I really think that this ramadhan is moving way faster than i remember from the previous ramadhans. It’s already, can you believe it, 19th of Ramadhan! with ten more days to rush for, no no, not the baju-s or kuih-s but the much anticipated lailatul qadar. ok i dont want to sound like it’s some game or what, but I really hope that i will at least get to wake up and ask for His forgiveness one of these days. i just need to go back to what i was used to.

So Ramadhan, please go a bit bit slower will you? please please give me a little bit more chance?

it’s actually a very different ramadhan for me this year. i miss break fast with my siblings. especially when both mom and dad not home, we’ll order some fast food or i might cook if i had the mood, and we’ll set the table together, on the radio for as loud we want waiting for the azan, and the best part would be the talks we would have during iftar. there will be so many things that my siblings will be sharing, their jokes. i really miss that.

and down here, sometimes i felt sad because mother is not here. i imagined if she’s still here, she wont be fasting but she might still be around, probably eating with us. cant believe that she wont be here to celebrate Eid together. like how did it happen at all?

and back home, i have no idea how my siblings are doing. how my parents are getting along after that period of tension. i know in front of me they acted as though everything is fine, in fact both of them did not mention anything to me except what my siblings told me but i hate it that i dont have control over events. i always felt when im there, im able to control things and make sure everything is fine. but i cant anymore. and its affecting my system. i feel lost sometimes.

Work hasnt been helping and its barely at the edge of falling. but still something tends to bring me back up, its either a meeting with other teachers, a workshop i went to, a book i read and tells me to ‘look, just stay on for a while longer because these people needs you, no, the children needs you.’ but i know my motivational energy is getting lower and lower by the day. it’s a constant inner fight that sometimes i dont know what i want or need to do anymore.

it is a constant fight. like how do i tell my teens to be good when half the time i dont know what my own siblings are doing? and all these threatening what ifs in my mind.

i’m losing control.

But i hope this Ramadhan has made me think alot and reflect. so even if there are no clear answers i hope i know what my next step will be.

urgghh i feel like scrubbing the whole floor of this house. really. mopping doesnt give me the satisfaction anymore, heh. 😉

Allahu musta’an.

I had been postponing blogging for so many times. so many memories which i had wanted to express and locked in poetic living. now it seems all those memories doesnt seem to matter anymore at this point of time. we lost one person who mattered so much to me. one person who mattered the most to my husband. invalid but such a strong presence in this home, quiet but her silence is comfort, knowing she is always home, sitting by the window or watching tv. a smile when someone calls her.

i used to always look into her room whenever i passed it, knowing she’ll be there sleeping or sitting on her wheelchair, it’s almost a habit, having done it for the past 7 months. even now, my head just automatically looked into her room. stabbed my heart to find it empty and realising she’s no longer here.

it still feels surreal. it’s like it is something we should be expecting, her health had been deteriorating, but mother in law had always been strong. had always been there. always. is it true she’s no longer here? my mind still a blur although busy with everything. is it true?

i didnt think i would cry so hard or felt her loss as much as my husband and his sisters would feel, but i did. she is a mother after all. i would say i am lucky to have her as a mother in law although i came into the family too late, and i didnt get to learn so many things from her. but i know she is such a loving person. i know she tried to treat me as a daughter in law, so happy when i came into the room and having a conversation, trying to understand as much i can her slurring chitchat. holding my hand so tight, nodding to whatever im sharing with her. i took things for granted but im going to miss her. really miss her.

i hope i have been a good daughter in law in this short span of leaving under the same roof. i know i could have done more. but making work as a reason for not spending much time with her, it really makes me hate myself. i really do. and im playing with thoughts of quitting.

mother, i pray for tranquility there in the other side. you have been a great, hardworking and kind mother, may we meet again in heaven. amiin.

and never take things for granted people.

****************************************************
why i’m thinking of quitting. i hated the fact that i was thinking of the madrasah and the retreat the night we had been called back to the hospital because mother’s blood pressure is decreasing by the hour. and i was still contemplating of going to the mosque that early morning. but i was glad i didnt choose to, but i hated those thoughts. and i hated that i received calls from transport? from uniform vendor? from parents? from some relief who had to play diarrhoea on me like a stupid joke and left me scrambling for other relief. i hated all those because i felt like shouting to them, im greiving here, just leave me alone. my husband needed me, my sisters in law needed me. just stop!

but i am thankful for having such a reliable group of asatizah, and reliable youth who we can always turn to for relief.

and quite honestly, i really feel like i want to quit. but i do not want to be too impulsive. i need to really think through. i need to soul search. i need to increase my knowledge. i just feel like taking a break from all this.

please guide me. God.