contemplating.me

post review: the end of your life book club

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I read it head on without any expectations, except thinking that it was about dying, and half expecting it to be a dread, and yes, blindly thinking it was pure fiction. Little did I know it was about a real person.It is also about love of books. I think that is what attracted me to read it and just couldn’t stop. I was eager to know what books that Will and his late mother would read and talk about next. It is about appreciating literature, learning from them, living the experiences of the authors. It teaches me how to really read books and appreciate them. I was so happy that at the end pages, there was a list of books that were mentioned in the book and quickly decided that there are some which I would like to read myself. Definitely going to be on the to-read list.

And Mary Ann is such an inspiration full stop. like a role model, a dear mother, a dear friend and determined to make a difference. reading on, sometimes I thought to myself, I want to be like her!

and I want to have a book club. although the end of your life bookclub is between a son and a mother, the discussions and reflections they had were very interesting, lively, thought provoking, reflective definitely and it make me want to indulge in those kinds of discussions. reading through it makes me feel like I am part of the book club.

So I have been reading three novels in a row, both about life and death, both about sincere love, care and concern towards the people you love. and this latest one, a lovely memoir if I may say. it is what inspires me. and I love books which inspires me to be a better person. to do something, no matter how little and make a difference.

in the book, much of it was reminisces of mary ann’s work in refugee camps, and I really love her mission to build a library at Afghanistan, I realized, it may just be something I had dreamt of doing. I remembered researching about social work in camps and all, and yes, admiring Angelina jolie for being able to work for and be spokesperson to relief works. it still is something I would like to do if given the chance. but as mary ann puts it, having no chance of not doing is not a reason for doing nothing at all. it may start small from a little donation. and it may move from there.

and maybe someday, I will. so anyone up for a book club??

aspire.inspire

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That which befits us, embosomed in beauty and wonder as we are, is cheerfulness, and courage, and the endeavour to realize our aspirations. Shall not the heart which has received so much, trust the power by which it lives? May it not quit other leadings, and listen to the soul that has guided it so gently, and taught it so much, secure that the future will be worthy of the past?

–Ralph Waldo Emerson

inspired

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there’s a few things I am suddenly inspired to do.

one is to finally go pro with wordpress and probably do something useful out of blogging. I have so many interests and I feel like apart from blogging out of my own interest, I can probably gain by having people gain from it.

another is the sudden inspiration to do a reading project or a movement, or get involved with an organization which has reading as its mission. I found two actually online and I have bookmarked them to learn more about them. I am also thinking what I can do with the mosque as the platform.

and the education unit has to do more than just teaching. that’s for sure. and I must make time and not be tied down by mere paperwork. there must be something we can do. but that’s about work. plenty of time to think and plan properly. I feel like we can do so much more at the mosque. I must be confident of carrying them out. Lord help me.

a brief inspiration

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Sedetik berjema’ah was done out of nowhere. it really just came up at exactly between the azan for Asar and the Iqamah today at work. it was short and simple but it had always been at random impromptu times when proses come to my mind. so that was like in two minutes? after that, when I thought I want to possibly expand the poem, I couldn’t. well, as I say mentioned in a previous post, in proses no less, it came without warning.

Anyway, I have been thinking about this the whole day. I woke up this morning with this urge to write down something like a tribute to my teachers. I know its way past teachers’ day and I’m not always an emotional person when it comes to my teachers. well I have my ups and downs back at school always being the odd one out, neither here nor there, having a hard time to learn to speak up and definitely friend problems. hehe. but right now, my focus are my teachers.

it will be in the next post..

the trainer the participant

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how’ s the week so far? for the record it was not smooth sailing but surprisingly felt a bit more fulfilling. the best part is to be able to give some thought to some pending items. that was really satisfying. i followed as much as possible the blocks of time which i had planned out. i wasnt strictly on it and i have to be conscious and flexible enough to make some adjustments. but for the most part, following that life table helps. a lot.

it had been a tiring two and a half days of teens solat camp. well, generally all of us in the education unit was busy. three of my teachers had to do some teacher training, me and a few of us doing the teens camp pretty much fast pace although its the holidays. but i guess it will all be worth it. and amidst the preparation for the camp, i managed to do those pending things, that was the surprising part. although i had to admit, most of the preparation for the camp were done by my teachers. and they did the facilitation and i come in to take one or two slots and give them the support they needed.  alhamdulillah it went well and i am very happy to see smiling faces at the end of the camp and some determined faces to do better and improve on their prayers.  it was a refreshing part for me too, in the knowledge sense and so many reminders to myself personally. subhanallah. all tiredness just disappeared at the end of the camp. i pray all the students who came and participated very well in this camp learnt something. Oh Allah, please guide these children. they need Your love and guidance to lead their busy life. oh Allah, please help them. help me too. You are the best Guider, the Most Merciful, Most gracious, guide us all to the straight path. amiin.

quite emotional actually going through this camp. i am as good a participant as well as a trainer. me and my teachers, we learnt from each other which is so valuable.

telling myself to keep Moving On works well with this mind also. ok one more week. let’s do better!

listen

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Subhanallah.

I need to note this down because it is part of this search for myself phase that i am going through.

This morning i picked up the Qur’an. Used to be normal for me but i had to pick up this habit back again after quite awhile. And you know how i have been struggling with this mission:me and all these choices and fights i had between me and…me. So when i opened the book, taking where i left off, and subhanallah. The verse which came to me like a slap on my face. I do not know why and which part of my life but at that instant moment, it was like a wake up call to me. The beauty of the qur’an.

I have always believed in making connections with the AlQuran and always believed in finding answers from it. Always. I thought i have lost that connection but Alhamdulillah, that realisation hits me, that Allah still guides me. This weak servant still receives His mercy.

And the verse…well, that was me.. In times of need, i call up to Him and i will not deny that when i am happy and when things are ok..shameless. Whenever work was bad i asked Him to give me answers and tell me what to do but now i know…why do i seek Him only in times of need? When there are people out there in constant prayings and hoping to be in His mercy…we ask for this and that but we forget the blessings and the ni’mah already in front of us. I want all the goodness in life but i couldnt even give Him five minutes of my time in true prayer. Well, just last week the mufti was talking about the challenge to be khusyu’ in prayers. I wanted so much from God but i couldnt be what i am suppose to be. A humble servant. I feel like i have been doing it wrong all this while. The AlQuran is always like that. You can be reading it khatamulquran so many times but at just the right time and the right need, it just appears to you clearly and knock you on the head. Subhanallah.

Tell me, how many times have you read the verse:
“And when men is affliected by pain, he calls his Lord turning to Him passionately. Thereafter, when He blesses him with some favour from Him, he forgets that for which he was calling Him earlier….Can such people be equal to the one who worships during the hours of night, prostrating himself and standing, fearing the Hereafter and having hopes in his Lord’s mercy? Say can those who know and those who do not know become equal? It is only the people of understanding who receives the advice.” Az-zumar 8-9

And then He comforts me with the next ayat: “Say: o My sevants who believe, fear your Lord. Those who do good deeds in this world will have a good return and the earth of Allah is wide. Certainly those who observe patience will be given their reward in full without measure.” Az-zumar 10

When i came to that, i just had to stop and think about whatever that is going on in my life. Just few days back i was blogging and asking whether i gained rewards for serving the mosque and leaving my husband alone at home and ignoring my family altogether. How can i even question myself??!
Patience seri. Patience. This is the challenge the test that He gave me and i should be truly gratified because this challenge is nothing compared to some many people out there with real difficulties.

And then i was in dilemma of whether to continue doing this and get something else that pays more and then i realise again, patience seri. I have so many things i want to do and pursue. But i need to embrace what is already in front of me and do what is best because His rizq is wide. My time will come. And i will find time. Slowly but surely insya Allah.

He will guide me and my loves.

You know i remember there was a point in my life that i really stop finding and waiting. I really gave my full trust in Him that He knows what is best for me. I just stop looking. I saw people around me getting married one by one or having partners but i just stop having any emotional inclinations. I was going to do what is best for me at that time and it was an employment and making my family happy. I concentrated on that. And then Suhaimi came into the picture. I didnt realise it back then but true, it was that trust and tawakkal if i can put it that way. I didnt ask for love, it came to me. With flaws and all. But it worked. And nothing happened unless He wants it.

The point is. I return to that position. That giving wholly my destiny in life to Him. That true understanding of Him guiding me in this. I feel like tearing putting these thoughts here because i feel like i found my old self.

But its hard work. This journey will continue in contemplation.

One lesson in life at a time.

Thank You.

keep moving on

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i realised one thing about myself this week. it is to keep moving on. keep following through with whatever i had planned to do. follow through with the lifetable i did for myself. just keep moving. because what i noted down in my lifetable included all parts of my life, spiritual, mental, workwise, hobbies and love. except true that hobbies and loves makes up the most time and sometimes juggled between one another. i cannot say i do not have enough rest time because i am making a point to sleep at one timing and wake up at the same timing.

that took a while to understand. i had been doing a sleep cycle observation on my self. i need to sleep by 11. or 11.30 max and always found myself waking up at the sound of the subuh azan which i put on alert from my phone. and it was a good wake up (although not always, still trying to find out what will make me have a good well rested sleep and what doesnt). a deep sleep is all i need which i dont always get. it also means i need 7 hours of sleep to function. or else i wake up feeling like a zombie and take half the day just to perk myself up. recently i am trying to trick my brain and trigger sleepyhead. read a book in bed means sleep. but honestly, sometimes i still toss and turn and ended up playing candy crush or surf aimlessly in singsale or groupon or deal.com to lull me to sleep. and it did help sometimes. you know how your body just went limp and you drop whatever it is you are holding falling asleep.

anyway knowing about yourself is always a work in progress. just few days back the news were on to singaporeans being not having enough sleep. i feel i am not alone ! hehe. but i am determined to make right about this sleeping because it is after all a ni’mah God has given us. sleep well wake up feeling better lead your life smarter and healthier and focus better in your spiritual routine.

back to trying to understand about myself. its the moving on momentum. from one task to another. the brain works better it seems. but a qailullah or a power nap helps in desperate times. when i am so tired doing something, take a break like a drink or watch tv for a few minutes but then continue with the next task.  it is a trick to train the mind and body and dismiss the word lazy from the life dictionary. it is still a trial and error thing for me as of now. but i would like to see how it works.

anyway. this first week of june will be the first full week i am going to use my lifetable. although i planned to take off in lieu tomorrow, i am kind of excited to see how life will turn out tomorrow. i may just take half a day and see how it goes. oh, monday is a lunch out day. 🙂 and relax night afterwork because the other days of the week will be ‘full’ of projects. (which i had procrastinated or did not find time doing or just plain tired).

very apt for 30 hari mencari diri. insya Allah.

remember keyword: just keep moving.

life in a table

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who would have thought. a timetable is all i needed to turn my life around? well not so much a major makeover of life, just to make sense of life, my everyday routine. to find purpose in this life.

i have always been a pen and paper person. i have tried so many free calendar and productivity apps in my iphone or my ipad but in the end, writing them down gives me full sense and satisfaction. (and really really tempted to get that Kikki stationery!) that finally i can really see what have i been doing, what i wanted to do and never gotten round to do it and how to fit in all he things i love doing in 24/7! and i realised how much work i have to do and not done just because i cant fix my time correctly. all the bits and pieces jumbled up and i dont know where to start and you know how you kind of have a worker’s block (something like writer’s block). pretty much my time is all filled up that i almost thought i wont have time for my candy crush! hehe.

what made me do up a timetable? because i really wanted to make a change, and improvement in me and making sure that turning 30 is worth it. and little did i know, once i see my life as it is in words, makes it more fulfilling. and 7 habits workshop doesnt go to waste because of all things, i ended up writing down my tasks in this forgotten 7 habits notebook i got in a workshop few years back.

so i see myself in blocks of time within the day in a week. from morning to late night. put in everything i have done and wanted to do in pockets of time. just everything i can think of about my work, all noted down.

heaved a sigh of relief and i just hope this can last for long. because for this week, i can see i work better nowadays. even in the morning! haha. although the exercise bit takes a bit more time to restart.  but so far…hope this works.

day nil: restart

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i am really feeling the challenge of going through this contemplating me:mission. with all that is happening and my days all haywire, i just pushed all these thoughts and ideas away. it went right through the hole in my mind. forgotten.

last weekend was a short holiday for most people but it wasnt for me. in fact i worked extra long hours for two out of the three days.i dont know if leaving my husband alone at home and not doing my simple responsibility  as a wife, but instead spending two whole days at the mosque and coming back late from work, i dont know whether i am gaining rewards or otherwise?? he let me go, he send, bought breakfast and then he fetched me, he keeps quiet about it, he doesnt eat properly when i am not home and only had dinner when im home… so i really dont know if i get rewards for serving the mosque but leaving my husband home. and not forgetting almost ignoring my parents and siblings altogether. and that family outings were planned according to my time instead of the majority and when things dont go as I planned, i got mad at them.

this is my challenge. or better termed as dugaan in malay.

i used to think my life was quite smooth going, and that things are going fine but i realised it is not. this is my obstacle in life, a challenge a choice which i i find myself always fighting. i still am. inner and outer. everything my mind my body my soul. and unless i make that ultimate choice can i embrace the true me.

and honestly, i am very worried about my physical self. my closest friend advised m to go for a check up, she even gave me her doctor’s contact and i cant even bother to pick up the phone and make a checkup, alasan being i dont have time. it frustrates me.

i do not like having to choose between work and family, but most of the time, i feel my self screaming angrily at me, not knowing whether i make the right choice or not. it has to be a conscious and willing choice. not forced or just because i have to. this needs some thinking.

turning 30 is about knowing what you are and your purpose. i thought i found my passion and i know what i like doing. i know what i want to pursue. in truth, i have many things i know i can do and want to do.

my limitations was confidence and my intelligence. my weakness was once i feel im not good enough, i fell into a black hole and shut myself up. the problem is, i should not feel that i am not good enough because it limits my potential, my thought process and my productivity.

Lord help me.

day 2: fail

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the first day of mencari diri…it started out good, the morning was well spent as planned.

but day 2 was a disappointment. i dont know what happened. but i couldnt follow through. everything was messed up. work was crazy. and it had been these days, whats with family day, checking up logbook remarks. totally messed up and too many things to catch up.

and i am now still busy doing work, lesson planning. yes i still do lesson planning. and then people bugged me with stupid questions. just go through the overview lah.why ask again. macam tolonglah, kenapa tanya kalau benda dah ada depan mata? expect me to remember everything is it? just check the overview lah. ok, there goes. not what i want to achieve in this mission of finding myself.

and the temptation of materials. stop even the idea of owning any. not good at all. dont compare myself with others.

spiritual wise, fail. i wanted to do more than usual. i couldnt and i didnt. shame on me.