it had been a difficult week.

especially when you realised being good is not good enough. or perhaps what i perceive as doing the right thing, turned out to be not accepted? hated? became a topic to be talked about behind my back? when all i see, is goodness in others. (i have said it times and again, this is my curse, really) and that i have never, in my blase redundant life, expected them to be that way?

i have never, also, believe everyone is perfect. not my self for that matter. whenever something is not right, instead of pointing fingers or blaming others, i tend to ask myself where did i go wrong? was i suppose to do it differently or was there a way that it could be done right? i never really think that perhaps some other people might be in the wrong. unless someone i respected and trusted pointed out to me, that, see Seri, it is not your fault, he or she really made this mistake or in the wrong. learn to accept it and move on. and there have been one or two person who can tell me that. really just a few actually. like a colleague and the other my best babe. my sisters and brothers. and my amazing husband, mainly because he’s a high level manager in a huge international company. the people i dealt with are chicken pea compared to the types of people he work with (which means, multi cultural, multilingual, diverse race​ and religion). and they will point out if im wrong too, or where i could have done better.

i have never been a people person too. i have embraced that it is an introvert thing. i am perfectly fine doing things on my own and a colleague used to say, along the line: when i’m doing my work, i’m in my zone. and yes, sometimes it’s like that, i just stayed too focused on something and everybody else is in a different space, until, some distraction happened or my stomach starts to rumble, and then wham, oh hey everybody else.

but not everyone is like me. i’m a social animal who can thrive without being too social. but people could think that i don’t care? or worst, people could think im just stupid, because i seem to not know anything due to my nature of not kaypoh or keen enough. and i guess there are people like that, who thinks they could ‘play’ me out, taken for granted because i act like i don’t know. most of the times, i really don’t know, but Allah, SubhanAllah, has never left me in the ditch, literally. there’s always a gut feeling, the sudden change in my reaction (that i cant control), or something or someone just came up out of nowhere. i never have to dig or be kaypoh enough to find out.

i believe all that is good takes time. i don’t want to live a life where i am constantly thinking if someone talked bad about me, or always in suspicion of one another, because i don’t think we can work, live, breathe like that. constantly blaming others for any mishappens, constantly thinking everyone else is wrong, everyone else is to be blamed. constantly in vengeance, feeling victimised. constantly weighing, this is my job, this is your job im not doing it because it is not my job or i am not paid for it. and i think the worst kind of people, are those who always think they are right or too ‘high’ that they cannot do menial work or be with some people. i do not want to be someone who cannot accept my mistakes, because by thinking too highly of myself, i am putting myself at the lowest. because at the end, Allah is the Most High and All-Knowing. but that does not mean anyone else can blame me and think highly of their ownselves.

i am not that person. i will never be that person.

after days of fighting with my emotions and this is human nature, but by working one self out and understanding where this anger, sadness, disappointment comes from, and from having amazing people around to talk to. i am slowly clearing my thoughts and cleansing my heart, and hopefully be able to see things clearly for what or who they really are. in the meantime, i take myself out from all that is bringing this heart pain, and believe me, it is so painful but i will still see the goodness in everyone else. and perhaps there’s the beauty of it.