by.the.wise.all.knower

Of the soul and faith

rezeki re-understood

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So i never really thought about it. but i was reading this rezeki book which is on loan, and a particular ayat ‘shoots’ at me.
“…Whoever fears Allah, He brings forth a way out for him, And provided for him with what he needs from where he does not even imagine. And whoever places his trust in Allah, He is sufficient for him. Surely Allah accomplish His purpose. Allah has set a measure for every thing.” At-Talaq:2-3

something seems to strike a chord in me with this ayat, and i was just thinking how i am just ‘thrown’ into this job with zero knowledge and having to move on and just do it. i guess that is how He is providing me with what i need. the things i need to learn comes in various ways and from different people. and thus far, He has lead me to meet people who would help me get back up again. Truly ya Allah, You have helped me and I have been blind.

another thing that strike me was how the author was saying that whatever we own may not be necessarily be our rezeki. well that takes a lot of digestion and reflection. rezeki should be what we can benefit from. aahhh now i get it. (really i get it just at this moment i was writing this down). that is why we prayed for ilman nafi’an, useful knowledge, because if we learn and it aint useful, then it was not our rezeki, even though we have been learning them and ‘own’ the knowledge. ok, now makes me want to really read up all those books i have been buying with the hopes to gain knowledge, otherwise, i will be owning them books but i do not gain anything from them, so it aint my rezeki.

ok thanks, i really get it now.

anyway, the book gives 4 simple formula for success which is also a form of rezeki (it is not always about the money, as the song goes, heh)
1. Syukur and Redha
2. Zakat and Sadaqah
3. Taqwa and Sillaturrahm
4. Istighfar

it seems easy enough, these are things i have been hearing since back in school. but it’s always doing it which is the real test. i am going to do some planning and goal setting to carry out the formulas.

insya Allah, small steps.

a prophet’s prayer

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a Prophet’s prayer

“O God, You alone I complain of my weakness, the meagerness of my resources and my insignificance before men. O Most Merciful of the Merciful, You are the Lord of the weak and You are my Rabb. Into whose hands do You entrust me? To some remote stranger who will ill treat me? Or to an enemy to whom You have granted authority over my affairs? I harbor no fear so long as You are not angry at me. Yet Your gracious support would open a broader way and a wider horizon for me. I seek refuge in the light of Your face, by which all darkness is illuminated and the things if this world and the next are set arigt, so that I do not incur Your anger and am not touched by Your wrath. Nevertheless, it is Your prerogative to admonish as long as You are not satisfied. There is no power nor strength but in You.”

Prophet Muhammad s.a.w said this prayer in times of difficulties during his ordeal in Taif. how beautiful it is. and how ignorant we have become. ‘this prayer reveals all the confidence and serenity he had with Allah swt, tells of humanity’s helplessness and of the Prophet’s spiritual strength. seemingly lonely and without support, he was not alone.’ – Excerpt from Tariq Ramadan’s The Messenger.

That’s why I always take the opportunity to reread stories of the Prophet. I think this is my third time reading The Messenger and somehow this time around, this do’a seems to play an effect on me at this moment. when before i read through with no notion of how it can relate to me. i may not have any enemies, not that i know of, but this year, i have been facing some very difficult students’ parents who really required all of my quiet strength and plan out how to deal with them, but Alhamdulillah, they now turn out to be some of the softest spoken parent i have. i realise it is not my doing. i relied on Him and seek His guidance one what to say how to act with these people. i cannot do it alone. He is near. SubhanAllah.

You are always there for me.

re-life

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i had the most beneficial two day course on a weekend nevertheless.
a rediscovery of myself. rethinking and reframing of my life. and literally a work out for both my unconscious and conscious mind.

for the longest time of my life. i have always been unsure of myself. my decisions, my choice, my purpose. i have always been doubtful of what i can do and achieve and always so harsh on myself for not doing enough. i have perhaps put too high expectations on myself but then at the same time, not sure of whether i can do it or not and then i got stressed up and ended up going down. taking exhaustion as my reason of needing a time out (well being the introvert that i am, that is something i have learnt to look at is a need but not an excuse)

and there are moments i just go down and and just hate myself for what i am or not doing.

but these two days, i learnt of ways or tools to get back myself up again. it is definitely not going to be easy but i will practice and practice until i master them. until i master myself.

i am honestly still in that classroom and my brain doesnt seem to want to leave that learning situation. im still floating and reflecting. i am in my contemplation mode. almost like i am a different me and im just getting to know me better. and looking forward to give myself a chance to live up to my potential. without compromising anyone who is important in my life. without compromising ME.

i needed this. i know i have always neglected my self but this time around, i think i know better how to take care of my self.

the unconscious mind is really powerful.

anyway today, it rained after what seemed to be the longest dry season in singapore. subhanAllah. when i saw that it rained, my body seemed to resonate with so much awe and gratitude that our prayers have been answered.

near Him

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On the authority of Abu Hurairah radhiAllahu anhu, reported that the Prophet Muhammad sallAllahu alaihi wa sallam said:

Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala said:
I am as My servant think I am.
I am with him when he makes mention of Me.
If he makes mention on Me to himself,
I make mention of him to Myself.
And if he makes mention of Me in an assembly,
I make mention of him in an assembly better than it.
And if he draws near to Me an arm’s length,
I draw near to him a fathom’s length.
And if he comes to Me walking, I go to him in speed.

dream reminder

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i had the most weird dream last night.
i dreamt that my little brother was possessed by some unnatural forces, in an unknown place.
and we were all trying to save him.
i was running after him and crying for him. my little brother was just looking weak and pale.
all that i remember from this dream was how much we were reciting La Ilaaha IllAllah.
i was cradling him and caressing his forehead and just reciting that all the way.

i do not want to think so much about the dream. i am just guessing this is the way the inner me is reminding me.

jiwa nak kata

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jiwa dan hati
minda dan diri

jiwa sering berkata-kata
hati cuba menenangkan
minda sering berfikir
entah apa yang diri kejarkan

terlalu sering minda lupakan hati
terlalu sering hati merajuk dengan minda
diri kadang tercepit
itu yang jiwa tak suka merana

dengar sini hati
dengar sini minda
dengar sekali si badan
jiwa nak kata

jiwa nak kembali ke fitrah jiwa
jiwa nak duduk diam tafakkur
jiwa nak sesekali kalau badan, hati dan minda bersatu
jiwa dah selalu dengar kata minda dan hati
jiwa tak mampu lawan badan
tapi sekarang jiwa nak kata
jiwa nak selalu dekat dengan Allah
jiwa selalu nak ingat pada Rasul

jiwa tahu tak mudah
sebab tu jiwa ada hati, badan dan minda
kita bersatu kembali
bersatu dalam fitrah kita
sebab akhirnya jiwa akan sendiri
jiwa belum sedia jadi roh

rest dear soul

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it has been awhile since i get to indulge in this kind of day. i have the whole subuh to myself, trying to make a habit of building up a bit on my spiritual thirst, which i have dreadfully been ignoring. i will try my best because i feel like having a child and ignoring it throughout and not knowing what it will grow into without nurturing it. maybe that is why i have yet to conceive. i have to take care of myself before i can be entrusted with the amanah of bringing up a trust and gift from Him.

and that is what i have been blaming myself of. i have always thought i am not good enough a sister, daughter and wife for not being able to be there for them everyday and guide them. but i havent even educate my self with all these inner needs and spiritual development of this self. no doubt i was brought up in a very spiritual environment back at school but you got lost along the way. seriously. becoming too tight up with work, tight up with the ‘needs’ of this world.

my life is almost complete. but my needs is nowhere near to ideal. i will try to balance this out, put in more time and effort into educating my soul. it has to start from now and eventually, with His guidance, i am able to guide my family.

no, soul, don’t rest yet. there is many you and i have to do. i am sorry for neglecting you. i am sorry that we have to endure this now. but we will do it together. for us. for the people we love.

survived january

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Came out of January alive.

Thank goodness. all the rush heh. and January really goes very very fast. its February already and I finally am able to breathe for a while.

It is just getting interesting though. I have set my mind on studying this year and I have a few courses in mind to go already. excited much! already I am now going through this mosque officers development course for three months till March.

I had the opportunity to meet the two local leaders, for whom I have great respect towards to, in a sharing session and I find the courage to ask for their advice to face these challenges. and I was glad I did. their message was quite simple but at that point of time, it really touched the mind and heart. Every hard work that we do has its sole purpose of gaining the redha from Allah swt. Matlamat kita hanya kerana Allah. And after every hard work, we must remember and believe, tawakkal ‘alAllah, that at the end of the day, it is truly Allah alone who can give hidayah. Believe in Him and He will guide us. (Al-Baqarah: 282)

We always forget. We take our work and responsibilities, no doubt, with much dedication…and that, in my line, we felt we are not doing enough, we are not teaching enough, and we are not educating the parents enough. maybe we did our best, already gave our best, but at the end of it all, truly, it is Allah who will put in Nur and Hidayah to the people that we are trying to teach. I have wronged myself, and I have wronged Him. I always felt I was a failure for not doing enough, well, I still feel that way, but more enlightened and relieved in a sense that I can still continue do so much more. But I must tawakkal and leave it to Allah swt to do what He wills. Truly guidance and Hidayah comes from Him and Him only. Subhanallah. You know its the simplest things that needs reminding.

We are so bogged down with paperwork we forget the very basic things of our purpose of life. It is all because of Him. This job is not easy. But I pray and pray that Allah forgives me for my weaknesses and wrongs. Forgive me if I am unable to do my best. because I will be accountable for what I did today. I can still move on, I will. until a day comes that I think I had enough. that Allah has destined me to do only so much, I will back down. because I really do not want to be, when at the judgement day, be the person they dragged along to meet His Wrath, I cannot be, Ya Allah. I seek Your forgiveness and Your guidance.

Looking at the two leaders, I am brought down to reality. we are not doing this because we want to, because we have to. all the money does not mean anything, barely a comfort in this world. but there is that end of the road we have yet to go. the real end. no one can barely save one self. except Him.

Forgive me Lord.

I strive to do all I can. Allah will guide me through.

the trainer the participant

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how’ s the week so far? for the record it was not smooth sailing but surprisingly felt a bit more fulfilling. the best part is to be able to give some thought to some pending items. that was really satisfying. i followed as much as possible the blocks of time which i had planned out. i wasnt strictly on it and i have to be conscious and flexible enough to make some adjustments. but for the most part, following that life table helps. a lot.

it had been a tiring two and a half days of teens solat camp. well, generally all of us in the education unit was busy. three of my teachers had to do some teacher training, me and a few of us doing the teens camp pretty much fast pace although its the holidays. but i guess it will all be worth it. and amidst the preparation for the camp, i managed to do those pending things, that was the surprising part. although i had to admit, most of the preparation for the camp were done by my teachers. and they did the facilitation and i come in to take one or two slots and give them the support they needed.  alhamdulillah it went well and i am very happy to see smiling faces at the end of the camp and some determined faces to do better and improve on their prayers.  it was a refreshing part for me too, in the knowledge sense and so many reminders to myself personally. subhanallah. all tiredness just disappeared at the end of the camp. i pray all the students who came and participated very well in this camp learnt something. Oh Allah, please guide these children. they need Your love and guidance to lead their busy life. oh Allah, please help them. help me too. You are the best Guider, the Most Merciful, Most gracious, guide us all to the straight path. amiin.

quite emotional actually going through this camp. i am as good a participant as well as a trainer. me and my teachers, we learnt from each other which is so valuable.

telling myself to keep Moving On works well with this mind also. ok one more week. let’s do better!

listen

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Subhanallah.

I need to note this down because it is part of this search for myself phase that i am going through.

This morning i picked up the Qur’an. Used to be normal for me but i had to pick up this habit back again after quite awhile. And you know how i have been struggling with this mission:me and all these choices and fights i had between me and…me. So when i opened the book, taking where i left off, and subhanallah. The verse which came to me like a slap on my face. I do not know why and which part of my life but at that instant moment, it was like a wake up call to me. The beauty of the qur’an.

I have always believed in making connections with the AlQuran and always believed in finding answers from it. Always. I thought i have lost that connection but Alhamdulillah, that realisation hits me, that Allah still guides me. This weak servant still receives His mercy.

And the verse…well, that was me.. In times of need, i call up to Him and i will not deny that when i am happy and when things are ok..shameless. Whenever work was bad i asked Him to give me answers and tell me what to do but now i know…why do i seek Him only in times of need? When there are people out there in constant prayings and hoping to be in His mercy…we ask for this and that but we forget the blessings and the ni’mah already in front of us. I want all the goodness in life but i couldnt even give Him five minutes of my time in true prayer. Well, just last week the mufti was talking about the challenge to be khusyu’ in prayers. I wanted so much from God but i couldnt be what i am suppose to be. A humble servant. I feel like i have been doing it wrong all this while. The AlQuran is always like that. You can be reading it khatamulquran so many times but at just the right time and the right need, it just appears to you clearly and knock you on the head. Subhanallah.

Tell me, how many times have you read the verse:
“And when men is affliected by pain, he calls his Lord turning to Him passionately. Thereafter, when He blesses him with some favour from Him, he forgets that for which he was calling Him earlier….Can such people be equal to the one who worships during the hours of night, prostrating himself and standing, fearing the Hereafter and having hopes in his Lord’s mercy? Say can those who know and those who do not know become equal? It is only the people of understanding who receives the advice.” Az-zumar 8-9

And then He comforts me with the next ayat: “Say: o My sevants who believe, fear your Lord. Those who do good deeds in this world will have a good return and the earth of Allah is wide. Certainly those who observe patience will be given their reward in full without measure.” Az-zumar 10

When i came to that, i just had to stop and think about whatever that is going on in my life. Just few days back i was blogging and asking whether i gained rewards for serving the mosque and leaving my husband alone at home and ignoring my family altogether. How can i even question myself??!
Patience seri. Patience. This is the challenge the test that He gave me and i should be truly gratified because this challenge is nothing compared to some many people out there with real difficulties.

And then i was in dilemma of whether to continue doing this and get something else that pays more and then i realise again, patience seri. I have so many things i want to do and pursue. But i need to embrace what is already in front of me and do what is best because His rizq is wide. My time will come. And i will find time. Slowly but surely insya Allah.

He will guide me and my loves.

You know i remember there was a point in my life that i really stop finding and waiting. I really gave my full trust in Him that He knows what is best for me. I just stop looking. I saw people around me getting married one by one or having partners but i just stop having any emotional inclinations. I was going to do what is best for me at that time and it was an employment and making my family happy. I concentrated on that. And then Suhaimi came into the picture. I didnt realise it back then but true, it was that trust and tawakkal if i can put it that way. I didnt ask for love, it came to me. With flaws and all. But it worked. And nothing happened unless He wants it.

The point is. I return to that position. That giving wholly my destiny in life to Him. That true understanding of Him guiding me in this. I feel like tearing putting these thoughts here because i feel like i found my old self.

But its hard work. This journey will continue in contemplation.

One lesson in life at a time.

Thank You.