make.your.self

About myself, my characters, my attitudes, my likings and what i discover about myself.

life in a table

/ livingseri / Leave a comment

who would have thought. a timetable is all i needed to turn my life around? well not so much a major makeover of life, just to make sense of life, my everyday routine. to find purpose in this life.

i have always been a pen and paper person. i have tried so many free calendar and productivity apps in my iphone or my ipad but in the end, writing them down gives me full sense and satisfaction. (and really really tempted to get that Kikki stationery!) that finally i can really see what have i been doing, what i wanted to do and never gotten round to do it and how to fit in all he things i love doing in 24/7! and i realised how much work i have to do and not done just because i cant fix my time correctly. all the bits and pieces jumbled up and i dont know where to start and you know how you kind of have a worker’s block (something like writer’s block). pretty much my time is all filled up that i almost thought i wont have time for my candy crush! hehe.

what made me do up a timetable? because i really wanted to make a change, and improvement in me and making sure that turning 30 is worth it. and little did i know, once i see my life as it is in words, makes it more fulfilling. and 7 habits workshop doesnt go to waste because of all things, i ended up writing down my tasks in this forgotten 7 habits notebook i got in a workshop few years back.

so i see myself in blocks of time within the day in a week. from morning to late night. put in everything i have done and wanted to do in pockets of time. just everything i can think of about my work, all noted down.

heaved a sigh of relief and i just hope this can last for long. because for this week, i can see i work better nowadays. even in the morning! haha. although the exercise bit takes a bit more time to restart.  but so far…hope this works.

day nil: restart

/ livingseri / Leave a comment

i am really feeling the challenge of going through this contemplating me:mission. with all that is happening and my days all haywire, i just pushed all these thoughts and ideas away. it went right through the hole in my mind. forgotten.

last weekend was a short holiday for most people but it wasnt for me. in fact i worked extra long hours for two out of the three days.i dont know if leaving my husband alone at home and not doing my simple responsibility  as a wife, but instead spending two whole days at the mosque and coming back late from work, i dont know whether i am gaining rewards or otherwise?? he let me go, he send, bought breakfast and then he fetched me, he keeps quiet about it, he doesnt eat properly when i am not home and only had dinner when im home… so i really dont know if i get rewards for serving the mosque but leaving my husband home. and not forgetting almost ignoring my parents and siblings altogether. and that family outings were planned according to my time instead of the majority and when things dont go as I planned, i got mad at them.

this is my challenge. or better termed as dugaan in malay.

i used to think my life was quite smooth going, and that things are going fine but i realised it is not. this is my obstacle in life, a challenge a choice which i i find myself always fighting. i still am. inner and outer. everything my mind my body my soul. and unless i make that ultimate choice can i embrace the true me.

and honestly, i am very worried about my physical self. my closest friend advised m to go for a check up, she even gave me her doctor’s contact and i cant even bother to pick up the phone and make a checkup, alasan being i dont have time. it frustrates me.

i do not like having to choose between work and family, but most of the time, i feel my self screaming angrily at me, not knowing whether i make the right choice or not. it has to be a conscious and willing choice. not forced or just because i have to. this needs some thinking.

turning 30 is about knowing what you are and your purpose. i thought i found my passion and i know what i like doing. i know what i want to pursue. in truth, i have many things i know i can do and want to do.

my limitations was confidence and my intelligence. my weakness was once i feel im not good enough, i fell into a black hole and shut myself up. the problem is, i should not feel that i am not good enough because it limits my potential, my thought process and my productivity.

Lord help me.

day 2: fail

/ livingseri / Leave a comment

the first day of mencari diri…it started out good, the morning was well spent as planned.

but day 2 was a disappointment. i dont know what happened. but i couldnt follow through. everything was messed up. work was crazy. and it had been these days, whats with family day, checking up logbook remarks. totally messed up and too many things to catch up.

and i am now still busy doing work, lesson planning. yes i still do lesson planning. and then people bugged me with stupid questions. just go through the overview lah.why ask again. macam tolonglah, kenapa tanya kalau benda dah ada depan mata? expect me to remember everything is it? just check the overview lah. ok, there goes. not what i want to achieve in this mission of finding myself.

and the temptation of materials. stop even the idea of owning any. not good at all. dont compare myself with others.

spiritual wise, fail. i wanted to do more than usual. i couldnt and i didnt. shame on me.

day 1 mencari diri

/ livingseri / Leave a comment

I am on a 30 days of finding me.
30 hari mencari diri.

I have been thinking of having a book to accompany this rediscovering me phase…before i actually hit a milestone age, the big 3-0.

I have always had connections with a book, especially inspiring novels and stories. The book which i always picked up to bring myself back up has always been paulo coelho’s The Alchemist. A book recommended to me by a schoolmate in secondsry years and have been one of my favourite all this time. Its the one ‘storybook’ i bring along to university because i thought i will need it in times of need and it did help now and then in my pursuit for knowledge with all its difficulties.

That was a book i thought i would take this time around. But then, i realise, no. Why would i want to use a book written by, nonetheless a great author, a spiritual person, and although he believes in God, he not necessarily share my faith.

I had always believed in signs and how Allah will give me inspiration and guidance in times of need. Disclaimer, although i know i strayed from that guidance sometimes and do things on my limited capability. So it happened i borrowed a book from the library with the intention to create some posters and take some contents from this book. But never got to start doing it. The book lay on my desk since a few days ago.

I have edward de bono’s beautiful mind at hand and i strive to read that but who would have thought, Contemplations of a book accompanying me suddenly been decided this morning, when i saw the book on my desk.

doa ajaran ilahi is the book. I realise this could be the right starting point if i am holding this book now. I am in search of myself, why would i stray so far to read all other when this small book could teach me something. It is, quite simply, a book of prayers. And prayers are a tool of a muslim who is in need. I am in need now.

So show me please.

“Supplicate to your Lord humbly and softly, surely He does not like those who cross the limits.” Al-a’raf:55

30 hari mencari diri

/ livingseri / Leave a comment

There was 30 hari mencari cinta but this is me. Contemplating me.
30 hari mencari diri. 30 days finding me.

It might sound cheesy. What is it about me that needs to be rediscovered? Dont i already know who am i? What is so special about me?

But life has been a struggle inner me all this while. And i am determined to stop this struggle and embrace me. I know bits and pieces of me but i know i have not live myself up to my potential and i definitely have many weaknesess.

So i am going to start tomorrow and make a change. I hope.
No. I will.

30 hari mencari diri..

three decades struggle

/ livingseri / Leave a comment

Life is a struggle.

It has always been a struggle for me. Not so much of a daily needs kind of struggle where you work for a plate of rice. I am truly grateful for where i am born, the family i was born to and this normal worldly life i am living.

My life has always been a struggle of choices. It just made sense to me. I definitely struggled during my school years. Not the struggle of getting grades, because i think i pretty much go through school averagely smooth but it was always a struggle of finding who i really am.

And i still am.

I have learnt to accept my self as i go through life, but its always a fell and get back up again seri type of acceptance, if you get what i mean. I have never been good in decision making. Its usually because of something. Like because ustazah doesnt like it, because school doesnt allow it, its because if i do it i will get punish or its because what my mother and father like. The only choice i made was to choose to go to IIUM and then sometimes i find myself thinking if i had made the right choice….because right now i am thinking as if i am in a deep shithole with no exact route to go. Like stuck in the middle of somewhere unable to move on until i made one single step.
But i am afraid to move on because i think this is where i should be. In a sense, i am struggling, even with my choices.

Life is a struggle. Of choices.
Always when i think i have had it, a eureka this is it moment, it will soon die out and i am back to where i started. Feeling disoriented, dissatisfied, disturbed, heh. This cycle has to stop. I know that. And i keep steering it.

And 30 is approaching soon. I still find myself struggling…with me…

contemplating seri

/ livingseri / Leave a comment

hello May.

April had been bittersweet but it did end beautifully.

turning 30 is really a conscious effort in me. the whole of me.

with all these thoughts and experiences i am going through i thought it is best to record it. maybe i should return to traditional writing. but in any case i created a blog just for this purpose.

contemplatingseri.wordpress.com

it is a way to understand myself better, the way i think and lead life, and the changes, for the better.because life has always been a constant fight. it is time to conscious of this fight and make a choice.

confession of an abid

/ livingseri / Leave a comment

This may sound trivial but its the going on 30 series, and im just taking notes of changes i see in myself or a sudden realisation of my own self. Now just today, i realise the type of telekong i wear can affect my concentration in my prayers. I know there is the khusyuk situation one should be in during prayers but i do realise this one important part of myself.

Its when i bought a new set of telekong however unfortunately i did not check properly before actually buying it except asking about the material from the saleslady. So it happened that the headgear had a tight band around the circumference of the face, and the kain was a bit short for my liking. I thought i could bear with the tightness on my face, simply thinking it will expand after a few days. But that first few days left me with headaches and marks on my forehead. And the kain, well, i was always conscious that my feet is not covered properly. I never realise it can affect me so much.

So last friday i bought another new set, the same as my previous one which i had loved. And i have been wearing it sinvce and i am so so happy and comfortable and finally able to focus on the prayers instead of headaches and uncovered feet.

I get into the conclusion, and a bit of advice, to ladies who might have been experiencing difficulties to stay focused, maybe its the praying attire. Change. I knew i changed my old set because it was getting yellowish instead of white. It is usable but it just gets to me that its yellowing instead of pure white. Find a praying attire that you will really like and there are so many choices out there, from material to colour to design. Find one you are comfortable in and will love wearing. When you are in your best attire, you are more ready and focused.

Just like going for an interview for job. You want to give a good impression, of course, you would wear something comfortable and nice enough to present yourself well. You would even buy a new set of dress even! So why not for Lord? Give your best physically and the mind and heart will do the rest.

Having a praying attire that you like wearing will certainly be a form of motivation too. This definitely works with children too!

Ok, i suddenly feel like a productive muslim blogger haha. What happen to the recently bought telekong? Well i am going to wash it and maybe donate it to the mosque as a wakaf. Its only few days old and looks brand new. Insya Allah.

I dont know why this is worth a blogpost, but it matters to me 🙂

going on 30

/ livingseri / Leave a comment

I have been thinking these days. Quite random actually but its almost like a self reflection thinking.

I am going on 30. This year. I have been thinking have i acheived success thus far? Is this what i want to do? Is this good enough?
I have always thought i can do so much more. I am destined for bigger things. But what, i dont know yet.

Its just that apart from working and helping my family now and then, financial wise i am not there yet. I am not into luxury and fashionable items but i do look to travelling. I am twenty years away from half a century and i dont know if by that time i am financially free. I am saving up now. But it would be nice to see my money grow. And it would be really nice to be able to do zakat every year.

You know what my dream is? For my whole family to do haji together. Alhamdulillah my parents have gone to umrah but i aim for haji for them and the rest of us. And then travel see the world together.

And then there’s the success part. Do i still see myself ‘here’? Doing the same thing every year. Or is there something out there for me to explore? I definitely still have the study part to accomplish which i havent got to do yet due to the savings.

What about my husband? He has the money. But yes he has the house to think about and because we are sandwiched in income we had to get something which if i have had a better pay, it would help a lot but no. The daily needs of our lives. as a wife, it is only right that i depended on him. but Well, simply because being me, i am an independent person. I was that before i got married and i would like to stay that way, being the X generation woman that i am.

What if i am not working in the next five years? What if, God forbids, realistically speaking, my husband….you know…lifespan. I really cannot imagine life without him. Oh Lord, i need him. Please grant us strength and health. And that’s another thing: the wife role. I have always been thinking whether i am doing enough to fulfill my responsibilities. I am trying to juggle this working wife role. Maybe i am harsh on myself but i do not think i am doing great in this department!

Oh woman.

bookless reader

/ livingseri / Leave a comment

I know. i love books, madly love books. There were times when i can just sit and read a book the whole day and had difficulties doing other things because i was just so engrossed in a story.

But the era is changing and i am catching up fast. I embraced the ebook reader. I still buy books. No way can i not read a book in its book form. But i also love the ebook for the simple reason of having a couple of ‘books’ in one cool device! I especially love it that classics are available free. And i must say i have downloaded almost all the classics from kobo, my choice of ebook-shop and reader.

Ebooks is also making it easier for my thirst for the fantasy genre. Because it was too many, its the one genre which i cant afford to buy. The library had been my sanctuary for them books. But as in the case of george r martin’s games of thrones, i purchased them online as ebook collection and i got them at a much cheaper price and i can bring all 4 books wherever i go! Hwahwahwa.
Still, only the favourites though. I will still make the library relevant by visiting them now and then for my fantasy fix.

Not forgetting those emagazines! I love them too haha! Especially reader’s digest! It gives a different experience of reading that mag with videos a click away and the animations they have! Very cool! Just this month’s, when u ‘open’the e-mag, you are greeted by this celebrity featured!

Nevertheless, as all booklovers all over the world, we still want to read books in its natural way. Its the joy of reading it, admiring the cover, flipping over the page to keep on reading, slipping a bookmark(in my case, colour coordinated) with a heavy heart because you do not want to stop. And more so, in these times when you are always connected and screen eyed, you just want to look away and go easy on the eyes with some nice book, with a nice hot drink, and just indulge in another life, another world, another story.

I really really hope the luxury of holding a book is not lost in time. And yes, my children will be book lovers too. Definitely.