some.sense.of.security

As it is

orchids

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hehe, tell me i’m into flowers nowadays??!! but believe me, orchids ARE amazingly beautiful and my omnia proved to be useful in times of need. it took almost perfect pictures!!(to me laa)

anyway, if i’m going to be writing anything here, i’m telling you it’s going to be same old same old because i’ll be telling you that work has taken its toll and i’m going from one mosque to another (again!!) and for this whole week alone, i’ve been to and fro one mosque to another and rushing for meetings. as the time comes near, it’s getting more and more demanding! and shall i put this in…exciting!! hehe. and part of the job is buying books!! it’s like a dream come true when i can just pick out books, to my liking, and not having to pay for it, the legal way! haha!

may is going to be a blast~

although i’m thinking bearing a position does not mean we could raise voices to subs who are older, even if they’re only a support officer. i think they deserve more respect. i’ve observed and i’ve learnt. having worked at places, sometimes i feel my being quiet is a given. as long as the job is done la kan. speakig of which…i myself need to be more decisive and i guess the only way to be that is to believe in my choices and decisions. i’ve always been a person who likes negotiation and listen more, but i guess now is the time to be more specific with what i want and execute them effectively, even if it means making a mistake. and i’ve mentioned before…a mistake is a lesson learnt. 😉 although when you’re handling education, you really can’t afford to make mistakes.

amidst everything, i want to talk to God.

sunflowers

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honestly, i’m a lucky happy girl to be feeling this way. having someone who really cares about me is, well, rather new to me. i never realise it can make your world go almost fantasy-like. tapi seri, berpijak di bumi nyata :))

HAPPY

anyway people, i really can’t wait to move in to the new mosque!! haha, went there yesterday and i’ve actually aimed the workspace that i’m going to sit in!!
the thing is, the whole of this month, i’ll be like going from one mosque to the other. which is, *sigh* just like last year, where i’ll be rushing from one place to another for discussions and meetings. i thought i’ve had it nehh. but patience seri, it’ll be like for two more months, and your VERY OWN WORKSPACE!! :))

although please pray that i’ll do my work right.

eh, i didn’t tell you about the talk i went like last week! was it last week? anyway, it was a talk by Abu yahya on early christianity and islam, looking at its similarities and differences. it really had been such a long time since i’ve been in a lecture and one which felt so familiar with me. terms and names which i’ve learnt before repeated and new knowledge added. it’s definitely enriching. going to put up some proper reflection on that soon, insya Allah.
makes me want to be docent @ hC more often. it’s passion i think, it’s not just doing it for the sake of doing or da’wah thing. sometimes there doesn’t have to be a reason to want to do something like, having a manicure or going to the zoo, or volunteering or simply doing your job.

although sometimes having a reason might justify things but really, it tires the brain la. can i just do it because i want to do it, i have the interest to pursue in it. sometimes, i can’t think of an answer when people starts asking me like why do you do it? kenape eh? alamak, because i want to la!

orait, wouldn’t want to make my blog a place for craps, haha. i’m just blabbering man!

i love it that you rush to see me (although, only we know) i love it that you worry about me and, i love the sunflowers of course. life is brighter. and i hope this will be as strong and persevere as can be. hmmm, well, i’ve been through treetops and an island for you. 😉

report strength

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‘reporting strength’ to my blog:

1. as you have noticed, i’ve changed the layout of the blog!! but it depends how long this layout remains and maybe i’ll revert back to the previous skin. however, it does look clean and organized, and still segoe script for the font!
the changes this beloved blog has gone through…from grunge to emo fantasy to emo love to grey to blue background to white and now this. but my fave has to be the emo love with that cute couple pic. and the previous one. you guys’ vote would help though~

2. after much contemplating and calculating, i got for myself a new handphone, or rather, a PDA (as i’ve been told). and presents….


it’s a beauty laa…so sleek and bronze. although it’s going to take some time to get used to the touchy screen, to the stylus even, to the interface and its functions, since i’ve been pretty much a normal sony ericsson phone user. 😉

3. with all these changes happening to me, like a particular haircut as well ;), i’m looking forward to better days! haha. honestly, i need to build up the inner me to face the new challenges and not disappoint myself, much less other people who have such confidence and trust in me. this is not the time for me to be thinking that i might not be the right person to do the job, because there is no turning back, truly. and i do not regret what i’ve chosen to do. i need to assert myself that I AM the person for the job. i can do this.

there’s just so many things to do and learn and RE-learn! haha:))
_________________________________________________________________

mono: i never knew it hurt so much until it was mentioned. maybe i asked for it because i made that question. but the answer was unexpected. i don’t understand why it hurt since it’s only a past. and it’s not like it had never been spoken before. but somehow it hurt more last night. i’m still feeling that small crushing feeling in my heart but i’m not going to let it rule la ok. it’s now that matters. and a future which is still vague, i think i have the pieces of a puzzle, but i don’t know whether it fits. don’t break my heart.

2 am in the morning

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i want to do this before it’s 2 am in the morning. after so long sleeping in early, i’ve no idea why tonight i’m burning the midnight oil…hmm…so called heh.

for one thing, i’m reviving this multiply site which used to be dedicated to my teens students from a central north mosque….but i’m thinking why not make it a place or rather a space where i can dedicate my thoughts and reflections, in terms of this line i’ve chosen…of course…this blog will not be abandoned..and pretty soon, my posts will get redundant between here and there…but at least, there at the multiply site will not get mixed up with my everyday life :))

and tell me now…that setting up a place for education is EASY!! especially when the building’s already there and you have to make do with what’s given and no matter how small a room, you’ve got to utilise it because there is no other way and stretch whatever resources you might have.

to be honest, it’s scary. and exciting. and i keep thinking i cannot do any mistake this time…although making mistakes are good. it teaches you…me. and that’s what learning is all about right?
and sometimes little gestures is what makes me stand strong and reminded me that….THIS IS IT. i’m doing this. for instance,how can a teacher not be truly touched when her students bought her hot tea in the middle of a heavy rain and cold classroom? it’s the most touching and sweet gesture of them.

i so need to do this right. and there’s so many things to learn….and can i just get away from the chaos for a little while??

oklah, i admit it’s pretty exciting you know, starting from scratch and making decisions and doing things my own way haha!

but let’s put it this way…after like letting the kite fly so high, it needs to be tugged and pulled a little bit behind to set its flight back on track. so i need that now.

ps: can anyone from the americas vote adam lambert (american idol) for me? after all those seasons, now i know why some people are into this competition…especially when you have ‘set’ your heart on one of them, you just want to like support them all the way~ (ok ok not important)

so yeah, it’s 2 am. i really should be sleeping or else…i won’t get anything done tomorrow.
:))

pps: if you guys happen to have segoe script font installed, you should be able to read this blog in that font…and it’s nice!! i like~

built to last

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super business. it almost felt like my Uni days, when i had to rush from one meeting to another, went to classes back to back and attended discussions and hands practically full of assignments, readings and tests. one difference though. back then, somehow, we still had time to spend with friends!

mosque nearby is up and ready soon. very soon. went to have a look with the board last sunday. with the heavy rain and constructions here and there, the board managed to point out defects and whatnots. my only concern was the classrooms. as soon as i saw the rooms, my head was reeling with which level this class should be, how many students can fit in, where’s to put the whiteboard, shelves, table and chairs. the rooms look big enough but can’t say for now because it was bare. once furnitures’ in, it’s going to be a different story and somehow i’m worried. :/
although, i’m loving the place!! get ready to lost your way in the mosque, there’s so many doors and corridors!

and there’s still loads of things to prepare, my goodness!!! as soon as i stepped into the office, apart from the morning messages 😉 i’ll be turning on the pc, check mails and always, list down things to accomplish within the next 8 hours. and people, bear in mind, we’re not really allowed to surf at other leisure sites like blogs and facebook for instance. yes, we’re cautious on those, but really, i don’t even have the time to surf these sites now. my window tabs will include three different email accounts, dictionary.com, and googlesearch for when i need to research for my teens curriculum’s articles. i used to have headaches reading articles from the screen, but i’m really getting the hang of it by now.

also catching up on reading. i refuse to deny my right to read! haha.

slumdog millionaire is a million bucks richer now. it’s worth a watch. a child growing up in hardship and getting through it with, surprisingly fluent english (of course, it’s just a movie, film- no need to get critical about this, aright). and that every question in ‘who wants to be a millionaire’ has an answer in Jamal’s memories and experience, that’s pretty smart, to me. but i couldn’t understand why Anil the host had to call the cops. jamal and his brother salim were portrayed as muslims, although confused by circumstances and life hardship – i won’t dwell on that now.

mono: castles are built to last, aren’t they? even the rain form a memory and flowers non-wither last longer, although, dried roses will always remain fragrant in my box of heart 😉

the L word

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am in a state of drowsiness at 12.52 am, but i need to note this down.
i realised that each and every one of us bears a certain responsibility, whether conscious or unconsciously realising it. it’s amazing actually.

you see, with all this hype of gaza and so many people being uptight about it, i mean who wouldn’t, with my little knowledge of understanding politics and depressing war news, and seeing so many demonstrations and petitions going on, it’s almost ridiculuos because u can’t draw the line between true and sensationalised. all i need to know about war is innocent blood is shed, somehow i don’t care who started it, either way, lives are lost.

but my point is, some people will do anything to help, write letters or set up donations, but i can be a mere follower and contribute in terms i can, but i may not have that drive to carry out that responsibility. because my ‘perjuangan’ my da’wah is not that. my mission is here, right here in this small island, in mosques, sharing as much knowledge as i can, no matter how mundane the subject will be, it does not matter that it’s just a once a week thing. i guess this is my perjuangan, you know?

why i’m saying this is because, i used to ask myself, why can’t i do this, why can’t i be doing something ‘big’ that can seem to change the world, or why aren’t i able to do that? it’s not because i can’t do, but because it’s not my forte, it’s not what He wants me to do because other people will be doing what they are able to, there’ll be people who’ll lead, but my perjuangan is to shape those leaders and share knowledge, for the future.

but you know what, i still think i have loads to learn more. there is still so many things i don’t know. it never ends yea, learning.

so Learn.

waiting game

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i feel like this is the longest january i’ve ever gone through.
seriously, i’ve been through so much in the span of 18 days!! it’s still january~

i’ve had good days…
i’ve had busy busy days which is good because it preoccupied my mind from glancing at my ericko-san too many times a day…;)
i’ve written a number of articles…
i’ve even got angry at a head of a strategic unit and practically showed it…
i’ve taught a total of 4 classes so far and enjoyed them much…
Lord, it’s been days fulfilled.

although
i’ve not understand, still, why tears and blood must be shed. only donations and Al-Fath read with hopes and thoughts that this will give them the strength.
i’ve not understand, still, at this age, you have to have sore feelings to your friends over a small misunderstanding…i thought we’ve grown out of those? the rare times i mass-messaged, there never was a reply from a particular friend. so tell me, who forgets who?
and, heh, i still hate taking buses 🙂

on repeat mode: waiting game by yellowcard.
no particular reason.

and then, i’m happy. you know why.:))

home is here

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my first class starts today! will be teaching teens year 4 at the mosque and somehow i was prepared for it. excited and ready to roll!! haha. i think sitting in the office doing paperworks and brainstorming has taken its toll that for once, i’m moving around and talking and sharing and whatnots!!

have i told you that i love what i’m doing?? that the sacrifice is almost worth it sometimes. tomorrow will be another day of teaching. although not exactly something which i looked forward to at the start of this year, but somehow i was able to comfort myself and have a shift of thinking. i’m the few people who can do this. so let’s do it seri! hehe

anyway, last friday, went to see my youngest sibs Nuri and Khidhir performed at their school’s CCA Openhouse. they represented their cca-NPCC. and their big sister here is just so proud of them!! they used to be little babies and now they’re up there all uniformed and holding mark-four rifles, aka, fake rifles doing some precision drill squad. truly happy to be there and you of course. for sharing one of the most important part of my life.

and when their teacher praised them for their commitment and being active participation in their cca, commenting that it must be because of the family’s good upbringing, i had a split thought of doing su*jud Syu*kur right there and then! hehe. it’s just that, truly, we are a simple family, unrich and not exactly born of academics nor having some blueblood or whatever it is. and we’ve had our hardtimes, i’ve witnessed it all. and somehow, i’ve realised those hard times have shaped us- me and sibs to be more grateful of what has been laid before us and to do the best in everything we do, and i know it has been God’s work all the way, i just feel we’re blessed and protected. that’s all i can say.

i won’t trade for anything. despite the flaws each of us have, i don’t know how i’d live without them. without my nuri’s adorable teasings and my siti’s wittiness and how she could talk sense straight to the point, and my haliffi’s concern in ignorance, and my khidhir the apple of the eye, still a baby although he has grown so tall. of course, ratu and romo. his silence and her chatter.

oklaa, no need to be so mellow right??? haha. i’m contented at the moment. truly.
please remind me to get down to earth, because i’ve been up high in the sky for quite awhile there. There’s so many things to do Seri!! let’s get moving~

moving forward…with a jolt

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i was amazed that the mos*que is so full of life and people moving about and phones ringing every other minute and not to mention crying and shouting children because it’s their first week of school!

my mind working non-stop from 7.30am to 5.30pm and although i was supposed to have lunch at 11am all the way to 2pm, i just can’t stop~ especially when you’re in the writing mode and your mind is just flowing with ideas and words, you really can’t afford to risk stopping and having a hard time to get to the same momentum. -teach- might understand that.

it’s not even a whole week of the new year and life has moved on like there’s no tomorrow! and i mean it. even after all those hours at work, you still feel like there’s not enough time. Lord, what are we rushing for??!

in times like this, you really appreciate when you have to get up and face Him- have some time to drag yourself from work and calm your mind after all those chaos. just for five minutes. that’s all it takes…or maybe more..

still in the mood to put up a positive outlook, because really, things are going so well. only…’3rd rock from the sun’ came tumbling down on me today in the midst of me doing a report for one mos*que. (be prepared of getting confused because at the end of the day, you can’t even know which mos*que i’m actually talking about haha!!)~

back to what i was saying, i had just practically stopped myself from writing lesson plans and articles, and start on something else, which was the report i was saying. and more or less an ’emergency’ call came up. one mos*que is in desperate need for a youth trainer that could i cover for at least one whole month until they get someone new? WHAT??? isn’t there anyone else? apparently none.

the irony is: i left that mos*que last november because i thought i want to concentrate on two other mos*ques~ what the??

add up to that, i somehow got this feeling that one project is coming my way. let’s not forget the whole new*med thing which is literally endless!! i have only 24 hours a day. sobs.

but all in good time i pray. Lord, please give me the strength physically and intellectually to do this. Please i pray.

and just in case you haven’t had time to google for that evanescence song i mentioned to you, here it is.(but you most probably have googled it)

http://media.imeem.com/v/5ODR2ONJNt/aus=false/pv=2
Evanescence – Anywhere – Evanescence – Anywhere

to my loyal blog readers, you might say: Not this song again??!!!
heh, honestly, i can never get enough of this song!!
so bear with it! hahah!

ok…another long day tomorrow~

the way to start the new year

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pretty much sweet rush.

after a whole month preparing a proposal of sorts for a mosque last year, i presented them out in front of the board of committee and thank fully, unthreatening faces and supportive questions gave me more motivation and the knowledge, i Just might have to do this! their agreement for me to move forward and proceed to carry out the operational part was all i need. “and so it begins” 😉 i’m turly glad the presentation’s done with only with one concern: things got to start moving and i have to do them right. please help me Lord.

and apart from that, my name was in the organizational chart in the current mosque i’m working at, which was, WHAT?? (that’s my initial response in my head anyway). although something more impactful was the fact that the GM himself introduced me to the mosque staff last saturday during an ac*tion plan meeting. i didn’t think he would notice i was even there~ this small thing done by a leader surely brings up the motivation i tell you!! :)) good pressure but also nerve wrecking because it means “they’re watching~”

however, all this hype just makes me want to work. haha~

ps: gracie the dugong is adorable, seriously she is. and that a sea angel is a tiny winy swimming snail. amazing.

yes man the movie is worth a laugh and thoughtful outlook on life.
only the third day of the year and it’s a pretty good start!;)
a nice surprise and is maybe a good enough answer for now?

on repeat mode: Songs Collection the CD. i’m totally loving it!!

pps: i know my post is pretty much disorganized and i’m just blabbering really. but dat’s how my mind is at the moment.