there are times when you need answers, God gave you answers in the most unexpected ways through unexpected people?
please believe in that.

i think i am getting some signs.

No. 1: My husband will always support me about becoming a housewife
No. 2: Out of a sudden, my teacher-mentor smsed me, although we were discussing about something, however, at the mention of her mother being in and out of hospital, my immediate respond was to tell her about my mother and she said she was actually thinking about my mother too. at the end of our conversation, she gave a simple straightforward statement. it brought me close to tears. and till now. i cannot stop thinking about it.

is it enough?

why is it so hard?

so well, womanhood is just getting more real. im still getting over the traumatic moments of some medical checkups whereby for every uncomfortable claims that any woman made is pure pain to me. i am beginning to think that the reason i am not pregnant yet is probably because God knows i may not be able to take in the pain, and so He is sparing me all these trauma. wAllahu a’lam. we are trying and i leave it to Allah Ar-Razzaq and He knows what is best for us. at least, we still have each other.

oh hei, it’s june isn’t it? i did not even realise it and june doesnt mean anything to me because i have many tasks i want to be able to complete before the school reopens. well, except i will get 4 weeks of pure weekends. i applied for off-in-lieus for all my sundays coming back to work and thankfully it was all approved. i am so looking forward to truly spend the weekends with my husband. he deserves this and i owe him big time because he has just been patient with me all these while. my fate for the next 5 months starting July is not sealed yet. i have no idea what is going to happen and i do not want to think for it. i am just compartmentalising my brain and to do things one at a time, think and plan for things one by one and not everything at the same time, because it is going to be crazy.

i am a proud sister to my sisters who have just graduated last week and both gotten a job as soon as they had their convocation ceremony. siti in keppel and nuri in prison HQ. both getting the jobs they pretty much planned for. (even i dont plan properly, heck, i didnt know what i wanted to do back then and that’s why im stuck in this path). i am proud but i am also worried of what they are going to face in this harsh world. and more so the spiritual needs. i have been busy taking care of other people’s children, i barely think about my own siblings. i really dont know what have i been doing all these while. and that brings me to whether i am taking good care of my parents.

you see, my parents have had their days in the hospitals early this year. i felt it was a slap on my face that i have not taken care of them truly. and just recently i made more efforts to visit them and its becoming frequent nowadays. but my father still looks tired nowadays and my mother, she looked worst and being her, she is not taking this well. i want to be there for them, i want to cook for them and make sure they eat properly, i want to accompany them for their checkups, i want them to know i am here for them. and now that three of my siblings are working, except for the youngest, i feel that i could finally ease up on the financial needs and probably this is the time to take care of them.

except that i know, i have so many things i havent do back at work, i feel like no one can do the job im doing, although i dont think i am doing the job perfectly well either myself. so many expectations are dumped on me and i am afraid of letting them down. and maybe i am afraid of failing. i honestly could not fathom what is it that i am actually feeling.

but the crucial question will be, what if i dont do anything now, would i regret it later? would other people care if something happens to me and my family? definitely not, right? i am not a superwoman, and i cannot do everything. but maybe there is a hikmah behind all these and i just need to make a choice. the right choice. because i am feeling time is demanding me to take charge quickly and i am just being too slow.

and this guilt of knowing that i worked too much but not caring enough for my own family, my husband, myself. am i being fair? i can always say and pray that since i am doing so much for a holy place, surely God will take care of my family. but what if working too much means i am neglecting my own responsibility, my initial purpose and then bammm, i got hit on the face real hard only to realise it is too late to do otherwise?

i am now doing whatever i could. for every minute that i act i dont care, i am really thinking hard and my feelings just fighting within….and just maybe my unconscious mind will give me the answer i need.
well, old brain, maybe we need to spend a bit of me time…