2015.
Thankful.
Love.
Gratitude.
Hardships.
Test.
Patience
2016.
Future.
Uncertain.
Persevere.
Consistent.
Be.
make.your.self
About myself, my characters, my attitudes, my likings and what i discover about myself.
ready to be me
appreciating this one week holiday even though me and hubby are not going anywhere. seriously, everyone are going somewhere globetrotting. we’ll just be a tourist in our own country and staycationing at our ‘resort’ home. hehe.
the past weekend had been fulfilling with time wellspent with both sides of the family. we watched star wars movie with my brother and father. and then a trip to the super crowded gardens by the bay in the evening. pretty with lights and a carnival going around, enjoyed the satay and i just love the walking. i had been thinking of doing more walking as part of this healthy routine i am doing and finally had it. according to sil who tracked steps with her phone, we pretty much walked about 10k steps. not bad huh.
sunday was a day spent with my sister and mother. my little sister siti is no longer little and believe it or not, she is getting engaged this January! so we went to find her a nice outfit for the event. she is such a simple and practical girl, i am proud of her. will be going to jb tomorrow to check out some things she had in mind.
i finally managed to come up with a personal mission statement. it took very long alright. i had been reading the 7 habits book and i practically stopped reading at the personal mission statement part. i know i have to write down something before i could move on. i have to say it took almost a year to perfect it i started reading 7 habits somewhere last year, mind you. and now i have the personal mission statement written everywhere. in all of my planner diaries and journals. and writing them down makes conviction and a commitment. i hope i can persevere.
i am ready to be me. to be. me.
return to the pen
i am now your ‘certified’ journal writer. not one not two but three journals. or rather planners and journals.
i have started writing since the start of december and i realised i couldnt stop writing. and it surprises me how much i have to tell from just one day.
why so many? i guess i want to separate my worklife from my personal life. i used to dumpl everything into one planner and then as the months go by, i saw that work took up more and more space for it and leaving little for my personal life. so now i have two planners. one purely for work and its like everyday there seems to be a new list of things to get done. covered the whole weekly page!
i have a little black book dedicated to my personal life, my habits, my list of things to do for home and family. i have to do this and make it a commitment to love my self more. and i pretty much love it.
i also have a daily journal that i have been writing nonstop. its a one page a day journal and hey, sometimes i have so many things to write within a day, i kind a have to stop and make it to another day.
i am also currently trying to write a journal which is more like a biography of sorts. who knows, it could be the start of something. may not be my story, but still a story to tell.
i am not abandoning my space, my virtual space as yet. i still love blogging. its just that there is more to write than just blog. perhaps this space could evolve.
time alone
i know. I’ve been repeating a lot about how much i need to recuperate as an introvert. i really did. it is important to me that i have this alone time because otherwise i really could not function.
i will not be able to be productive and efficient at work. i cannot move forward. i cannot make decisions and my mind is just floating somewhere up there unsure of how or where to move. i lost appetite. i drink sweet drinks like an alcoholic and risk my whole body itching, already I’m having scars on my legs. and worst is, my spiritual obligations are challenged, which i cannot let that happen. i know the symptoms already. i need to recharge and revalue my self.
and i have to say i have been ignoring my self care since all the visits i have been receiving and having guests, continuing to do work and of course the major korban event at the mosque and then the bbq, its just too much socialising, i honestly have not spared a thought for myself. so last sunday, honestly, my mind just have what i would say a mental shutdown. for a first time in my life, my work life actually, i just said to myself, i have had it i am not going to work today and i don’t care if I’m breaking any rules because i think i will be more wasted if i really dragged myself to work. i will end up doing nothing and just staring at my laptop, unable to do any work done. i just did.
of course, my rationale would be i came back to work during my off day some days ago. if you don’t seem to understand why i am working on a sunday, its ok, long story.
i am on a three days leave now since yesterday thursday. i got to do my own things, do some alterations to my dresses. sewing is so much hard work but i love the sound of the sewing machine. and the fact that i can sew in straight lines now is a huge achievement. its almost like a therapy too.
cooped up in my condo today with lovely hubby who also needed the time off from work cause he’s been deadly busy. although he is on call and ready to be at his work corner anytime he’s called up, which is about now.
i love this room. i really am. surrounded by my books and seated at my wooden desk. i feel inspired already. i need to update my libib and probably start planning on free library corner ideas I’ve been having lingering in my mind.
grateful for this chance to recuperate. wholly.
the taste of ink
i love blogging. no doubt about it. nowadays though, i find writing makes more impact. and i mean, physically manually writing with pen and paper.
i am back to writing journals. i feel its a legacy almost. i also just realised, without me consciously doing it, i have journals for different specific purpose. travel journal, cooking/recipes notebook, and just recently, the desire to write about my life my family. even though if my life is not even half as exciting as other people could be, every family has their own story and i feel someone should write it down.
and what do i know, my father requested that i checked the store and eventually found a whole big box of stuffs from my past, and yes, including some diaries from my teenage years. i thought i threw away those books already?! took one out and laughed my heart out reading what i wrote back in 1997.
and then i picked up Ruth Ozeki’s A Tale for The Time Being for this long weekend read. coincidentally, it also revolves about writing and diaries and journals. on a side note, i am loving this book to the core. maybe i have a thing about japanese authors.
i think writing thoughts and words down may make me more creative. i used to love writing stories and poems back them in my school exercise books. i have no idea where those ideas come from but i did. and i enjoyed writing them.
yes, i am excited to write again.
perceptual positions
after much procrastination i finally did perceptual positions.
i procrastinated because, yes i had been busy, but i also do not have the opportunity to do it with always being around people at work and hubby around. so today i happened to take some time off and right now at my PV home. i procrastinated, too, because i was scared of the truth. but doing this perceptual positions is supposed to break whatever belief or perspectives i am currently having and to learn to manage and understand about the other people we are having ‘problem’ with.
so i did. two different persons and on two different issues.
one i had to desperately do because i have been having these bad emotions and vibes towards to and i cannot afford to live this way, i need to clear this self and heart from this bad feelings before it shows in my behaviour or my words and actions towards the person.
and i was surprised. is it possible to feel and finally learnt that the other person had ego and built a wall between us? i felt such closed inner self. like ‘i should not reveal to anyone my feelings and that everything is ok with me’. i felt that need to just close oneself and keep things to the self. and loneliness. it was not a fear but just a feel of unsure and uncertain of how one will face that loneliness.
and i learnt to involve that person. this is truly my home and no one is going to take that away. i am at peace.
the second had a desperate need to control everything, for whatever reasons, just that exhaustion and desperate need. i felt so much tiredness. but i think i learnt a truth and such grievant truth and i found out that forgiveness need to be seek, from specific person to another specific person.
i am at peace. like nothing is pulling me down, i am clear of myself and consciously aware of the difficulty i faced and the other persons. i am able to be true to myself and be sincere to the other persons. it had been a relief, like a whole burden taken off my shoulders.
i am truly glad i learnt nlp and able to use these tools to face my own demons.
finally..complete
from the shoes perspective. haha.
i finally bought myself dr martens shoes. two pairs. as my birthday gift for myself. I’m sorry if this is going to sound materialistic but i have waited for so long to own dr martens. like seriously long.
the last time i owned a dr mart boots was during my uni years. my royal blue dr mart boots.i think i had another one before that, a maroon pair of boots.
so finally last tuesday, i was decided on dr marts. went out to orchard central, to initially just have a look and see/feel if i still have love for dr marts. turned out i feel like a girl ‘reunited’ with her most favourite thing, i couldn’t stop smiling looking at all the boots and shoes.
surprisingly though, i didn’t bought the boots. i was contemplating long and hard. i took out some faves, and tried them on. i finally decided on two which was love at first try. what happened to the boots? somehow i felt that wearing boots are a beautiful remnants of my teenage and younger days. honouring my lost maroon and blue boots. maybe simply not yet. perhaps, for now, maybe a bit of change to reflect the me now. the two pairs screams me too.
i guess, i will always be a dr marts girl.
Eid 2015
my eid has been quite spiritual for me this year.
for the first time, at least, i realised for the first time, the takbir gave an emotional effect to me. like i finally understood what it meant and how it felt for Ramadan to end. like i finally understood that i am going to miss Ramadan.
i trained myself for this Ramadan. i had been training my inner self for this Ramadan since last year’s when i realised i didn’t do enough. it had not been perfect but i hoped it is much better than last year. it’s really about setting a goal for myself. for the unconscious mind. it worked.
i fulfilled many nights of terawih, even if it was not 100%, i forced myself to wake up earlier before sahur and performed tahajjud. but it had been quite a challenge work wise. a challenge of hearts and integrity and i felt that was one of the worst challenge i ever had in my years at work. i didn’t come out a victor but i surrendered myself to God. i prayed for His guidance and hoped that i would be at peace. i learnt my lesson.
we are never perfect. but i pray we strive for perfection in His eyes. we are weak. but i pray that He nurtured us towards strength in piety. i pray that one day, i could smile and know that i have fulfilled my duties, as a daughter, as a sister, as a wife…as His servant. amiin.
reading realisation
I realised something about myself today.
I realised that reading for me, is not just a form of hobby or ‘just reading’
it’s almost like a ritual or some spiritual thing that links back to what my brain or body needs. whether it’s emotional or intellectual.
I am currently reading Forty rules of Love, it should be a good book and I have been anticipating so much in reading it, but somehow it doesn’t grip my attention as much as I thought it would be. there is no real desire to read and find out more about the story, it doesn’t make me feel like I cannot stop reading, it doesn’t make me dream about reading it. it could be because of the theme of the story which revolves around a woman who is going through a midlife crisis, so it could be that I could not relate to the story so much. but I was looking forward to the sufi themes of the story, but somehow, it doesn’t gives me that inspiration so much.
I am at 36% reading through it but I decided I need to stop. I don’t enjoy reading it at this moment and I know it could be a book I want to love but right now, I cannot continue because it is not something I need. I need to move on and take a book and enjoy reading.
and somehow, I am dreaming of reading Purification of the Heart. this is another thing I just realised as well. I have had this book for so long and had not yet had a desire to read it but somehow, now, I yearn to read it. it must have something to do with my unconscious mind, or simply, my SELF. this inner self or something. like I would rush home right now just to read that book. it could also be that I have, earlier sometime ago, put the intention to read it and this is the right time to read.
in any case, this pretty much how it is when it comes to reading. I have many books at home to read, but there will always be a ‘right time’ to read each and every one of them. from the feel of it, touching the cover and its pages, the smell of it, the sound of reading it, it all plays into the joy of reading. I just didn’t realise before that ‘time’ could be a factor as well.
just like Haruki Murakami’s 1Q84, I had it for since two years ago? but I only picked it up last year and was so engrossed in reading it I couldn’t stop. even a trip to Santorini couldn’t make me stop from reading it.
purification of the heart it is. starting tonight.
sugar free
hubbyLove is back safe and sound. alhamdulillah. my hubby is one of the most reserved and shy person i have known but at times he could forget where he is standing and could even portray public display of affection. like a hug and kiss on the lips after being away from me for four days. at times like this, i feel like the shy girlfriend whose heart beats with anticipation for the boyfriend returning home. blushing and smiling to receive the boyfriend. haha.
it is March already. Already?! i feel like i have not stop rushing through the days.
but i finally learnt to let go today. it is a sunday and i had a clear mind and not worry about work. sometimes i am still teased by the thoughts of quitting and had enough of these constant anxiety and busy-ness and managing expectations from every corner of my life. ideal would be to work lesser hours, and take care of both homes, one which require me to care for my parents. but since i may not have that chance yet, i am trying to make do with whatever time i have and have the best of both worlds.
this month, the plan is to cook for lunch and dinner. lunch meaning something which hubbyLove can bring to work because he’s been skipping lunch a few times already. so i am now researching by the day how to make this happen. one thing for sure is to wake up much earlier and prepare them fast because hubbyLove goes off at 6.30am. i have set my mind on this and i will do it.
i have also set my mind to have a sugar free month this March. i know it already sound hard and i dont know how i will do after a few days. but something clicked in my brain the past few days and i have declaring in my diary that i had my last teh ais and my last iced lemon tea. i want to see if i could finally live without these two fave drinks of all in my whole life. i wanted to go ‘slow’ and perhaps have a one sweet drink per day. and then move on to have totally sugar free days soon. let’s see how it goes this first week of March.
and yes, ‘i am in training for kinabalu’, so even if i work a whole 8 hours a day, i am going to make it happen. start with small exercises, have more walks perhaps, cycle more hopefully and perhaps finally take up running one of these days. i will do it.
and all these in addition to my habits tracking. i have a lot to accomplish.
write it down Seri. it made more sense.
Sugar free days here i come!
living seri 