it had been tiring weeks for the past month.
and the peak of it is much less expected.

so central home is going through some major overhaul of renovations. we had been packing stuffs and the most difficult part would be sending stuffs, and i don’t mean just stuffs but boxes and toyogos of gazillions of cutlery, clothes and shelves. and now that i think of it, im asking myself do we even need those things?!!

for a few weeks now, my weekends are filled with me and Suhaimi would be loading heavy bags and boxes into the car and then drove to Storhub and unloading them into the room we rent for storage for about three months. so hashtag life as a mover.

and the past weekend was the last of it. i really think me and suhaimi drained ourselves to the very last sweat because the last trip was just before 9pm and we had been on it since morning! and i think suhaimi had it more exhausting because he had to be the strong one to heave up the heavier items and he was the one driving to and fro. im just glad i was there with him all along, be his shadow and giving him that extra amount of strength. i am surprised at myself and all that strength i didnt think i had.

pretty much glad that last monday was an off day. i was also very happy that i get to stay in my beloved PV home for about a month or two. it was the only thing that pulled me through all these exhaustion!

although it as an off day, i had another round of cleaning up because we still need to keep some items in PV store. as though storhub is not enough already. whatever. my morning was spent, literally, in the store, rearranging to make space for the incoming ones. and this, i have to say i am totally proud of msyelf for being able to fit in everything in that small square room. like really, proud of myself. my power of organization. lol. and i did them singlehandedly. smug smile.

but smugness does not last long. i moved on to do other normal chores of sweeping and mopping and washing the toilet since we havent been leaving in this house for some time. and then it had to happen.

i fell in the kitchen toilet, i slipped, missed the step between the toilet and the outside, kind of see myself falling backwards, heard a thud and that’s it, hurt the backside really hard!

for that maybe 2-3 seconds, my brain was thinking too much! i was thinking, God, my spine my spine, my bone, am i going to be bedridden, is this what is going to happen to my life? am i still alive, can i walk, can i get to see my husband, how is he going to take care of me?? can i get pregnant after this?! insert emoji. i mean bloody dotdotdot, Seri, shut up, try to get up now. I knew i was just stunned for some seconds then. my vision was blurry. it was pain on my backside, my chest and my right arm. tried to move and telling myself, if i can move means my spine is ok, so please God, let it be ok.

slowly bring myself to sitting down but couldnt bend whatsoever, because of a sharp pain. bring myself up to kneeling position. and my vision blurred again. but i couldnt be sitting there in front of the toilet. stood up slowly and walked to the living room, i couldnt feel my legs, dont know where i was going because everything was so blurry. and my brain was numbed, and you know how you felt everything was ‘double’, walking but feeling like you could almost fall because you cannot feel the floor. and i cant hear myself talking. i think i was just mumbling God, God.

for a good 5 minutes, i just sat down on the sofa, closed my eyes, hugging a pillow cushion because my heart was pounding so hard and that desperate need to comfort my self and telling my self it was going to be ok. i coaxed myself to breathe in and out slowly, try to get back my senses.

touched my back again just to feel where the pain was, and whether bones still intact (of course it is right, i’ve walked across the kitchen to the loving room!). once my breathing and heart beat steadied, tried to stand up but sharp pains again, walked into my room, another long moments passed and still had those double visions again, slowly lay on my bed. i guess, that’s how a body reacts to shock. sleep for recover.

i couldnt stand up long for the next few hours, without feeling nausea and legs shaking a bit. i was not able to pray standing, only sitting the whole way.

it was quite a horrific experience for me. but i guess that was it, all the movements, the loadings and unloadings, energy drained, and without realising, perhaps the brain is tired too, lost some balance and fell.

i even still contemplated going to work the next day, tuesday. i thought i was strong enough, but getting in and out of pants was painful. Suhaimi already told me to go to the clinic. and so i did. yes, alone on my own. limping and telling myself to be strong, and walked all the way to the clinic pretty slow. but i made it. GP-Poly for xray-GP again and finally home. walking had never been such a chore. by the time i reached home, took a prescribed painkiller, which made me drowsy. i was already just exhausted from the whole ordeal, i just slept the whole day.

today marks the seventh day since i fell. the pain is still there. although i feel much better. i still cant walk too fast.

but it was not the end of it, because i fell. again. last friday at my workplace. and this time, i could feel my left feet and ankle ‘folded’ itself because of missing a step. again. seriously Seri. stop this clumsiness.

so now my left feet hurts and right side hurts, i am limping and i dont know which side is stronger.

it was a cry for help. it was a cry for Seri, please slow down.

at the end of it, i am grateful and really thank Allah, that it was not the worst that could happened. i could not imagine how it would be like if it had been worst.

I am thankful i can still walk, i am thankful that my body has always been strong and always managed to pull back up again. i am thankful that perhaps, it is just a sign for me to rest and recover. i am thankful that i could still ask for His Forgiveness and live another day. that perhaps this is a sign for forgiveness.

Thank You.