some.sense.of.security

As it is

34th Syawal

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i turned a year older in the islamic calendar every 3rd Syawal.

i have to say its been melancholic and bitter sweet this year. i absolutely have no desire to go visiting or receive guests. i only feel all the exhaustion of ramadan starting to sink in and all i need is some quiet time to recharge. i have already given up of having to rush everytime first day of syawal and that inner fight of having to prioritise one family over my own. always having to give in. so if Ramadan is exhausting, Syawal is excruciatingly painful.

but i think i am having that today. a day of just me in this room. although the construction donwstairs and the short moments of having a fire at a neighbouring flat create some excitement and noise that you learnt to block out.

i have been a very sad person this year. i really is. so pardon me if this post is going to be some dreadful and boring post, if anyone is actually reading.

i feel like i lost some spark. i lost interest in work. i feel im not good enough. i feel tired all the time but i have to say its not physically tired, but emotionally, mentally and perhaps, even spiritually draining. i tried to overcome. it gets better and then it goes down again. its like my life graph goes up and down, up and down in steep curves. but i guess it is slowly getting better, i hope.

because life needs to move on and i hate feeling down. it gets better after a recharge. reading, just keeping quiet from the world, isolate myself a bit, because people bring pain.

i hope i can relive the spark, the purpose from what i am doing. perhaps find something that will excite me again. give me a sense of importance, a sense of being. i did timeline therapies and seemed to help. or maybe just a quiet time will do. and i am really appreciating every moment of it because once i start work, it will be nonstop.

Allah please help me. as You always do. as You always have. because this job is not for me to own. please guide me if whatever decisions i have to do. please guide me if it is for the best, for me, for my family, for the community. if it is not, please make it easy for me to leave it. Amiin.

perhaps, someday, i will find true happiness, significance and sincereness in what i am doing.

two third struggle

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its two third of ramadan.

i have not managed to pray tarawih since. but i managed to keep up with tahajjud for many days now. that is the only consolation, if i can say so. my nights, rather, were filled up with looking after children in the activity room we provided for this ramadan.

it’s very tiring. especially on days when i came in at normal working hours, helped with iftar preparations, and right after maghrib, i will have to get ready at the classroom dedicated for the children. and then when i finally wrapped things up, usually about at abot 10.30pm, i scoot back home, clear up the kitchen and prepare something for sahur, before hitting the shower and devote an hour for tahajjud and Qur’an reading.

i had a day or two iftaring at home but most days hubby will be alone. and on these one two days, i don’t feel guilt but i do worry about the activity room. like i know there are one or two volunteers who will be there but i may worry if they could handle it.

i try to do what i can do as much as i can, for the mosque. but i honestly dont have the same energy i would have say, maybe 5 years ago? i feel tired and burdened most days. especially on ramadan. because i try so hard to serve the mosque and not neglect the family too. it has been a constant battle every year. but i guess i am already numbed to the battle and its just do-what-i-can and pray-Allah-accepts whatever i did. not for comparing, not for people to say i stayed more than others, not for anything. it’s a constant reminder of doing things liLlahi ta’ala. it’s not easy though when you are fighting demons and people’s expectations and comparison. but i have learnt to erase them thoughts.

i think this time around, as mentioned before, it really is about me. im trying to bring back the flame that was lost. im trying to slow down and find me. do i still love what i’m doing? why do i feel like im not progressing and stuck in a rut somewhere, not able to move on, not able to feel success and feel like im a failure all the time.

but perhaps tonight is where it ends.

your many lifetimes

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after a couple of years contemplating and fighting with the demons, or maybe for the lack of a better word, procrastinating. I had the desperate need to do the timeline therapy which i had learnt sometime in 2014. I do not know why. I think it was just the self wasnt ready to find the truth? to face the truth? and if i don’t face it, i cannot move on. literally move on.

for many days, i relooked into my nlp textbooks, trying to recall and rereading the dialogues, went through legit youtube videos on it. i always had trouble visualizing the timeline where you had to float back and up to the past and back again to the future. and i realized its really is trusting your unconscious mind to do the ‘job’. i still remember asking my trainer how do i ‘imagine’ it going back and forth and it was really because i think too much, she said literally that, don’t think too much. and then i asked myself how do i separate the thinking from the unconscious?! there’s really no need to ask.

but i did ‘train’ myself to find that unconscious zone doing countless practising with my pendulum.

and then just one night, after doing revision, i felt this is it, i have to do it now. release the emotions. pictured my trainers in my mind, like asking permission, and ‘just do it’. i had released anger during my training, but somehow, i thought i could do it again and then move on to sadness, fear, hurt, guilt. did the anger few times though, because i wasnt sure i was doing it right. doing on your own anyway, so i was like closing my eyes and then relooking at the dialogues, but it can be done. with eyes open, yes it can. its not the vision we are looking for, its the unconscious. somewhere between practices, i think im doing it all wrong. again, the thinking. but once i got the ‘flow’ i was sure of doing it. and really, for being not ‘thinking too much’ during the whole process, my unconscious ‘helped’ me move and put me where i am supposed to be, i am a visual person and its always i need to see it or picture it right with the details, but i let go and the ‘pictures’ were not perfect, but it was shaped by the UM and i just follow it.

the answers or memories i received were ‘weird’ it doesnt make sense really, and even now, i may not be able to describe them to you what i saw, and also made that ‘mistake’ of not writing them down after every timeline because i was from one emotion to another as i didnt want to lose that unconscious authority i was having at the moment.

but briefly, the anger brought me to a different time from when i had that anger released the first time, i do not know whether that can happen. i had a different lifetime when i first tried it, but this time around i was brought to a childhood time, different types of anger, maybe? but i did remember that moment clearly. very clear.

there was one within two months in the womb for sadness, and how do you picture yourself in the womb then? i didnt, my unconscious gave me a picture of my younger mom feeling sad and i knew i wasnt allowed to question what’s happening at this point of time but what is it foetus me were going through. when i came back to the now, i had the urge to ask my mother what happened then, but i didnt because what i learned then it was an emotion i shared with my mom through our umbilical cord on whatever she is facing at that moment, it wasnt mine. it was hers, perhaps too personal for her too. maybe one day a story might revealed from her. i got to trust my UM.

fear brought to a 3 lifetime and it was a ghostly experience. i was like s*** why did this happened? i cant face it man! but i learnt it was not something i could control eh. actually felt the hairs standing a bit in that situation. i was like s*** get this over with. Trust Allah. it get spiritual ayy.. quickly came back. i had to phewwww that moment out. please know i was doing all this at night, i was alone in a different room, hubby was sleeping already. but there was no more fear. still it doesnt mean im cocky and smug now. they exist that’s all.

hurt was hurtful. it was lifetimes away, i was hurt in an abusive manner. how? i dont know. i cant see who hurt me, but i saw a me lying crying full of hurt. wow. i came back feeling a bit numb, but it was not to find answers, lifetimes away. i just touched my heart and comforting myself. but i learnt that hurt feeling was the one thing i wasnt able to face. i was fearful of getting hurt. it had always been at the back of my mind. perhaps with the release of fear, i was able to face that hurt.

had to break state like really break state. took a drink read a book before moving on to guilt.

guilt was hard. it wasnt difficult to find that emotion, it was what i had been feeling for so long now. and the past, there were many guilts along the way, i kept on floating further back to the past. i couldnt picture them all. but the final pic was pretty clear to me. i was walking away leaving someone behind and there was so much guilt there. i dont why or who of course, i was just surrounded by trees and remembering just standing there in the middle of ‘nowhere’ saying over and over again ‘im sorry i had to go’, couldnt even begin to look back to who it was i was leaving. the emotion was there. not looking back was the trigger. but i told this me, the learning process, i did what i think was right at that moment and that person might had let you go. i had that small inkling it was to save that person, whoever i was leaving. cant change the past. it happened.

break state. test state.

it was exhausting. i just sat here reviewing all that i went through. or rather the me of different lifetimes whoever me was then. just sliding back in my seat. staring into space for awhile. saying thank me UM. and wondering why didnt i do this much earlier. really Seri.

but i had one the most sound sleep i had that night. woke up feeling light. i can face anything. there’s so much hardwork and difficult times, but i know i can face it and face the consequences if there is, with an open heart. there’s no heavy feeling. just monitor the emotions from now on. and heal me. but it wasnt dreading. it was uplifting.

i guess i did alright with the timeline.

pull my self back

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2017 has been hell of a welcome. quite a roller coster of emotions and mental peaking on and off. these two months has been such a difficult time for me i almost crashed and burnt.

i am not in a healthy state mentally and emotionally to record the life i went through for the past months. but suffice to say i am healing my self. i need to be silent for a few days to allow myself to recall who i am and why i am here, because i feel like im going down at such speed that if i don’t step back, i could damage everything and lose it.

already i am having headaches almost daily. i cannot think straight and make proper decisions. sometimes i hear people talking but then i blanked out and i couldnt understand what they are saying. like i need to stop and listen to whoever is talking say it out one by one. i cannot be fast paced anymore because i couldnt decide properly. i start to have doubts and not taking risks. i couldnt decide what is better for anyone or anything to do with work anymore. i couldnt finish my work fast enough.

i really feel like i need to just literally stop doing anything. because i have so much dedication for this whatever it is i am doing, if i don’t stop, im just going to fall off the cliff.

please, allow me to have some breathing space and pull my self back.

Just Be, Seri

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finally.

a saturday to chill. the start to what i call for my self my sabbatical week.

i have made it a point to take a week’s off from work every december (i think this is my third year doing this) to do a few things.

it’s not for holiday travels because my travel months seems to be either march april or september october periods.

it is my sabbatical week where i took time to devote myself to the house like cleaning and rearranging and throwing stuffs, material detox in that manner i should say. most days i, we, dont always get to clean the house properly apart from the weekly menial housechores. we just tend to dump everything in some wardrobe or shelf. so this is the time for me to go through my things and sort them out. just really keep things organized and in perspectives. sometimes i would give away clothes or threw expired stuffs or sell them away to carousell. and satisfaction every time.

i take this week to also learn and relearn. anything to do with my line of work which means either the education line and/or the religious line. i take it as my refresher periods because it is easy to drown one self into the demands of paper work and people’s expectations and forget why you are doing this line in the first place. things can get a bit mundane and when i start to read either books or articles on education, learnt something new and get myself excited and motivated to do it all over again.

i take this week to strip myself of my own expectations and limiting beliefs, open up my nlp workbooks and re-instate my thoughts and unconscious mind. it’s when i put myself back together, throw away negative thoughts and prepare myself for the year ahead.

but i also take a bit of time to do some planning and visualise the projects that we could do. the kinds of personal development that i want to achieve.

and just focus on my time and HIM. bring back habits if they falter along the way. humble my self because we always forget. i miss my talks to HIM. and every year i need guidance from HIM, because eventually what i do, is because of where HE puts me in life.

but lately i am beginning to think it’s just an excuse i keep telling myself. perhaps i am afraid of moving out of this comfort zone and not willing to venture out by saying that no one is able to take the job i am doing. perhaps i am just lying to myself. i need to find answers. perhaps now is the time.

anyway, looking forward to the week ahead. and perhaps more blogging period! i have so many things to talk and update. other people’s lives look so exciting than mine. but! i do have to be grateful with my experiences. and make life interesting!

you have to make it to live it. life doesn’t come to you. you know how they say live life to the fullest. but how do i do it? how do i live my life to the fullest?

make gratitude. make memories. make laughters. make smiles. make love 😛
make my self body heart and mind feel and be whole again.

just Be, Seri.

birthday wish

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so that poem has been playing in my head almost the whole day since morning. perhaps it came because i am a year older starting tomorrow. perhaps it came because it seems like every other person i know is getting pregnant by the dozens. ok, exaggerated. i mean, i am jealous of people who seems to be so easy to get pregnant, sometimes lost one and then poop, another one comes. like don’t they ever stop reproducing? and i am honestly sorry, but i cannot be happy seeing you with a baby bump. you, whoever you are. it’s like hi, so long never meet, and suddenly, what, another one? already? you know those awkward moments. because i don’t know how to react anymore to hearing pregnant news and you, no doubt, do not know how to react knowing i have not yet any. and then it is better to just keep quiet.

i have never really say it out loud. but hearing news after news just breaks my heart. i want to be happy for other people, but there is always a rip that i can hear in the deep core, i ended up feeling numb. and then i just retreat in my shell and pretend life goes on as usual. when it is not. because someone else will have an addition in the family, because someone else will get to be busy and start posting pictures of anything and everything related to babies, because someone else’s life has changed and i am still here. still me. still just me, no upgrades yet.

still, i am pretty much lucky and fortunate. because my aunts and uncles, even his side, never and i say, have never pressured us or questioned us. i guess, its pretty much in the family.

we will keep trying. eventually Allah will answer our prayers.

so, happy birthday to me. my wish: a baby, please.

but my wish and prayer too, that Allah protects me and my husband, and family. i have been truly blessed with so much more from Allah, that sometimes im ashamed to be yearning for a baby, because really, Allah knows better what is good and right for me. He definitely knows when i will be ready to receive His gift or otherwise. He knows the mystery of what lies ahead for me. so for all that He has bestow on me and my husband and my family, i am grateful. and saying i am grateful is not enough. i am grateful to be breathing till now and may Allah grant me longevity and health and strength to serve and accomplish what He lays ahead of me.

Ya Allah, embrace me and my husband in Your love, mercy and protection.

so much from and for this man. thank you for loving me.

26 Ramadan

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Left with a few more days of Ramadan. SubhanAllah. Time flies so fast almost without realising it.

Every Ramadan has its own set of challenges, so i mentioned to some friends. indeed it is. whether its personal, or workwise, or in my case, service to the mosque’s perspective.

i remember last year’s ramadan. i was having such a hard time inner me, it was not just about physical work which was never an issue for me but it was the tension between colleagues that lingered around in the office. there seemed to be no one to trust. i was like an observer but also a part of it. it was really difficult for me because it was not in my nature to betray or think badly of anyone. and having had to experience them, i couldnt turn to anyone except to Allah, to guide me, to show us the truth. i was deeply affected by the whole fiasco because they are good colleagues, but circumstances changed them. i was not able to do anything about it but Masya Allah, the truth revealed itself out of the blue.

this year. i realised i was much calmer. i knew i would enter ramadan in the midst of some busy mode for the holiday programmes that we are having. but 4 things i set intention to:

1) focus on the ibadah, terawih, reading Qur’an, zikir, tahajjud the works.

2) give focus on work, holiday programmes, a balance on normal work routine and ramadan/iftar duties, and helping out at the muslimah levels of the mosque.

3) i want some balance of doing wife, daughter, sister duties during ramadan. what this means is, i do not want to leave my family out just because i felt the need to be around to help out during iftar prep. previously, i would spend more time at work than i am at home during ramadan. i think i pretty much handled it well this time. did my duty sometimes 4 days out of 7, and the rest at home and with family.

4) i do not want to stress myself with the shoes mess and the saf mess. perhaps this sounds weird. but really every year, i feel so stressed out everytime i see these messes that i took it upon myself to do everything. and then got angry when it wasnt done properly. this year, i am just ‘letting it go’, i did made some posters around and i did, still, ask the ladies to fill up the saf properly, i did run up and down to check the levels, but i don’t feel angry anymore. i did my part, and the rest, i leave it to Allah. because at the end, Allah accepts our ibadah, insya Allah. i just want to stay calm, it is ramadan after all. i do not want to get so worked up. perhaps i am used to comments or angry faces whenever i asked people to fill up the saf, but really, i forgot about them once i started listening to the imam reciting the surahs in the rakaats. my last resort when people don’t move, i move. and prove to them that we all fit in just nice, just close the gap already! if you don’t move, well, your problem, not my problem.

so Alhamdulillah, i feel at peace. it is true. Allah will make things at ease. because i only hope for His forgiveness and His guidance. The mosque is His. i just want have to be more assertive on the saf t hingy that’s all. but again, i think people are getting better at it. they don’t listen still, but i did see some who are willing to fill up the saf gaps. so it’s some progress.

now, just some anchoring for the eid prayer, because things have got to improve.

​i hope the last days of ramadan this year will be fruitful too. i am super glad that i will be clearing my off in lieus till raya and so insya Allah, i am looking forward to a week’s worth of no work. 🙂 because i think i desperately needed it. since we havent been travelling, i just need to let myself out of workzone. introverts needed that.

Eid Saeed.

a week on hiatus

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i have to say my work energy has been very low this week. brain drain and unable to make decisions. i couldnt finish work faster. i take it from a positive point of view. just the time and opportunity to take it slow. because really, after ramadan, it will be one thing after another.

currently doing continuations for 2017 and then siblings registration and then the public. some decisions need to be made, like should we have night classes for certain levels or how do i manage some requests to change sessions and stuffs like that. i am honestly quite nervous.

but not before my raya-rest week. trying to clear all the off in lieus. pretty much looking forward to that. not that i will be doing much visiting, i would have preferred to stay home and rest. in any case, hoping that afterwards, this work energy will come back as normal. yes, i feel tired, exhausted sometimes and i dont even know why. its not like i have children to take care of after work, or extra moonlighting or studying…i guess its pretty human to feel a bit demotivated. or perhaps i just need to find something new to work on. or it is just my pattern like this,in june, it will be a bit slow and then gear up again come july. perhaps i have worked hard from january to may.

not to worry though. i have mentioned it to a colleague, that i have left my career to God. He will decide for me as He knows what is best for me. If i am still needed here, i will persevere and do the best i can. if there is someone better who can take over this job and it is time for me to go, He will guide me then. truly, me being here is not so much my decision, but planned as He has. this mosque belongs to Him, He guards it and Wallahi, He knows. I am here because of Him, and if I leave, it is because of Him. some soul searching or soul retreat will help me in finding the passion back again.

you know how uplifting it can be to finally understand and embrace everything that happens is because of Him. so live. and just be. Allah is with the patience.

picture done with wordswag app.

mid ramadhan

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i am at work. but i feel like i would be better off at home. reading. watching games of thrones. catching up of dramas. re-watching charmed for the umpteenth time. clearing the room of stuffs, the wardrobe of old clothes. doing sewing alterations of my many jubahs. cooking. baking. a hundred other things i could do at home. just relaxing enjoying home whether at central or pv. anywhere but not at work.

it is the school holidays anyway. i feel like i want to do away from all this administrative things i have to do. to please other people. to fulfill people’s instructions and demands. my brain is going through very slow period at work. also due to the many rounds of headaches i have been experiencing these days. quite worried but i do not think it is serious enough for a visit to the doctor, although the headaches can be quite throbbingly painful and nauseatic, like you feel you want to vomit but you cant. yes panadol may not work sometimes. but it does get better after a day or two.

ramadhan has been good to me. i have put in some assertion that i do not want to tire myself with work. i do not want to stress myself with the different characters of people coming to the mosque for terawih. although sometimes i feel hurt. but at the end, i tell myself that, leave it to Allah. only He accepts our ibadah all the same, whether one is better than the other, it is not up to me. let it be, forgive them, don’t take it personally. leave it to Allah. and i feel freed and i was able to concentrate in my prayers.

i am trying to put in more effort spiritually and balance out the time at home and duty at work. i think im doing ok at the moment. i was able to buka with husband when i can, with one group of friends for a bday dinner, with my family for mom’s birthday and father’s day. so now i just want to put in extra extra points for the spiritual part.

We have had quite a number of holiday programmes this June. the most i think, in our mosque 7 years history. i am glad and grateful to the people who worked tirelessly and given their time and energy for the programmes. it is heartening to see the days filled up with students coming to the mosque and gaining knowledge, filling up their school holidays with beneficial activities. i am also relieved that parents support the programmes and send their children. and all lead by my teachers. but it takes some motivation and explaination to have them teachers see my vision of taking benefit from this holiday and ramadan to conduct several programmes, full time and part time teachers alike. we are left with three more sessions of iqra classes and one qiyam for teens 3 – youth 2 students. and then i promise myself i will not disturb them till raya. except for the occassional questions or messages. i am truly grateful to the teachers and i am glad that the initiatives and creativity the teachers had to conduct the programmes.

ok two more weeks to go. time sure flies fast. so let me indulge in these two weeks.

So help me Lord.

time alone

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i know. I’ve been repeating a lot about how much i need to recuperate as an introvert. i really did. it is important to me that i have this alone time because otherwise i really could not function.

i will not be able to be productive and efficient at work. i cannot move forward. i cannot make decisions and my mind is just floating somewhere up there unsure of how or where to move. i lost appetite. i drink sweet drinks like an alcoholic and risk my whole body itching, already I’m having scars on my legs. and worst is, my spiritual obligations are challenged, which i cannot let that happen. i know the symptoms already. i need to recharge and revalue my self.

and i have to say i have been ignoring my self care since all the visits i have been receiving and having guests, continuing to do work and of course the major korban event at the mosque and then the bbq, its just too much socialising, i honestly have not spared a thought for myself. so last sunday, honestly, my mind just have what i would say a mental shutdown. for a first time in my life, my work life actually, i just said to myself, i have had it i am not going to work today and i don’t care if I’m breaking any rules because i think i will be more wasted if i really dragged myself to work. i will end up doing nothing and just staring at my laptop, unable to do any work done. i just did.

of course, my rationale would be i came back to work during my off day some days ago. if you don’t seem to understand why i am working on a sunday, its ok, long story.

i am on a three days leave now since yesterday thursday. i got to do my own things, do some alterations to my dresses. sewing is so much hard work but i love the sound of the sewing machine. and the fact that i can sew in straight lines now is a huge achievement. its almost like a therapy too.

cooped up in my condo today with lovely hubby who also needed the time off from work cause he’s been deadly busy. although he is on call and ready to be at his work corner anytime he’s called up, which is about now.

i love this room. i really am. surrounded by my books and seated at my wooden desk. i feel inspired already. i need to update my libib and probably start planning on free library corner ideas I’ve been having lingering in my mind.

grateful for this chance to recuperate. wholly.