some.sense.of.security

As it is

gratitude

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So i have been reading. it made me reminisce those days when i have to do research. reading upon reading and trying to make sense of everything in a short time possible. only this time, im reading to plan a lesson. a lesson that i hope will make an impact to the people out there. i took up this with the thought that it gives me a chance to challenge myself and the knowledge i thought i had. i didnt think it was going to be difficult.

but this has been an opportunity to really crack my brain and recall all those lessons ive learnt back in school and uni. i will say it again, this is really difficult! Allahu mustaan, allahu yassir wa laa tu’assir. i need this to benefit the ummah. Allah please help me.

so the term gratitude. i have mentioned in my previous post how exhaustive life has been for me. so i come upon a website (pickthebrain) while looking for some inspirational articles to bring myself up up and up again. one of the tips is to focus on gratitude and the positive things that have happened, and in my case, my career thus far.

since i have graduated, i have been in this circle and i have met some very good people along the way who trusted and believed in me. given me chances and opportunities. but i guess i dont always give my best. sometimes i say i dont know how to do and dont think. ok that is me belittling myself. back to the gratitude part.

– i have a simple but close knit family
– i went to a good madrasah and passed through effortlessly all the way to A Levels nurturing and educating me
– i got admitted to one of the best Islamic universities and received knowledge from great lecturers who shaped my values and prepared me to face the world
– i got a job, albeit as a mere project officer, immediately after graduating
– i had the first hand experience to see the development of mosque madrasah’s curriculum and the challenges it faced…all that critics, mindblowing questions, the publicity it had to go through to convince people, the curriculum changes and the numerous edits done. i see this curriculum grow. i was part of it having helped developed some of them.
– i have always been able to work under pressure, in fact, i work well under pressure although at times i like to be well prepared ahead

– heck i started the madrasah, from scratch, from zero knowledge. from zero student to…now..about 800 students? it was really an opportunity of a lifetime. and it has to be one of my best achievement.

– and now i am married to a most loving caring most patient man that is always there to give me a hug and a kiss when things go wrong.

– rezeki is all in the hands of the Lord. will get what is sufficient. insya Allah.

im in gratitude of what i have and had achieved as of now. i just need to move on and improve. make interesting what seems not and make ezciting what seems to lack of it.

i can do this.

Re arrange

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Its time to rearrange.
Rearrange my stuffs
Rearrange my family and social needs
Rearrange my workspace
Rearrange my time
Rearrange my priorities
Rearrange my self, inner self
Rearrange to make time to find myself

You know its always a journey. I havent been any better than yesterday and i havent…well..i dont think i did anything beyond.

Having realised all these, i believe i need to start moving and planning to make life more fulfilling.

Giving myself another year.

time on my own

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let’s do something productive shall we?? missing abang who’s at work.

madrasah is starting tomorrow and i pray hard that things will go well.

i’ve read up my trainer’s guides and actually went to the library to borrow some books with SIL.
and actually excited to read them all. hahaha. initially i thought i have to go to work to settle some stuff but i guess let’s not do that and enjoy this time i have.

i think i’m just recuperating before facing tomorrow. really pray things to well insya Allah.

2011

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alhamdulillah we meet 2011 and i have a lot of reflections to do. many things to be grateful for and i am well into the new phase of life. insya Allah!

so it’s not going to be about resolutions but i know there’s a few things which i want to accomplish, or rather i hope to, in 2011 since i didnt get to do them properly in 2010.

less stress at work i hope. or i’m giving myself 1 year. whichever is not mental and physical health hazard. i love what i’m doing but it’s the people which are dragging me down.

like updating my blog regularly for instance! and tweeting! although i planned to blog and tweet something more intellectual lah, rather than my daily lament of work and whatnots. like quotes from my fave books ke. i miss my self and i want to live it with the additional of being Mrs Suhaimi! :)) what more can a person want.

more confidence. read more ilmi books with the occasional great novels. go for talks and seminars becoz i tend to miss those with the alasan of work. be out there to gain experience and of course in my line of work, i need to be more aggressive, i guess, oh not, the word is assertive.

and i miss being rajin lah. since living in a house with a very efficient helper, i miss doing the things i used to do and i have been slacking like what! a little sweep in my room and that’s it. but see lah what we can do around home ok, haha. i like it that i dont have to do anything, but sometimes i kind of feel guilty.

and everyone wants to be happy. so i pray for happines for all the people close to me.
i love abang. i love ratu romo. i love lifi siti nuri edid.

and i guess i have to catch up with my frens. regardless from where they are. but i think its going to be hard to like go out always with frens because i can go out on weekdays, but i cant stay too late like i can when i was single. and then on saturday i’ll be slogging at work whole day and afterwards, hubby will claim me. and sundays for family or i will need the rest. but nevertheless! i want to spend some time with my girlfrens. insya Allah. inikan ukhuwwah ;))

i pray for everything good. 2011.

a week away

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its that time of the year when i would feel more stressed than ever. i really am. abang is already sleeping soundly but i cant bring myself to sleep despite feeling exhausted. my mind has this buzzing train passing through which doesnt seem to stop. i was watching lara croft on channel 5 with the hope for r and r but her ultra confidence is stabbing me because at this point i dont seem to have one.

i was browsing through facebook and saw acquaintances’ pics of their holidays and that made me happy for a short while coz it reminded me of our nz amazing trip and then stumbled upon some facebook pages of people’s online ’boutique’ with their shawls, and blouses, and long dresses, maxi dresses and whatnots but i dont even have the excitement of looking through them because even with an extra month’s pay, i suddenly lost the mood to spend it.

and i was hungry but i dont feel like eating.

that’s how bad and low i’m feeling at this point. although i know i should be counting my blessings now.

i’m stuck with doing a task which i honestly dont have the time to do, although i would rather do it than handling some of the stuffs i’m supposed to do at work.

i have uniforms to worry about. i have teachers to worry about because i dont have enough up till now. and i was dropped an unfortunate news that the transport vendor wouldnt take up students on weekdays and few parents called asking about it. and one even go all the way wanting us to refund everything because of this transport issue. parents jangan melenting boleh tak??!! im feeling shitty already without you having to add up to the mess. i cant please everyone for God’s sake. i really dont understand parents nowadays. always expecting things to go their way and when its not they go all hurricane.

and for the umpteenth record, i might as well work without a ydo. like seriously. ive been covering for the ydo, i keep reminding and asking the ydo to do tonnes of things not done and the youth seem to be able to fend for themselves for that matter.

i’ve had big dreams and its not achieveable with ydo acting like this, and well, teachers need their holidays. but i think ive been waaayy too good.

and oh yes, why have i been seeing my students so called declaring love in their fb statuses? have they learnt nothing???!! next year its all going to be old fashioned. i’m telling you kids you’re going to get it from me!! before someone pulls me away and say ‘it’s all just a phase, we have to understand them bla bla bla’.

one week away to strategise.

i’ve cut my hair short, i could very well go bald soon.

but Lord, i’m grateful to You for giving me a job, at a place that i can practice my religion without boundaries and i love the fact that it’s about education. but i feel my strength is draining low by the day and i need to pull through because a new academic year is starting and Lord knows what it has in store for me. it’s always a scary thought.

oh yes, i’m having my menses now so probably why i’m feeling down. alasan.

i need a miracle.

so help me Lord.

good night world.

monday morning

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Assalamualaikum~

good morning people!

it is, no doubt, a monday morning when school reopens today and public transports return to its hustle and bustle of crowdedness, and students and adults rushing to work…except me (and maybe a few other fortunate people out there)

i took leave today.

and i hear the birds chirping and the neighbourhood cleaner sweeping at the park, and the sound of people walking, occassionally i heard mandarin conversations and the sound of bus 112.

wahh…seri macam nak tulis essay for O Level ah. 🙂 hehe.

but yes, after almost 3 months of not blogging and missing it a lot, this morning i woke early despite sleeping in late last night and somehow i couldnt sleep again, i thought, why not blog? before i start on some work. i definitely need time alone to rejuvenate my soul and re-motivate myself.

work is ridiculous. it was the june holidays but i except for a one day off in lieu i took, it was pretty much the same work schedule, even finishing work later than usual! what’s with the courses taking up much of my time from work. i have plans to work out, reports to do and library arrangements to work out and youth events to keep up to date since some other colleague seems to need to be pushed to do, and finding trainers to fill up my shoes and relief trainers to find as well. it is a lot to do and sometimes i feel very much irritated when other people seems to take things lightly. this is nasty me comparing myself…i could count with my fingers my off or leave or null-mc since day one i started work at this mosque. and my heart body and soul is dedicated to this work, there’s so many works that needed to be done and some people actually claimed their rights of a holiday, when face it, their working hours are much lesser than expected! given too much leeway already! i understand them and the least i’m asking from them is spare a small priority to the pending tasks.
and nowadays, i feel more tired than usual and its got nothing to do with the world cup.

ok let’s stop. it’s definitely a nice morning and i thank Lord for giving me this and i do not want to spoil the serenity.

i pray for better days and the near future change might be a doorway to more changes. and i hope my significant other will always be there to support me. it’s a lot of hardwork. but nobody said marriage is easy. and truth be told, i’m feeling anxious already with the preparations and that there’s many things i havent done.

to everyone out there, spare a do’a for me.
thanks.

have a great week ahead. insya Allah.

my sacrifice

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suddenly being reminded of the creed’s song my sacrifice…

despite all the late nights, the late meetings, the lateness of the kambings arriving at our mosque 🙂 we pretty much had a smooth operation of korban. ALHAMDULILLAH. really. with the vendors’ expertise and some very good mmbs on the ground, we made it. our very first korban. and yes, definitely the volunteers who practically spent the WHOLE day at the mosque. may Allah bless them for all the good work they did.

of course there are bound to be some glitches, but alhamdulillah, if there are problems, it was overcame quickly and diplomatically. what’s important, the people are happy with the service.

and so i pray, that Lord, please give us strength, patience, sincerity and wisdom in this line of work we are doing. please save us from fitnahs and evil eyes. please.
let every word that comes from my mouth be the truth.

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i’m so distracted by eat, pray, love. i wanted to do my work but everytime i stepped home, i can’t seem to follow through. i have tonnes of things to complete and not enough time at work, that i thought i would finish them at home. but a BIG NO.

i can have all them papers and notes but it can take me a while before i can accomplish something. but maybe it’s just my brain and body’s way of telling me that stop, it’s your rest time, you shouldnt be doing any work. you need to recuperate.

yes, recuperate. before i go on and rebelliously procrastinate things.

well, i’ve been to two talks for the past days. its mind boggling and as much as i missed those days back in uni reading all those books and attending lectures, and being in these talks somewhat brings back those reminiscence, apart from some fine information gained, i cannot help thinking, let’s leave all these theories to the thinkers, and let me do my work! irony. for one of the talk, or they call it workshop i went to was something on ‘thought’ leadership. very sociological and trying to instill in us on thinking strategically and having that sociological imagination, ok simply, having that bigger picture (for God’s sake, i learnt sociology back then). i mean these are good information for my work. i love knowledge. but am at a rhythm where i just want to get things done, practical mode. and i love thinking but if i want to think, it can take me a whole day just thinking and reading and trying to form hypothesis, but now i cannot do that.

and when people starts spewing those (word)-istic terms, with those oh-so-debating mode, i shut myself off. for knowledge sake, they’re just presenting and sharing their research. let’s not be too much argumentative about it?

and why am i so uptight about this?

oh yea, can i say it again, living in this small dot of an island is…difficult.

de-stress

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in need of some ‘enlightenment’, i’ve come up with a way how not to feel so stressed with my work.

– always tell yourself you LOVE YOUR JOB. you can do this either by writing it down many times. or simply say it to the mind. i did it many times now and it did help…in a way that you somehow feel like your mind loosen the tight knots of your brain.

– recall back why you are doing this job in the first place…in my case, it’s because i like doing this..it’s supposed to be exciting and so many angles of education to explore and the job really suits me. like karmic compatibility.

– have colleagues who give out positive vibes.

– smile and smile and smile.

– and look forward to a weekend.

– watch hindustan epic movies, comedies (sometimes, lawak2 bodoh cerita melayu helps), cartoons

– if all else fails, indulge and lost yourself in a fictional or a fantastical novel.

– better still, sleep.

but for now, no sleep yet…there’s a stack of profiles i have to look through!

one happy thing: i’m doing my work on my new blue notebook! a gift from dear and that’s a comfort in itself~

believe

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There’s a few things which i’ve believed in:

1. i believe in my ability and capability that This Is the job for me. it’s even two passion in one: religion and education. i believe i can soar and achieve much more in this line of work. that my being here is right.

2. i believe in talking to Him, regardless of my spiritual weightage at any point of my life. (i don’t know if weightage is the right word, it just sounds right ;))

3. i believe in my family who has always believed in me. that we will stay strong and together no matter what happens. that my brothers and sisters will achieve success in their own way and interest. that whichever my parents had done, taught and chosen for me has, all along, directed by Him. for that i can’t ask for more that just my ratu and romo to be here with me.

4. i believe in you. truly.