day 1 mencari diri

I am on a 30 days of finding me.
30 hari mencari diri.

I have been thinking of having a book to accompany this rediscovering me phase…before i actually hit a milestone age, the big 3-0.

I have always had connections with a book, especially inspiring novels and stories. The book which i always picked up to bring myself back up has always been paulo coelho’s The Alchemist. A book recommended to me by a schoolmate in secondsry years and have been one of my favourite all this time. Its the one ‘storybook’ i bring along to university because i thought i will need it in times of need and it did help now and then in my pursuit for knowledge with all its difficulties.

That was a book i thought i would take this time around. But then, i realise, no. Why would i want to use a book written by, nonetheless a great author, a spiritual person, and although he believes in God, he not necessarily share my faith.

I had always believed in signs and how Allah will give me inspiration and guidance in times of need. Disclaimer, although i know i strayed from that guidance sometimes and do things on my limited capability. So it happened i borrowed a book from the library with the intention to create some posters and take some contents from this book. But never got to start doing it. The book lay on my desk since a few days ago.

I have edward de bono’s beautiful mind at hand and i strive to read that but who would have thought, Contemplations of a book accompanying me suddenly been decided this morning, when i saw the book on my desk.

doa ajaran ilahi is the book. I realise this could be the right starting point if i am holding this book now. I am in search of myself, why would i stray so far to read all other when this small book could teach me something. It is, quite simply, a book of prayers. And prayers are a tool of a muslim who is in need. I am in need now.

So show me please.

“Supplicate to your Lord humbly and softly, surely He does not like those who cross the limits.” Al-a’raf:55

confession of an abid

This may sound trivial but its the going on 30 series, and im just taking notes of changes i see in myself or a sudden realisation of my own self. Now just today, i realise the type of telekong i wear can affect my concentration in my prayers. I know there is the khusyuk situation one should be in during prayers but i do realise this one important part of myself.

Its when i bought a new set of telekong however unfortunately i did not check properly before actually buying it except asking about the material from the saleslady. So it happened that the headgear had a tight band around the circumference of the face, and the kain was a bit short for my liking. I thought i could bear with the tightness on my face, simply thinking it will expand after a few days. But that first few days left me with headaches and marks on my forehead. And the kain, well, i was always conscious that my feet is not covered properly. I never realise it can affect me so much.

So last friday i bought another new set, the same as my previous one which i had loved. And i have been wearing it sinvce and i am so so happy and comfortable and finally able to focus on the prayers instead of headaches and uncovered feet.

I get into the conclusion, and a bit of advice, to ladies who might have been experiencing difficulties to stay focused, maybe its the praying attire. Change. I knew i changed my old set because it was getting yellowish instead of white. It is usable but it just gets to me that its yellowing instead of pure white. Find a praying attire that you will really like and there are so many choices out there, from material to colour to design. Find one you are comfortable in and will love wearing. When you are in your best attire, you are more ready and focused.

Just like going for an interview for job. You want to give a good impression, of course, you would wear something comfortable and nice enough to present yourself well. You would even buy a new set of dress even! So why not for Lord? Give your best physically and the mind and heart will do the rest.

Having a praying attire that you like wearing will certainly be a form of motivation too. This definitely works with children too!

Ok, i suddenly feel like a productive muslim blogger haha. What happen to the recently bought telekong? Well i am going to wash it and maybe donate it to the mosque as a wakaf. Its only few days old and looks brand new. Insya Allah.

I dont know why this is worth a blogpost, but it matters to me 🙂

family love

We all love this chinese new year. If we can have four (three for me) full days of public holiday, i really wish for a chinese new year every month! It was so nice to finally be resting after a gruelling january. A deserved break for most of us aye.

I am really grateful for this break. And the weather had been just nice, rainy cool days. But what i loved most was that i got to spend a bit of time with my family three days straight. Got a massage with my mother and sister at the comfort of home at hougang ave 8. I miss my family, the chitter chatter of my siblings and my parents.

I got to go shopping with my parents, for their prep to umrah end of this month. That…i really am happy for. Its just, we will always feel happy seeing our parents happy. Although honestly, i am quite worried for them. I mean, my parents havent really travelled so far, and like letting them go to a far away foreign land, no doubt in a group, i still feel worried for them. My parents are such honest kind innocent people and i know they will be quite out of place not knowing what to do. Not that i know what to do when i have never gone there before myself, but i feel i can take better care of them when i am there. But anyway, my father surprised us all when he already bought the umrah package. I wasnt prepared for it myself but i would have loved to go. And i worry for my mother because she couldnt read the quran as well and no one to accompany her down there if she needs to go anywhere muslimah based. Oh Lord, i leave them to You, please guide them, accept their umrah, forgive them and take care of them.

Looking at another angle, i am quite relieved also i am here so that i can take care of my siblings. Although they can take care of themselves, still, an adult somewhere near them is important too.

Maybe the next time, we can all go together. Amiin.

I got to do things i love and not a second i thought about work.

I wish it is still holiday tomorrow. If only i am not working…;)

interval

rest. what is rest to me?

rest is when i get to read a great engaging full of life book, with a mug of hot chocolate by the bedside table

rest is when i get to sew even though it was simply altering dresses

rest is when i get to do amateur pretty scrapbooking projects

rest is when i get to do the things above listening to some cool songs

rest is when (not yet, soon) i get to do some gardening

rest is when i get to watch a movie i loved on repeat

rest is when i get to watch awesome anime or dramas i love

rest is when i get to blog, happy stuffs. 😉

But someone said Rest is when my right feet enters Jannah. Allahumma salli alaa sayyidina Muhammad.

Lord, forgive me.

scream aim fire

no. please do not be shock by the title of my post. as you might have read somewhere in my older posts, my titles can be random at times. i was just playing Bullet for My Valentine’s album of the same name. i forgot how much i used to love those kinds of genre songs. oh the band wasnt the best of the lot. there were avenged sevenfold, breaking benjamin, atreyu, what else? havent been keeping up anyway. where are all these bands??  i dont know whether i influenced my siblings or they influenced me haha. i cant say i have been a good elder sister influencing them there but im quite surprised and a little weeny bit of pride at the choices of songs they listen to. quite a variety actually but not the mainstream. Anyway, yes, not a good elder sister influence there. i know i have many other goals which i want my siblings to do. well, this year is all about picking up the pieces.

seriously. my heart screams for all these aims i never got to do. but my babies are all grown up now and busy with their own things. i hope my proposal for a different work schedule this year is approved and i get to recover the mess i left. i like my fridays but they are schooling and my saturdays are spent on other people’s children. my sundays? well i returned to work every sunday last year and i do have my chores to complete.

anyway 2013. please be kind. i dont usually have resolutions but i guess the feeling for 2013 is a bit different. it’s like i am determined to be kind to myself. and what i meant is, my job is not everything. the job is difficult and cruel at times. even as of now, i have pending works and my brain is kinda reeling around those list of things to do. but i want to stop, pause, breathe and take comfort that tomorrow is another day, i can finish that task tomorrow AT WORK. and 4 years on the job, i am better prepared and confident to do what is expected. students and parents, bring it on! haha. ok be careful what i wish for. students and parents, please be kind. because this year is not for me to be a plain manager, it’s the year to lead. i had set some foundation. its a work in progress i understand that now. nothing can be perfect. but at the back of my mind, everyone is scrambling for a point of reference, even the parents. i need to take things more seriously, not that i havent, but in the few years we are starting, i was so into getting the teachers, arranging lesson plans, teaching and all them reports and paperworks. these things will be part of the job, but i feel there is more to the job than just this.

i am not perfect. no. i may not be the best person to be here. but while i am here, i should make the best of it. Allah, please guide me.  like a strike of inspiration, i guess You have given me the answer to my prayers. yes. i know that now. You have always guided my decisions. for now, i know You want me to be here. for now.

still, as i have mentioned. work is not everything. i have my husband. my family. my self. they are more important than everything else and me is important. my husband needs my care. and i mean it. i realise he has been doing all the caring and love. i havent do much. apart from the simple chores i did…i simply havent do much. and i want to do more. and my priorities have changed. and work is somewhere down the list. if this work requires me to be fisabilillah. than it will. it will not be forced on me.

it is scream aim fire. in other words, start, aim and do it right.

its like i find myself all over again.

oktoberfest

Who would have thought? It seems just like yesterday i blogged and lamented about the coming days of october. And surprise surprise, the month has passed by without me really realising the days are gone. And hello november!

I never meant to make it as though im updating this space on a monthly basis, for one thing, life has been just work work and more (boring) work. And yes october is not much difference. However, i can say, it had been an exciting month.

I have been madly busy due to the registration period. With having to recheck every single frustrating name because there could either be double entries of the same name or the student wasnt listed at all. And there are about 800 names i have to look through! And now i am in the process of transferring all these details into the school system, another tedious tedious job. Have i told you my eyesight is getting worst with all these staring games im having with my pc at work? I have resorted to reading books because i think my eyesights is going to scream at me if i have to keep on looking at screens. But wordpress on the ipad…there isnt any other way is it? And i cant use my specs for too long while looking at the screens because i will get this splitting headaches. I have now increase the view on word docs to about 200%. Really, work hazard betullah.

But anyway, the battle for registrations is not done yet, i had to push aside other pending works to give a bit of focus on edufest. Its a love hate relationship la this one. I dont look forward to it but i enjoyed the meetings at other mosques because the journey to these places allow me to either think or read a book. I hate that i have to sacrifice time and energy because my work here at my own mosque is demanding at its peak, but i fully realise the reason for having this programme. It took a lot out of me. Tiring nonetheless but trying to give our best. I guess the timing for the programme is not suitable, moreover the people taking up this task are administrators and heads of education unit. It is a period where we are busy with logbooks, graduations, parent teachers meeting, tests ongoing, fieldtrips and supplementaries and yes, the most hectic process, registration. And this year, it was back to back with eiduladha. And mosques are busy busy busy with the preparations.

It came and passed. Not exactly how we imagined it, but the battle was faced together and friendships were created, hardships and exhaustion and frustration was handled together. I guess that matters a lot more.

Now to share about korban, another challenging period for mosques. We had to be audited, and my mosque combined with another in the cluster. It was bittersweet because less work and preparation for my mosque, but it felt so much quiet without the hustle and bustle of korban. It will never be the same doing korban at another mosque. Different ways of doing things. But i am proud that our volunteers worked so hard at the other giving time and energy as much as doing at our place. Everyone worked so hard and i meant everyone. It was more pressurising knowing this year’s korban will determine whether the animals will be imported from australia.

But i believe, australian laws are not the determining factor of whether we will be able to carry out korban next year. Korban is a work of ibadah and no matter what happens, the world is Allah’s, not australian, not singapore not arab owned. Allah ordered this ibadah and He will make sure His servants are able to do it. This world is abundant with His rezeki. Who are the australians to say whether we can or cannot do korban? Ini hukum Allah. Syiar Islam. It will never die. And i know we will work hard for it. Seeing my chairman day in day out working to make sure we get to do korban, you have to admire his way of work. Really. It was not easy. Definitely an eye opener and a wake up call for most, but i cant help but say that some country “perangai y.a.h.u.d.i”, i know its harsh but sesuatu ibadah yang senang dijadikan sukar, dan merendahkan agama Islam. Tak dinafikan orang Islam pun ada salah dan silapnya. These are all learning experience for the Muslims.

What saddens me though, was the ‘participants’ of korban. They bought, yes, with hard earned money i must say. But expecting things to move at the flick of a finger. No sense of patience or good will at all! Im not generalising because there are people who are very patient. But majority of the people who came acted as though we are stupid. It irritated me that they came with this all and mighty air and shouting swearing at us because minor issues. And that here we are working so hard to bl£€><5 serve them had to be the calming factor? I mean really, you are coming here to do korban for God's sake but you cant even show an atom of patience. Nabi ibrahim disuruh korbankan anaknya tapi masih mampu bersabar dengan semaha sabar, kita yang baru nak korban seekor kambing gurun yang kecil, perangai melebihi bisikan syaitan.

There was this man who made a big issue because of a number and even sweared at us with bad words, at a mosque mind you. And swearing to the ladies nonetheless, hitting the table in front of everyone. Just because of a stupid number? My hands were shaking with anger at this stupid man and luckily the head of korban operations of the mosque came up and handled him. Because if no one came i would have given him a piece of my mind and stuttered more bad words at him than i should. I still remember that man's face and may Allah forgives him. Me? I do not know him but i can never forgive what he said and did. Because all of us are working hard here and he had no right to be angry at us. No right at all. Im revengeful like that. Nak buat korban tapi hati masih jauh dan tidak memahami erti korban. Baru korban masa sikit dah merungut macam salah kita tiada esoknya. Nanti di akhirat kena tunggu lagi lama untuk dihitung amalan, cubalah merungut nanti! Wajah satu2 yang datang nak buat korban, tak ada satu pun yang senyum. Tak tahulah kalau ada yang ucapkan terima kasih pada ustaz2 yang bertukar menjadi penyembelih, anak2 muda yang jadi pengembala kambing untuk sehari, sukarelawan yang bekerja satu hari tanpa bayaran, sampai ada juga yang mengungkit bila kita simpankan sedikit daging untuk sukarelawan. Kita yang satu hari macam tak sempat nak duduk masih lagi menghulurkan senyuman dan ucapan terima kasih pada jemaah.

Seriously i dont know what has become of us people. Nanti yang menjatuhkan syiar ini bukan masjid2, jangan salahkan masjid2 sebab mereka dah cuba sedaya upaya untuk terus jalankan korban, kita sebagai umat ni, masyarakat Islam, langsung tak ada perasaan kasih antara satu sama lain! Tidak ada sifat menghargai usaha satu sama lain.

Just the other day someone posted in fb-the deadly viral space, about the monthly contribution they made to a certain organization and not happy about it because he was denied assistance due to his race. Hello, pernah dengar perkataan sedeqah tak? Its just a $3-$5 contribution per month, despite the confusing policy of the organization, which i agree has to be clarified by the organization, but i think, it is a chance for sadaqah. Bersihkan niat tukarkan contribution tu into a niat of sedaqah. And the stupid thing about fb is that all these people started to “Like” and posted some comments and mengapikan lagi the actually small matter which this person is trying to bring up. And everyone started to act smart and think they know better than the other. Jangan berkira sangat boleh? Makes me wonder whether the monthly ciput salary im receiving is out of the angers of people such as him. Kalau ramai lagi org mcm ni, takpelah, saya tak bergaji pun tak apa dari makan duit org2 yang tak ikhlas. takut tahu tak! and people always think kita yang kerja di masjid ni mcm kuli tau. tak ada hormat langsung. But insya Allah, i know there are many more who donated out of pure heart. May Allah bless these kind and generous people. Cuba belajar dari sejarah, apa jadi dalam perang uhud? Semua mula mengungkit dan kekalahan berlaku, pada zaman Nabi tu. Nabi Muhammad s.a.w masih hidup lagi tu.

Ok i better stop because im getting really agitated just typing this out. And i will go on and on and start to bring up all kinds of silly stories and experience. I better stop.

It really saddens me. May Allah give us all the strength and patience, patience, patience and make us ikhlas in our daily job. Please Allah. Forgive us for trying too hard and still not doing much. So help us Lord.

There you go. My oktoberfest which have nothing to do with art or drinking.

Oh speaking of which. After so many years loving iced lemon tea, i realised that its this love which is giving me my terrible almost eczema attacks on my legs. Yes, i have did self research on my….yes, self…when i stop drinking sweet drinks and consume clear plain water, i was free of itchiness. But when i start drinking it back, my itch attack came back. I only realised this during the recent fasting month. And tried to confirm it again after that. And now, its true. I can drink iced lemon tea, but only once in awhile, not everyday.

Oklah, blogging diarrhea already.

Good night and till the next…month? 😉

beautiful post ramadhan

indeed a beautiful reformed ramadhan and syawal which i hoped i get to maintain till the next ramadhan.

a night of touched heart and soul. a day of gratitude and prostration. a habit revived.

and visits to my elderly uncles and aunts in which i found the need to visit. for they remind me of my grandparents despite their flaws and past mistakes. who am i, as their niece to judge?

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and will forever be missed my beloved grandparents. never. never forget.

in love in grief

I am just back from a short holiday to Langkawi with my hubby’s family. Although this post is not about Langkawi. Rather, this is like an expression of my sorrow to the news i read as soon as i reached the country. The death of a boy in a holiday with his family in Australia and a couple on honeymoon in New Zealand, which i felt so much sadness for…maybe because i had my honeymoon in New Zealand too and it could have been us.

I remember too well the long drive from one state to another. and most of the time we will be the only car for the long stretch of road. no doubt its the excitement of having the road to yourself, the beauty of the scenery all around you, catching the mountains, the sea or sunsets. its indeed beautiful. but i did recall how hubby will be very tired for the long drive and many times he got sleepy. and although he wanted to drive on to be able to reach our destination before sunset, i had to force him to stop somewhere and get a 10 – 15mins power nap. we did that few times. and it helped that New zealand roads had some scenic stops which we can have a short rest. i took over once or twice when the road was easier.

And i remember too those hilly roads with sharp turns and looking out the window, you may get beautiful scenery, but it will be a huge deep lake or thick forests, there may be barriers, there may be not. and not to say your other side will be the mountain rocks, some even had warnings of rocks falling. and then the advices from friendly new zealanders or the motel owners of landslide, of snows in certain areas. those thoughtful advices were really helpful for us to plan our route. through those hilly sharp turned roads, i can never stop worrying and never stop praying until we get to the end of it and on to a proper road. i will be hubby’s second pair of eyes, coz what is blindspot to him, i can see clearly. all those lonely roads… half the time i would be thinking who to call if something bad happened to us.

and then it did. we were trying to follow a lord of the rings trail on our own. we found the road, but we did not expect was how much further in it was going to be, from fields of sheep and farm animals, to a sudden change of stone roads or boulder roads whichever you can call it, towards what we saw in the distance a forest ahead. those boulder roads were dangerous.but we thought we can handle the long and lonely road. yes, you see no one else and no other cars except the sheep and deers around you. we didnt know how it happened, but the car skidded and hubby really did lose control of the car. and really at that point of time, everything is reeling in your mind, but i was just thinking of my husband, what will happened if… but the car skidded on and brought to a stop when it got stuck in a deep muddy patch at the side of the road. but even then, i think the car could have toppled over. we just looked at each other too shocked to say anything. but that is not the end of it. the problem now was to get the car out of the muddy patch. the thing is that the car is half slanting down, from the boulder roads, its like one step down into the muddy patch. we can’t bring it to neither reversed nor forward. we did not know what else to do, even mentally preparing to be stuck there for the night (it was getting darker). until thankfully fortunately gratefully a car passed by, a local family, and they helped us bring the car back to safety, effortlessly. seriously, it took the man about 5 minutes to bring back the car on the road! heh. we were thanking him profusely. so did we reach the LOTR trail destination? NO! we went back to main road.

it was an experience indeed and now that i looked back. especially through scenic roads which are actually, just hills and more hills, small roads, curvy sharp turns and literally truly just you, me and the mountains…But i am really thankful that we went and came back in one piece.

reading about the death of the honeymoon couple, i am really really sad but at the same time… glad they had each other at the time it happened and together in the next life, because we would not know how to live if we lose one of us. really, we would rather die together than to have just one of us live. my prayers to the departed. my prayers to the family who are still in shock after a nice and grand family get together, only to receive grieving news.

Surely death comes in unexpected ways. Innalillahi wa inna ilaihi rajiun.

who knows best

Usually i always start my blogpost with a title and i could work from there. but nowadays it seems that i work the other way round. not that it matters but i seriously think titles are everything, and it is the focus of a story..

it has been a turnaround in my perspective, in my work, mostly. i had been praying hard for the past weeks and still is to God to give me the strength and guidance in this and mostly asking for HIS blessings in my every actions and decision. and remember i blogged about trying to make this exciting when there’s a lack of it, surprisingly, i find myself treating my work with a bit of excitement and that energy of purposefulness. I know it’s God’s way of comforting me and guiding me through. and im seriously taking mental notes of all the signs. ALHAMDULILLAH. with Your guidance Ya Allah, let me do what will be best for me, for my husband and family, for the community and the ummah.

But it doesnt mean my mind has not stopped thinking about it. i still do. its just that the circumstances is not giving me that chance. not now anyway. i will persevere on. insya Allah. indeed HE knows best. Im asking for HIS guidance.

on a happy note, one of my closest friends, still friends till this day, all the way from those Roswell years and I am glad we are still friends..ok ok…she gave birth to a sweet baby girl with a sweet, and in my personal view, a cool and most unique name (which is, expected if it’s dyan, hehe) Nur Athea. I love the name! alhamdulillah, visited her last friday and so glad mother and daughter is safe and sound. So my three closest friends from school have children. Mahir with baby Emre, Dayah with 3-yr old Lutfi and now Dyan with sweet Athea.

And you know what, i cant wait for one myself. but Allah knows best. we can keep on praying and trying but Allah knows best when this little one should be created. and with all the people i met who will ask every face time, with their prayers, we will have one two three four? who knows?! Allah knows. and maybe in time. in the right time. little he or she will come. and mommy and daddy here will be waiting patiently for you precious one.

i had a dream. and that dream will come true. Amin.

Re arrange

Its time to rearrange.
Rearrange my stuffs
Rearrange my family and social needs
Rearrange my workspace
Rearrange my time
Rearrange my priorities
Rearrange my self, inner self
Rearrange to make time to find myself

You know its always a journey. I havent been any better than yesterday and i havent…well..i dont think i did anything beyond.

Having realised all these, i believe i need to start moving and planning to make life more fulfilling.

Giving myself another year.