some.sense.of.security

As it is

mediocre

/ livingseri / Leave a comment

a long overdue post.

i promised myself to write more consistently and i didn’t.

i am supposed to be reading my class’ articles, having missed one class, but i ended up reading a local short stories or collection of poems, finished it, and felt inclined to write a short review on it. it is past my bedtime. i wanted to write something. maybe its the tea i just drank. i should be sleeping because i aim for an early start at work after a week’s absence.

give myself 5 more minutes to do this.

mediocre.

it is word that has been nagging me these few weeks. i feel like what i have been doing thus far, all the milestones i have gone through the years…it felt mediocre.

perhaps it’s the vast plain of ice and snow. perhaps its the age. i used to wonder if i ever made the right choice doing what im doing. i don’t think like that anymore. it’s more of you pretty much choose to do what you do, now is to just plough through and just make sure you do the best, regardless of the result or incentive.

and this is where i wonder if i am really doing my best? have i done or given my best all these years? and it seems like there is something more, a small void, searching to do something worthwhile. what is it? i don’t know.

there are so many things i wanted to do but have not. or did/doing but not doing much. for example, for the longest time i have wanted to pursue archery. i wanted to be good at it. i wanted to make it part of my routine maybe. but i never get to do it till now. or the time when i thought i found my ‘artistic’ call in scrapbooking and then realise it is quite an expensive hobby, and had to slow down a bit. i mean, i could have been a scrapbook-gram star, but i didn’t or couldn’t.

and now there’s a lingering thought of finding a cause to champion or volunteer or organise something but i havent give much thought on what i want to do.

i guess every thing happens at the right time. i like to think that my priority is different at certain ages and what or who needs my attention. i have always believed God leads the way, there’s no reason to steer away from that path now.

i just wish or pray that i can be true to myself. and that it’s ok to show the world a little bit of who i am, what i can do, and what i can achieve.

storage wars

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hubby and i watched this docu-tainment series Storage Wars sometimes. it used to be in history channel (?) and now its available on Netflix.

it’s about a couple of buyers who go for store rooms auctions. The highest bidder on a store room, will get to own whatever items there are in the rooms. and then most of the time, they re-sell the items at their vintage/thrift/ pawnshops.

i mean they have interesting characters for the drama. there were lucky bids where they bought a room and found the items to be worth for re-sell or upcycle. sometimes they could amount to thousands of dollars if you really really get lucky.

but what i wanted to talk about in relation to this is… the store rooms are supposed to belong to someone else, who for whatever reasons, could be death or something, they ‘released’ the stores. and amazingly, there are sooo many of these released stores that they could have many seasons of Storage Wars (and there’s few versions of them across the US).

technically the teams who bid for the store rooms are like what local term ‘karung guni’. they literally picked through the items, and only take away those they think are worth some money and practically throw away whatever they don’t want (or rather won’t sell)!

and then i started talking about it with hubby. like how much junk can one person have in their life?? like why would they store away all these unwanted stuffs?? and pretty much left to other people to deal with their garbage (or treasures for some). surely after the bidders go through their items, they pretty much throw away maybe 70-90% of the stuffs they find?!

until i look around our own small room and see the amount of stuff i myself have. humongous number of stuffs. i feel bad for my hubby, somehow, lol. i got married to him and take all his space and it becomes my space. haha. and he tolerated all these things. like the two huge full bookshelves we shoved into our room! we have a big wardrobe and i think i filled up 3/4 of the space, because i have my shawls, my jubahs, my baju kurungs, my casual attires and then my home shirts and pants. he pretty much have about 10 shirts and 10 jeans he bought a one go and use them over and over again until they get worn out. something like that. he has many other shirts and pants he doesnt like and doesnt wear. just stored somewhere.

no matter how much we go through our things and throw them away. we still ended up with so many things still! enough ranting.

i began to realise…. that i do not want my hubby or any of my family members having to deal with my stuffs, if only God knows, i left this world…whenever that is. i really do.

so i guess im going to make it a mini personal mission to slowly get rid, give away, sell away some items, use up whatever i already have, upcycle what i can. and only make small purchases for things i will really really use. so even if anything happens, we can all have peace of mind, don’t we.

ok. let’s do this!

two weeks

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i survived two weeks of new work environment.

so i am going through this change process where i have doubting thoughts of whether i made the right decision, whether will i fit in, can i really do this work? or should i just hide under squirming and feeling worthless and not smart enough or suitable for whatever it is that is i am supposed to be facing head on.

and then also feeling that i cannot belong anymore to what i used to call a third home. i feel like maybe i am intruding in some ways. that i shouldn’t be here fearing that people think im trying to intervene when im the one who left.

but i think this is normal when there is change. trying to get used to the journey, the new workspace, totally different work environment. i feel everyone is moving around busy with so many things, while im just, not doing anything. and i dread that feeling. i had headaches the first week (and diarrhoea, out of no where) because i don’t have work to do. maybe i was just denying fever because i was working 14 days before actually moving to the new place.

i was warmly surprised by the welcome. familiar faces and some of the people actually remembered me from when i was a young kid out of uni temping maybe 10 years ago. some said ‘welcome back.’ i feel warmed.

but i also feel pressured. that i needed to work hard to prove my worth. and not disappoint those who believe in me. i wonder what was it that they see in me? there is also excitement because im sensing and learning that so many new things are going to happen and that i could be part of it. it scares me too.

i do feel homesick too. or is it worksick, in that context. haha.

i had the urge to go to mosque this morning. but i have to tell myself no. stop myself. because i really need to recover from all this change. re-calibrate my mindset, to fully understand my purpose and start the work already. because i really hated not being able to do anything.

perhaps i was used to all the work i had been doing for 8-9 years. i always kind of know what to do and the work to complete for the day. in a way, it was ok that i was able to slow down during the first week. it was like cleansing my mind from what i was so used to do and prepare to receive new tasks.

it was quite a mind shift, really. someone was saying, and im paraphrasing, you’re not mosque staff anymore (at least for 2 years), you’re M now.

in any case, i will just be my self, stay the way i am and just work hard work smart. so help me Lord.

paved

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i was ready to sleep.

finally completed a long long process of 333 entries for approvals. always a tedious and most exhausting task of all the things i did on a yearly basis. it would be ok and doable if i did not have these 300 names to look through. but anyway, i beat my 2018 record of completing this. it’s usually due on a specific date and the idea is to finish them by 12 midnight. i completed those at around 3am, past the due date and time last year but i was crazily head on just typing out whatever i could do. this year, i clicked on that last ‘Submit Now’ button at 11.15pm. i am feeling really proud of myself! it calls for a celebration! sleeping ‘early’ would be the best because i have been sleeping late these days doing these entries.

i really was going to sleep. did my night prayers. and then my brain seems to carve some words i thought i would note it down here.

i prayed. i was seeking His help to show me the right way. He has always been there to pave the way. i find myself at this unexpected crossroad. it was so different from last year, but i guess all this started…from the moment i mentioned the q word to my boss. i told him i was ready to quit. i was going to give myself a chance until the end of last year before i make my leave.

i could throw back to 2015 when i did my nlp thing trying to make a choice. it did point me to 2018. i waited patiently and persevered. then 2018 came….

and then things start to spiral over in a different path. and i was saying to God, it seems like the path has been set for me in such unimaginable ways. it didn’t look like i am making the choice or the way even…it’s other people paving it for me. i could tell a story one day. how it all converge and keep bringing me back to this point.

God, if this is the path You lead me to, if this is the choice You have chosen for me, i pray and ask for Your forgiveness. for always, You handhold me in this journey. You have seen me through the sweat and tears. through the struggle and exhaustion, through the joy and happiness, the laughters and kindness. i am just trying whatever best i can give to this second home. everything i truly could. i pray that You look at all these and tell me i did well. that You could take all these and forgive my shortcomings and weaknesses and sins.

and if this is the path You have decide upon me, that it can make me a better better person in Your eyes, that i can be of service to this faith, that it can be better for everyone around me and those whom i love, and that no matter how heavy it is, You will make it easy for me.

because You always pave the way. You always have.

is it not forever?

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it had been buzzing for a few months now. that cloud at the back of your mind of whether a change is inevitable. or if forever is here.

i went through my daily routine without braking. did what i had to do and try to accomplish clearing as many pending tasks as possible, without a doubt rushing for time. there is never enough time to do them all. i’m always trying to speed up my work pace. time is not on my side. and i cannot catch up fast enough.

i guessed no matter what awaited me, i would go with the flow and continue doing what is expected of me. it does not feel like it’s going to happen. and then i got excited with studying again and things seem to be how it was supposed to be.

and then the buzz got louder, the cloud seems heavier and change seems to be nearer. and then suddenly it seems to be making the stops for me. i don’t seem to be running away fast enough. is forever never going to be? is it finally time to say what i dread to say? or will this path lead me to what is best for everything we fight for and worked hard for? is this really happening?

how hard can it be to say goodbye?

keep love

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every full one weekend day is precious to me. I’m sorry if i have been repeating this, but it is true. however, this time around, even with the full knowledge of my work running faster than i can handle, i will learn to let go and that things will go fine and smooth even with my absence. i think it can. i believe they can.

with the foolhardy decision to continue studies and at the same time having additional portfolio to look into and dive in on-the-job learning, i have me and a family to care for as well. if i use to give 100% to work, nowadays i need to divide it properly to give myself some sanity. because 5 years down the road, i am turning the big 4, age is catching up, body is slowing down and if i think i still have that chance, now is the time isn’t it?

the plan is to slice the cake evenly so everyone has a role to play. without me losing it.

the focus for the year is my studies, since its hard-earned money to pay it off, i should at least make full use and focus on it as i had never done before. and focus on my bigbabyboy. it has always been him caring, providing and protecting me. it always feel like he did more for me than i do for him. could i perhaps show more love and care by being more present for his needs. we can pull this through together. chilling at home just the two of us seems even more precious now.

live on

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sometimes all you need is to let yourself cry it all out, cry as hard as you can.

and then looked up, faced the world.

its true, what i learnt from nlp. there are emotions you need to let out and then you are renewed. there was that timeline therapy but i had never really tried it out because i was scared of what i will encounter.

but then i realised, these hard times that i had been facing, i saw the sequence of feelings and emotions i had.

first was anger. so much anger and hatred at everything. i wrote them all down. all the things that is making me angry. in life, in work, in relationships. i wrote them all down until i find myself choked up and surprised at how much strain and hardness i put on myself. writing it all down and looking at them, i was disappointed too. but it made me clearer. i was angry, the anger was valid, i acknowledged them. and then i allow my self to be healed from this anger. i found this in silence. in contemplation. in His mercy.  in letting go.

when you realise that, you can almost feel the hard burden slipping away, letting out of strangled breath, looking at your self slide away from the darkness. and then there is so much light and let the tears flow. everyone is allowed to cry. it’s strength. it’s when we keep it bottled up, it makes us weak.  scared. alone.

i hope to be given the strength and faith to go through these hardships, as the Lord has always given me. and may i find meaning and in the future, understood why i have to go through these. i always forget. but He never. He has never abandoned me. i fell into an abyss of self indolence, and still, now and again, He knocks me gently, in the heart, on the head, a whisper to the soul. so why would i disappoint me?

live on.

my december

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it’s a quiet afternoon. the sound of raindrops petters from the leftover rain, coming from the kitchen window. and weird, i thought i just heard a bird chirping. the air is cool and fresh. it’s quiet other than the sound of cars passing through wet concrete road.

pardon me for being selfish, but weekends like these are precious. too precious. reading a local author’s short stories or binge watching through some korean obsession i recently and sinfully acquire. spared some time to go through my year in my traveler’s journal and on parallel modes, preparing myself through filling up my 2019 journal. aaahhh… what a year it had been. and….what a year it will be.

i am secretly hoping that december will go really slowly. because i want to have lazy weekends for a week or two more. maybe three. many people asked if whether i am taking a long leave this month. in all honesty, i don’t need any long leaves for the month, i just need my weekends. people who understand how and where i work, would probably understand why. on normal circumstances/months, i almost never get a full weekend. except during the holiday months.

december is always a month to catch up on many things before january starts. it is the month where i try to complete many administrative and database matters before the academic year open its doors. and this year’s december, was double the rush because i took up an additional role. it’s an adrenaline rush.

but give me my weekend to recuperate, only then i think i can still stand strong and persevere. the title of the recent book i am currently reading is quite apt though. The desire for elsewhere. seeing almost everyone i know on trips to elsewhere made me miss my travels. i am surprisingly at peace and grateful. happy to see photos of these travels. and i am happy to be here….

everything seems a bit precious now when we are faced with an uncertainty. unknown. when suddenly faced with an encumbered choice. at the same time, an excitement to see how it unfolds and whether i am doing this right and will i survive? in whatever the circumstances, i only know now, that i will not face the future with regret. no matter how hard it will be, it will not be a mistake. i will course through it, as i have always been. the difference between then and now. i feel peace. it was not hard and dreading anymore. it was no longer fighting for a choice. it’s almost like what i choose to fight for.

i can never know how my life will turn out to be. but i think the clouds are opening up slowly. maybe if I’m lucky, i get to see a rainbow.

3 months not charmed

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i have been seeing this almost everywhere. I purposely put in Abang Leo here, googled somewhere.

i am pretty much sleepy and exhausted but i feel like i owe my blog a post for the longest time. i had so many things to deliberate for my own pleasure reading but *excuses excuses* i could not seem to find the moment, the time, the mood to type. neither is tonight.

2018 has been a magic number. i always thought i might have a baby by 2018. i didnt, but we did get a baby in the family and i am in love with MyNephewLove. But it has been a hell of a roller coaster ride, 2018! and we still have three more months to go! wait, what?! three months left???!!! (minus September, which is literally just a wink away)

and we are still uncertain of where life will bring us. me. and i am scared. my heart beats fast sometimes. i could not stop thinking. i had dreams, sometimes unpleasant. my brain is overworked. i truly am. suddenly laid out with decisions to make.

the only thing i can think of right now is, i have always put other people’s first, before myself. so what can i do for me, now?

if this is any true,

three months from now, you will thank yourself,

i hope i will.

tiptoeing virtually

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i quit twitter.

i almost quit instagram.

i had loved twitter. i followed so many unknown people for the love of Charmed. i followed news. i followed some close friends and acquaintances whom i thought i could fully trust. and then i used twitter to complain or lamented about whatever it was that was disturbing me. it was full of sadness and/or anger. and then i went through a phase where i do not want to know about what other people are feeling or thinking or facing. because it adds on to whatever sadness or anger i am feeling. it was full of negativity and disappointment. i had issues with other people’s tweets. i had issues with my tweets! i feel like i couldnt care less what people are facing anymore. through twitter. i was being hateful.

it took much contemplation to decide to click that button. i had loved that little blue bird! and then i did it. i still have a few more days left should i want to reactivate it, that i have not decided yet.

it felt quite liberating to not know alot. and i am still healing from this hatefulness. it was not easy.

there’s instagram. i loved it too much. i loved all these bright bookstagram accounts, beautiful crafters and scrapbookers and fantastic photos from travellers. but then it also had too much products advertisements and influencers. i followed models, those hijabistas, and celebrities when i dont really care what happened to them and brands for aesthetic and artistic reasons, knowing much that i couldnt afford any of them.

and then suddenly i feel i had enough. i don’t want to know what happened to their lives. i don’t care what they cook or what they eat or where they go. for a while there, i had a green monster creeping out of me when i see other people’s lives. or it was just too much social extrovertness that i could not handle it. i was conflicted. deeply. i just want to crawl myself into some dark tunnel and block them all out.

in all honesty i had contemplated about quitting instagram since early this year. i didnt want to post photos anymore. not even for my peru trip. and then all those chaosness happpened during the trip, made it more heavy for me to post anything. i posted them for the sake of my family. i did not post any in facebook.

anyway. these days. i contemplated. talked to a few friends and my sisters about it. my sisters supported deactivation but a friend thought i should not allow other people control my thoughts and feelings.

so i have been unfollowing many accounts i dont really care like celebrities who kept on posting ootds and nothing but just their faces day in day out. brands that don’t give function to my life, or brands that successfully made me shop incessantly when really, i have too many things already. influencers that i can never and will never be able to appreciate because, honestly i really don’t care what they wear and what happened in their lives. individuals i could not relate to and i dont even know why i follow them in the first place. IG businesses i never buy from. it was a slow process because i follow like a thousand accounts. i havent go through the followers i had. that’s another filter because i had my account on public for a while back then.

because i think i shouldnt blame other people for my own issues. i kept my instagram account. but i forced discipline on myself. minimise scrolling through it. wasnt easy. you know that itch of wanting to open that app. the struggle was real.

work had been helpful though. sometimes i go through the day without opening the app. and because of this neck strain i have been having, i stopped walking and going through my phone at the same time, because of all that looking down and being unaware of the surroundings. only when i reached home, do i sit and have a bit of leisure scrolling but not for long. i am still not that into instagram at the moment.

it’s tiring having to keep up with people. i just need to lay low and tiptoe through the virtual world. i think everyone has the right to move away from social media when they think they have had enough. when whatever that they see don’t give meaning or happiness. or when they are just going through some heart or soul cleansing, finding their way through the values they think they hold to.

perhaps this is just me going through my conflicting thirties. like just when you think you know your self, you realised or discovered some dormant emotion or struggle that surprised you and left you scrambling ‘hey, how do i deal with this?!’

so, pardon me. i will step away for a while.