misery.loves.its.company

When times are hard and lonely

going on 30

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I have been thinking these days. Quite random actually but its almost like a self reflection thinking.

I am going on 30. This year. I have been thinking have i acheived success thus far? Is this what i want to do? Is this good enough?
I have always thought i can do so much more. I am destined for bigger things. But what, i dont know yet.

Its just that apart from working and helping my family now and then, financial wise i am not there yet. I am not into luxury and fashionable items but i do look to travelling. I am twenty years away from half a century and i dont know if by that time i am financially free. I am saving up now. But it would be nice to see my money grow. And it would be really nice to be able to do zakat every year.

You know what my dream is? For my whole family to do haji together. Alhamdulillah my parents have gone to umrah but i aim for haji for them and the rest of us. And then travel see the world together.

And then there’s the success part. Do i still see myself ‘here’? Doing the same thing every year. Or is there something out there for me to explore? I definitely still have the study part to accomplish which i havent got to do yet due to the savings.

What about my husband? He has the money. But yes he has the house to think about and because we are sandwiched in income we had to get something which if i have had a better pay, it would help a lot but no. The daily needs of our lives. as a wife, it is only right that i depended on him. but Well, simply because being me, i am an independent person. I was that before i got married and i would like to stay that way, being the X generation woman that i am.

What if i am not working in the next five years? What if, God forbids, realistically speaking, my husband….you know…lifespan. I really cannot imagine life without him. Oh Lord, i need him. Please grant us strength and health. And that’s another thing: the wife role. I have always been thinking whether i am doing enough to fulfill my responsibilities. I am trying to juggle this working wife role. Maybe i am harsh on myself but i do not think i am doing great in this department!

Oh woman.

that greenday song

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Yeah, wake me up when september ends?! It has become such a popular statement that it was getting frustrating when almost everyone i know put that up as their status updates. For one thing i did not want september to end! Literally in the reality.

Because my october is such a chaos! Of course there is nothing i can do about it aye. Metaphorically im running throughout october! And no stopping till end of november. Time flies so fast.

One thing after another starts from the registration period. And now speeding through for the edufest, which, why was i in that in the first place? But going through the motion all the same with all those freaking changes happening all the time. We all did our best and now is to pray and hope it all goes well. Because really, we all went through so many sacrifices. It was not part of our jobscope meaning these are actually extra hours put on and some hours had to be taken away from our daily responsibilities, it is no doubt voluntary at some costs. While i enjoy the experience and the challenges, going to different mosques for the meetings, it is taking some toll on me, and perhaps the rest of the committees too. But all the same, i pray everything goes well and yes the weather to be on our side.

And so this month is also korban month. So hello me, the awkward post for an awkward mosque event (head of edu = coordinator of korban) no where near my line of work. Haha. But it is what it is as long as there is no other officer who can do a good job as me 😉

The bittersweet news for this year’s korban is only 16 mosques was audited and allowed to do korban. My mosque wasnt one of them so we got to ‘rest’ a bit this year! Not totally for me because we have to send a bit of help to another neighbouring mosque. Technically im still working for this korban but a whole load taken off because the other mosque will be doing the major work.

And simultaneously between all these is the registration matters i have to settle. And it frustrates me that some teachers still made mistakes even though handling certain levels for the current students, like double entries in two classes, heck, even in the same class u will see two same names! I cannot stand this kind of work lah. I have to double check every single names now, when i have told them tonnes of times to be careful and dilligent about these! There’s about 800 names i have to go through. And they are taking a tad too long to settle all those unreturned forms and the loss of forms and part timers not doing exactly what we asked them to do and what nots!

the next person who’s going to say my job is just sitting around in front of the pc…damn right i am doing just that! So dont compare my job with yours. Just because you move around doing things doesnt make your job any harder than mine.

And sorry to say the office is becoming a place of ‘my job is more difficult than yours’ everyone trying to ‘proof’ he or she is doing more than the rest? What do you guys think ive been doing all this while? Play games?! And while most of you are having a nice family time at home on weekends, i face battles on them days so you dont see what happens around here. You dont see the kind of students i have to deal with, heck, the kind of teachers i have to deal with! But that’s another story for another day.

Breathe in breathe out. October november please be kind and may Allah grant me health for these two months for i really cannot be sick in these hectic times.

I guess i have to tuck in now. My off day tmrw but i’ll be going back to work for a meeting supposedly for the parttimers but i dont know who’s coming and who’s not and it frustrates me because we MADE time for them. Im having a huge headache at the back of my mind and hopes it goes away in the morning.

dugaan duniawi

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this month doesnt seem to be my month, tech-wise.

i found out my hard disk, in which, i had thousands of docs saved inside there, songs, pictures and charmed series was broken somewhere inside the hardware. my husband tried so many things but was unable to revive it. thus, i had to go for professional help to recover my documents.

and today, of all days, after all these times, my precious iphone had to crack on me.
and it was utter carelessness because i was holding so many things, i was trying to dig inside my bag for the stupid ezlink card. and my iphone slipped off my hand. ultra shocked when it cracked, in malay, retak seribu! and the only thing that is holding it together is the screen protector.

but i realised, i have been a bit clumsier these days, i almost tripped myself while going down the stairs at mrt station, i always tripped over this wiring thingy at the office, and my colleague noticed i had a red bloodshot in my right eye, which i cant remember how i got it or what caused it. and forgetting where i put my specs, despite having three pairs of them.

brain exhaustion or what?
on the bright side, i am looking forward to a short trip to phuket with dear for our 2nd anniversary!

of course, this month has been so good, how can it not be? it’s my wedding month! 🙂

and then there’s the royal couple visit, the uss visit with  my teachers. it’s been good.

alhamdulillah. 🙂

ten days

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preparing myself mentally and emotionally for hubby will be away to China next week for ten days. i know its not the first time he went for a work trip. he went to US last year, but still. i will be missing him loads!! ten whole days! and i feel like just curling myself at home for that ten days wrapped in his shirt and sleep at his side of the bed, listen to his fave songs and putting on his cologne and just stare at his pictures…ok ok im exaggerating…heheh i pray for his safety there but i worry of what kind of meal he will get because he has a rather sensitive digestive system, its either a stomachaches or coughs. pray for his wellbeing and i just want him back safe. otherwise work will occupy me, but im starting to think now, that a rest at home and do some serious housechores would be good for my system. but depends…its the school holidays but i am nowhere near free. i definitely need a massage sometime. i think i deserve that at least! and i cant wait for langkawi trip with Ipah and cik bandi’s family. im already thinking of food actually!! ok, by right, i have nothing else interesting to say except that i will miss my husband a lot tahap giban while he’s away for his trip. but i find this sweet, he downloaded the whole 8 seasons of charmed and a new series called once upon a time so that i will have something to accompany me should i cant sleep at night. but abang, its not like i can watch all of them in ten days! but its the thought that counts. 😉 ps: looking around my four walls, i really should consider taking leave for serious clean up of this room!

the mishaps of coins and kains

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Fyuhh what a friday!!

I woke up this morning, very early in fact, after subuh and hubby left for work, i thought i would just laze around for a short while and arrange my time for the day properly.

It’s just me. i cannot go through the day without mentally arranging my tasks or even foreseeing and trying to expect the unexpected. like for work, i will imagine how it’s going to be like and what are the pending things that i wish to complete. even saturdays! oh that is even more worse. the images will come up the night before, and then i can sleep. haha. sometimes i feel like an obsessive perfectionist freak except im more tolerant to mistakes and remain calm….

ok anyway, after trying to arrange my day, an hour’s nap, woke up like a robot man. like straightaway to the kitchen and do laundry, swept and mopped, clear the stove of leftovers and the sickly cat Tiger had to literally give shit to me, ok, in front of me!! braved myself to clean it because i cannot stand it being in my way around the kitchen. eeeyyyyyeeeeewwww. i dont know, the cat is sick anyway. and it’s an animal, you cant get angry at it because it’s just a cat… i pity him actually, he used to be THE VOICE around the house, but i think he’s gotten something in his throat, he cant meow anymore. he tried but he knows he cant and i think he got the cat version of amnesia or something coz he forgot he had to shit at the litterbox and forgot he had eaten because he kept on ‘asking’ for food. enough about poor Tiger.

So the mishaps of the coins and the kains begin. I knew i had to do this two errands today, in fact the coins has been on my mind for the whole week!
The coins? it was me and mostly hubby’s savings of loose change we had for the past months. the blue teddy coinbank was full and it’s just time to put them in my acct. what i didnt expect was how heavy it was going to be!! i’m literally lugging the coins!
The kains? well i was to buy white and black cloth for a hajj supplementary lesson for this weekend’s teens classes. white for ihram and black for the kaabah. so in my mind, i dread i might have to go geylang to get the cloths.

so the mishaps began right when i stepped out.

i had pre-imagined myself using the coin deposit atm at kovan. because they had one at heartland mall and i thought ok there’s popular and another small bookstore where i could grab the Hunger games trilogy books, as recommended by my girlfriend Mary.

So my mind was reeling with trying to make a decision for the coins because of course, i could also go straight to the bank just across the neighbourhood. i am already lugging this bag of coins and my shoulder is already screaming aching because it’s so heavy! my body says no i cannot tahan taking the Nel to Kovan and having to deposit the coins at the machine, just walk down there right now go to the bank and be served by a smiling banker. BUT my brain was actually thinking, using the coin deposit would saved me half of the service charges! can you believe that?!! So ok, this time the brain got its way. i eventually decided to just go for it, go to Kovan and do the coin machine! imagine an old crumpled bowing lady walking carrying a big bag of rice, im like that..

ok now is a sidetrack but it had to happened. you know how the mrt has two exits at different ends of the station? and the exits are, of course far from one another. and usually the mrt staff stationed at the control station will be at just one end.? i hope you get what i mean coz i dont know how else to describe them. so i decided to go from the one at the interchange, which somehow this mind thinks it’s nearer than the normal exit i always choose, yea, because of the heavy bag remember? now this is not the exit with the control station. ok i tapped my ezlink card, and the screen turned red! saying it was mismatched or something. i tapped a few times and same red screen came up!! i cant go in!

my mind is screaming! because i will have to go to the control station right at the other end to get my card checked by the mrt staff!! with these coins! maintained, still not crying yet, just go la.

reached kovan, thankfully. and then it struck me, hey there’s a market at Kovan, my old neighbourhood and maybe there’s still a cloth shop!! i saw a ray of hope. because kovan market had gone through some changes and i didnt know whether the old shops are still there. went to the market and thank god there’s kain shop!! with the same familiar nyonya! (of course she didnt remember me) i was so happy i dont have to go Geylang after all! so still lugging the coins, i thought i would deposit my coins first and then buy the kain, but i need to check with the nyonya what time they close shop. so checked my watch, figured i have about 1 and a half hour or so to go do my coins and come back to the shop.

now im at the atm. it was a long queue. apparently everyone wants to bank in their coins. haha. but alas, i forgot that i’m supposed to activate my new atm card which came in the mail a week ago with the specific message that my current atm card will be automatically deactivated…on… today! so now i’m scrambling because my sister havent given me the pin number which posb supposed to send me. have a quick sms, she gave me a scare by saying there’s no letter received and then checked again and apparently it came with the mail and smsed me the number. that’s not even the best thing happened, because when i tried to activate it, i dont know why it kept on telling me activation was not approved!! and there’s already a queue behind me! last resort, checked me old atm and alhamdulillah still functioning. so having $50 at hand i dont worry much and thought it would be enough for the cloth.

back at the coins deposit. i keyed on everything, put in my first bag of 50cent coins. the frustrating part was, my coins kept on going to the reject slot!!you dont know how i just want to scream at the machine!!! and after everything that happened earlier!! so you know what, i gave up!! and the nyonya behind me already giving me the look. i wished i can tell her to piss off, dont give me that look. so whatever small number of 50cents in i just entered, confirmed, collected those in the reject slot, back in my bag and ended the transaction! my bag not even half less the weight!

LUGGGGGEDDDDD the bag again to the market. told nyonya what i wanted…waited for a while coz she had to cut up 22 pieces of 2.5 yard of cloths. while waiting, i asked nyonya how much its going to cost me? guess what??? it cost me a hefty sum of $150!! i was ultra shocked!! i asked her again, really ah auntie??!! you check again ah! but of course she’s correct kan!! i have only $50!! auntie you can take NETS? of course not lah kan, ni pasar…. stupid me had to go back to that atm, silently praying hard they havent deactivated my old atm otherwise i dont know how to pay her!! oh by the way, auntie going to close shop soon. lugged the bag again back to atm. and alas…..alhamdulillah, old atm still can use… i now i could leave the bag at auntie’s shop but i cant risk it.

so now, i also did not anticipate that the kains are going to be damn heavy also!! with two red bags and a heavy coins bag, off i go back to the NEL and back at hougang!!

back at old nice hougang central and served by luckily a gentle lady banker…my shoulder sighed with relief after the coins are deposited. my GOD!!! so i thought i would go ntuc buy some groceries, but with two heavy bags of cloth, mcm nak campak je!! so balik terus la ye! bye bye ntuc.

i literally campak the kains once i reached my home, room and just landed on my bed and just stayed like that for the next 15 mins.

what a day!! what a day.

my prior pre imagination doesnt work for me today. i dont know. it;s just one of those days. you planned, but it doesnt work the way you want it.

for coins and kains. i pray i dont have to face thhis situation again! and never going to use coin deposits and never underestimate kains!

good night!

shortest break

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happy holidays for two days! 🙂

i keep confusing the days. i keep on thinking its wednesday when its already thursday. and friday tomorrow..after that saturday the busiest day of my weeks. and we have been watching chinese movies and miotv has been generous that we get to watch big bang theory series~ especially love red cliff 1 and 2. it gives me the same feeling as when i watch lord of the rings. victory for the good sides but tugs at the heart for all the people who had to fight in the battle.

heh, whatever, i’m just glad that i get to spend the day with my abang. it’s been a rush this week sending mil and sil for the eye and leg checkup. mom just had an operation on her left eye and thankfully progressing well now. and i had a sudden high fever but feeling much better now.

work has been smooth so far at the moment. of course with a few glitches here and there but i pray that i will overcome this challenges with wisdom and hikmah. one year on the job has taught me well. it’s all about improvements this year. and i am grateful that i have a group of teachers who are able to work together, much better to say the least, compared to other divisions. other than that, i have to be so much more assertive. definitely. and there are a few things i wish to accomplish this year. giving myself one year to prove that i’m worth the job.

so this month is rabiul awal. the birth month of our Prophet s.a.w.
and i realised i have been too much engrossed with work and what nots, i will spend this month reading books on the Prophet, remember him any moment i can and relieved those feelings of love to him. so help me Lord.

let’s see which book to read….

runny nose

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so i’m having a runny nose at the moment, when my nose is not running anywhere. heh. ok, it’s the panadol kicking in. but it’s so sudden this virus. i didnt think i’ve been near anyone who was ill.

i have to stop this shopping spree but i think it’s just that time of the year.

abang is doing some work, so i thought i’d log in and do some work as well. let’s see, budgetting done, programme planning done…waiting for the youth’s progs…oh yea, listing out jobscopes for the level coordinators. a lot of things to do aye first month of the year.

oh by the way, i though i enjoyed reading mcalister’s steampunk novel…but it’s quite draggyy, i think i’ll read it fast enough with skipping some pages, heh…i have my eye on a new book: you lead, they’ll follow 😉

monday morning

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Assalamualaikum~

good morning people!

it is, no doubt, a monday morning when school reopens today and public transports return to its hustle and bustle of crowdedness, and students and adults rushing to work…except me (and maybe a few other fortunate people out there)

i took leave today.

and i hear the birds chirping and the neighbourhood cleaner sweeping at the park, and the sound of people walking, occassionally i heard mandarin conversations and the sound of bus 112.

wahh…seri macam nak tulis essay for O Level ah. 🙂 hehe.

but yes, after almost 3 months of not blogging and missing it a lot, this morning i woke early despite sleeping in late last night and somehow i couldnt sleep again, i thought, why not blog? before i start on some work. i definitely need time alone to rejuvenate my soul and re-motivate myself.

work is ridiculous. it was the june holidays but i except for a one day off in lieu i took, it was pretty much the same work schedule, even finishing work later than usual! what’s with the courses taking up much of my time from work. i have plans to work out, reports to do and library arrangements to work out and youth events to keep up to date since some other colleague seems to need to be pushed to do, and finding trainers to fill up my shoes and relief trainers to find as well. it is a lot to do and sometimes i feel very much irritated when other people seems to take things lightly. this is nasty me comparing myself…i could count with my fingers my off or leave or null-mc since day one i started work at this mosque. and my heart body and soul is dedicated to this work, there’s so many works that needed to be done and some people actually claimed their rights of a holiday, when face it, their working hours are much lesser than expected! given too much leeway already! i understand them and the least i’m asking from them is spare a small priority to the pending tasks.
and nowadays, i feel more tired than usual and its got nothing to do with the world cup.

ok let’s stop. it’s definitely a nice morning and i thank Lord for giving me this and i do not want to spoil the serenity.

i pray for better days and the near future change might be a doorway to more changes. and i hope my significant other will always be there to support me. it’s a lot of hardwork. but nobody said marriage is easy. and truth be told, i’m feeling anxious already with the preparations and that there’s many things i havent done.

to everyone out there, spare a do’a for me.
thanks.

have a great week ahead. insya Allah.

handle with care

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i’m indulging myself in jodi picoult’s handle with care and perhaps cure this sadness and crushed feeling i’d been having the whole week. and just trying to forget the whole thing and bring myself up to face whatever needs done next.

it made me wonder why am i doing all this? what is it i want to achieve out of all this hard work? when in one ear fiery remark can tore your heart. but like a senior adviced, don’t show your emotions and stay strong. and here i am, being strong. as always.

the thing is, if my being busy is my mistake and a bad reason to not have called, as opposed to parents’ -quote-busy the whole year-unquote- well with all due respect to all parents out there, let’s do the math:
i am busy because i have other 600 students(as oppose to two teens) to care for and making sure they really learnt what they should have been learning at home in the first place.
i am busy because i have 600 students to discipline and learn how to respect, when parents don’t show that they respect other people.
i am busy because i have 1200 parents’ bizarre expectations and demands to sanely deal with.
i am busy because i have 5-DIGITS dollars of unpaid fees to think of recovering.
i am busy because i have 9 team members who i have to keep together to be able to deliver the job in the most perfect manner. and i mean perfect.
i am busy because i have only 365 days in a year to save my ass before 600 students and 1200 parents made me accountable when facing HIM after a lifetime.

so do i apologise for being busy?

i am not saying my responsibility is any bigger or harder than parents. no. their responsibility and busy-ness is of utmost nobility. but with that nobility, i do not think it gives parents the high and mighty-ness to snap at me or any other asatizah. if i can show them all respect, as i have been taught by my own parents, couldnt they give a speck of that to us? i mean, please, enlighten me, i do not understand why cant there be mutual respect?

well i am not generalising, this happened among some, while many others have been very supportive and i am truly truly grateful of that.

and i hope there is no one out there who’s hurt by this post of mine, but if the reader happens to be a parent, let’s think about it…why do we always complain when teacher did so much. why are we unable to respect teachers, no matter how young they are when they are taking a portion of the burden of educating the children?

my parents have never shown disrespect to my and my sibs’ teachers. and we’ve learnt that. and i pray that when i have children, i will respect their teachers.

i am but a small fry in this world.