some.sense.of.security

As it is

from pain comes strength

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it had been a difficult week.

especially when you realised being good is not good enough. or perhaps what i perceive as doing the right thing, turned out to be not accepted? hated? became a topic to be talked about behind my back? when all i see, is goodness in others. (i have said it times and again, this is my curse, really) and that i have never, in my blase redundant life, expected them to be that way?

i have never, also, believe everyone is perfect. not my self for that matter. whenever something is not right, instead of pointing fingers or blaming others, i tend to ask myself where did i go wrong? was i suppose to do it differently or was there a way that it could be done right? i never really think that perhaps some other people might be in the wrong. unless someone i respected and trusted pointed out to me, that, see Seri, it is not your fault, he or she really made this mistake or in the wrong. learn to accept it and move on. and there have been one or two person who can tell me that. really just a few actually. like a colleague and the other my best babe. my sisters and brothers. and my amazing husband, mainly because he’s a high level manager in a huge international company. the people i dealt with are chicken pea compared to the types of people he work with (which means, multi cultural, multilingual, diverse race​ and religion). and they will point out if im wrong too, or where i could have done better.

i have never been a people person too. i have embraced that it is an introvert thing. i am perfectly fine doing things on my own and a colleague used to say, along the line: when i’m doing my work, i’m in my zone. and yes, sometimes it’s like that, i just stayed too focused on something and everybody else is in a different space, until, some distraction happened or my stomach starts to rumble, and then wham, oh hey everybody else.

but not everyone is like me. i’m a social animal who can thrive without being too social. but people could think that i don’t care? or worst, people could think im just stupid, because i seem to not know anything due to my nature of not kaypoh or keen enough. and i guess there are people like that, who thinks they could ‘play’ me out, taken for granted because i act like i don’t know. most of the times, i really don’t know, but Allah, SubhanAllah, has never left me in the ditch, literally. there’s always a gut feeling, the sudden change in my reaction (that i cant control), or something or someone just came up out of nowhere. i never have to dig or be kaypoh enough to find out.

i believe all that is good takes time. i don’t want to live a life where i am constantly thinking if someone talked bad about me, or always in suspicion of one another, because i don’t think we can work, live, breathe like that. constantly blaming others for any mishappens, constantly thinking everyone else is wrong, everyone else is to be blamed. constantly in vengeance, feeling victimised. constantly weighing, this is my job, this is your job im not doing it because it is not my job or i am not paid for it. and i think the worst kind of people, are those who always think they are right or too ‘high’ that they cannot do menial work or be with some people. i do not want to be someone who cannot accept my mistakes, because by thinking too highly of myself, i am putting myself at the lowest. because at the end, Allah is the Most High and All-Knowing. but that does not mean anyone else can blame me and think highly of their ownselves.

i am not that person. i will never be that person.

after days of fighting with my emotions and this is human nature, but by working one self out and understanding where this anger, sadness, disappointment comes from, and from having amazing people around to talk to. i am slowly clearing my thoughts and cleansing my heart, and hopefully be able to see things clearly for what or who they really are. in the meantime, i take myself out from all that is bringing this heart pain, and believe me, it is so painful but i will still see the goodness in everyone else. and perhaps there’s the beauty of it.

15:7

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gosh. for every 12 days of work. i need like a, 5 days rest.

one day just to rest my body and recuperate from social life
one day just to buck up and try to do some house chores left undone
one day just to ‘get into routine’ of a ‘normal’ day which means house chores, cooking, eating proper meals at proper times, have some exercise workouts
one day just to catch up on reading and maybe watch something i like + simple chores and cooking
one day just to rewind the brain that hey tomorrow start working, let’s plan the week

i need another day to maybe go out of the house do or see something interesting
and then another day to rest from that mini adventure

hey let’s make it 7 days then.

maybe i should propose a work schedule that, ok let’s make it for every 15 days of work, i need a 7 days rest?

workable?

today will be interesting

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for close to 8 years now. my life has been day in day out, just pretty much me= home=work. 365 days a year.

except for when we get to travel for about 3 weeks max. my travels have always been about landscape, nature, mountains, sunrays, the seas and vast lands. i love them. every single travels i have had the fortune of experiencing. and then life is pretty amazing and interesting.

but i cannot have the luxury of this travelling lifestyle bloggish kind of life. and then life gets pretty routined. work and work. weekdays and weekends. and work took away my energy, sanity and moments.

i am grateful for having a job. i am grateful that my job isnt like any other jobs. that for one thing, it took me only 15 mins to and fro.
but it still is, a rush up the corporate ladder, i am expected to do things and expected to do well in them, alas i would be called as a ‘passive worker’ kind of person. there still is, brutal office politics and that subtle ghost of an ego trying to prove oneself is better than the other. it gets very overwhelming actually. my heart is made of glass. *roll-eyes*

i have always need affirmations. since teenage angst days. i even had a notebook which is dedicated to me writing affirmations. at one point, i think i had ‘i will be happy’ affirmations written on several pages. i have always been a moody quiet kind of person. i had to write to myself to be happy. one of the things i’ve always thought i am weird about, could still be, until i discovered the term ‘introvert’ and that chirpiness and too much talking is not in my dna. but i can still be happy. lol.

anyway, i have come up with a new affirmation. at age 2 months away from ehem35ehem.

today, i will choose joy and it will be an interesting day

i want to spark joy and positivity because i needed it myself. i want to see things in new perspectives and learn new things which i can apply and share a knowledge with others. i want to have that spark of life and smile genuinely. and if it’s going to be my last days of work, it is going to be the best days of work.

super ladies

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i rarely take selfies, and not always the first to take photos of myself. someone else always initiates a group photo. never me. but there are few instances where i feel like i need to capture a person or moment i want to remember. and when i offer myself and i actually want to take a photo with a person, it is usually to remember the feelings or thoughts i had at that moment.

like today, for instance. i was in the same room with two ladies i was always in awe of. we were attending a meeting and the two ladies seated in the front row, as leaders. and i kept telling myself, the two of them at the same place and time, i need to take a photo with them. need. yes. an opportunity as this dont always come by.

at the end of the meeting, i took up enough courage to get a friend to help me out. and i was happy.

one was my principal. well, she was my principal during my school years. i don’t remember having nice memories of her actually, well, simply because she was a strict principal, her loud voice and gave stern face was all she need to do to make any of us girls trembled in fear. i remembered though, mornings i had to be early to clean her office. i was a shy and quiet student. i don’t start conversations but i think, we thrived in those silent mornings. i was clearly not a great student, i scraped by, i survived just by trying to do and be my best in school.

but somehow, i looked up to her and respected her. i think she is an epitome of a strong lady who had to face head on all the, i am sure, difficult challenges of being the only female principal in a pre-dominantly leadership role usually occupied by men. but she never faltered, the way i see it. she was the principal and she was also teaching the upper classes. getting an A in her GP class was rare but having gotten one for an essay, gosh, that truly felt like a trophy and i treasured that essay. funnily though, that essay was based on my teen obsession towards Roswell (the drama series) and a short span interest on aliens. i don’t even remember why i thought aliens are relevant then. but perhaps that essay was full of passion and vigor, i nailed it. so anyway, when many of my classmates had a bit of resentment towards her, which i do not understand why, i have nothing but respect.

the other lady, was someone i met in my career life. i attended her trainings, and was intrigued by the NLP she introduced to us. i followed her classes then. i can say she inspired me in many ways, although i can never be like her. too much energy and optimism, lol. but still, she taught us many useful things in the course of my work and she ignited us with her passion and positivity. i have not met her for quite a while now. and as God has it, she is now the current principal of my alma mater. the turn of events, they say. such a small world.

now that i think about it, these two power ladies shaped me into who i am today. may it be small or big influence, and i still looked up to them for inspiration, for a glimpse of motivation to keep moving on. wasn’t easy, this.

i looked up to many ladies, as role models. these are my mentors. there are others i felt i owed them my success. they do. they have different personalities and ways of doing their work, i picked up these pieces of inspiration and hoped that i can be as successful as them, if not better.

how far can i go, then?

life pendulum

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in my line of work, family and friends are sometimes surprised when i say ‘oh i have so many meetings this week,’ ‘i have due dates to rush for.’ and then i either try explaining to them what i do, for the past 7-8 years now, or i just say ‘yah it’s just, you know, work’. perhaps the idea of working at a mosque, is still pretty much sit and…..do…nothing? someone should come up with a series of life of a mosque worker.

oh my god, did i just come up with a brilliant idea? 😛

my and my ideas.

i have been reading books on trying to find myself, like for the umpteenth time, and found some answers or ‘advices’ which pretty much knock some senses. like “How To Be Everything” by Emilie Wapnick, which really resonates with me, gives me a lot to think about and practical exercises to go about and ‘find my way’, and then there’s Kikki K’s The Life Plan by Shannah Kennedy, which, by right, i bought it because it looks like a pretty book, honestly, and (by left) quite useful too in some ways: finding your life values, time management, etc.

and recently, When to Jump by Mike Lewis. No book gave me straight answers, but i am devouring them with the knowledge that these are all signs. this current book in particular screams ‘passion’ ‘mission’ ‘calling’ ‘what am i afraid of?’ what’s the worst that can happen?’ and ‘

what do you believe in?

‘

(Sidetrack: i’m either a clingy mothercat or just lack of love, haha, i find love in the very fact that my Kechik roams around the house, and always come back to me..like, now im blogging, i thought she’s somewhere around the house. when i turned around, she’s actually laying napping behind me. she shadows me around the house….i’ll play around go anywhere i want, but still come back to mommy. heart-eyed. lol)

anyway, back to what i was saying… i look around me…sink in all these experiences, these meetings, be open to receiving it all again, perhaps, a glow of fire re-ignite somewhere. but the life vane (wind vane, get it?) is not pointing to a straight direction. it moves a lot. stopping at a time at one direction and then it changes pointing to a different possibility. but one thing i know, it changes this year. a little pendulum tells it so. what is it though?

personal end point

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still on How To Be Everything from Emilie Wapnick

Surprsingly this book gives me some points to think about which i have yet to see or read from other self development books i read. especially with this uncertainty at the crossroads im facing.

i appreciate this Personal End Point concept. because it gives me that clear understanding that i am not a failure or im not needed anymore. it just means i could have achieved what i came for (in this job).

Your Personal End Point…is usually a growing awareness that you’ve learned or accomplished all you need to in an area, that you’re basically done here. This restlessness comes on slowly and the reality that we’re ready to move on is often something we try to ignore.

pay attetion to how you feel physically and emotionally

but then there is also Resistance. to take from the book, if i feel excitement and panic, desire to quit suddenly, feeling insecure, or the project is challenging, then it could be Resistance that i’m dealing with. This is what i need to reassess. i need to confirm whether it’s Resistance or Personal End Point.

on the other hand, i opened the newspaper today and the news on IRCC convention and a lady who worked as librarian, side to side. how is it two loves (comparative religion and library) came on point to my face like a strike. it is two loves which i told myself, i wish i could have been there. i wish i was her (the librarian).

i am learning to take all these signs. to point to me the way i could choose. and be at peace at it.

love song to me

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there’s a part of me you’ll never know
the only thing i’ll never show

hopelessly i’ll love you endlessly
hopelessly i’ll give you everything
but i won’t give you up
i won’t let you down
and i won’t leave you falling
if the moment ever comes

it’s plain to see it’s trying to speak
cherished dreams forever asleep

hopelessly i’ll love you endlessly
hopelessly i’ll give you everything
but i won’t give you up
i won’t let you down
and i won’t leave you falling
if the moment ever comes

goodbye 2017.

get back up

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w.d.y.w.f.m – the neighbourhood

it’s a good day today. it was bright. it was sunny. i would have loved to go out and soak up the sun. and then it rained heavily. it is a saturday. precious saturday. i don’t always have free saturdays as this. nor sunday, for that matter.

hubbylove is home too. catching up on his anime series. he loves it when i am around on weekends. i love it too. but the work i am doing, it is a luxury to have a full weekend.

i attended a two days workshop this week. i had hoped that the workshop will bring back some spark back. i was worried of the pending tasks i needed to complete. i half regretted signing up for it. but i still attended it. the only consolation was that it was held at my workplace.

half way through the workshop, i thought, it was not so bad. the trainer made me feel like i can go through this for another year. i can face this. there were some tools and ideas i thought i could use during orientation. there is some silver lining somewhere.

i thanked the trainer after the two days workshop. i told him we enjoyed the training and learnt very practical and simple tools. what he did not know, i thanked him for bringing back a bit of hope. for a tinkle of bright future.

get back up. come back strong.

the day after

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i slept early last night. i was not tired physically, i did not do anything heavy duty, for the lack of a better expression. i spent quality time with my little companion. i watched The Crown on Netflix. i scoot to my parents’ house to feed the cat and walked back home. i cooked dinner. it’s not much. i barely sweat doing them all.

i was exhausted in me. strange. after 4 days of forced down time, i am more heavy hearted than ever. perhaps, seeing photos of a dinner get together, which i was not a part of, makes me feel more alone than ever.

i have been at this job for so long, but it strikes me that i am more and more alone now. i do not have anyone i can confide to. i put up a show and tried to smile. no one should know how much i am struggling. because the rest have to remain strong. and so i put up a strong face.

i woke up early this morning. in a daze, i sat up, and commented ‘oh the little one is hungry,’ and then i laid back on the warm pillow. Hubby about to wake up ready to go to work. but i didnt sleep back as always. fed the little one. prayed Subuh. read a page of the Qur’an. ma’thurat. got ready for work.

i couldnt decide whether to scoot, to take the train or to walk to work. i omitted scooting. i aimed to get 10 000 steps today.

after a hard time, as always, of saying goodbyes to the little one. i left for work. 5 minutes past 9. i am late. i could still walk to work. that will take me 20 minutes fast pace. i couldnt decide. got out of the lift and walked as if towards the walking path. and then i turned around. crossed the road towards the mrt station.

it’s a sign. i couldnt decide on what to do. it is a simple choice. but i was unsure. i decided on one, and at the last minute, changed the decision. without basis. without reason. other than… what?

it is a sign of indecisiveness. a sign of unsurety. uncertainty. unknown. i have been indecisive for the longest time in 2017. i let people decide for me, or i let the course go find its way, or then, like a bull heading straight on to the target without thinking of its consequences. i am tired of thinking. i am tired of making decisions. sshhh…be quiet. i do not want to decide.

i am writing. sad mode. i am not whining i hope. i loath whining. perhaps this is an expression of my inner feelings. i think i want to do the timeline again, my sadness could still be in the deep core of my heart. what is it? can i let go of this sadness?

stop. keep moving.

/ livingseri / Leave a comment

so here i am. sitting at the dining table. my furry little companion sitting next to the box of tissues. sleepy but trying to stay awake as she looks my fingers typing this post.

and then i stroke between her ears. trying to tell her, it’s ok sayang, go ahead and sleep, i will still be here. she closes her eyes.

it is a good sunny day today. surprisingly bright and hot after days of stormy rains last week. there had been many planes flying over hougang skies. could be some airforce training. probably due to the clear skies today, perhaps they also take the opportunity to fly and protect. well, the peace around is sometimes disturbed by the thundering sounds of the planes.

the radio has been on for days. i think it is perpetually playing Kiss 92. i dont really care what songs came up. when i’m alone, it provides some noise, and perhaps some good songs got played, i could dance to it, i could sing to it. but nowadays, it plays christmas songs too. and then i tell myself, my God, this is a Muslim house, why are we playing this channel?

so i got up and change to the Malay channel, Warna 94.2fm and perhaps the call of prayer will be played soon. perhaps that is what has been missing in this house.

what i did today? woke up feeling heavy at heart. worried. anxious. unclear. i did some exercise, following a youtube video from the BodyProject channel. and the most consistent so far i had done all week. perhaps finally i found a channel that could make me exercise, that wouldnt make me jump so much because of these pains on my knee (the doctor said i am too young to have knee pains). perhaps an exercixe routine that doesnt tell us to do too many steps at a time, because honestly i could not follow the steps. well, this particular video i am following is doing cardio workout for beginners. 5 days following it. i enjoyed it.

i sit in front of my MacBook Air. braving myself to read emails, work emails. i read them. but i don’t have the energy to reply to any of them. and i don’t care. i have the classes list from google docs on automatic. looking at it makes me sick and helpless. i still need teachers but i dont know what i can do about it. maybe if i look at it long enough, it will be filled up with teachers’ name magically and i could finally rest in peace. every day, i worry about it. all i can do is to post up the poster on facebook, forwarded the same poster in whatsapp group. and nothing or no one ever come up. i don’t know how to face 2018.

i felt bitter. seems like everyone i know is going away on vacation. and i am still here doing nothing and suffering. my heart is heavy. i worry too much. because there is so many things needed done. but why am i the only one worrying? do no one else seems to care? i feel tired and sick of doing this every year.

i tell myself i should not feel sick. i should not feel bitter. but by telling myself this, am i running away from my real feelings? am i trying to make myself feel better then? do i?

i want to do nothing. i want to think of nothing. i want to free myself from responsibilities. i want to dissolve my leadership because i feel like i have done everything but everything is not enough. i am tired. i am scared.

and then i tell myself. stop. keep moving.