maybe.memories

Good memories worth remembering with family and friends

borrowed life

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Today I am allowed to complete another full year of life and add another day to a new lease of life.
I hope I have lead this life well thus far.
I hope that I have fulfilled some milestones in the three decades of borrowed living.

1988 – Kindergarten at 5 years old exactly thirty years ago

1990 – Primary One at one of the best madrasahs. sweet and not so sweet memories. some remembered some forgotten. some in broken pieces of memory reel. some stamped in memory perhaps emotionally impacted.

2001 – Graduated finally after twelve long years of basic education. Nothing fantastic a student I was, but barely survived with good mentions, I hoped. The fact that some of my teachers could remember and called me by my full name, I must have been a small part of their good teaching diaries, meagre as compared to other stellar classmates.
But hey, I survived.

2003 – Who would have thought or dreamt that I could stepped to a university. seriously. no one thought I would. but somehow I made it. away from family for the first time, remembered crying myself to sleep because my loved ones felt so far away. I was 20, lol. could have been more stronger than that!
3 years of amazing life of learning and hardships and friendships that last. memories we wouldn’t trade for anything.


2008 – And so it begins. adulting, as they call it nowadays. and for the rest of our lives that is. those, another day, another story to tell.


2010 – Marriage. Who would have thought that?! I didn’t for sure. We didn’t look for each other. We came into each other’s lives by coincidence, not us, but our elders. but with a heartbeat he took me under his wings, care and love for me, made me feel safe and complete. without a worry in the world. I hope I have cared and loved you as much. and to love and care for one another for the rest of our lives.


2019 – Still here. Alhamdulillah.

there may be more that one can wish to accomplish. perhaps an inkling to achieve something worthy. to make life worthwhile and meaningful. we are all made for bigger things. I think I am. but everything at its own right time.

I pray for love, health and strength to persevere. faith, deep full faith. and trust in Him and His decree.

a student again

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this is it.

you know how when we were younger, perhaps back when teenage hood has gotten the better of us and we start to dream and write goals or aims. or simply what we want to be when-we-grow-up. I’m not really that kind of person. i never knew what i wanted to be. it swayed from being a:

i. police officer (although i know i would chicken out at the sight of blood…already medicine line is nowhere touchable)

ii. teacher (probably what everyone wanted to be at that time especially when you admire a teacher, but i don’t know what i will be teaching because i don’t excel in any particular subject especially not Arabic although that would have been cool if i had mastered it back then)

iii. a writer because i did enjoy writing. for every teenage angst, there’s always that period of writing poems as a form-to-express-yourself. i remembered having exercise books writing ‘novels’ of unrequited love. lol.

and then somewhere along that period of uncertainty, i did part time at a community library and that was love love love. absolutely. i think i enjoyed work more than school then. and for the longest time now, when work became too overwhelming, i sometimes wonder why don’t i just go back to be surrounded by shelves and books.

perhaps. if i had been simple minded and wasn’t thinking of getting a degree, i would have been a librarian. and perhaps life would be very different now.

then the term ‘comparative religion’ caught my eye. i didn’t know when or how it happened. it was just that, maybe, i started to hear my seniors back then flying off to study and you got inspired and say wow!! cool!! go to Uni! and this utopian world called International Islamic University Malaysia seems to be THE place to go. destiny seemed to have paved some way for this i-don’t-know-what-i-want-to-be me. i almost decided, then, to be a comparative religion expert, maybe go all the way take masters and even PhD. be an academician, a researcher, anything to continue to indulge in my second love. i loved the world of reading, of finding out the unknown, of writing and making sense of my thoughts, of trying to understand why people believe.

enough reminisce. i succeed. i graduated. i was grateful for being had the chance to experience one of the most memorable 3 years of my otherwise normal introvert life. i went to work. (although that was another story to tell…) and then continued to work, doing perhaps item i, ii & iii thrown in altogether, if you think about it.

but nothing to do with my two loves. except i always known that i want to continue studying.

so while at a crossroads, and searching for my self (it’s a thirties thing—> turning.30) and what is it i want to do with life, when i think life is not going my way and why do i burdened myself with other people’s expectations. i somehow made myself submit an application to do Masters.

the first time i submitted, i got accepted. it was a nice surprise. but then i got sidetracked by the fees and thought i was not ready to do it. i did not accept the offer. although comforted in the knowledge that i am still qualified to do a Masters study.

the second time i submitted. i was not sure they would accept me. i leave it to Him. and that big orange envelope came again. i told myself i had to accept this. surely they will not accept me if i rejected this again and then submit another application the next year or something. it is now or never. just dive in and do it already! just do it for myself! after 11 years of slogging, take it as ‘rewarding’ myself! just do it and think of the consequences later. i am financially fine. i took that as a sign.

this is it. i am happy to call myself a STUDENT again.

a MASTERS student. in a third love – education.

who knew dreams could continue after 11 years?

ps: to commemorate this, i created another category for my masters journey. as per ‘tradition,’ it’s usually the song titles from fave bands. some of these had been from Muse, The Used, Finch.

<guiding.light> by Muse. welcome to Seri Studying Again.

luluh

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hi. i am surprised at myself sometimes, for always coming back here. like an exboyfriend you don’t really got over with. if it feels like that, i wouldnt know actually. the only real boyfriend i had is my husband now. *hearts*

it’s 8 years now. sometimes i still feel we’re like just 2-3 years into the marriage. time just passed by. age is catching up. we recreated our wedding songlist on spotify (also because we happened to volunteer to find songs for my sister’s wedding and let her choose her faves). and chanced upon some malaysian indie bands, some of which had been some forgotten faves, and then realised we love these same bands! see what 8 years made us into?! a makcik and pakcik couple into rock indie bands! i guess there are things you never knew about your partner and found out along the way.

i told him if i had met him some 10 years ago and knew he was into these bands, i would have fallen in love with him head over heels, as they put it. no turning back. haha. it’s a few weeks since our 8th year anniversary already but we still have these playlists on replay.

no matter. we are still in love very much this year (and for many many years to come), what’s with the three weddings we had back to back in the Kayat family.

anyway, i have this habit of song love spurts that makes me want to hear the song on repeat at a time, depending on the mood and whatever it is i’m facing at the moment, sometimes it’s just the music, the rhythm. but somehow this one particular grabbed my attention for the moment. maybe some euphoric unconscious familiarity that touched the mind and heart. this song makes my heart sank, really.

for my listening pleasure.

Ku telah hilang segala arah dan tujuan hidup ku.
Ku tak punya apa.
Ku mahu kau hadir berikan ku petunjuk.
Jangan biar ku hanyut
Luluh tanpa dikesan
Jangan biar ku terus
Hilang dalam sesalan

super ladies

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i rarely take selfies, and not always the first to take photos of myself. someone else always initiates a group photo. never me. but there are few instances where i feel like i need to capture a person or moment i want to remember. and when i offer myself and i actually want to take a photo with a person, it is usually to remember the feelings or thoughts i had at that moment.

like today, for instance. i was in the same room with two ladies i was always in awe of. we were attending a meeting and the two ladies seated in the front row, as leaders. and i kept telling myself, the two of them at the same place and time, i need to take a photo with them. need. yes. an opportunity as this dont always come by.

at the end of the meeting, i took up enough courage to get a friend to help me out. and i was happy.

one was my principal. well, she was my principal during my school years. i don’t remember having nice memories of her actually, well, simply because she was a strict principal, her loud voice and gave stern face was all she need to do to make any of us girls trembled in fear. i remembered though, mornings i had to be early to clean her office. i was a shy and quiet student. i don’t start conversations but i think, we thrived in those silent mornings. i was clearly not a great student, i scraped by, i survived just by trying to do and be my best in school.

but somehow, i looked up to her and respected her. i think she is an epitome of a strong lady who had to face head on all the, i am sure, difficult challenges of being the only female principal in a pre-dominantly leadership role usually occupied by men. but she never faltered, the way i see it. she was the principal and she was also teaching the upper classes. getting an A in her GP class was rare but having gotten one for an essay, gosh, that truly felt like a trophy and i treasured that essay. funnily though, that essay was based on my teen obsession towards Roswell (the drama series) and a short span interest on aliens. i don’t even remember why i thought aliens are relevant then. but perhaps that essay was full of passion and vigor, i nailed it. so anyway, when many of my classmates had a bit of resentment towards her, which i do not understand why, i have nothing but respect.

the other lady, was someone i met in my career life. i attended her trainings, and was intrigued by the NLP she introduced to us. i followed her classes then. i can say she inspired me in many ways, although i can never be like her. too much energy and optimism, lol. but still, she taught us many useful things in the course of my work and she ignited us with her passion and positivity. i have not met her for quite a while now. and as God has it, she is now the current principal of my alma mater. the turn of events, they say. such a small world.

now that i think about it, these two power ladies shaped me into who i am today. may it be small or big influence, and i still looked up to them for inspiration, for a glimpse of motivation to keep moving on. wasn’t easy, this.

i looked up to many ladies, as role models. these are my mentors. there are others i felt i owed them my success. they do. they have different personalities and ways of doing their work, i picked up these pieces of inspiration and hoped that i can be as successful as them, if not better.

how far can i go, then?

thanksgiving

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counting the days before it gets to 2018, arent we?

its a quiet grey morning today. christmas public holiday. hubbylove still wakes up at 5 in the morning. i was stirred awake at 5.30am. Subuh then dozes on and off with hubbylove.

holidays are precious to me. read a book. watch an episode from a series or two. watch a movie. catch up on anime. blog. read again. browse pointlessly through facebook. read the papers without rushing through the headlines.

and if i feel a bit more productive. i can do some spring cleaning. i have been aiming to clear the wardrobe for the longest time. complete my photo journal before the year ends.

i was ready to dismiss 2017 as a stressful year for me. with what i presume as so many heartbreaks and tension. i realised that was 2017 The Work. it somehow did not start right. i only remember all the difficulties i faced. it had been shitty, to be blunt.

while browsing through my phone for photos to print and my traveler’s journal for dates to highlight; i then realised, hey Seri, it is not a bad year after all. it had been quite a whirlwind journey of emotions. but of togetherness and what it means to be a family.

we lost two family members from hubbylove’s side. two family members in 48 hours. one of which, a most beloved aunt. i deeply felt the loss. such strong kind motherly lady. we were supposed to have a family gathering for that weekend. indeed it had been. just, without her. but we revel in one another’s comfort, in staying together, in remembering her.

that same weekend, a close girlfriend got married too. how such plans are not within our control. i wanted to be with friends. but i need to be with my family. how can that be a choice to be made?

i got to live in my own house PV for a month or two. pure bliss and happiness in the simple thought of getting to stay in one’s own house. you asked, why? well i mostly stay in another house. my own house is vacant. but due to a major renovation in this current house, we all get to stay in my house. complicated? i guess so.

but i loved it.

the clearing and the packing, no. weeks of saturdays and sundays filled up with packing, driving to and fro to the storehub where we stored our stuffs for close to three months. lugging boxes and bags of stuffs. throwed away many things, kept a lot more. the only comfort: i was just happy to be hubbylove’s shadow during those weeks. everywhere with him.

i injured myself twice this year. fell outside of the toilet, terribly hurt my right side. and within the week, misstepped and hurt my left ankle. i had to pray in the sitting position for weeks. that fall though. for a moment, i knew how it felt when people said a reel of your life and questions playing in your mind in those life and death moments. i am thankful it was a ‘normal’ fall. nothing major.

i had an amazing trip to Switzerland. a test of strength and patience. beautiful, beautiful country. a lovely family there. of train rides, boat rides, furnicators and cable cars. of hiking trails and quiet walks. and that search for beautiful shots of mountains.

my little sister got married. a beautiful marriage and wedding. and pregnant now as i am writing this down. my baby brother got engaged to a sweet kind girl. i had days of fun and love with families and friends.

it was not a bad year, 2017. it had been a good year. and i am at peace.

i have a feeling 2018 will be a change. a change for love. a change for happiness. a change for wellbeing. a change for joy.

Piper Kechik

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So i have this little one.
who has totally captured my heart and literally taken over my life.
even when i am typing this out, she’s sitting right in front of me, ears twitching to all the small little noises, and then jumping from chair to chair just to look out for what ever it is that catches her curiosity.

i took her home two months ago, already it felt like its been forever. i don’t want her to grow up and i want her to stay kechik (small in malay) for the longest time.

i have never been much of a fan, to be honest. our first cat was probably, adopted more than a decade ago. little wyte. and then it was more of my siblings’ charge and then all the other kitties came along. both sides of the families are cat people. i felt like almost everyone had their own spirit animal. except me.

and then a call for one. these little five siblings, well, the cutest little things ever. i asked my husband whether we could adopt one. there was never a definite answer, but then when the time comes, both of us, just do and nods ahead. fetched her one night and then our lives changed.

i now have separation anxiety, i’m always thinking on what she’s doing and hoping that she will be okay everytime i know she will be alone. making sure she’s eating well and not falling sick. and surprise surprise, i monitor her poos and pees. i cleaned her litter box. i know, those used to irk me, never in my life, did i ever think of touching or cleaning those. nowadays though, it felt nothing, just something i had to do to stay clean.

happines is playing with her every day, which is a good thing actually, getting more steps for the record. and definitely our relief stresser.

and i am so happy husband is a cat person too. so he’s been besotted by this little one, always finding her to cuddle and disturb. i’m totally loving this man more and more.

so im praying my little piper Kechik stay healthy and happy. for many more years. because now, you’re a part of our lives. so many humans love you Kechik.

flower love

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i took up a flower arrangement class after much contemplating. i am glad i did it. it was totally out of my comfort zone because it is my first time going to courses or workshops that has nothing to do with education, educating, self development, leadership and all those work-related stuff. super out of my comfort zone because i have none of my friends or those familiar faces i will usually see when i go for courses.

i signed up to the unknown but finding familiarity and comfort in the love of flowers and excitement of learning something new. i knew i will be meeting new people and going to a place that was unheard of before this.

but really the choice was made with pleasure.

i came in, put my heart and soul in the learning, finding out that it was really a difficult thing to do flower arrangements, but came out feeling rejuvenated. as though i just came out of a wonderland and stepped back in the raining reality smiling. like really, i totally forgot about work. forgot about being stress, and the fact that i forgot to send out two important smses which i had planned to. but i didnt feel even guilty about it, because i was still basking in the positive energy i am receiving from the learning, the humble and expert trainers, and the ladies around.

it was like a 360 degrees turn around of brain matter.

learnt some great new tips and am actually looking out to attend more. it is such a happy therapy.

Flower arrangement workshop was organized by cherriesmitten and trainer was flair.design The ladies behind these names are so humble and friendly, just chatting away their experiences and tips. i didnt even realize the amount of experience and trials flower arrangements took until i meet them. i mean i did flower arrangements, using artifical flowers, and i thought that was pretty hard, these are real flowers we’re using and they are doing events with them. wow. that sure took a lot of patience and hardwork. but passion and love too.

im pretty excited. to more workshops!

your many lifetimes

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after a couple of years contemplating and fighting with the demons, or maybe for the lack of a better word, procrastinating. I had the desperate need to do the timeline therapy which i had learnt sometime in 2014. I do not know why. I think it was just the self wasnt ready to find the truth? to face the truth? and if i don’t face it, i cannot move on. literally move on.

for many days, i relooked into my nlp textbooks, trying to recall and rereading the dialogues, went through legit youtube videos on it. i always had trouble visualizing the timeline where you had to float back and up to the past and back again to the future. and i realized its really is trusting your unconscious mind to do the ‘job’. i still remember asking my trainer how do i ‘imagine’ it going back and forth and it was really because i think too much, she said literally that, don’t think too much. and then i asked myself how do i separate the thinking from the unconscious?! there’s really no need to ask.

but i did ‘train’ myself to find that unconscious zone doing countless practising with my pendulum.

and then just one night, after doing revision, i felt this is it, i have to do it now. release the emotions. pictured my trainers in my mind, like asking permission, and ‘just do it’. i had released anger during my training, but somehow, i thought i could do it again and then move on to sadness, fear, hurt, guilt. did the anger few times though, because i wasnt sure i was doing it right. doing on your own anyway, so i was like closing my eyes and then relooking at the dialogues, but it can be done. with eyes open, yes it can. its not the vision we are looking for, its the unconscious. somewhere between practices, i think im doing it all wrong. again, the thinking. but once i got the ‘flow’ i was sure of doing it. and really, for being not ‘thinking too much’ during the whole process, my unconscious ‘helped’ me move and put me where i am supposed to be, i am a visual person and its always i need to see it or picture it right with the details, but i let go and the ‘pictures’ were not perfect, but it was shaped by the UM and i just follow it.

the answers or memories i received were ‘weird’ it doesnt make sense really, and even now, i may not be able to describe them to you what i saw, and also made that ‘mistake’ of not writing them down after every timeline because i was from one emotion to another as i didnt want to lose that unconscious authority i was having at the moment.

but briefly, the anger brought me to a different time from when i had that anger released the first time, i do not know whether that can happen. i had a different lifetime when i first tried it, but this time around i was brought to a childhood time, different types of anger, maybe? but i did remember that moment clearly. very clear.

there was one within two months in the womb for sadness, and how do you picture yourself in the womb then? i didnt, my unconscious gave me a picture of my younger mom feeling sad and i knew i wasnt allowed to question what’s happening at this point of time but what is it foetus me were going through. when i came back to the now, i had the urge to ask my mother what happened then, but i didnt because what i learned then it was an emotion i shared with my mom through our umbilical cord on whatever she is facing at that moment, it wasnt mine. it was hers, perhaps too personal for her too. maybe one day a story might revealed from her. i got to trust my UM.

fear brought to a 3 lifetime and it was a ghostly experience. i was like s*** why did this happened? i cant face it man! but i learnt it was not something i could control eh. actually felt the hairs standing a bit in that situation. i was like s*** get this over with. Trust Allah. it get spiritual ayy.. quickly came back. i had to phewwww that moment out. please know i was doing all this at night, i was alone in a different room, hubby was sleeping already. but there was no more fear. still it doesnt mean im cocky and smug now. they exist that’s all.

hurt was hurtful. it was lifetimes away, i was hurt in an abusive manner. how? i dont know. i cant see who hurt me, but i saw a me lying crying full of hurt. wow. i came back feeling a bit numb, but it was not to find answers, lifetimes away. i just touched my heart and comforting myself. but i learnt that hurt feeling was the one thing i wasnt able to face. i was fearful of getting hurt. it had always been at the back of my mind. perhaps with the release of fear, i was able to face that hurt.

had to break state like really break state. took a drink read a book before moving on to guilt.

guilt was hard. it wasnt difficult to find that emotion, it was what i had been feeling for so long now. and the past, there were many guilts along the way, i kept on floating further back to the past. i couldnt picture them all. but the final pic was pretty clear to me. i was walking away leaving someone behind and there was so much guilt there. i dont why or who of course, i was just surrounded by trees and remembering just standing there in the middle of ‘nowhere’ saying over and over again ‘im sorry i had to go’, couldnt even begin to look back to who it was i was leaving. the emotion was there. not looking back was the trigger. but i told this me, the learning process, i did what i think was right at that moment and that person might had let you go. i had that small inkling it was to save that person, whoever i was leaving. cant change the past. it happened.

break state. test state.

it was exhausting. i just sat here reviewing all that i went through. or rather the me of different lifetimes whoever me was then. just sliding back in my seat. staring into space for awhile. saying thank me UM. and wondering why didnt i do this much earlier. really Seri.

but i had one the most sound sleep i had that night. woke up feeling light. i can face anything. there’s so much hardwork and difficult times, but i know i can face it and face the consequences if there is, with an open heart. there’s no heavy feeling. just monitor the emotions from now on. and heal me. but it wasnt dreading. it was uplifting.

i guess i did alright with the timeline.

6 years

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chilling at PV at the moment. enjoying my home pretty home.

today marks our 6th year of marriage.

our way of celebrating it is to stay home. well, i am entertaining myself doing quite a number of activities since about 5 hours ago, while my poor hubbyLove is stuck with work due to some problem that occurred since last night.

perhaps we might have gone out, but hubbyLove has to be constantly on the phone and connect to his work online so it’s just better to be home.

we had always spent our anniversary travelling but its been two years now we couldnt leave due to work commitments.

the highlight of the weekend is perhaps the dinner we had with my parents last night. it was a nice sumptuous enjoyable dinner at Straitskitchen Hyatt Hotel. I have always wanted to bring my parents to a dinner out at hotels and finally managed to. for one thing, their anniversary falls on a September too, 4th, and they have never had a hotel dinner on an anniversary. i mean, we rarely eat out, and hotel dinners are expensive. but for this year, alhamdulillah, get to bring them. and its nice to see my parents enjoying the food so much. especially my father who have been mentioning of having less appetite. im happy he had few rounds of meals. and mom too. i love the conversations we are having, except half way through, hubby’s distracted by calls from his boss. in a way, i was fortunate i had my parents around, imagine, if it had just been me and him and he had to move out to have a focused discussion on the phone and left me alone there?!

i enjoyed the dinner anyway.

so today, it had been a chill at PV day. i transferred the new stacks of books i bought from central home to here, updated my shelves, so to speak. love love love my books. and after a round of blossom blast game, decided to perhaps let’s just go to the gym, for once. and i did. and so so so glad that i had the gym all to myself! no one’s around! timecheck at about 1.30pm so next time, if i want to have an empty gym, perhaps lunchtime on a weekend is a best time.

and then, since the gym is facing the pool, i was tempted to ‘dive’ in. again, the pool all to myself! totally enjoyed the jacuzzi. and i managed to do a basic amateurish freestyle on my own! i learnt from youtube. ohh that’s another thing, youtube is the best! haha. makes my visit to the pool more meaningful now 😛

ok. enough.

happy anniversary hubbyLove. thank you for loving me and providing me with almost everything. thank you for your silent patience and never failing to send and fetch me from work on the weekends. especially when i have to be at work on both days. so the least i can do is giving back this patience with stolen hugs and kisses when you are engaged online and dealing with your work like this on our anniversary day. we are cool like that.

love you with all my heart.

grateful

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second weekend of raya and i have to say i am tired from all the visitings. of course, of course, it is good and only appropriate and despite all the exhaustion, it is truely a once a year thing. i have truly nothing against it. i pretty like it still. just tired.

but alhamdulillah, visited the important people, uncles and aunts and then some, cousins who have had new houses. i actually found this year’s visits a bit more satisfying in a way. perhaps it was due to the week’s off i had on first raya week. and then spending that weekend with husband side of the family, and this second weekend with my side of the family. i did not have that’stressness’ of having to choose or feeling torn and angry at myself. even with having to go to work in the mornings of this weekend (as we just re-opened madrasah classes), and then continue on to the outings in the afternoon all the way to evening, even that does not stress me out. so im grateful. im happy. family’s happy, my parents are happy. that’s what matters.

and somehow, i loved all the dresses and baju kurungs i wore these few days. and somehow, i looked nice enough in the photos. haha. like i dont look too tired like previous years’ pics and the lipcreams ive been using also helped alot because i dont look dark lipped in the photos! im so going to keep using these lipcreams. they don’t cost a bomb either.

surprisingly, this year, celebrating my 33 years was nice too. surprise cakes from two separate occassions, one from colleagues and the other from the tweevran family. so again, alhamdulillah. for the love and care, for making me feel i deserve to be celebrated.

alhamdulillah. Thank you Lord. please protect all the people that matters to me.