some.sense.of.security

As it is

i’m waiting

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4 days at work went well so far. everyone was polite and nice. only i have yet to get accustomed to the utter coldness of the room temperature. seriously, they practically love the cold! and tak-heran-makan type of most of the staff there! well for one thing you have to walk a distance to the nearest neighbourhood mall and if it rained, you don’t have a chance! and it’s been raining cats and dogs nowadays….
mana boleh ngan orang yang suka makan mcm gwe nih! but those can be adjusted la eh. i have four more months before i go to the ‘real’ thing!

so people, i like the new workplace. not much work now which is driving me almost crazy at the moment because people are always moving down there!! and i want to train students!! it makes me moving and thinking but i won’t have that chance till next week. so hopefully, next week will be a more fulfilling week.

PLUS!! plus plus the trip to Bali!!! yey. 7 more days to go la seh!! i’m so excited to the maxxx that i want to start packing now and jump around and tell everyone!! haha but i pray the journey will be a safe one and lots of pics and views to capture and immortalise this very first holiday trip with my friends – shasha, aili and mary!

ok, my mind is not working now. and i just want to layan jiwang before going to sleep. it’s exciting but at the same time nerve-wrecking and i know i shoudn’t think too much about it but i do and i’m waiting. it’s just chaos.

agenda before dec 1st

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1. completing works on p.y – rechecked lesson plans, rechecked readings, get back to designer
2. editing works on tw.a – reformat lesson plans
3. works on n.m – consolidate datas, list for remunerations, upload pics, get back on invoke webdesign, check up invoke
4. compose a resignation letter for nahdhah

ok, let’s do this!

on to new prologue

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i have been staring at this screen for far too long. with null productivity.
i do have a few tasks left to do but my mind has been a total blank today! which is not good!

i guess it must have been the anxiety of starting at a new workplace this monday. for a year and a few months working at mu*is, i have really become so used to seeing the same faces, going to the same office, and well, sitting at a record of three different workspaces in the same office room. i really enjoyed it and i have to say, i am very fortunate to have had the opportunity to work in such a place. would especially miss the people in the unit.

still, life has to move on. and i pray that being at a new workplace, with new challenges and meeting new people, will give me a whole new breath and spirit, new perspectives and new experiences. it’s almost a scary thought but this is the choice i have made. although i know i can do so much more (trainings, editings of curriculum, things which i really enjoyed doing) i have a feeling i will still have more of these chances. insya Allah.

there you go, my very first job, very first workspace, very first working experience…will be missing it.

let’s get going seri!

and yes, been to full-of-energy 3-day workshop on youth training. now, here was something which i have always wanted to have- an assessment or evaluation of myself while training. well in this workshop, after 2 days going through the theories and many ideas of games and energizers, we also had a recording sessions. ie. we record our selves during first introduction and on the 3rd day, in a group, conduct a mock training session and got reviews from our peers and the trainer.

well, i found out i did too many time-feelers (aka ‘hmm’ ‘ah’ ‘ok’ etc etc) although i have a good posture and hand gestures, and yes, the contents bit also need a lot to brush up. now i know how i ‘look like’ while training! haha! i got a lot of tips from the trainer and made some new friends. a nice experience really.
going to workshops like this always make me excited to start the new year and apply what i’ve learnt! motiveated seh!

and yes, let’s get going! :))

glass castle

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i just finished reading the book The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls and i loved it. it gives a very different non-stereotypical portrayal of a family who have very educated and talented parents (stereotypically it would be big house, academics career, and glossy looking smart children)who chose to go against the norm and live like wanderers, adventurous and vagabond, moving from one place to another.

really, i can’t stop reading it, and at almost every page, i would be expressing “what??!!” “seriously??” “what kind of a parent is this??” “what the toots?” and “WOW!” but it has nothing to do with violence or psychological disorder, or “My name is Dave”-like stories. it’s just that the Walls parents (yes its based on real life story) have a different way of teaching their four children, imparting values from a different angle. for example, letting insects and pests practically breed in their rickety house because you don’t have the right to kill or destroy other living beings. despite the noble values the parents taught them, and the education they gave from home (the Walls children are geniuses) it’s the standard of living which is almost ridiculous. the children eating from leftovers or surviving on margarine or corn for whole days on end, being on a hunger strike because their father is away looking for gold and mother unable to keep a teaching job because of her eccentric nature of teaching.

but i envy the children much because of their independence and smartness, up to the point that they tried ways and took up menial jobs(paper runs, babysitting! when they themselves need babysitting! collecting tins and bottles) from the age of as young as five just to get a morsel of food. and the thing is they don’t rebel and indulge in gangsterism/drinking/drugs/friends’ bad influence. they just don’t. and that’s what amazes me. of course, being children, and eventually teens, they build their own perspectives on things, but they didn’t blame their parents. they very much love their parents still and instead, in whatever it is they were doing, their agenda would be to make less burden for their parents. and yes the parents had their own flaws.

because, if it’s in some community, oklah, my community. it would be a totally different story right? give the same scenario and you get different reactions. of course, i’m not generalising, but in most cases.

just this week, we got a whole list of thumbnail pics on BH of youths involved in physical conflict. and for what?
TheTasteofInk
_____________________________________________

i’m writing this just so to get my mind working, because something else has been bugging me and suddenly i’m starting to think of what’s going to happen to me in the future. honestly, i was never a long term planner and i have been in the comfort zone of being single and free for a long time with having my siblings and girlfriends and acquaintances as meaningful company. i know my age is already a quarter of a hundred years, and even after seeing friend after friend after friend got married, i was never ready for this.

what if all these have to change? what if suddenly i have to start thinking about a significant person? what if suddenly i have to start planning for a marriage? it’s just that, at this moment, it’s totally beyond me. there’s A LOT of things i needed to do and achieve and having a significant partner was never part of the picture. my future was always a picture of career, and travels and books. yes, books. it was never a wife or a mother. although thrown in the rare images of a faceless significant other.

still, being an imperfect person, those tendencies to be loved and wanted is inevitable, i envy my friends who’s married, found their soulmate/ partner, who’s had years of loyal relationships, engaged and so on so forth, of course i dreamt of having those (put in Affa as the imaginary boyfriend, haha!) but i never expected those to come true. not yet.

truthfully, i’m just not ready. despite the age, despite the need. i’m not ready for change.

i’m not ready for a glass castle of my own. but i have to start from somewhere, right? maybe THIS could be IT.

el-shiekhats

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i’ve said it. it’s times/days/nights with you girls are what i treasure most. have i told you that what pulled me through those challenging days back in IIU were YOU? a snide remarks from a lecturer early in the morning will be forgotten by the hustle and bustle of lunchtime, a stressful whole day’s meetings dissolved by early dinner, late night sharings, movie nights, laughters and tears. thank YOU for this friendship.

so el-sheikh welcomed 7 + 1(in our hearts/thoughts) of us, warm cosy ambience, carpetted seats and lush pillows with very not arabic songs and ESPN (??). but those are meaningless without the laughters, tears, heartbreaks and strength shared among us.

KORANG, KORANG BEST TAU NGGAK?

in my silence, i’m grateful to be there and show you: here’s me, i’m one more person who could give you strength and support, a lending ear, a crying shoulder with the rest of us. more days with all of you. it’s been so long since i’ve felt important among friends. because honestly, it doesn’t feel the same with old schoolmates anymore. i can’t seem to speak the same language with them some of the times. though i still treasure their friendships.

ten years ago, i never imagined i could make some ‘outside’ friends, due to my quiet nature, but ten years down the road…i can truly say, my heart-ed friends, are from non-alma mater (read:non-ma*arif*ians).

just Thank You.

dedicated to the 7 of you girls: and you girls have to bear in mind, this kind of song is never my type of fave music genre, but for the sake of you all, i just feel like dedicating this to you.

we are SOOO MISS(ES) Independent 😉

P1180934

murabbi

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the ignorant me have always thought teaching is…well, teaching. you have a book to teach, read to class, explain here and there, give them students homework and grade it..after which they will go through exams and if they study, they’ll get good grades and move on.

but that’s on the superficial level of teaching. after a year and a few months teaching, i have realised how so much more teaching is. and note: i’m not even a full-time teacher, like say, Mary and kak Dewi. but i’m sure they will agree with me on this.

i have taken up this teaching at a mosque madrasah rather impromptu. i really wasn’t planning to teach when i graduated. but after relieving a number of times, i somehow got stuck with it. haha.

and you know how the world sometimes conspires to let us achieve a dream. it was not my dream but somehow it is, because circumstances paved that way. i got a temp job at youth education unit, and then the accidental relief jobs i took up, and meeting with people who have the passion and the talent to teach. i’m inspired alright. and with the exposure and some reading i did in due course, i realise teaching is a whole system that revolves the world. you’re nowhere without knowledge they say, now who’s to get that knowledge if no one’s teaching?!

just as the Prophet seeking knowledge and receiving them direct from the Lord, who by the way, goes by the name Rabb. it means a lot of things: teach, nurture, educate. and for me, i have been searching myself. teaching, i believe, regardless of what subject, is almost holy. and to teach, means to make MYSELF better, because i’m not just any working person, but i’m a teacher. a trainer nonetheless, as how i would prefer to be known informally. still. the mechanisms of teaching starts from myself.

and the Lord, being a Nurturer Himself, has paved the way. well, for one thing i have a personal mentor who’s helped along the way. but i had the fortune to attend a closed session with one of the Muslim world’s experienced and knowledgeable Muslim educationist. Dr Dawood Al-Hidabi.

if i could summarise the whole discussion, it would be The Heart. teaching is from the heart. and there’s the spiritual element to that.

how does teaching comes from the heart? well, IKHLAS is one. and two, the realisation that trasmitting knowledge is, to develop them intellectually, and utter ‘shaping’ of the whole being of the students. is not easy, man. i’ve always known that in order to teach, there must be something in me which is almost perfect. of course being mere human = imperfection, but if we’re on that strive, we’re almost there. and thus, Dr Dawood has given a list of what being a teacher means:

-> a murabbi = shaping personalities. also meaning, the teacher as a good example.
-> a counsellor = competent in giving advices and lending a shoulder, as well as, a helping hand
-> a researcher = aware of what’s going on in the surrounding
-> a leader = an agent of change

these, i should cultivate within myself.

I had 4 pages of my journal filled with notes from the discussion but there’s only 4 things which young trainers/teachers need to remember. while teaching is not just about syllabus and knowledge, it’s also building meaningful relationships with the students. only with this relationship will knowledge be truly transmitted through example.

1. Admire – there may be something which is truly unique to the teacher that allows the students to admire her/him
2. Trust – when there’s a level of trust built, knowing that there’s someone a student could turn to without risking being embarrassed. and i guess a sense of respect towards the students’ needs
3. Love – after much time, love can be developed
4. Obedience – and this is when whatever the teacher says or taught, there won’t be much trouble for the students to listen to us, because of the trust and love, they know we, the trainers/teachers are here for them.

and since then i’ve been having this 4 things in mind, almost like a mantra for me to teach. i’d be building up the 4 ‘hearts’ to motivate myself.

and one more thing, which, also pretty much sums up of being a teacher.
companionship.

so help me Lord.

breathe

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these days, i’ve been not sikit, but ultra malas, to blog. well, for one thing i do have stories to share but everytime, i logged on to blogger, my mind became blank!

and this online project i’m doing is really taking its toll. really. i really need to accomplish many things due this end of the year. or else, it will be a waste of all those times i spent online!

and maybe my mind is quite full with project Y and the interview due tomorrow at Al-istighfar for Mawaddah.

seriously, i thank the Lord for the ability to think. i wouldn’t know what to do if i had difficulties in thinking or some mental disabilities.

so Seri, breathe in, love what you’re doing, do them towards perfection.
Seri, breathe in, and pray your knight will come and save you. 🙂 (ok,ok tak penting~)

=love my Girls=

with this syawal

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with this syawal, i’m a year older.
i’m feeling light hearted and less saddened.
i’m motivated to move forward.
i’m intent to achieve more in knowledge.
i’m preparing my soul to meet the next Ramadhan. insya Allah.

there will always be some things which i have to accomplish.
and surprisingly, i’m more than eager to do them.

so please help me Lord.