make.your.self

About myself, my characters, my attitudes, my likings and what i discover about myself.

this too shall pass part me

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sorry, im on a sugar high after having some sweet red velvet cupcakes.

this too shall pass has always been my favourite one liners. by a sufi poet Fariduddin Attar. The article i shared below was actually taken from a website, khamush.com

i have always loved that story and i would have loved to have it in its original persian language. havent had the time to find that out though.

its the line i used to comfort myself through hard times, and a stubborn reminder every time i fight the urge to get something beyond my budget. I have lived with this say for as long as i can remember.

and particularly today, i am reminded of my love for poems and mystic literature. i think its time to be reunited with this love, look deep into myself and see what ticks. got to visit the library one of these days, or better yet, buy the book from Wardah.

this, too, shall pas…and still is.

chai latte

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I am your minah teh tarik, kakak teh ais, and now your chai latte lady 😉

thank you to the babes, I tasted my virgin chai latte and instantly fell in love with the taste. especially after a hard day at work (ok, not really, a day at a course) and knowing I have a presentation I have yet to prepare the very next morning, I challenged the odds and spent a bit of time with girlfriends. because, well, we just needed it.

it was supposed to be a café hopping kind of gathering, but what how many cafes can we cover from 6.30pm onwards? well, 4 actually.

tiramisu hero has the best ambience, I Am have the best crepe, ogopogo for the oh so refreshing chai latte (and personally pretty vintage design as well) and hmm, I don’t know, your back to basics by the street café Nasrin for a fun polaroid session!

I am glad I spent a bit of time with them. oh yea, got to work on that social bit of thinking. I totally fail in this friendship/communication department. I have always been so quiet and yea, I get it, introvert, psychologically speaking. I have been blessed with some very understanding friends, I mean that is what friends are for, accepting the way you are. but I get frustrated with myself for rather being the listener than sharing my stories. I definitely take time, a long time, to get used to a person and open up to them. so like if my friends bring their other friends or spouse along, I kind of shut myself off. its a natural response. I do not have control over it, eh. I will work on this slowwwwly I promise. but when a cool friend says you’re cool too because of the music I listen to, well, that is a compliment for your timid little seri ok! haha!

to dear friends, thank you for knowing me and understanding my need to be quiet. I enjoy your company all the same. 🙂

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cycle noob

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one thing about turning 30 is the ability of knowing your body well. I am more in tuned with my body, I listen to my body and what I need and/or capable of. i know when to stop and when i can push my self further.

you see I was never a sporty person. I didn’t do sports back in school all the way to high school, hey, my school don’t have sports back then, being an all girls’ school. the sports we had was all self initiated. there was that occasional badminton games we play among friends and for a while, a soccer fever in the all girls’ school with kains and all until the teachers couldn’t say anything to us all because we were always playing ball! I knew then I was never going to be interested in soccer. back at home, dad was an avid badminton player. he was our unbeatable badminton hero. 🙂

and then there was ye-ye, an old school game rubber bands tight together to make a rope and two persons will hold each ends going up from the knee to the highest level while the rest will take turns to go over it. i can say i was among the best in the game.

so i was choosy. but what i know now is i love badminton, second only to cycling, and always will be, archery. (Now, archery, I am so going to return practising that, I had so much fun during Uni years and I never regretted taking it up as part of my extra curriculum activity, and its a sunnah plus point).

I have always loved cycling. the funny thing is, i only realised my body relationship with cycling today. it helped that hubby loves cycling too but he has more stamina and he cycles much faster than I can. so it always makes me wonder (I just realised I am an analytical person anyway), what works and what don’t for me. Cycling is almost becoming like an art that I need to learn.

Well, today I realised that this bike hubby bought works best for me (I have tried many other bicyles, they don’t always come out as faves). It was not heavy, light tyres and the gears, thus far, I know I can go gear 5 and mind you, up a hill at that gear ok. I was smiling ear to ear when I could cycled up ok! and your noob here just realised that even the height of the bike seat also determines whether I can cycle fast because otherwise, it just feels terribly hard to pedal comfortably, your leg should stretch out the whole length so the thighs will not be too strained out when you pedal down. your posture as well, how at times you just need to bend forward to preserve a bit of energy. hah, it take me to be 30 to finally realise these! but i still havent mastered the art of breathing though. It was fun nonetheless.

psst, I have been cycling 25 km all this while. Yes, just found out about that too. 😉

Starting out as not a sporty person, I can finally say I am taking care of myself by doing sports, and doing it with the man I love nonetheless.

hmm no, no running please, my knee cannot take running.

there I know my self.

2014

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oh well, I am sure many people are also doing reflections and resolutions. I started the year with a nice homely breakfast, just me and husband, of warm French toasts, baked beans, some nuggets and nice hot milo. hopefully it is a start of a new habit I hope, making breakfasts for my husband.

and I have been spending the morning reading The Silver Star by one of my fave authors, Jeannette Walls. I bought the book quite some time ago and just thought I would read it on a good day and what better day than the start of 2014? so far, I cant seem to put the book down! about sisters taking care of each other. I am just taking a break from reading otherwise, nothing else gets done!

2013 had been crazy. but surprisingly good in some ways and it had been a year of travelling for me. work will always be crazy for me and I guess it had been a fight over time management and what arrangement suits best for me. seriously. I had been trying to balance work and family and my own self. There had been some form of almost balance some where but I found out it was never perfect. I still had not spend as much time with my family as I wanted. I only find myself more exhausted than ever with all the Sundays I went to work and Fridays of trying to finish work and all. although Fridays had been fun because I had sewing class which I truly enjoyed and proud of myself for actually taking it up. I am able to make skirts and a simple blouse now! talking about this makes my fingers itching to sew! I need to practice and I must make time for that.

I still owe my blogspace all the travel posts. I will make time for that. heh, I guess 2014’s mantra is ‘Make Time’

2013 was also a search for myself. and no I am not done yet. so 2014 may be the best year yet.

Looking forward to 2014 and better time management and love for my self. I have many plans for this year and I want to fulfill them. In Sya Allah.

post review: the end of your life book club

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I read it head on without any expectations, except thinking that it was about dying, and half expecting it to be a dread, and yes, blindly thinking it was pure fiction. Little did I know it was about a real person.It is also about love of books. I think that is what attracted me to read it and just couldn’t stop. I was eager to know what books that Will and his late mother would read and talk about next. It is about appreciating literature, learning from them, living the experiences of the authors. It teaches me how to really read books and appreciate them. I was so happy that at the end pages, there was a list of books that were mentioned in the book and quickly decided that there are some which I would like to read myself. Definitely going to be on the to-read list.

And Mary Ann is such an inspiration full stop. like a role model, a dear mother, a dear friend and determined to make a difference. reading on, sometimes I thought to myself, I want to be like her!

and I want to have a book club. although the end of your life bookclub is between a son and a mother, the discussions and reflections they had were very interesting, lively, thought provoking, reflective definitely and it make me want to indulge in those kinds of discussions. reading through it makes me feel like I am part of the book club.

So I have been reading three novels in a row, both about life and death, both about sincere love, care and concern towards the people you love. and this latest one, a lovely memoir if I may say. it is what inspires me. and I love books which inspires me to be a better person. to do something, no matter how little and make a difference.

in the book, much of it was reminisces of mary ann’s work in refugee camps, and I really love her mission to build a library at Afghanistan, I realized, it may just be something I had dreamt of doing. I remembered researching about social work in camps and all, and yes, admiring Angelina jolie for being able to work for and be spokesperson to relief works. it still is something I would like to do if given the chance. but as mary ann puts it, having no chance of not doing is not a reason for doing nothing at all. it may start small from a little donation. and it may move from there.

and maybe someday, I will. so anyone up for a book club??

inspired

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there’s a few things I am suddenly inspired to do.

one is to finally go pro with wordpress and probably do something useful out of blogging. I have so many interests and I feel like apart from blogging out of my own interest, I can probably gain by having people gain from it.

another is the sudden inspiration to do a reading project or a movement, or get involved with an organization which has reading as its mission. I found two actually online and I have bookmarked them to learn more about them. I am also thinking what I can do with the mosque as the platform.

and the education unit has to do more than just teaching. that’s for sure. and I must make time and not be tied down by mere paperwork. there must be something we can do. but that’s about work. plenty of time to think and plan properly. I feel like we can do so much more at the mosque. I must be confident of carrying them out. Lord help me.

a brief inspiration

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Sedetik berjema’ah was done out of nowhere. it really just came up at exactly between the azan for Asar and the Iqamah today at work. it was short and simple but it had always been at random impromptu times when proses come to my mind. so that was like in two minutes? after that, when I thought I want to possibly expand the poem, I couldn’t. well, as I say mentioned in a previous post, in proses no less, it came without warning.

Anyway, I have been thinking about this the whole day. I woke up this morning with this urge to write down something like a tribute to my teachers. I know its way past teachers’ day and I’m not always an emotional person when it comes to my teachers. well I have my ups and downs back at school always being the odd one out, neither here nor there, having a hard time to learn to speak up and definitely friend problems. hehe. but right now, my focus are my teachers.

it will be in the next post..

the trainer the participant

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how’ s the week so far? for the record it was not smooth sailing but surprisingly felt a bit more fulfilling. the best part is to be able to give some thought to some pending items. that was really satisfying. i followed as much as possible the blocks of time which i had planned out. i wasnt strictly on it and i have to be conscious and flexible enough to make some adjustments. but for the most part, following that life table helps. a lot.

it had been a tiring two and a half days of teens solat camp. well, generally all of us in the education unit was busy. three of my teachers had to do some teacher training, me and a few of us doing the teens camp pretty much fast pace although its the holidays. but i guess it will all be worth it. and amidst the preparation for the camp, i managed to do those pending things, that was the surprising part. although i had to admit, most of the preparation for the camp were done by my teachers. and they did the facilitation and i come in to take one or two slots and give them the support they needed.  alhamdulillah it went well and i am very happy to see smiling faces at the end of the camp and some determined faces to do better and improve on their prayers.  it was a refreshing part for me too, in the knowledge sense and so many reminders to myself personally. subhanallah. all tiredness just disappeared at the end of the camp. i pray all the students who came and participated very well in this camp learnt something. Oh Allah, please guide these children. they need Your love and guidance to lead their busy life. oh Allah, please help them. help me too. You are the best Guider, the Most Merciful, Most gracious, guide us all to the straight path. amiin.

quite emotional actually going through this camp. i am as good a participant as well as a trainer. me and my teachers, we learnt from each other which is so valuable.

telling myself to keep Moving On works well with this mind also. ok one more week. let’s do better!

listen

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Subhanallah.

I need to note this down because it is part of this search for myself phase that i am going through.

This morning i picked up the Qur’an. Used to be normal for me but i had to pick up this habit back again after quite awhile. And you know how i have been struggling with this mission:me and all these choices and fights i had between me and…me. So when i opened the book, taking where i left off, and subhanallah. The verse which came to me like a slap on my face. I do not know why and which part of my life but at that instant moment, it was like a wake up call to me. The beauty of the qur’an.

I have always believed in making connections with the AlQuran and always believed in finding answers from it. Always. I thought i have lost that connection but Alhamdulillah, that realisation hits me, that Allah still guides me. This weak servant still receives His mercy.

And the verse…well, that was me.. In times of need, i call up to Him and i will not deny that when i am happy and when things are ok..shameless. Whenever work was bad i asked Him to give me answers and tell me what to do but now i know…why do i seek Him only in times of need? When there are people out there in constant prayings and hoping to be in His mercy…we ask for this and that but we forget the blessings and the ni’mah already in front of us. I want all the goodness in life but i couldnt even give Him five minutes of my time in true prayer. Well, just last week the mufti was talking about the challenge to be khusyu’ in prayers. I wanted so much from God but i couldnt be what i am suppose to be. A humble servant. I feel like i have been doing it wrong all this while. The AlQuran is always like that. You can be reading it khatamulquran so many times but at just the right time and the right need, it just appears to you clearly and knock you on the head. Subhanallah.

Tell me, how many times have you read the verse:
“And when men is affliected by pain, he calls his Lord turning to Him passionately. Thereafter, when He blesses him with some favour from Him, he forgets that for which he was calling Him earlier….Can such people be equal to the one who worships during the hours of night, prostrating himself and standing, fearing the Hereafter and having hopes in his Lord’s mercy? Say can those who know and those who do not know become equal? It is only the people of understanding who receives the advice.” Az-zumar 8-9

And then He comforts me with the next ayat: “Say: o My sevants who believe, fear your Lord. Those who do good deeds in this world will have a good return and the earth of Allah is wide. Certainly those who observe patience will be given their reward in full without measure.” Az-zumar 10

When i came to that, i just had to stop and think about whatever that is going on in my life. Just few days back i was blogging and asking whether i gained rewards for serving the mosque and leaving my husband alone at home and ignoring my family altogether. How can i even question myself??!
Patience seri. Patience. This is the challenge the test that He gave me and i should be truly gratified because this challenge is nothing compared to some many people out there with real difficulties.

And then i was in dilemma of whether to continue doing this and get something else that pays more and then i realise again, patience seri. I have so many things i want to do and pursue. But i need to embrace what is already in front of me and do what is best because His rizq is wide. My time will come. And i will find time. Slowly but surely insya Allah.

He will guide me and my loves.

You know i remember there was a point in my life that i really stop finding and waiting. I really gave my full trust in Him that He knows what is best for me. I just stop looking. I saw people around me getting married one by one or having partners but i just stop having any emotional inclinations. I was going to do what is best for me at that time and it was an employment and making my family happy. I concentrated on that. And then Suhaimi came into the picture. I didnt realise it back then but true, it was that trust and tawakkal if i can put it that way. I didnt ask for love, it came to me. With flaws and all. But it worked. And nothing happened unless He wants it.

The point is. I return to that position. That giving wholly my destiny in life to Him. That true understanding of Him guiding me in this. I feel like tearing putting these thoughts here because i feel like i found my old self.

But its hard work. This journey will continue in contemplation.

One lesson in life at a time.

Thank You.

keep moving on

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i realised one thing about myself this week. it is to keep moving on. keep following through with whatever i had planned to do. follow through with the lifetable i did for myself. just keep moving. because what i noted down in my lifetable included all parts of my life, spiritual, mental, workwise, hobbies and love. except true that hobbies and loves makes up the most time and sometimes juggled between one another. i cannot say i do not have enough rest time because i am making a point to sleep at one timing and wake up at the same timing.

that took a while to understand. i had been doing a sleep cycle observation on my self. i need to sleep by 11. or 11.30 max and always found myself waking up at the sound of the subuh azan which i put on alert from my phone. and it was a good wake up (although not always, still trying to find out what will make me have a good well rested sleep and what doesnt). a deep sleep is all i need which i dont always get. it also means i need 7 hours of sleep to function. or else i wake up feeling like a zombie and take half the day just to perk myself up. recently i am trying to trick my brain and trigger sleepyhead. read a book in bed means sleep. but honestly, sometimes i still toss and turn and ended up playing candy crush or surf aimlessly in singsale or groupon or deal.com to lull me to sleep. and it did help sometimes. you know how your body just went limp and you drop whatever it is you are holding falling asleep.

anyway knowing about yourself is always a work in progress. just few days back the news were on to singaporeans being not having enough sleep. i feel i am not alone ! hehe. but i am determined to make right about this sleeping because it is after all a ni’mah God has given us. sleep well wake up feeling better lead your life smarter and healthier and focus better in your spiritual routine.

back to trying to understand about myself. its the moving on momentum. from one task to another. the brain works better it seems. but a qailullah or a power nap helps in desperate times. when i am so tired doing something, take a break like a drink or watch tv for a few minutes but then continue with the next task.  it is a trick to train the mind and body and dismiss the word lazy from the life dictionary. it is still a trial and error thing for me as of now. but i would like to see how it works.

anyway. this first week of june will be the first full week i am going to use my lifetable. although i planned to take off in lieu tomorrow, i am kind of excited to see how life will turn out tomorrow. i may just take half a day and see how it goes. oh, monday is a lunch out day. 🙂 and relax night afterwork because the other days of the week will be ‘full’ of projects. (which i had procrastinated or did not find time doing or just plain tired).

very apt for 30 hari mencari diri. insya Allah.

remember keyword: just keep moving.