it.

i sit in front of my MacBook Air. braving myself to read emails, work emails. i read them. but i don’t have the energy to reply to any of them. and i don’t care. i have the classes list from google docs on automatic. looking at it makes me sick and helpless. i still need teachers but i dont know what i can do about it. maybe if i look at it long enough, it will be filled up with teachers’ name magically and i could finally rest in peace. every day, i worry about it. all i can do is to post up the poster on facebook, forwarded the same poster in whatsapp group. and nothing or no one ever come up. i don’t know how to face 2018.

i felt bitter. seems like everyone i know is going away on vacation. and i am still here doing nothing and suffering. my heart is heavy. i worry too much. because there is so many things needed done. but why am i the only one worrying? do no one else seems to care? i feel tired and sick of doing this every year.

i tell myself i should not feel sick. i should not feel bitter. but by telling myself this, am i running away from my real feelings? am i trying to make myself feel better then? do i?

i want to do nothing. i want to think of nothing. i want to free myself from responsibilities. i want to dissolve my leadership because i feel like i have done everything but everything is not enough. i am tired. i am scared.

and then i tell myself. stop. keep moving.

one of those days

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one of those days when i felt like i failed. for every thing that i did, i feel like i am not good enough. that i am better off sitting someone in a corner and do nothing, because everything i do seems mediocre.

one of those days when i feel like i shouldnt be here. i dont fot to be here. draining and bringing me down. when i feel like people are against me. or im expected to be perfectand not make mistakes.

you know what. i just want to keep quiet.

i just want to move away from everything.

but the show must go on. always. people move on and i am still here.

let’s not dwell on this bad thoughts. i don’t have time for this.

what 8 years have taught me is this: things will turn out fine. Allah always guides. always.

Piper Kechik

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So i have this little one.
who has totally captured my heart and literally taken over my life.
even when i am typing this out, she’s sitting right in front of me, ears twitching to all the small little noises, and then jumping from chair to chair just to look out for what ever it is that catches her curiosity.

i took her home two months ago, already it felt like its been forever. i don’t want her to grow up and i want her to stay kechik (small in malay) for the longest time.

i have never been much of a fan, to be honest. our first cat was probably, adopted more than a decade ago. little wyte. and then it was more of my siblings’ charge and then all the other kitties came along. both sides of the families are cat people. i felt like almost everyone had their own spirit animal. except me.

and then a call for one. these little five siblings, well, the cutest little things ever. i asked my husband whether we could adopt one. there was never a definite answer, but then when the time comes, both of us, just do and nods ahead. fetched her one night and then our lives changed.

i now have separation anxiety, i’m always thinking on what she’s doing and hoping that she will be okay everytime i know she will be alone. making sure she’s eating well and not falling sick. and surprise surprise, i monitor her poos and pees. i cleaned her litter box. i know, those used to irk me, never in my life, did i ever think of touching or cleaning those. nowadays though, it felt nothing, just something i had to do to stay clean.

happines is playing with her every day, which is a good thing actually, getting more steps for the record. and definitely our relief stresser.

and i am so happy husband is a cat person too. so he’s been besotted by this little one, always finding her to cuddle and disturb. i’m totally loving this man more and more.

so im praying my little piper Kechik stay healthy and happy. for many more years. because now, you’re a part of our lives. so many humans love you Kechik.

tunjuk satu bintang

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im having sudden cravings for Sheila On 7 songs and i have been playing them today.

if you’re like a teenager in the late 90s and early 2000s, Sheila on 7, Linkin Park, Peterpan, Avenged Sevenfold and the likes were your anthem, the move-away-from-mainstream style. But Sheila On 7 always gives this happy and pleasant vibes.

apart from thinking i can sing really well to Sephia, there are two faves from SO7’s Kisah Klasih Untuk Masa Depan.

Sebuah Kisah Klasik is like the very anthem everytime my memories peeks into my uni years. perhaps everyone were listening to S07 back then but i have always thought SKK describes those memories in one song perfectly. ahh…those were the days. IIU friends will know we can never stop talking about those studious but full of life and fun, in search of self and identity, finding a place in this world.

Tunjuk Satu Bintang, i don’t know, i was more attracted to the music more i guess and the lyrics. they don’t really mean much to me but i think it is a nice love song in that cute teenager-ish feel. now though, i feel like it can be a good title for a blog. that blog i have been dreaming of having. but i write mostly in English, and having a malay titled blog may be a bit off. i just think it’s perfect though.

the lyrics seem to fit too. it doesnt have to always be about love and relationships. it can also be about loving life and the experiences we are facing, no matter how harsh it can be. it can also be about passion of learning, with all its ups and downs. don’t you think?

Coba kau tunjuk satu bintang
Sebagai pedoman langkah kita
Jabat erat hasil karyaku
Hingga terbias warna syahdu

Akan ku ukir
Satu kisah tentang kita
Di mana baik dan buruk
Terangkum oleh indah

Akan kucerna
Semua karya cipta kita
Di mana hitam dan putih
Terbalut hangatnya cinta

Dan bila mimpi terwujudkan oh…
Di sisimu selalu hariku

the end of july

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July has been a roller coaster of emotions. apparently.

i tried to get back up again after such steep curve downwards in my life graph.

although ramadan did gave me some spiritual strength amidst physical drain.

there is always something that is not right, like as if i am a teenager still searching for some clarity and constancy.

being in the thirties make me question so much about myself. i question alot about what my values are, what my goals and purpose in life, and especially what my priorities are.

but this is a story to tell on another day.

summary of July.

Chester Bennington of Linkin Park committed suicide. i still couldnt believe it though. LP was such a huge part of my teens. when i was trying to fit in and couldnt, trying to identify myself through songs because i couldnt put myself in any specific ‘group’ of people. i found connection to LP. all those nights being online (those days, we were just quite new to internet, with chatgroups and blogger was the way to go for writing and expression. oh dear, all those messageboards or forums on LP. begging my dad to use his card to sign up to LPUnderground. and that was where i belonged. i was introduced to an international world and chatting with people halfway across the world. an autographed picture of them was a prized possession. and that was the only one.

mostly LP’s songs were/are perfect to my ears. CHESTER B, we love you. my heart still breaks just talking about it.

ELLA. and then there’s Ella bringing me back to my pre-teens listening to malay rock songs. and Ella is the Queen. for ever. singing along with every song, watching her still her. so true to herself. so true a female rockstar, no pretensions. two hours don’t seem enough. permata biru. ELLA, we love you.

i had birthday dinners with both Kamirs and Tweevrans on separate occassions. and times like these are truly precious. because my weekends are always a battle of dividing time between work and personal.

but i am grateful.

am i?

my december

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20.07.2017

those times of teenage angst
of rebelling without rebelling
of identifying an identity
some anger from nowhere
unexpressed expressions

of late nights on slow broadbands
of videos on replay as if
can’t get enough of the high
aaahh i finally found something
i can call my love
i can say this is me

oh you’re my symbol of that past
if asked how’s my teenage year would be
i would say you in a heartbeat
in peace now painless
Chester B

34th Syawal

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i turned a year older in the islamic calendar every 3rd Syawal.

i have to say its been melancholic and bitter sweet this year. i absolutely have no desire to go visiting or receive guests. i only feel all the exhaustion of ramadan starting to sink in and all i need is some quiet time to recharge. i have already given up of having to rush everytime first day of syawal and that inner fight of having to prioritise one family over my own. always having to give in. so if Ramadan is exhausting, Syawal is excruciatingly painful.

but i think i am having that today. a day of just me in this room. although the construction donwstairs and the short moments of having a fire at a neighbouring flat create some excitement and noise that you learnt to block out.

i have been a very sad person this year. i really is. so pardon me if this post is going to be some dreadful and boring post, if anyone is actually reading.

i feel like i lost some spark. i lost interest in work. i feel im not good enough. i feel tired all the time but i have to say its not physically tired, but emotionally, mentally and perhaps, even spiritually draining. i tried to overcome. it gets better and then it goes down again. its like my life graph goes up and down, up and down in steep curves. but i guess it is slowly getting better, i hope.

because life needs to move on and i hate feeling down. it gets better after a recharge. reading, just keeping quiet from the world, isolate myself a bit, because people bring pain.

i hope i can relive the spark, the purpose from what i am doing. perhaps find something that will excite me again. give me a sense of importance, a sense of being. i did timeline therapies and seemed to help. or maybe just a quiet time will do. and i am really appreciating every moment of it because once i start work, it will be nonstop.

Allah please help me. as You always do. as You always have. because this job is not for me to own. please guide me if whatever decisions i have to do. please guide me if it is for the best, for me, for my family, for the community. if it is not, please make it easy for me to leave it. Amiin.

perhaps, someday, i will find true happiness, significance and sincereness in what i am doing.

ramadan pedih

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ramadan kembali
aahh penuh dengan harapan
dan semangat kental
katanya

ingin terawih
ingin qiyam
ingin khatam qur’an
ingin jadi pekerja yang baik
ingin jadi isteri yang baik

aahh semuanya ingin dilakukan dengan baik

tapi cuba sedaya upaya
penat dan hampa
bila hati terasa pedih
terasa sedih bagai dipinggir

semuanya dilakukan dengan harapan hanya terbaik
hadirkan diri bantu iftar
terawih ku ditolak tepi
sabar melayan kanak2
yang aku.. terbengkalai

tahajud ku dalam letih
qiyam ku mana kuat
tadarus ku sendirian
tiap dapat masa
cuba jalankan tanggungjawab untuk suami
mana mampu tak mahu berkeluh

aahh tapi susah ingin gembirakan semua
ada saja yang kurang, ada saja yang salah

ramadan yang pergi
ku wajahi mu dengan penuh harapan
ku tinggalkan mu dengan kepedihan

mungkin ini pengajaran kesabaran

two third struggle

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its two third of ramadan.

i have not managed to pray tarawih since. but i managed to keep up with tahajjud for many days now. that is the only consolation, if i can say so. my nights, rather, were filled up with looking after children in the activity room we provided for this ramadan.

it’s very tiring. especially on days when i came in at normal working hours, helped with iftar preparations, and right after maghrib, i will have to get ready at the classroom dedicated for the children. and then when i finally wrapped things up, usually about at abot 10.30pm, i scoot back home, clear up the kitchen and prepare something for sahur, before hitting the shower and devote an hour for tahajjud and Qur’an reading.

i had a day or two iftaring at home but most days hubby will be alone. and on these one two days, i don’t feel guilt but i do worry about the activity room. like i know there are one or two volunteers who will be there but i may worry if they could handle it.

i try to do what i can do as much as i can, for the mosque. but i honestly dont have the same energy i would have say, maybe 5 years ago? i feel tired and burdened most days. especially on ramadan. because i try so hard to serve the mosque and not neglect the family too. it has been a constant battle every year. but i guess i am already numbed to the battle and its just do-what-i-can and pray-Allah-accepts whatever i did. not for comparing, not for people to say i stayed more than others, not for anything. it’s a constant reminder of doing things liLlahi ta’ala. it’s not easy though when you are fighting demons and people’s expectations and comparison. but i have learnt to erase them thoughts.

i think this time around, as mentioned before, it really is about me. im trying to bring back the flame that was lost. im trying to slow down and find me. do i still love what i’m doing? why do i feel like im not progressing and stuck in a rut somewhere, not able to move on, not able to feel success and feel like im a failure all the time.

but perhaps tonight is where it ends.

the No Spend year

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The No Spend Year: How I spent less and lived moreThe No Spend Year: How I spent less and lived more by Michelle Mcgagh
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

View all my reviews

at a period when i am struggling to find meaning in saving and curb my spending, i found this book.

i made a grave mistake of overspending because of too much disposable income. i dont have much responsibility financially but in ignorance, i spend. so one day i made a rough calculation that if i had saved a thousand dollar every month since i got married, i would have had $60K worth of savings now. yup, that’s a huge amount of money. when i saw that number and the realisation that money gone don’t know where, i had a huge knock on the head. so numbed by the amount of money i spent. i roughly had 1/3 of that amount i should have saved. and it had remained that way coz i kept on spending.

i started decluttering bit by bit. giving away or re-selling stuffs i bought but i didnt use. make ups i bought but never used and over bought dresses and realised i don’t really like the colour or the pattern, ended up not wearing them. it was a lot of stuffs. i was in shame. i was disappointed in myself for not thinking far ahead.

i made so many resolutions. tried to minimise. only this year, i felt i made minuscule progress. for one thing, i have not touched my savings account. so let’s stay at that. please. and i wanted to focus on paying off my card. that’s the aim. that i should be able to clear off everything by December 2017.

i cannot spend like a teenager. i must start saving for the future.

reading this made me feel that i am not alone. that it is possible to ban yourself from shopping. that it is possible to live in minimal.

changes i made this year:

previous years i always went crazy over a malaysian boutique’s dresses and shawls. and yes, i might have spent hundreds on them. but this year, alhamdulillah, even though i still follow the brand and was up to date of their new collections, i have not bought any. for the past 5 months, i only bought two pairs of blouses, which totalled to $40 and a baju kurung of $60. and only recently bought two dresses which cost me $100. and even then, it took me many days to really think about and made the decision of buying. that’s an improvement, i have to say. previously, i would just buy them without a second thought.

i have not bought shoes. i had several times, liked a shoe and thought of buying them online. but i have made the conscious effort of going to the shops, have a try and then decide again if whether i really like it, do i really need it (which is usually No) and do i feel comfortable wearing it, am i goingto wear it often, will it match my usual attires? and twice, i made this effort and realised i don’t really like or i don’t need them.

i bought one bag. which is part of a buy one get one discount. technically there’s two bags there, but i gave the other one to my sister who happened to like the same bag. so it was a bonus.

my weakness is still books though. but i have never regretted buying books as much as other things. but that does not mean i have to keep on buying. if i can manage it, i probably make a rule that i can only buy two books per month. and that the total purchase must not exceed $100. i truly have more books which i have yet to read!

staying in my beloved parc vera house gives me that chance of sitting in my reading room and devote an hour or two to just reading. i perfectly enjoyed it.

So i hope i can persevere in this challenge to save more and more. and who knows, perhaps its a reason to quit when i have enough savings.