seize.the.day

When we do something impromptu

purge

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i have been on a ‘purge’. in a way.

for the past month, i have been feeling like i am burdened with so many materials, guilty of spending without purpose and just frustrated with the thought that i might keep buying but really I’ve only been using the same old few because simply i really love them. and then wondering when the toots i am going to wear or use the rest.

and so i guess age does it, you know you start to know what type of clothes you’re comfortable with, the design perhaps, the material especially, the colours. and for our case, shawls upon shawls. sometimes i hate myself for buying and then realising i don’t really like the colour or the material or the length. you somehow become fussy, but really, it’s just being practical with who i am and what i want to wear.

i can safely say i have stopped buying (too many) shawls from certain ‘brands’ because let’s face it, how many shawls does one really need?? i honestly ended up using the same few. so i have this three tier ikea plastic drawer, and i have sworn to myself that since the drawers are filled to the brim, i really don’t need anymore. so let’s just wear them till whenever that is, perhaps the colour fades or burnt at the iron. and im keeping the drawer as the benchmark, really. should probably be able to last for the next two- three years i would say.

so i went through a mountain of it, and gave away a whole lot (some sold at TheLuggageMarket). in fact i think i can give away some more. and believe me, they are all in good condition. but that’s another day.

then i move on to the clothes. pants and blouses and dresses. same thing, go through everything to find those i really wear. sold some and sent to the recycling. and it’s a good thing that there’s always collection of used clothes and items done by a recycle company for donation purpose. so we just pack them all, put aside and they will collect it right from our doorstep.

and it’s a relief to see the wardrobe actually having a lot of space after all that sorting. husband’s too did not escape my adrenaline. took out all his unused shirts and put them in a box that we can stow away on top of our wardrobe. he has attachment issues, i don’t. what i don’t like i don’t keep. he takes awhile to decide. that’s it i keep them for him. but it’s good measure because his unused shirts will turn out to be what i wear at home. so im good and clothed and that will last for the next few years haha.

clear my bags. same procedure.

and the best one: i finally had the time to rearrange my books! decided to arrange and separate the ones i have read and those i haven’t (or haven’t finish reading or newly bought). and my, wasn’t i in for a big surprise?! only 1/4 of the books on these shelves are read!! i totally slumped. staring at them books. like i’m sorry i have not read you guys. and i promise. i promise i will reach out to you first before i even think of buying any. because here. here is my loves. and so yea, the books could last me for the next few years, depending on how fast i can read them all. a couple of them was sent (for a new lease of love and hope, i hope, by someone else who would read and love them) to a cause called Books Beyond Borders. i have been following them on their IG for a while and always thought its a good initiative, to support education in Nepal. i mean they don’t bring the books there by are reselling them to support their cause. im so glad i finally have the chance to donate some books.

and then what else did i do?

oh yeah, went through my stationery and crafts items too. so sad that i haven’t really have the time to indulge in my hobbies. i hope i can some time soon. but for now, i cleared out many of the items. a lot of it i gave to friends who do crafts as well, gave to the mosque edu unit and to the youth group coz they like to decorate their noticeboard, so it will be just the right things to use for that. i haven’t even go through my stickers and journal items yet. one good thing was i have not been buying any crafts items for the past year, except for the time i did a photo collage for my nephew’s one year birthday.

i am just truly satisfied i manage to clear them. clear of mind as well, as they say. feels nice to see some space in these four walls and realising that i have enough, more than enough. alhamdulillah. im settled actually. i really don’t need to spend anymore for the time being.

apart from this cleaning purge, i also unsubscribe to many mailing lists, unfollow brands (i mean nothing to lose here anyway, they keep their ig public so yea, if i think i need to browse to make myself sleepy, i could still go to theirs).

i go through my photos and delete those that doesn’t contribute to memory lane. i go through my contacts list, friends list, whatsapp groups, my emails and delete hundreds of whatever.

its a new decade, my age is catching up. let’s be realistic of what life has ahead and not material gains and be tied down with virtual demands.

hope this works well for 2020 onwards.

the age of craziness

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i picked this book out of nowhere. i probably seen it in some bookstagram account and thought the title sounds interesting. i had no expectations because i have never read karen thompson walker. and then i also came across the dreamers by the same author, i ended up borrowing both books. i realised i had marked it as ‘to read’ back in 2014!

i liked it when i first started reading it, and then a bit bored when i realised that perhaps this book is a young adult fiction (??), the protagonist is a twelve year old girl..and the story starts to feel repetitive. i turned on speed reading and skimmed through.

it really is the end of days kind of book..but through a ‘slowing’ and the eyes of a child. the struggle of living teenage confusion even in desperate times… it dreads and dragged a bit. picked up momentum somewhere towards the ending chapters. but then again, i felt oh lord, this could be how the end of days ‘look’ like. and then i shuddered. the author specifically mentioned

one day we heard a strange sound in the sky: a crinkling, a tearing, like cellophane rustling in the wind. it came from every direction….it was heard – some say felt….nothing was seen. whatever swirled in the atmosphere that day was invisible to human eyes

Chapter 30, The Age of Miracles, Karen Thompson Walker

i mean, girl, what is that? are you describing sangkakala?

sheeshh.

so i was trying to start borrowing books again, so i could maybe stop this crazy urge to keep on buying books. (saying this!!! after perhaps spending $300 on books from Times, Wardahbooks and Kinokuniya…yes in that order). in my defence, i deserved to spend on books because i was going through some triggered black mood and empathically impaired because i felt wronged and wanted to be selfish because in my narrowed mind, people are being selfish. did it make me happy? no. it didn’t. i feel sick.

is there a name for this disease?!

***

but then somehow, i downloaded the NLB app, which allows us to search for, find its availability and reserve, if deem to. and i found out (noob!) i can borrow and read ebooks! therefore, i may have suddenly discover the joy of reading ebooks (not having to bring sometimes heavy books around) and the convenience of reading news from the ST app (i mean i always feel i have not enough time to read the papers). ahh…the world in my hand…

i contemplated a kindle out of this new discovery, but decided against it… nope not yet…no shopping…

samsung galaxy note has really turned me into a smartphone geek. maybe audiobook soon. (yup, you can borrow audiobooks from NLB too!)

***

half year already people. be strong. have faith. persevere…..i feel like i have not done much. and i am running to capture as many tasks as possible. three months honeymoon passed. pretty ok but nothing significant. my days are counted here. on the other hand, i am looking forward for classes already. i worry i could go back to writing and reading slump if given ‘rest’ too long. this brain needs some serious exercise already!

a student again

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this is it.

you know how when we were younger, perhaps back when teenage hood has gotten the better of us and we start to dream and write goals or aims. or simply what we want to be when-we-grow-up. I’m not really that kind of person. i never knew what i wanted to be. it swayed from being a:

i. police officer (although i know i would chicken out at the sight of blood…already medicine line is nowhere touchable)

ii. teacher (probably what everyone wanted to be at that time especially when you admire a teacher, but i don’t know what i will be teaching because i don’t excel in any particular subject especially not Arabic although that would have been cool if i had mastered it back then)

iii. a writer because i did enjoy writing. for every teenage angst, there’s always that period of writing poems as a form-to-express-yourself. i remembered having exercise books writing ‘novels’ of unrequited love. lol.

and then somewhere along that period of uncertainty, i did part time at a community library and that was love love love. absolutely. i think i enjoyed work more than school then. and for the longest time now, when work became too overwhelming, i sometimes wonder why don’t i just go back to be surrounded by shelves and books.

perhaps. if i had been simple minded and wasn’t thinking of getting a degree, i would have been a librarian. and perhaps life would be very different now.

then the term ‘comparative religion’ caught my eye. i didn’t know when or how it happened. it was just that, maybe, i started to hear my seniors back then flying off to study and you got inspired and say wow!! cool!! go to Uni! and this utopian world called International Islamic University Malaysia seems to be THE place to go. destiny seemed to have paved some way for this i-don’t-know-what-i-want-to-be me. i almost decided, then, to be a comparative religion expert, maybe go all the way take masters and even PhD. be an academician, a researcher, anything to continue to indulge in my second love. i loved the world of reading, of finding out the unknown, of writing and making sense of my thoughts, of trying to understand why people believe.

enough reminisce. i succeed. i graduated. i was grateful for being had the chance to experience one of the most memorable 3 years of my otherwise normal introvert life. i went to work. (although that was another story to tell…) and then continued to work, doing perhaps item i, ii & iii thrown in altogether, if you think about it.

but nothing to do with my two loves. except i always known that i want to continue studying.

so while at a crossroads, and searching for my self (it’s a thirties thing—> turning.30) and what is it i want to do with life, when i think life is not going my way and why do i burdened myself with other people’s expectations. i somehow made myself submit an application to do Masters.

the first time i submitted, i got accepted. it was a nice surprise. but then i got sidetracked by the fees and thought i was not ready to do it. i did not accept the offer. although comforted in the knowledge that i am still qualified to do a Masters study.

the second time i submitted. i was not sure they would accept me. i leave it to Him. and that big orange envelope came again. i told myself i had to accept this. surely they will not accept me if i rejected this again and then submit another application the next year or something. it is now or never. just dive in and do it already! just do it for myself! after 11 years of slogging, take it as ‘rewarding’ myself! just do it and think of the consequences later. i am financially fine. i took that as a sign.

this is it. i am happy to call myself a STUDENT again.

a MASTERS student. in a third love – education.

who knew dreams could continue after 11 years?

ps: to commemorate this, i created another category for my masters journey. as per ‘tradition,’ it’s usually the song titles from fave bands. some of these had been from Muse, The Used, Finch.

<guiding.light> by Muse. welcome to Seri Studying Again.

i remember

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over the course of two nights, i have finally clear my iPhone/iCloud of the thousand of pics i had in it! and by clearing it means, downloading them into my Mac, per hundreds at a time, and then retransferring them to a thumb drive for safekeeping.

quite a number of steps to do it but it’s worth it. satisfaction!

i get to arrange them in folders accordingly and along the way, going through them one by one, reminisce here and there, had a smile and appreciating the moments before tucking them away for the next few months…or rather… the many intents on wanting to print them out and put in some physical album traditional way.

for a person who claimed that i don’t take many pictures because i prefer to lock the memories in my brain and feel the moment of that particular time, i do have a lot to remember.

alhamdulillah for a good life.

i think i can do this yearly, took photos and do a ‘review’ end year rearrange the photos into albums. and clear some space in my phone for new captured moments. nodding to myself. like opening a new door and be surprised by the breathtakingly beautiful view on the other side. its quite a therapeutic exercise. probably the decluttering phase people always have start of the year.

ps: the title this post came up because a song with the same title came up from my iTunes (as always on shuffle, and some genius good song comes up just at the right time, bewitched i think). i like the song because of…. guessed it… our boy Park Seo Joon. 😛

my december

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it’s a quiet afternoon. the sound of raindrops petters from the leftover rain, coming from the kitchen window. and weird, i thought i just heard a bird chirping. the air is cool and fresh. it’s quiet other than the sound of cars passing through wet concrete road.

pardon me for being selfish, but weekends like these are precious. too precious. reading a local author’s short stories or binge watching through some korean obsession i recently and sinfully acquire. spared some time to go through my year in my traveler’s journal and on parallel modes, preparing myself through filling up my 2019 journal. aaahhh… what a year it had been. and….what a year it will be.

i am secretly hoping that december will go really slowly. because i want to have lazy weekends for a week or two more. maybe three. many people asked if whether i am taking a long leave this month. in all honesty, i don’t need any long leaves for the month, i just need my weekends. people who understand how and where i work, would probably understand why. on normal circumstances/months, i almost never get a full weekend. except during the holiday months.

december is always a month to catch up on many things before january starts. it is the month where i try to complete many administrative and database matters before the academic year open its doors. and this year’s december, was double the rush because i took up an additional role. it’s an adrenaline rush.

but give me my weekend to recuperate, only then i think i can still stand strong and persevere. the title of the recent book i am currently reading is quite apt though. The desire for elsewhere. seeing almost everyone i know on trips to elsewhere made me miss my travels. i am surprisingly at peace and grateful. happy to see photos of these travels. and i am happy to be here….

everything seems a bit precious now when we are faced with an uncertainty. unknown. when suddenly faced with an encumbered choice. at the same time, an excitement to see how it unfolds and whether i am doing this right and will i survive? in whatever the circumstances, i only know now, that i will not face the future with regret. no matter how hard it will be, it will not be a mistake. i will course through it, as i have always been. the difference between then and now. i feel peace. it was not hard and dreading anymore. it was no longer fighting for a choice. it’s almost like what i choose to fight for.

i can never know how my life will turn out to be. but i think the clouds are opening up slowly. maybe if I’m lucky, i get to see a rainbow.

today will be interesting

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for close to 8 years now. my life has been day in day out, just pretty much me= home=work. 365 days a year.

except for when we get to travel for about 3 weeks max. my travels have always been about landscape, nature, mountains, sunrays, the seas and vast lands. i love them. every single travels i have had the fortune of experiencing. and then life is pretty amazing and interesting.

but i cannot have the luxury of this travelling lifestyle bloggish kind of life. and then life gets pretty routined. work and work. weekdays and weekends. and work took away my energy, sanity and moments.

i am grateful for having a job. i am grateful that my job isnt like any other jobs. that for one thing, it took me only 15 mins to and fro.
but it still is, a rush up the corporate ladder, i am expected to do things and expected to do well in them, alas i would be called as a ‘passive worker’ kind of person. there still is, brutal office politics and that subtle ghost of an ego trying to prove oneself is better than the other. it gets very overwhelming actually. my heart is made of glass. *roll-eyes*

i have always need affirmations. since teenage angst days. i even had a notebook which is dedicated to me writing affirmations. at one point, i think i had ‘i will be happy’ affirmations written on several pages. i have always been a moody quiet kind of person. i had to write to myself to be happy. one of the things i’ve always thought i am weird about, could still be, until i discovered the term ‘introvert’ and that chirpiness and too much talking is not in my dna. but i can still be happy. lol.

anyway, i have come up with a new affirmation. at age 2 months away from ehem35ehem.

today, i will choose joy and it will be an interesting day

i want to spark joy and positivity because i needed it myself. i want to see things in new perspectives and learn new things which i can apply and share a knowledge with others. i want to have that spark of life and smile genuinely. and if it’s going to be my last days of work, it is going to be the best days of work.

show me the money

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the hardest habit to keep have to be to stop spending. it was really hard. it took a lot to tell myself no you don’t have to shop. i was doing very well until i felt the need to buy a sports shoes because my feet is sore from the cardio exercise i have been following. i was doing it barefooted indoors.

i guess it is also to give myself a ‘reward’ for being able to exercise 5 days a week for 4 weeks now. it really is a big step for me. and i am enjoying it more with the NB Revlite shoes i bought at 20% of its original price. it was a sweet surprise, the discount. 🙂

the shawls were hard! really hard! it didnt help that they keep posting up new releases on IG. i keep on saying no, i dont need this. no, i will not wear them. no, i have so many shawls already. i know. i could have just unfollow them. in fact, i have unfollowed a lot of them. but this brand, i cant. i succumbed to the latest tudungpeople IRONLESS PINLESS shawls in my colour palette. and then i justify those as shawls for my upcoming travels. i need them. lol.

but i pat myself on the back still. i tried. and it will get easier along the way. once the brain understands that i have enough materials to live by. i do not need to shop anymore. i think im close to be that person who will not shop unnecessarily. yup Seri, go all the way, keep telling your self that. stay true! ;P

i can see it. that future. ahhaa.

the morning after

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no. no reflections. no new resolutions.

just continue what i have been thriving to do.

the rain seems to understand the feelings i am going through. crying and crying in silence. but also a sign of blessing. His Rahmah and Mercy.

Alhamdulillah. start the year embraced in His Love.

i leave 2017 with heartbreaks but also moments filled with happiness.

i pray to face 2018 with strength, wisdom and joy.

cleanse this life physically and emotionally. level up this life in faith and self care.

No more sadness. No more unhappiness.

Thank You Allah.

tunjuk satu bintang

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im having sudden cravings for Sheila On 7 songs and i have been playing them today.

if you’re like a teenager in the late 90s and early 2000s, Sheila on 7, Linkin Park, Peterpan, Avenged Sevenfold and the likes were your anthem, the move-away-from-mainstream style. But Sheila On 7 always gives this happy and pleasant vibes.

apart from thinking i can sing really well to Sephia, there are two faves from SO7’s Kisah Klasih Untuk Masa Depan.

Sebuah Kisah Klasik is like the very anthem everytime my memories peeks into my uni years. perhaps everyone were listening to S07 back then but i have always thought SKK describes those memories in one song perfectly. ahh…those were the days. IIU friends will know we can never stop talking about those studious but full of life and fun, in search of self and identity, finding a place in this world.

Tunjuk Satu Bintang, i don’t know, i was more attracted to the music more i guess and the lyrics. they don’t really mean much to me but i think it is a nice love song in that cute teenager-ish feel. now though, i feel like it can be a good title for a blog. that blog i have been dreaming of having. but i write mostly in English, and having a malay titled blog may be a bit off. i just think it’s perfect though.

the lyrics seem to fit too. it doesnt have to always be about love and relationships. it can also be about loving life and the experiences we are facing, no matter how harsh it can be. it can also be about passion of learning, with all its ups and downs. don’t you think?

Coba kau tunjuk satu bintang
Sebagai pedoman langkah kita
Jabat erat hasil karyaku
Hingga terbias warna syahdu

Akan ku ukir
Satu kisah tentang kita
Di mana baik dan buruk
Terangkum oleh indah

Akan kucerna
Semua karya cipta kita
Di mana hitam dan putih
Terbalut hangatnya cinta

Dan bila mimpi terwujudkan oh…
Di sisimu selalu hariku