contemplating.me

time alone

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i know. I’ve been repeating a lot about how much i need to recuperate as an introvert. i really did. it is important to me that i have this alone time because otherwise i really could not function.

i will not be able to be productive and efficient at work. i cannot move forward. i cannot make decisions and my mind is just floating somewhere up there unsure of how or where to move. i lost appetite. i drink sweet drinks like an alcoholic and risk my whole body itching, already I’m having scars on my legs. and worst is, my spiritual obligations are challenged, which i cannot let that happen. i know the symptoms already. i need to recharge and revalue my self.

and i have to say i have been ignoring my self care since all the visits i have been receiving and having guests, continuing to do work and of course the major korban event at the mosque and then the bbq, its just too much socialising, i honestly have not spared a thought for myself. so last sunday, honestly, my mind just have what i would say a mental shutdown. for a first time in my life, my work life actually, i just said to myself, i have had it i am not going to work today and i don’t care if I’m breaking any rules because i think i will be more wasted if i really dragged myself to work. i will end up doing nothing and just staring at my laptop, unable to do any work done. i just did.

of course, my rationale would be i came back to work during my off day some days ago. if you don’t seem to understand why i am working on a sunday, its ok, long story.

i am on a three days leave now since yesterday thursday. i got to do my own things, do some alterations to my dresses. sewing is so much hard work but i love the sound of the sewing machine. and the fact that i can sew in straight lines now is a huge achievement. its almost like a therapy too.

cooped up in my condo today with lovely hubby who also needed the time off from work cause he’s been deadly busy. although he is on call and ready to be at his work corner anytime he’s called up, which is about now.

i love this room. i really am. surrounded by my books and seated at my wooden desk. i feel inspired already. i need to update my libib and probably start planning on free library corner ideas I’ve been having lingering in my mind.

grateful for this chance to recuperate. wholly.

perceptual positions

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after much procrastination i finally did perceptual positions.

i procrastinated because, yes i had been busy, but i also do not have the opportunity to do it with always being around people at work and hubby around. so today i happened to take some time off and right now at my PV home. i procrastinated, too, because i was scared of the truth. but doing this perceptual positions is supposed to break whatever belief or perspectives i am currently having and to learn to manage and understand about the other people we are having ‘problem’ with.

so i did. two different persons and on two different issues.

one i had to desperately do because i have been having these bad emotions and vibes towards to and i cannot afford to live this way, i need to clear this self and heart from this bad feelings before it shows in my behaviour or my words and actions towards the person.

and i was surprised. is it possible to feel and finally learnt that the other person had ego and built a wall between us? i felt such closed inner self. like ‘i should not reveal to anyone my feelings and that everything is ok with me’. i felt that need to just close oneself and keep things to the self. and loneliness. it was not a fear but just a feel of unsure and uncertain of how one will face that loneliness.

and i learnt to involve that person. this is truly my home and no one is going to take that away. i am at peace.

the second had a desperate need to control everything, for whatever reasons, just that exhaustion and desperate need. i felt so much tiredness. but i think i learnt a truth and such grievant truth and i found out that forgiveness need to be seek, from specific person to another specific person.

i am at peace. like nothing is pulling me down, i am clear of myself and consciously aware of the difficulty i faced and the other persons. i am able to be true to myself and be sincere to the other persons. it had been a relief, like a whole burden taken off my shoulders.

i am truly glad i learnt nlp and able to use these tools to face my own demons.

Eid 2015

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my eid has been quite spiritual for me this year.

for the first time, at least, i realised for the first time, the takbir gave an emotional effect to me. like i finally understood what it meant and how it felt for Ramadan to end. like i finally understood that i am going to miss Ramadan.

i trained myself for this Ramadan. i had been training my inner self for this Ramadan since last year’s when i realised i didn’t do enough. it had not been perfect but i hoped it is much better than last year. it’s really about setting a goal for myself. for the unconscious mind. it worked.

i fulfilled many nights of terawih, even if it was not 100%, i forced myself to wake up earlier before sahur and performed tahajjud. but it had been quite a challenge work wise. a challenge of hearts and integrity and i felt that was one of the worst challenge i ever had in my years at work. i didn’t come out a victor but i surrendered myself to God. i prayed for His guidance and hoped that i would be at peace. i learnt my lesson.

we are never perfect. but i pray we strive for perfection in His eyes. we are weak. but i pray that He nurtured us towards strength in piety. i pray that one day, i could smile and know that i have fulfilled my duties, as a daughter, as a sister, as a wife…as His servant. amiin.

a comfort from Taha II

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And I have chosen you, so listen to what is revealed [to you].
Indeed, I am Allah . There is no deity except Me, so worship Me and establish prayer for My remembrance.
Indeed, the Hour is coming – I almost conceal it – so that every soul may be recompensed according to that for which it strives. So do not let one avert you from it who does not believe in it and follows his desire, for you [then] would perish.

(Taha:13 – 16)

a night i cried. a night i was nudged. a night i felt touched. a night i know God is listening to my aching heart and gave me comfort.

Go, read it in its original verse, it is beautiful.

reading Paulo

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the thing with reading Paulo Coelho is that, i could consider him as a fave author but i don’t always like or enjoy reading his books. the only, only book of his that i will reread without second thoughts is the Alchemist. i have to say that is his best. i have read the zahir, aleph, Brida, the witch of portobello which comes close to be a fave but there are others, like some of his books that i bought but have not read at all and there are those i wont read at all.

so i bought this Manuscript Found in Accra quite some time ago. as always with some of his books, i bought them first and decide to read them later. much later sometimes. like aleph, i read, i stopped, i read again from the start, stopped again. and only on the third attempt that i could truly appreciate the story.

so i have high hopes for manuscript. i thought it would be like the alchemist. but it was not to be. its just a manual…on life…questions and answers. it feels more like a self help book. i have yet to feel inspired from it. the preface gives an impression it is non fiction. but i can always do a bit of net research about it and find out how non fiction it is. but as i read through the pages, it felt like a typical Paulo Coelho-esque life inspiring questions and answers. it can get boring sometimes. but i know, reading Paulo takes time and sometimes you have to read at the ‘right time right moment’ of your life for them to make sense.

the alchemist made such an impact on me because i was reading it at a time when i was trying to find my identity, searching for knowledge, away from family and it was inspirational. i read the zahir when i felt a bit lost and on the verge of being a lovefool giving up on well, love, whatever that is at the that point of my life. it made sense to me then. i read aleph last year and i understood that journey of purpose and following that purpose and i learn to understand that concept of what or who your are now may be connected to a past life (at that time i was introduced to timeline therapy from nlp) so its like, it made sense. it can happen. although sceptical, it can happen.

yes, reading Paulo have to be at the right time. when you are ready for it. i am trying to read this manuscript found in Accra but i guess i am not ready for it still. maybe i should move on to the next book. or maybe a matching bookmark will help. i love matching bookmarks to books. i am obsessed with it. well, this calls for one bookmark making!

quarter year

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my quarter year resolution:
1. cook better meals for husband (let’s bring out the nigella in me haha)
2. exercise/train as though i am preparing for a kinabalu hike (Everest next time, let’s start ‘small’)
3. follow through the habits

in addition to my:
1. borrow more instead of buying books
2. be less serious

see, i do remember my resolutions.

follow through

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time is going too fast this year. already we are one week away from the third month! the third month of the year already I tell you. I somehow felt we should still be in January now.

I have put my whole heart mind and energy into my job and have some sense of work life balance as well. certain things I need to learn for now after two months of fast going routine.

1) I need to learn to let go. let go and let other people take the lead. because otherwise I am always anxious. learn to have full faith and tawakkal that whenever I am not around, things will go as it should be. it will be OK. I have to believe in it. it is all in the mind really. If I don’t learn to let go and let others lead, I am going to be stressed out and probably get high blood pressure, because that is how I am feeling these weeks.

2) Learn to be less serious. this has a lot to do with controlling how I react to situations. its either I take it positively and take it less personal or I start blaming myself and feel all negative about it. I used to be able to only see the positive sides of things, but being where I am now, I do have to be critical about things sometimes because otherwise we cannot learn. it is all about feedback. but it is also a balance of circle of control and circle of influence. there you go, some nlp and 7 habits practised together.

3) the planner works like….heaven!! I love my weekly planner and it has been my bff ever since. after trying out so many apps on productivity, I knew I am still a paper and pen person. it puts things more in perspective of what I am expected to do, help me to compartmentalise my work, family and personal life. made it more obvious and the magic of writing it down – it is a commitment. thank you Kikki K for just the right kind of journal I needed. it is just the simplicity and its functionality. ‘decorating’ it is not my priority, it’s more of impromptu-ness. some coloured pens and highlighters is all it needs. although i do have the life stickers that come with the journal, some small cute stamps i bought and i finally found a habit tracker that is not an app! its just an added on small piece of paper that i was able to paste at the corner of each week. i love it. everything i need in a journal.

4) i learnt that there’s only so much we can do in a day. the first few weeks of the year, i would be writing down a whole list of tasks i need to do for the DAY, but i realised, at the speed rate of work i am doing, i only managed to cross out a few items and have to bring forward the rest to the next day, to which, i had initially list other tasks. so apart from organizing my workload into days, like Mondays for research like and Tuesdays for paperworks, i decided that i can only achieve to complete three tasks only in a day. 1 major tasks and two additional somewhat minor tasks. because otherwise, i got stuck doing one thing and i cannot move on doing other pending tasks. already my job sometimes take a lot of time such as fee chasing and data records, which requires me to be meticulous. and then i don’t do other stuffs like lesson overviews and lesson planning. so yea, learn to let go (item 1) and accept that i can only do three tasks in a day. not more than that. so far, there has not been an idle day in my weeks now.

5) time is of major important factor in all this planning. and the power of foreseeing how much time you need to do a task or a meeting or whatever it is, is indeed very powerful. i have always trusted my time-thinking instinct and i am going to continue to do that. like when i know i have to chair a meeting, i projected my mind that this meeting is going to take only an hour. an hour it will indeed take. perhaps an extra 15 minutes allowance, but somehow i manage to stick to the time. if i have to attend a meeting, than usually that will take two hours max, so i will plan out my day to work around that two hours meeting and list out tasks which are manageable and doesn’t require much brainstorming or decision making. because after a meeting, depending on its subject at hand, i can get very brain drained. plan your time. it works wonders.

6) it has become a bit more easier to switch from my conscious mind to the unconscious. especially when i have a goal to achieve or something i really need to complete or accomplish. writing it down is the visual aspect of motivation. but the unconscious mind has a bigger role in making it happen. the belief that i can make it happen. it takes a while and some practice but i believe it is better for me now. it gives me that mind-nudge to just do it and follow through. same thing with the teachers when i do my contact time with them. key word. follow through.

7) and that brings me to one last thing. communicate. communicate. communicate. make time to communicate. with the teachers, full time or part time, i need to make that effort to ask how’s it going. because then that is one way to follow through. and i am teaching myself to take any setback or feedback or challenge as a positive thing that makes our worklife more exciting.

if i am down, there is no reason for my teachers to get that vibe and having that heavy hearted and down feeling as well. even if it is a mask, i will try to make myself feel better and see all these as the colours and spices of the worklife.

and my unconscious mind is set on becoming a good wife too this 2015! planning planning planning. and follow through.

embrace, me

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a proper blog this time. after a few simple book reviews and a poem at that. who would have thought. in the middle of the night, i was disturbed by a comment and i came up with a whole poem.

you know how you think you know yourself and anything that is related to your likes and dislikes and perhaps learnt of or heard of something but it sort of takes a while, a long while sometimes, to finally ‘digest’ that information or a word becomes more meaningful in a eureka moment?

well i have been having some these days. realisations and a sudden embrace of an idea, a surprisingly wholesome feeling in my heart and my mind. perhaps, my unconscious mind is awaken more these days. whats with that ‘powerful’ swings of my pendulum, when it used to be only politely telling a yes or a no. i guess it is. practice do makes perfect.

anyway.

bibliophile. i know. its a word i should have read and heard of before. and i did. but only now i feel like i can actually relate to this word. that it suddenly brings a new meaning to me. to describing me. an amateur but you have to start somewhere. my only regret. my twins at st clare’s hardback collection, which my parents bought for me during my enid blyton days, which somehow was either given away or thrown away, well, i found out it costs more than USD100 for the whole set and it can go more if bought as a whole. i suddenly realise books are valuable and their value do increase. i could have been an owner of a ‘priceless’ sets of books. not that i would ever sell them away.

i bought a new paperback sets of my beloved storybooks, and it doesnt feel the same. it doesnt. and i will continue to search for a publication suitable to the beautiful memories i had from reading them and that childhood simple satisfaction from reading. beautiful.

librarian. have i said it before i loved being a librarian once and it will forever be my favourite job? i think i have said them many times before. i guess i have not grew out of it. that idea still lingers. and i will not be surprised if one day i would just take off and find a librarian job. retirement plan at least, for now. i think libraries will stay strong despite the digital world overcoming the printed world. it will last for as long as it could. because there are still millions of booklovers out there.

comparative religion. my first love and always will. 7 years on after reading it in my alma mater, i still find joy reading about religions, finding out new information or relieving them. but also meaning that it is not about learning other religions, it is also deepening my knowledge about my own religion. i mean i knew about this, but its just a hovering in my mind, but now, it means: action. it means there are so many things about my religion that i want to share with others. late bloomer, as always, Seri.

maybe being 30 means finding something deeper within oneself. understanding and awakening who we really are.

i am ready to embrace, me.

An ode to my alter ego

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2015/01/img_7724.jpg

An ode to my alter ego
A character of my fantasy
When fantasy was the only reality
When i was hurt and searching for me
When i was alone and in love
When i was weak and faithful
When i was strong and humble

An ode to this alter ego
A representative when no me was portrayed
An art is someone’s dream
A yearning in my eyes and imagination
An image of near modest beauty and strength
An archer in black beauty
An archer in firm softness
For that was what i was in search for

An ode to my alter ego
For forever being in my image
For forever a picture of me
For being a part of me without a second thought
So ingrained you have become a me

An ode to my alter ego
For it is hard to say goodbye
For somewhere you will be a twin of me
For sometime people do not understand
For the reason of not knowing me at all
But you is me
Just…a picture for me

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Disclaimer: for a long time i tried to search again the graphic artist of this picture. I remembered finding it in deviantart and instantly fell in love with it but the website has since grown and have so much artists and pictures it became impossible. It must have been more than ten years already i had this picture with me. I wanted to thank the graphic artist for this beautiful image and hope he or she continues to dream and create.

Your God’s Love IV

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So this morning i went to work pretty early. and the moment i stepped out of the car, i was greeted with the glowing pure white perfect round with a shadowy effect which is pure nature. with that instant, everything felt right somehow. Pure God’s Love. it was so beautiful. and indeed it is RabiulAwwal. It is Love for the Prophet Muhammad sollu alaihi. born in the month of such beauty. just as how beautiful and pure he might be.

I have never thought to look or admire at the moon before but these days, looking at the sun and the moon, gives that close feeling. gives that awe of how small we are in the whole universe. and How Great and Merciful He is.

i am but a sinner. but with this thought and longing, it reminded me of how we stray so many times and we need these reminders to pull us back. that we need to be in His Mercy. that we need to be within his love. and with this thought and longing, i pray that i could for a minute even, win His Mercy and that i could finally win his love.

Sollu ‘alaihi wa sallimu taslimaa.

IMG_7653

pure and beautiful.