make.your.self

About myself, my characters, my attitudes, my likings and what i discover about myself.

purge

/ livingseri / Leave a comment

i have been on a ‘purge’. in a way.

for the past month, i have been feeling like i am burdened with so many materials, guilty of spending without purpose and just frustrated with the thought that i might keep buying but really I’ve only been using the same old few because simply i really love them. and then wondering when the toots i am going to wear or use the rest.

and so i guess age does it, you know you start to know what type of clothes you’re comfortable with, the design perhaps, the material especially, the colours. and for our case, shawls upon shawls. sometimes i hate myself for buying and then realising i don’t really like the colour or the material or the length. you somehow become fussy, but really, it’s just being practical with who i am and what i want to wear.

i can safely say i have stopped buying (too many) shawls from certain ‘brands’ because let’s face it, how many shawls does one really need?? i honestly ended up using the same few. so i have this three tier ikea plastic drawer, and i have sworn to myself that since the drawers are filled to the brim, i really don’t need anymore. so let’s just wear them till whenever that is, perhaps the colour fades or burnt at the iron. and im keeping the drawer as the benchmark, really. should probably be able to last for the next two- three years i would say.

so i went through a mountain of it, and gave away a whole lot (some sold at TheLuggageMarket). in fact i think i can give away some more. and believe me, they are all in good condition. but that’s another day.

then i move on to the clothes. pants and blouses and dresses. same thing, go through everything to find those i really wear. sold some and sent to the recycling. and it’s a good thing that there’s always collection of used clothes and items done by a recycle company for donation purpose. so we just pack them all, put aside and they will collect it right from our doorstep.

and it’s a relief to see the wardrobe actually having a lot of space after all that sorting. husband’s too did not escape my adrenaline. took out all his unused shirts and put them in a box that we can stow away on top of our wardrobe. he has attachment issues, i don’t. what i don’t like i don’t keep. he takes awhile to decide. that’s it i keep them for him. but it’s good measure because his unused shirts will turn out to be what i wear at home. so im good and clothed and that will last for the next few years haha.

clear my bags. same procedure.

and the best one: i finally had the time to rearrange my books! decided to arrange and separate the ones i have read and those i haven’t (or haven’t finish reading or newly bought). and my, wasn’t i in for a big surprise?! only 1/4 of the books on these shelves are read!! i totally slumped. staring at them books. like i’m sorry i have not read you guys. and i promise. i promise i will reach out to you first before i even think of buying any. because here. here is my loves. and so yea, the books could last me for the next few years, depending on how fast i can read them all. a couple of them was sent (for a new lease of love and hope, i hope, by someone else who would read and love them) to a cause called Books Beyond Borders. i have been following them on their IG for a while and always thought its a good initiative, to support education in Nepal. i mean they don’t bring the books there by are reselling them to support their cause. im so glad i finally have the chance to donate some books.

and then what else did i do?

oh yeah, went through my stationery and crafts items too. so sad that i haven’t really have the time to indulge in my hobbies. i hope i can some time soon. but for now, i cleared out many of the items. a lot of it i gave to friends who do crafts as well, gave to the mosque edu unit and to the youth group coz they like to decorate their noticeboard, so it will be just the right things to use for that. i haven’t even go through my stickers and journal items yet. one good thing was i have not been buying any crafts items for the past year, except for the time i did a photo collage for my nephew’s one year birthday.

i am just truly satisfied i manage to clear them. clear of mind as well, as they say. feels nice to see some space in these four walls and realising that i have enough, more than enough. alhamdulillah. im settled actually. i really don’t need to spend anymore for the time being.

apart from this cleaning purge, i also unsubscribe to many mailing lists, unfollow brands (i mean nothing to lose here anyway, they keep their ig public so yea, if i think i need to browse to make myself sleepy, i could still go to theirs).

i go through my photos and delete those that doesn’t contribute to memory lane. i go through my contacts list, friends list, whatsapp groups, my emails and delete hundreds of whatever.

its a new decade, my age is catching up. let’s be realistic of what life has ahead and not material gains and be tied down with virtual demands.

hope this works well for 2020 onwards.

borrowed life

/ livingseri / Leave a comment

Today I am allowed to complete another full year of life and add another day to a new lease of life.
I hope I have lead this life well thus far.
I hope that I have fulfilled some milestones in the three decades of borrowed living.

1988 – Kindergarten at 5 years old exactly thirty years ago

1990 – Primary One at one of the best madrasahs. sweet and not so sweet memories. some remembered some forgotten. some in broken pieces of memory reel. some stamped in memory perhaps emotionally impacted.

2001 – Graduated finally after twelve long years of basic education. Nothing fantastic a student I was, but barely survived with good mentions, I hoped. The fact that some of my teachers could remember and called me by my full name, I must have been a small part of their good teaching diaries, meagre as compared to other stellar classmates.
But hey, I survived.

2003 – Who would have thought or dreamt that I could stepped to a university. seriously. no one thought I would. but somehow I made it. away from family for the first time, remembered crying myself to sleep because my loved ones felt so far away. I was 20, lol. could have been more stronger than that!
3 years of amazing life of learning and hardships and friendships that last. memories we wouldn’t trade for anything.


2008 – And so it begins. adulting, as they call it nowadays. and for the rest of our lives that is. those, another day, another story to tell.


2010 – Marriage. Who would have thought that?! I didn’t for sure. We didn’t look for each other. We came into each other’s lives by coincidence, not us, but our elders. but with a heartbeat he took me under his wings, care and love for me, made me feel safe and complete. without a worry in the world. I hope I have cared and loved you as much. and to love and care for one another for the rest of our lives.


2019 – Still here. Alhamdulillah.

there may be more that one can wish to accomplish. perhaps an inkling to achieve something worthy. to make life worthwhile and meaningful. we are all made for bigger things. I think I am. but everything at its own right time.

I pray for love, health and strength to persevere. faith, deep full faith. and trust in Him and His decree.

the age of craziness

/ livingseri / Leave a comment

i picked this book out of nowhere. i probably seen it in some bookstagram account and thought the title sounds interesting. i had no expectations because i have never read karen thompson walker. and then i also came across the dreamers by the same author, i ended up borrowing both books. i realised i had marked it as ‘to read’ back in 2014!

i liked it when i first started reading it, and then a bit bored when i realised that perhaps this book is a young adult fiction (??), the protagonist is a twelve year old girl..and the story starts to feel repetitive. i turned on speed reading and skimmed through.

it really is the end of days kind of book..but through a ‘slowing’ and the eyes of a child. the struggle of living teenage confusion even in desperate times… it dreads and dragged a bit. picked up momentum somewhere towards the ending chapters. but then again, i felt oh lord, this could be how the end of days ‘look’ like. and then i shuddered. the author specifically mentioned

one day we heard a strange sound in the sky: a crinkling, a tearing, like cellophane rustling in the wind. it came from every direction….it was heard – some say felt….nothing was seen. whatever swirled in the atmosphere that day was invisible to human eyes

Chapter 30, The Age of Miracles, Karen Thompson Walker

i mean, girl, what is that? are you describing sangkakala?

sheeshh.

so i was trying to start borrowing books again, so i could maybe stop this crazy urge to keep on buying books. (saying this!!! after perhaps spending $300 on books from Times, Wardahbooks and Kinokuniya…yes in that order). in my defence, i deserved to spend on books because i was going through some triggered black mood and empathically impaired because i felt wronged and wanted to be selfish because in my narrowed mind, people are being selfish. did it make me happy? no. it didn’t. i feel sick.

is there a name for this disease?!

***

but then somehow, i downloaded the NLB app, which allows us to search for, find its availability and reserve, if deem to. and i found out (noob!) i can borrow and read ebooks! therefore, i may have suddenly discover the joy of reading ebooks (not having to bring sometimes heavy books around) and the convenience of reading news from the ST app (i mean i always feel i have not enough time to read the papers). ahh…the world in my hand…

i contemplated a kindle out of this new discovery, but decided against it… nope not yet…no shopping…

samsung galaxy note has really turned me into a smartphone geek. maybe audiobook soon. (yup, you can borrow audiobooks from NLB too!)

***

half year already people. be strong. have faith. persevere…..i feel like i have not done much. and i am running to capture as many tasks as possible. three months honeymoon passed. pretty ok but nothing significant. my days are counted here. on the other hand, i am looking forward for classes already. i worry i could go back to writing and reading slump if given ‘rest’ too long. this brain needs some serious exercise already!

meaning

/ livingseri / Leave a comment

We had the experience but missed the meaning

And approach to the meaning restores the experience in a different form

– T.S.Eliot

i was reading. as part of the subject i was taking this semester. everything was so apt. supervisory leadership and curriculum design. what more could i want or get. perhaps one day, i will see how all this leads me to one path. its beautiful. really.

the moment is getting nearer. i have been telling myself that i will not cry because this is not goodbye. ironically i began to conjure projects that i could do for, now that i am no longer tied to daily expectations and routined tasks. but i must also remember that my role now, in the next few days, is to complement and support the headquarters office, and i strive to do the best i can. as i have always will.

and i must remember to step back a bit and focus on what matters most. i have to manage this adrenaline that i have when working and allow my self to sit, think and reflect. and also give more to love than be at the receiving end.

and then i realised that it all match. i was searching. for meaning. always feel like i want and i could do more, but felt drained and pushed back. i wished i could have been better. i wished i had done more in mentoring, in leading, in teaching.

and then He allows me to move away. perhaps for awhile. for me to find meaning again. i pray i am not lost in this search. that i stay clear in fully knowing why i am where i am and tread on wisely.

a student again

/ livingseri / Leave a comment

this is it.

you know how when we were younger, perhaps back when teenage hood has gotten the better of us and we start to dream and write goals or aims. or simply what we want to be when-we-grow-up. I’m not really that kind of person. i never knew what i wanted to be. it swayed from being a:

i. police officer (although i know i would chicken out at the sight of blood…already medicine line is nowhere touchable)

ii. teacher (probably what everyone wanted to be at that time especially when you admire a teacher, but i don’t know what i will be teaching because i don’t excel in any particular subject especially not Arabic although that would have been cool if i had mastered it back then)

iii. a writer because i did enjoy writing. for every teenage angst, there’s always that period of writing poems as a form-to-express-yourself. i remembered having exercise books writing ‘novels’ of unrequited love. lol.

and then somewhere along that period of uncertainty, i did part time at a community library and that was love love love. absolutely. i think i enjoyed work more than school then. and for the longest time now, when work became too overwhelming, i sometimes wonder why don’t i just go back to be surrounded by shelves and books.

perhaps. if i had been simple minded and wasn’t thinking of getting a degree, i would have been a librarian. and perhaps life would be very different now.

then the term ‘comparative religion’ caught my eye. i didn’t know when or how it happened. it was just that, maybe, i started to hear my seniors back then flying off to study and you got inspired and say wow!! cool!! go to Uni! and this utopian world called International Islamic University Malaysia seems to be THE place to go. destiny seemed to have paved some way for this i-don’t-know-what-i-want-to-be me. i almost decided, then, to be a comparative religion expert, maybe go all the way take masters and even PhD. be an academician, a researcher, anything to continue to indulge in my second love. i loved the world of reading, of finding out the unknown, of writing and making sense of my thoughts, of trying to understand why people believe.

enough reminisce. i succeed. i graduated. i was grateful for being had the chance to experience one of the most memorable 3 years of my otherwise normal introvert life. i went to work. (although that was another story to tell…) and then continued to work, doing perhaps item i, ii & iii thrown in altogether, if you think about it.

but nothing to do with my two loves. except i always known that i want to continue studying.

so while at a crossroads, and searching for my self (it’s a thirties thing—> turning.30) and what is it i want to do with life, when i think life is not going my way and why do i burdened myself with other people’s expectations. i somehow made myself submit an application to do Masters.

the first time i submitted, i got accepted. it was a nice surprise. but then i got sidetracked by the fees and thought i was not ready to do it. i did not accept the offer. although comforted in the knowledge that i am still qualified to do a Masters study.

the second time i submitted. i was not sure they would accept me. i leave it to Him. and that big orange envelope came again. i told myself i had to accept this. surely they will not accept me if i rejected this again and then submit another application the next year or something. it is now or never. just dive in and do it already! just do it for myself! after 11 years of slogging, take it as ‘rewarding’ myself! just do it and think of the consequences later. i am financially fine. i took that as a sign.

this is it. i am happy to call myself a STUDENT again.

a MASTERS student. in a third love – education.

who knew dreams could continue after 11 years?

ps: to commemorate this, i created another category for my masters journey. as per ‘tradition,’ it’s usually the song titles from fave bands. some of these had been from Muse, The Used, Finch.

<guiding.light> by Muse. welcome to Seri Studying Again.

how did it go 2018?

/ livingseri / Leave a comment

i exercised well. got 10k steps for 5 days in a week, which is a lot of achievement to my standard.

i realised and devised some sort of strategy to be able to get 10K. Wore my fitbit all the time. and every step counts. from morning when i need to do some mini chores before work. i stop scooting and chose to go to work to and from work. chose the stairs instead of the elevators. i make sure i moved around at work.

by the time i reach home, i need to cover maybe about 3-4k more steps. and i found a teambodyproject cardio videos and somehow, of all the exercise videos i have tried, i enjoyed their more. and i have been doing them for two weeks now.

so physically, i pretty much had it figured out. and i am really happy for me. the sweats give me satisfaction. haha. but the knee is still painful but i have to persevere.

i used to put a specific time for specific habit. but one year on in 2017, its a bit hard for me somehow. laziness sometimes take over. other things took my time away. i realised then that for me, i just need to lock that idea of doing a habit in my mind every day, and no matter when i do it, i know at the end of the day, i should have done it. it’s quite liberating actually, having it this way.
it’s quite easy then. every morning, woke up, have a quick reel of all the habits i need to do, stood up and then move on from there.

and now instead of having a long list of habits i need to tick every day. i grouped them into three or four items.

the cool plan – achieve 10K steps, do exercise or cardio now, limit sweet drinks
the faith plan – all my zikirs and do’as and Qur’an readings
the joy plan – reading, do journaling, blogging, netflix whatever is is to stay sane and destress
save – this one had to be a simple easy term – i just need to save = no shopping

and that’s it. does not look too much and heavy. Although i appreciated doing that long list in 2017, because now my brain knows what it means and requires to achieve the deeds above.

now i have to figure out the faith plan on how it all can make sense for me.

towards happiness.

34th Syawal

/ livingseri / Leave a comment

i turned a year older in the islamic calendar every 3rd Syawal.

i have to say its been melancholic and bitter sweet this year. i absolutely have no desire to go visiting or receive guests. i only feel all the exhaustion of ramadan starting to sink in and all i need is some quiet time to recharge. i have already given up of having to rush everytime first day of syawal and that inner fight of having to prioritise one family over my own. always having to give in. so if Ramadan is exhausting, Syawal is excruciatingly painful.

but i think i am having that today. a day of just me in this room. although the construction donwstairs and the short moments of having a fire at a neighbouring flat create some excitement and noise that you learnt to block out.

i have been a very sad person this year. i really is. so pardon me if this post is going to be some dreadful and boring post, if anyone is actually reading.

i feel like i lost some spark. i lost interest in work. i feel im not good enough. i feel tired all the time but i have to say its not physically tired, but emotionally, mentally and perhaps, even spiritually draining. i tried to overcome. it gets better and then it goes down again. its like my life graph goes up and down, up and down in steep curves. but i guess it is slowly getting better, i hope.

because life needs to move on and i hate feeling down. it gets better after a recharge. reading, just keeping quiet from the world, isolate myself a bit, because people bring pain.

i hope i can relive the spark, the purpose from what i am doing. perhaps find something that will excite me again. give me a sense of importance, a sense of being. i did timeline therapies and seemed to help. or maybe just a quiet time will do. and i am really appreciating every moment of it because once i start work, it will be nonstop.

Allah please help me. as You always do. as You always have. because this job is not for me to own. please guide me if whatever decisions i have to do. please guide me if it is for the best, for me, for my family, for the community. if it is not, please make it easy for me to leave it. Amiin.

perhaps, someday, i will find true happiness, significance and sincereness in what i am doing.

two third struggle

/ livingseri / Leave a comment

its two third of ramadan.

i have not managed to pray tarawih since. but i managed to keep up with tahajjud for many days now. that is the only consolation, if i can say so. my nights, rather, were filled up with looking after children in the activity room we provided for this ramadan.

it’s very tiring. especially on days when i came in at normal working hours, helped with iftar preparations, and right after maghrib, i will have to get ready at the classroom dedicated for the children. and then when i finally wrapped things up, usually about at abot 10.30pm, i scoot back home, clear up the kitchen and prepare something for sahur, before hitting the shower and devote an hour for tahajjud and Qur’an reading.

i had a day or two iftaring at home but most days hubby will be alone. and on these one two days, i don’t feel guilt but i do worry about the activity room. like i know there are one or two volunteers who will be there but i may worry if they could handle it.

i try to do what i can do as much as i can, for the mosque. but i honestly dont have the same energy i would have say, maybe 5 years ago? i feel tired and burdened most days. especially on ramadan. because i try so hard to serve the mosque and not neglect the family too. it has been a constant battle every year. but i guess i am already numbed to the battle and its just do-what-i-can and pray-Allah-accepts whatever i did. not for comparing, not for people to say i stayed more than others, not for anything. it’s a constant reminder of doing things liLlahi ta’ala. it’s not easy though when you are fighting demons and people’s expectations and comparison. but i have learnt to erase them thoughts.

i think this time around, as mentioned before, it really is about me. im trying to bring back the flame that was lost. im trying to slow down and find me. do i still love what i’m doing? why do i feel like im not progressing and stuck in a rut somewhere, not able to move on, not able to feel success and feel like im a failure all the time.

but perhaps tonight is where it ends.

your many lifetimes

/ livingseri / Leave a comment

after a couple of years contemplating and fighting with the demons, or maybe for the lack of a better word, procrastinating. I had the desperate need to do the timeline therapy which i had learnt sometime in 2014. I do not know why. I think it was just the self wasnt ready to find the truth? to face the truth? and if i don’t face it, i cannot move on. literally move on.

for many days, i relooked into my nlp textbooks, trying to recall and rereading the dialogues, went through legit youtube videos on it. i always had trouble visualizing the timeline where you had to float back and up to the past and back again to the future. and i realized its really is trusting your unconscious mind to do the ‘job’. i still remember asking my trainer how do i ‘imagine’ it going back and forth and it was really because i think too much, she said literally that, don’t think too much. and then i asked myself how do i separate the thinking from the unconscious?! there’s really no need to ask.

but i did ‘train’ myself to find that unconscious zone doing countless practising with my pendulum.

and then just one night, after doing revision, i felt this is it, i have to do it now. release the emotions. pictured my trainers in my mind, like asking permission, and ‘just do it’. i had released anger during my training, but somehow, i thought i could do it again and then move on to sadness, fear, hurt, guilt. did the anger few times though, because i wasnt sure i was doing it right. doing on your own anyway, so i was like closing my eyes and then relooking at the dialogues, but it can be done. with eyes open, yes it can. its not the vision we are looking for, its the unconscious. somewhere between practices, i think im doing it all wrong. again, the thinking. but once i got the ‘flow’ i was sure of doing it. and really, for being not ‘thinking too much’ during the whole process, my unconscious ‘helped’ me move and put me where i am supposed to be, i am a visual person and its always i need to see it or picture it right with the details, but i let go and the ‘pictures’ were not perfect, but it was shaped by the UM and i just follow it.

the answers or memories i received were ‘weird’ it doesnt make sense really, and even now, i may not be able to describe them to you what i saw, and also made that ‘mistake’ of not writing them down after every timeline because i was from one emotion to another as i didnt want to lose that unconscious authority i was having at the moment.

but briefly, the anger brought me to a different time from when i had that anger released the first time, i do not know whether that can happen. i had a different lifetime when i first tried it, but this time around i was brought to a childhood time, different types of anger, maybe? but i did remember that moment clearly. very clear.

there was one within two months in the womb for sadness, and how do you picture yourself in the womb then? i didnt, my unconscious gave me a picture of my younger mom feeling sad and i knew i wasnt allowed to question what’s happening at this point of time but what is it foetus me were going through. when i came back to the now, i had the urge to ask my mother what happened then, but i didnt because what i learned then it was an emotion i shared with my mom through our umbilical cord on whatever she is facing at that moment, it wasnt mine. it was hers, perhaps too personal for her too. maybe one day a story might revealed from her. i got to trust my UM.

fear brought to a 3 lifetime and it was a ghostly experience. i was like s*** why did this happened? i cant face it man! but i learnt it was not something i could control eh. actually felt the hairs standing a bit in that situation. i was like s*** get this over with. Trust Allah. it get spiritual ayy.. quickly came back. i had to phewwww that moment out. please know i was doing all this at night, i was alone in a different room, hubby was sleeping already. but there was no more fear. still it doesnt mean im cocky and smug now. they exist that’s all.

hurt was hurtful. it was lifetimes away, i was hurt in an abusive manner. how? i dont know. i cant see who hurt me, but i saw a me lying crying full of hurt. wow. i came back feeling a bit numb, but it was not to find answers, lifetimes away. i just touched my heart and comforting myself. but i learnt that hurt feeling was the one thing i wasnt able to face. i was fearful of getting hurt. it had always been at the back of my mind. perhaps with the release of fear, i was able to face that hurt.

had to break state like really break state. took a drink read a book before moving on to guilt.

guilt was hard. it wasnt difficult to find that emotion, it was what i had been feeling for so long now. and the past, there were many guilts along the way, i kept on floating further back to the past. i couldnt picture them all. but the final pic was pretty clear to me. i was walking away leaving someone behind and there was so much guilt there. i dont why or who of course, i was just surrounded by trees and remembering just standing there in the middle of ‘nowhere’ saying over and over again ‘im sorry i had to go’, couldnt even begin to look back to who it was i was leaving. the emotion was there. not looking back was the trigger. but i told this me, the learning process, i did what i think was right at that moment and that person might had let you go. i had that small inkling it was to save that person, whoever i was leaving. cant change the past. it happened.

break state. test state.

it was exhausting. i just sat here reviewing all that i went through. or rather the me of different lifetimes whoever me was then. just sliding back in my seat. staring into space for awhile. saying thank me UM. and wondering why didnt i do this much earlier. really Seri.

but i had one the most sound sleep i had that night. woke up feeling light. i can face anything. there’s so much hardwork and difficult times, but i know i can face it and face the consequences if there is, with an open heart. there’s no heavy feeling. just monitor the emotions from now on. and heal me. but it wasnt dreading. it was uplifting.

i guess i did alright with the timeline.

Eid 2016

/ livingseri / Leave a comment

Alhamdulillah. we meet Eid again.

quite honestly, i am not the type to look forward to Eids so much. the feeling is more mild and void of the tranquility we had in ramadan. of course, the first day of Eid is a symbol of success after going through the fasting month. but really, my eid is up to solat eid. after that, the feeling slows down and going through the motion of visiting. as always, i had to rush.

but oh well, all is fine. i am just glad that i have the week to have some recuperating apart from the visiting.

the one difference and excitement i had this year was the sudden crafting urge to make flower arrangements and finally had the opportunity to just go for it and do it. perhaps i may have went overboard about it. i spent close to 300$ on the flowers from bazaar, some tools from spotlight and the vases from ikea. but i am happy. and i am quite surprised that i have some talent in it! initially it was out of need to give some colour to my PV house. but turned out, i have awesome skills and eye for it. i am glad i did it. i absolutely loved and enjoyed the whole process of arranging the flowers. i couldnt stop looking at them!

IMG_1402

i also arranged some for my mom and sisters and for HC home. i am on a roll. i don’t mind pursuing this. arranging the flowers are almost therapeutic, just as i had with my scrapbooking and bookmarks. i loved it.

and i hope to make it a yearly thing. maybe it can be gifts that i can give to relatives for raya. i can take this time to make it as a serious hobby to learn the trades and one day, it can benefit others too. i posted the pics on fb and ig and i was surprised that many people approved of it. maybe next time it can be a sideline, i could learn about fresh flowers and more. could be just one of the skills that i can be proud of.

well i guess that is the highlight of my eid.