misery.loves.its.company

When times are hard and lonely

pull my self back

/ livingseri / Leave a comment

2017 has been hell of a welcome. quite a roller coster of emotions and mental peaking on and off. these two months has been such a difficult time for me i almost crashed and burnt.

i am not in a healthy state mentally and emotionally to record the life i went through for the past months. but suffice to say i am healing my self. i need to be silent for a few days to allow myself to recall who i am and why i am here, because i feel like im going down at such speed that if i don’t step back, i could damage everything and lose it.

already i am having headaches almost daily. i cannot think straight and make proper decisions. sometimes i hear people talking but then i blanked out and i couldnt understand what they are saying. like i need to stop and listen to whoever is talking say it out one by one. i cannot be fast paced anymore because i couldnt decide properly. i start to have doubts and not taking risks. i couldnt decide what is better for anyone or anything to do with work anymore. i couldnt finish my work fast enough.

i really feel like i need to just literally stop doing anything. because i have so much dedication for this whatever it is i am doing, if i don’t stop, im just going to fall off the cliff.

please, allow me to have some breathing space and pull my self back.

Just Be, Seri

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finally.

a saturday to chill. the start to what i call for my self my sabbatical week.

i have made it a point to take a week’s off from work every december (i think this is my third year doing this) to do a few things.

it’s not for holiday travels because my travel months seems to be either march april or september october periods.

it is my sabbatical week where i took time to devote myself to the house like cleaning and rearranging and throwing stuffs, material detox in that manner i should say. most days i, we, dont always get to clean the house properly apart from the weekly menial housechores. we just tend to dump everything in some wardrobe or shelf. so this is the time for me to go through my things and sort them out. just really keep things organized and in perspectives. sometimes i would give away clothes or threw expired stuffs or sell them away to carousell. and satisfaction every time.

i take this week to also learn and relearn. anything to do with my line of work which means either the education line and/or the religious line. i take it as my refresher periods because it is easy to drown one self into the demands of paper work and people’s expectations and forget why you are doing this line in the first place. things can get a bit mundane and when i start to read either books or articles on education, learnt something new and get myself excited and motivated to do it all over again.

i take this week to strip myself of my own expectations and limiting beliefs, open up my nlp workbooks and re-instate my thoughts and unconscious mind. it’s when i put myself back together, throw away negative thoughts and prepare myself for the year ahead.

but i also take a bit of time to do some planning and visualise the projects that we could do. the kinds of personal development that i want to achieve.

and just focus on my time and HIM. bring back habits if they falter along the way. humble my self because we always forget. i miss my talks to HIM. and every year i need guidance from HIM, because eventually what i do, is because of where HE puts me in life.

but lately i am beginning to think it’s just an excuse i keep telling myself. perhaps i am afraid of moving out of this comfort zone and not willing to venture out by saying that no one is able to take the job i am doing. perhaps i am just lying to myself. i need to find answers. perhaps now is the time.

anyway, looking forward to the week ahead. and perhaps more blogging period! i have so many things to talk and update. other people’s lives look so exciting than mine. but! i do have to be grateful with my experiences. and make life interesting!

you have to make it to live it. life doesn’t come to you. you know how they say live life to the fullest. but how do i do it? how do i live my life to the fullest?

make gratitude. make memories. make laughters. make smiles. make love 😛
make my self body heart and mind feel and be whole again.

just Be, Seri.

collective pain

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it has been a year of sickness for me. that’s 33 for me. i had some pain ordeal going through some wisdom tooth and gum infection in july. and just barely two months, im back on the sick bed. this time nursing a bad bout of diarrhea from food poisoning. and this is a collective epidemic. some 30 of us, staff and volunteers had dinner catered from a regular caterer on wednesday night. come thursday morning, apparently a lot of us were visiting the toilets and some even went to a&e, perhaps more severe than most.

in fact, i went to work on thursday morning, thinking it was just something mild and would go away by the day. i was thinking maybe it was just me because i did eat some hot maggi curry leftovers from husband’s dinner. i was already filling up my stomach with so many different things. i thought it was just me.

ended up my colleagues were having stomach pains too and we start to receive news that about 3 of the volunteers were hospitalised.

i couldnt stand the day, by half day, i had to go back because i was already shivering and growing weaker. i thought i could go visit the doc on the way back home, but walking down that field to the mrt station already made me feel dizzy and i wasnt able to even stand for a long time. decided to go back home straight and i literally dropped my self on the bed. i was having stomach pains, diarrhea, a huge headache and shivering, not knowing whether i am cold or hot. slept through the day. feeling almost weak, but forced myself to wake up and have a shower, have some drink. i was feeling somewhat hungry but the abdominal pain took over. i think i didnt eat proper for two whole days. tried to eat bread though.

my emotions went a bit disturbed too. especially when husband don’t seem to take my sickness seriously. he kept forgetting to buy me things i needed. the first night, i sent him a message asking him to buy panadol on the way home. as usual, he was back home so late and ended up not buying any panadol. i was so frustrated that i think my anger gave me the strength to get up and rummaged through cupboards and our travel packs, i literally rummaged coz i was ‘throwing’ things when i couldnt find any panadol. he ended up calling up sil and found a pack in her room. i was sulking bad, because of a panadol!

Second day, still visiting the toilet few times through the night. woke up feeling determined to go to the doctor but was really dreading the walk down the neighbourhood hub. went out early and amazed my self with being able to walk all the way, although i stopped half way at a bus stop to have a seat because i was starting to feel drowsy. still i managed to reach the doc just minutes before it actually opened. so i was third in line. going back was hard though. felt really weak, i couldnt even stand up long to queue for breakfast at kfc.

again, just on the bed for the rest of the day. this time, hubby forgot to buy 100plus drink and sigh, i didnt know why but i burst into sobbing tears! such a sad story! i think it shocked him too he went back out straightaway to buy them.

by saturday, i was feeling a bit better, i have to be though because i have work to do = teachers day dinner and purchasing some last minute gifts for lucky draws.

being at work made me forget about the pain. i pulled through. even though i wasnt eating any of the food, except for a few mouthfuls of macaroni salad. i dint touch any of the desserts, i barely drank. but i was on the move. making sure the hall was set up, wrapping up the gifts, even gave a last minute speech on stage. i have to admit, i was very thankful that one of the noja was really very helpful around and the emcee, who is one of our regular volunteers, was able to livened up the atmosphere with his jokes. really thankful for these people. and i was also very relieved that my teachers did not attend the meeting on wednesday and ate the same food i ate, because if all of us were down, i don’t think we can manage the event. as always, they were my strength.

but this ordeal has made me appreciated the food we eat, praying every time before eating that the food is eventually health for the body, rizq from Allah. and to honestly see the significance of reading the do’a before and after eating. really.

time alone

/ livingseri / Leave a comment

i know. I’ve been repeating a lot about how much i need to recuperate as an introvert. i really did. it is important to me that i have this alone time because otherwise i really could not function.

i will not be able to be productive and efficient at work. i cannot move forward. i cannot make decisions and my mind is just floating somewhere up there unsure of how or where to move. i lost appetite. i drink sweet drinks like an alcoholic and risk my whole body itching, already I’m having scars on my legs. and worst is, my spiritual obligations are challenged, which i cannot let that happen. i know the symptoms already. i need to recharge and revalue my self.

and i have to say i have been ignoring my self care since all the visits i have been receiving and having guests, continuing to do work and of course the major korban event at the mosque and then the bbq, its just too much socialising, i honestly have not spared a thought for myself. so last sunday, honestly, my mind just have what i would say a mental shutdown. for a first time in my life, my work life actually, i just said to myself, i have had it i am not going to work today and i don’t care if I’m breaking any rules because i think i will be more wasted if i really dragged myself to work. i will end up doing nothing and just staring at my laptop, unable to do any work done. i just did.

of course, my rationale would be i came back to work during my off day some days ago. if you don’t seem to understand why i am working on a sunday, its ok, long story.

i am on a three days leave now since yesterday thursday. i got to do my own things, do some alterations to my dresses. sewing is so much hard work but i love the sound of the sewing machine. and the fact that i can sew in straight lines now is a huge achievement. its almost like a therapy too.

cooped up in my condo today with lovely hubby who also needed the time off from work cause he’s been deadly busy. although he is on call and ready to be at his work corner anytime he’s called up, which is about now.

i love this room. i really am. surrounded by my books and seated at my wooden desk. i feel inspired already. i need to update my libib and probably start planning on free library corner ideas I’ve been having lingering in my mind.

grateful for this chance to recuperate. wholly.

Your God’s Love

/ livingseri / Leave a comment

i am in pain.
honestly.
and if anyone asked how does it feel to have a papsmear checkup? i would tell her its a nightmare.
it still is.
and no, i am NOT going to give you details about it. and NEVER will.
my level of pain tolerance was 0.
and like the crybaby i have ever been, the moment i see my mother, i burst into tears like there is no tomorrow.

but what i want to tell you here is how Allah sent me comfort and companion throughout the ordeal.
i went there alone with the innocent thought of it would be a normal checkup. but when it was not, i am just glad that there was a male doctor who lent his right hand to be ‘crushed’ by me and two female nurses who cared for me not leaving me alone for the next half hour i was left to rest in the doctor’s room. and one of them a Muslim nurse, whom i could ask some intimate questions.

and what are the odds that when i was well enough to walk, feeling alone and in pain and still feeling like i can faint anytime, i went to the taxi stand with not enough cash (although i asked my little sis to wait downstairs with some cash to help pay the taxi fare). with a long queue, i turned around and see a malay lady queuing behind me. i asked her. ‘Kak, could you save me this queue, i need to sit.’ she smiled and she said no problem, go ahead and sit.
and then, she asked, where i lived, i gave her my parents’ home and surprise surprise, she lived nearby, clearly, Hougang Ave 8 blk 677, why not we take the same taxi?

I am truly touched and I know this is God’s work. i am so grateful with His help when i was in pain and in need. Thank You Allah for taking care of me.

Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah.

selfish thoughts

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i know. i am very sleepy now. i am exhausted beyond comprehension. ok that is exaggerated. but i just want to lay on this bed and read and do nothing else. i still managed to stirfry some vegetables for dinner, folded laundry and ironed a shirt but for everything else, i just had it. no one even bothers to clear the garbage. at times like this, i dont even care myself. i worked hard and tried hard. i just need some understanding and care.

seriously. no one cares.

letting the cables sleep

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i know why i am feeling this melancholic feeling. it could be due to the overwhelming things i have to complete and the many other things that are bugging my brain. so i go back to that time in the past where i was fighting with my finding who i really am. and then i start listening to songs from the past feeding the emo, so to speak. because i feel like that is where i need to be. because that was a time i believed i knew who i am. it had never changed since then. it was a matter of adjusting, adapting and finding a balance to what i really am now. i was not perfect. it was a difficult balance. and if i want to find that balance, then just maybe this job is not the right job for me because it requires me to be perfect. and i am not. never will be.

this could also be due to this biological mess of irregularities and hormonal reflexes keeps making me teary eyed at every single thing and single thought. i am back to either having that rebellious streak or that of bringing myself down. arrgghhh this constant fight. how do i tear myself away from all these? i feel like im only putting on a mask. you know i am not functioning well rationally from what i am writing now. p.e.n.a.t.

so maybe this song will help. speaking of which, where are all these bands??!

hard times

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i cannot sleep.

my brain is occupied with a lot of things. i am still recovering from my fever, still having those headaches and weak feeling you know. but back at work, as if angered by my medical leaving, i was bombarded by so many issues. i hated that i had to receive calls after calls and replying to now what seem to be trivial emails.

it seems like one after another things keep crashing on me. student problems are becoming an everyday staple and a huge gobsmacked at the back of my mind. seriously. i have not had a peaceful week, that i do not think or worry about a student problem. why am i the one to have to bear all these? i could very well fall back into high fever if i am not careful. oh well, now i have to think about teacher problems as well. as if the students are not giving me enough headache! too many things happening at the same time is making my body and brain go all haywire. i have 39.9 degree of body temp to remind me.

but practising nlp, i need to reframe this mind. redo my anchoring because somehow it is not helping at this point of time, i still feel anxious. really, reframe my mind because otherwise i go back to being a basket case. i need to sit quietly and think. i managed to have a quick reframing just now during my journey to class which surprisingly managed to change 180* of my mood. i was going to dread class but the reframing made me came to class with a positive mind because i need to absorb the lesson well.

i can do it.

chai latte

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I am your minah teh tarik, kakak teh ais, and now your chai latte lady 😉

thank you to the babes, I tasted my virgin chai latte and instantly fell in love with the taste. especially after a hard day at work (ok, not really, a day at a course) and knowing I have a presentation I have yet to prepare the very next morning, I challenged the odds and spent a bit of time with girlfriends. because, well, we just needed it.

it was supposed to be a café hopping kind of gathering, but what how many cafes can we cover from 6.30pm onwards? well, 4 actually.

tiramisu hero has the best ambience, I Am have the best crepe, ogopogo for the oh so refreshing chai latte (and personally pretty vintage design as well) and hmm, I don’t know, your back to basics by the street café Nasrin for a fun polaroid session!

I am glad I spent a bit of time with them. oh yea, got to work on that social bit of thinking. I totally fail in this friendship/communication department. I have always been so quiet and yea, I get it, introvert, psychologically speaking. I have been blessed with some very understanding friends, I mean that is what friends are for, accepting the way you are. but I get frustrated with myself for rather being the listener than sharing my stories. I definitely take time, a long time, to get used to a person and open up to them. so like if my friends bring their other friends or spouse along, I kind of shut myself off. its a natural response. I do not have control over it, eh. I will work on this slowwwwly I promise. but when a cool friend says you’re cool too because of the music I listen to, well, that is a compliment for your timid little seri ok! haha!

to dear friends, thank you for knowing me and understanding my need to be quiet. I enjoy your company all the same. 🙂

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help. needed.

/ livingseri / Leave a comment

Im tired of always having to bring myself up whenever the motivation is low. I couldnt make it into a constant part of my life. Its like i can feel happy and positive and another instant, i feel so low and started crying without apparent reasons other than tired, up to a point that i wonder whether i am depressed and should seek medication.

Its a constant fight. My heart my mind my body my soul is like fighting not knowing which part of me to follow.

Is it this turning on 30? I look at other people amf thought they are doing better than me. I guess i am living others’ expectations towards me. It was never about me, is it? Like its about the mosque, its because of the children, the students, it is about the teachers, it is about who will take over if i leave. It is about who can do the job im doing now?

Sometimes im sick of working i just stare at my pc doing nothing.