contemplating.me

that cliche

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wake me up when september ends.

How did September passed by quickly? and that it’s mid October. this moment that i realised that the days had been a blur. i am just passing through day by day without much thought.

except that i hit a high and then low for days before having to put up a strong front, for other people, and then felt like now i think i am back to normal again? put up a face of confidence when i don’t feel it and i just want to curl up in a hole or just lay in bed and do nothing. i want to chuck this phone out of sight and not reply to any messages or demands. sometimes i wonder if i am in need of some mental check through? this up and down…this…what is normal?!

the days been crazy, physically and emotionally, even intellectually if i can say so.

i feel disattached to what i was so used to. i have had that urge of leaving all the wa groups that had been a part of me for so long and almost normal to be receiving messages from them. someone made a comment that goes along the line of you need to get out of the group yourself because you’re not part of it anymore. we couldn’t ‘delete’ you because we don’t want to hurt you…and then hurt me in this conversation? im like Ok i can get out of it now! and i did, in front of him. granted, i wasn’t really that close to that particular group. but it was still a mixed feelings of im sad to leave it but also good riddance? is it i am not needed anymore. face it, i AM NOT NEEDED, in this part of the world! (drama, i know). its logical actually.

and then i wonder if i should leave all the other familiar groups? it could be that they don’t want to hurt me and so just leave me there…and then…created a new group altogether. its paranoid of zero degree. perhaps i don’t have to think too much. then there’s that awkwardness of should i say something before i leave, should i say thank you for whatever it is, or should i just leave quietly, perhaps some time midnight when everyone is sleeping and they don’t even aware that i leave? in fact its been 6 months now. people could already forget that i was there in the first place. i could do that. let them be free… or is it i be free?

sheeessshh.. this attachment issues really…sucks.

and then i heard from someone, giving a comment. not about me, but about his ownself, because he needs to leave too…he said he should leave whatever groups quickly, make it clean so there is no confusion, and that he himself could focus on what lies ahead of him, instead of burdening himself with what he assumed as unfinished business..because let’s face it, someone else will do it (or will have to do it). but not what is already waiting for him. that- he needs to pave the way, quickly. his previous position, his previous team, will be there to support him to make that transition, but at the same time, he cannot dwell on that attachment because things needs to get moving. leave and don’t think too much. just do it. the system will allow that we all eventually meet again, work together again. so why feel so attached. we are all doing this for a higher purpose, some mission to create something good.

it’s true, right?

within a few weeks, did his handovers, said thank you and leave. (although we always see him now and then. pretty sure he goes through some adaptation and change struggle but he’s not showing it, in fact, he seems more like a person with purpose…with a lot at stake)

ahhh this public servant thing…you always move on fast.

i did make a first step. after realising that i have not checked my previous work email for so long, i had a sudden obligation to check and true enough, i received a few emails from parents and people who are not aware that i was no longer working there. i forwarded these emails to the new head for her to follow up, quickly, i hope. i was like, sheesh, i really need to do something or people will be angry at me for not replying or worse, angry towards the mosque. so i did an automatic reply and requested from my (ex)colleague to take me out from the internal group mails (because otherwise they will receive my automatic reply every time). it does feel like i just strip off a part of me. but no. don’t dwell on it. because well, even the (ex)boss don’t seem to care.. erkkk…

i should be grateful, even if it’s for awhile. i do feel like like i can get used to this job, but i need to make a lot of changes. change perspectives and how i do things, how i see things, people even. i have been pretty much doing things out of habit, this is really a shock to the system, shake the mind a bit, give it a fresh reel. i have all these experiences, they are useful to pave the way for an exciting future. so, be free.

for God’s sake, its been 6 months. as you have already see, they are all doing well…without you…so give it a year, and if Allah wills it, move back and start anew. for now, focus on what is already in front of you.

will do. smile. enjoy the process.

borrowed life

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Today I am allowed to complete another full year of life and add another day to a new lease of life.
I hope I have lead this life well thus far.
I hope that I have fulfilled some milestones in the three decades of borrowed living.

1988 – Kindergarten at 5 years old exactly thirty years ago

1990 – Primary One at one of the best madrasahs. sweet and not so sweet memories. some remembered some forgotten. some in broken pieces of memory reel. some stamped in memory perhaps emotionally impacted.

2001 – Graduated finally after twelve long years of basic education. Nothing fantastic a student I was, but barely survived with good mentions, I hoped. The fact that some of my teachers could remember and called me by my full name, I must have been a small part of their good teaching diaries, meagre as compared to other stellar classmates.
But hey, I survived.

2003 – Who would have thought or dreamt that I could stepped to a university. seriously. no one thought I would. but somehow I made it. away from family for the first time, remembered crying myself to sleep because my loved ones felt so far away. I was 20, lol. could have been more stronger than that!
3 years of amazing life of learning and hardships and friendships that last. memories we wouldn’t trade for anything.


2008 – And so it begins. adulting, as they call it nowadays. and for the rest of our lives that is. those, another day, another story to tell.


2010 – Marriage. Who would have thought that?! I didn’t for sure. We didn’t look for each other. We came into each other’s lives by coincidence, not us, but our elders. but with a heartbeat he took me under his wings, care and love for me, made me feel safe and complete. without a worry in the world. I hope I have cared and loved you as much. and to love and care for one another for the rest of our lives.


2019 – Still here. Alhamdulillah.

there may be more that one can wish to accomplish. perhaps an inkling to achieve something worthy. to make life worthwhile and meaningful. we are all made for bigger things. I think I am. but everything at its own right time.

I pray for love, health and strength to persevere. faith, deep full faith. and trust in Him and His decree.

perfect heartbreaks

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how many heartbreaks can a person take?
when you cannot hide behind a smile anymore?
when you no longer hold your tears?
when your hole of a heart beats to nothing?

how many heartbreaks can a person take?
when holding on to goodness becomes a lie?
when kindness becomes deceitful?
when truth blurred in blackness?

how many heartbreaks can a person take?
when your lips couldnt say out the right words?
when your hands trembled with anger and sorrow?

how many heartbreaks can a person take?
when did protecting becomes a mistake?
when did caring becomes a weakness?
when did all that is good turns to dust?
when did honesty scalded from burns?
when did happiness becomes painful?
when did doing the right thing brings grief?

how many heartbreaks can a person take?
what do you do?
to rise from these ashes?
to hold on to what is true?
to see goodness again?
to be kind again?
to be in perfect denial of your worst?

so i can finally be happy for you?

super ladies

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i rarely take selfies, and not always the first to take photos of myself. someone else always initiates a group photo. never me. but there are few instances where i feel like i need to capture a person or moment i want to remember. and when i offer myself and i actually want to take a photo with a person, it is usually to remember the feelings or thoughts i had at that moment.

like today, for instance. i was in the same room with two ladies i was always in awe of. we were attending a meeting and the two ladies seated in the front row, as leaders. and i kept telling myself, the two of them at the same place and time, i need to take a photo with them. need. yes. an opportunity as this dont always come by.

at the end of the meeting, i took up enough courage to get a friend to help me out. and i was happy.

one was my principal. well, she was my principal during my school years. i don’t remember having nice memories of her actually, well, simply because she was a strict principal, her loud voice and gave stern face was all she need to do to make any of us girls trembled in fear. i remembered though, mornings i had to be early to clean her office. i was a shy and quiet student. i don’t start conversations but i think, we thrived in those silent mornings. i was clearly not a great student, i scraped by, i survived just by trying to do and be my best in school.

but somehow, i looked up to her and respected her. i think she is an epitome of a strong lady who had to face head on all the, i am sure, difficult challenges of being the only female principal in a pre-dominantly leadership role usually occupied by men. but she never faltered, the way i see it. she was the principal and she was also teaching the upper classes. getting an A in her GP class was rare but having gotten one for an essay, gosh, that truly felt like a trophy and i treasured that essay. funnily though, that essay was based on my teen obsession towards Roswell (the drama series) and a short span interest on aliens. i don’t even remember why i thought aliens are relevant then. but perhaps that essay was full of passion and vigor, i nailed it. so anyway, when many of my classmates had a bit of resentment towards her, which i do not understand why, i have nothing but respect.

the other lady, was someone i met in my career life. i attended her trainings, and was intrigued by the NLP she introduced to us. i followed her classes then. i can say she inspired me in many ways, although i can never be like her. too much energy and optimism, lol. but still, she taught us many useful things in the course of my work and she ignited us with her passion and positivity. i have not met her for quite a while now. and as God has it, she is now the current principal of my alma mater. the turn of events, they say. such a small world.

now that i think about it, these two power ladies shaped me into who i am today. may it be small or big influence, and i still looked up to them for inspiration, for a glimpse of motivation to keep moving on. wasn’t easy, this.

i looked up to many ladies, as role models. these are my mentors. there are others i felt i owed them my success. they do. they have different personalities and ways of doing their work, i picked up these pieces of inspiration and hoped that i can be as successful as them, if not better.

how far can i go, then?

life pendulum

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in my line of work, family and friends are sometimes surprised when i say ‘oh i have so many meetings this week,’ ‘i have due dates to rush for.’ and then i either try explaining to them what i do, for the past 7-8 years now, or i just say ‘yah it’s just, you know, work’. perhaps the idea of working at a mosque, is still pretty much sit and…..do…nothing? someone should come up with a series of life of a mosque worker.

oh my god, did i just come up with a brilliant idea? 😛

my and my ideas.

i have been reading books on trying to find myself, like for the umpteenth time, and found some answers or ‘advices’ which pretty much knock some senses. like “How To Be Everything” by Emilie Wapnick, which really resonates with me, gives me a lot to think about and practical exercises to go about and ‘find my way’, and then there’s Kikki K’s The Life Plan by Shannah Kennedy, which, by right, i bought it because it looks like a pretty book, honestly, and (by left) quite useful too in some ways: finding your life values, time management, etc.

and recently, When to Jump by Mike Lewis. No book gave me straight answers, but i am devouring them with the knowledge that these are all signs. this current book in particular screams ‘passion’ ‘mission’ ‘calling’ ‘what am i afraid of?’ what’s the worst that can happen?’ and ‘

what do you believe in?

‘

(Sidetrack: i’m either a clingy mothercat or just lack of love, haha, i find love in the very fact that my Kechik roams around the house, and always come back to me..like, now im blogging, i thought she’s somewhere around the house. when i turned around, she’s actually laying napping behind me. she shadows me around the house….i’ll play around go anywhere i want, but still come back to mommy. heart-eyed. lol)

anyway, back to what i was saying… i look around me…sink in all these experiences, these meetings, be open to receiving it all again, perhaps, a glow of fire re-ignite somewhere. but the life vane (wind vane, get it?) is not pointing to a straight direction. it moves a lot. stopping at a time at one direction and then it changes pointing to a different possibility. but one thing i know, it changes this year. a little pendulum tells it so. what is it though?

personal end point

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still on How To Be Everything from Emilie Wapnick

Surprsingly this book gives me some points to think about which i have yet to see or read from other self development books i read. especially with this uncertainty at the crossroads im facing.

i appreciate this Personal End Point concept. because it gives me that clear understanding that i am not a failure or im not needed anymore. it just means i could have achieved what i came for (in this job).

Your Personal End Point…is usually a growing awareness that you’ve learned or accomplished all you need to in an area, that you’re basically done here. This restlessness comes on slowly and the reality that we’re ready to move on is often something we try to ignore.

pay attetion to how you feel physically and emotionally

but then there is also Resistance. to take from the book, if i feel excitement and panic, desire to quit suddenly, feeling insecure, or the project is challenging, then it could be Resistance that i’m dealing with. This is what i need to reassess. i need to confirm whether it’s Resistance or Personal End Point.

on the other hand, i opened the newspaper today and the news on IRCC convention and a lady who worked as librarian, side to side. how is it two loves (comparative religion and library) came on point to my face like a strike. it is two loves which i told myself, i wish i could have been there. i wish i was her (the librarian).

i am learning to take all these signs. to point to me the way i could choose. and be at peace at it.

semangat yang hilang

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semangat yang hilang
pedih letih sedih
apa yang ditangiskan
badan tak tertanggung
otak tak terfikir
hati tak terisi

semangat yang hilang
penat tenat sekat
apa yang nak diluahkan
badan terbisa lesu
otak terkenang sepi
hati terpudar kasih

semangat yang hilang
perlu kau ku peluk diri
perlu kau ku bijak kembali
perlu kau ku penuhi hati

semangat yang hilang
jangan lari dari mimpi
jangan rajuk dari sisi
banyak lagi nak realisasi

semangat ku yang hilang
ku pimpin kau ke mari
sama-sama kita diri
sayang, jangan putus hati

return to the pen

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i am now your ‘certified’ journal writer. not one not two but three journals. or rather planners and journals.

i have started writing since the start of december and i realised i couldnt stop writing. and it surprises me how much i have to tell from just one day.

why so many? i guess i want to separate my worklife from my personal life. i used to dumpl everything into one planner and then as the months go by, i saw that work took up more and more space for it and leaving little for my personal life. so now i have two planners. one purely for work and its like everyday there seems to be a new list of things to get done. covered the whole weekly page!

i have a little black book dedicated to my personal life, my habits, my list of things to do for home and family. i have to do this and make it a commitment to love my self more. and i pretty much love it.

i also have a daily journal that i have been writing nonstop. its a one page a day journal and hey, sometimes i have so many things to write within a day, i kind a have to stop and make it to another day.

i am also currently trying to write a journal which is more like a biography of sorts. who knows, it could be the start of something. may not be my story, but still a story to tell.

i am not abandoning my space, my virtual space as yet. i still love blogging. its just that there is more to write than just blog. perhaps this space could evolve.

learn and relearn

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i think i can do a lot of things.

  • sewing
  • scrapbook – guestbooks/bookmarks/cards
  • blogging
  • write articles
  • creative writing

and i want to do or learn more things.

  • photography
  • photoshop
  • designing
  • cooking/baking
  • calligraphy
  • flower arrangements
  • journaling
  • book reviewing
  • tahfiz Qur’an
  • crafts
  • brooch making

i used to know/do

  • crochet
  • play the guitar
  • origami
  • beads jewelry

i have tried making

  • felt bookmarks
  • pin cushioned frames

now that i think about it, i am surprised and grateful that my parents allow me to do or learn all these crafts and i enjoyed doing them. i don’t know why i stop. especially crochet.

there are so many potential and interesting hobbies i could do and pursue, even relearn some of them.

and i must not say that i don’t have the time. i must make time. but i also need to make sure the skills i learnt are made to good use. beneficial at least to other people. tangible useful stuffs.

need some serious mind exercise and effort to really do this.