some.sense.of.security

As it is

santorini baby!

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i forgot to say hello to september.

its going to be our fourth year. and we are celebrating it with a honeymoon to….Santorini!

i am so excited about it but i am also feeling a bit nervous about flying. the last time i travelled was last year’s hongkong. and i want, i need to focus on my trip, so i better make sure that my work work is pretty much cleared or delegated to next person in charge. hopefully coming back feeling refreshed and inspired. well considering that the very moment i stepped down, im going to be involved with Korban. i was actually feeling pretty anxious with all the work, but after discussing with my teachers, i realised it is not so bad after all. In Sya Allah.

i pray that everything will be well. me and hubby there and everyone else here. i am really nervous but i have to keep calm and enjoy this trip. because i need this vacation! both of us need this! perhaps if God willing, a baby is created here. amiin.

everything will be alright. tawakkal.

irrinoyed much

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so this morning i came in very early. on a sunday morning. at work. say what??

this is straight after a very exhausting friday night at a raya event where i was practically on my feet from the moment we stepped down at the venue (which is a horrible place) at about 6pm all the way to about 10.30pm. i actually could not recall if i even have a seat in the event. and after an emo heartwrenching moment at night, woke up early on a saturday for, what else, work lah kan. a whole day from 7am-6.30pm (because of all days, a pervert was lurking around and i just want to make sure that all students had left and gone home. if not for the volunteer and the mso who was working and assured me to be on a lookout, i would have called the police. i even had the courage to go face that man, who was apparently mental, and warned him to stop disturbing my students. if i see him again next week, i will not hesitate! a lot of things are at stake here if i do not do anything!!

and surprise, the only full time teacher supposed to work are unable to attend because of an insurance claim? for the benefit of doubt, im fine with it, but it cannot be done on a monday, is it?

and who can sleep and sit calmly at home thinking of what is going to happen back here if no one’s around???!!! and true enough, there are latecomers (not the students, mind you), the one without telling me that a relief is coming over and here comes technology s&*%$ big time and then i found out not all the netbooks are equipped with all the slides, pretty much something i have instructed way back in january and apparently it has not been done. i am close to scolding every relief teacher who was there. but no point right? so take deep breath, focus, endure it and just quickly do what needs to be done. and my trusty thumbdrives help alot in rushing times like this.

im just, really, if i die tomorrow, can the school move on, can the school function effectively? what will happen if i die tomorrow? i am not always a 5 mins drive away. for example today, one fulltime teacher down, i did not hear from other teachers who would volunteer to come down and be here, making sure things run smoothly. zilch. i think it is about time to teach the teachers to lead and be at the level where if i am no more around, people will know what to do. my weakness is expecting people to have initiative when in reality, they dont. they dont have the vision, the inititative, the creativity, the confidence. and it is up to me to develop that.

for now, i honestly need my restorative period. desperate for one. because a four hour event and a whole day of work plus today, is really exhaustive for me.

15 Syaaban

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i have been quite calm these days. one of my favourite nights and a special, although short ‘meet up’ with the Lord. it is true they say. waking up at night and just have a true silent peaceful prayer with the Lord can make a difference in the days to come. and every year, when i woke up to this night, with all the doubts and sadness that i may have been enduring, feels lighter and less troubling. i was able to face the next day with much confidence and calmness with the understanding that help is on the way.

i am taking things one at a time now. and i will eventually know when the time is right. although now, i am getting different signs. i feel like almost a possibility to return back to my first love, which is, comparative religion. like there is hope for it. create that road. but everything at its right place and time. still God’s way of telling what to do next.

your God’s signs

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there are times when you need answers, God gave you answers in the most unexpected ways through unexpected people?
please believe in that.

i think i am getting some signs.

No. 1: My husband will always support me about becoming a housewife
No. 2: Out of a sudden, my teacher-mentor smsed me, although we were discussing about something, however, at the mention of her mother being in and out of hospital, my immediate respond was to tell her about my mother and she said she was actually thinking about my mother too. at the end of our conversation, she gave a simple straightforward statement. it brought me close to tears. and till now. i cannot stop thinking about it.

is it enough?

why is it so hard?

against If

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Reading Rasul Mulia, Umat Mulia, Akhlak Mulia.
I came to the page where the author talked about the idea of ‘andai’ or ‘if’ in English.

it’s a dangerous thought where we can go towards losing faith and trust to Allah. Astaghfirullah. I may have been guilty of that many times. Those ifs moments. and even few days ago, i was struggling with the idea of ‘what if i dont do anything and regret about it later’.

it is either i do what i think i need to do and leave the trust, TAWAKKAL IllAllah. isnt that what we have always been teaching our students? but of course, if you dont do anything, how then can you put your trust to Allah.

why is it difficult to make a decision Seri. what is it that you want to achieve?

i hope i am clear to myself that i am leaving the decision to Allah and I trust He will take care of my family.
wow. i never know, becoming thirty makes me think alot about my inner self. you really start thinking about your purpose and what is it that you want to achieve. but the need to balance it out with the whole spiritual point of view of it. already i am starting to think that i am going back to those identity-building years and embracing it more because it is just me. but now the decision making is a whole different story. i have always been bad in decisions. i have always turned to God to lead me to what is right for me and believe that whatever i am doing now is at its right place.

and i am going to do just that. Ask for His guidance. no more If. it is either one or the other.

time travel

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i have always been fascinated with time travelling. although watching the movie Back to the Future wasnt what triggered it. it was actually the idea of angels, the Muslims ideal of angel, and the concept of light years or speed of light which i stumbled upon so many years ago when i was really into space and the universe.

and that this very concept was mentioned in the Al-Qur’an in Surah Al-Ma’arij:4
“To whom ascend the angels and the spirit in a day the length of which is fifty thousand years.”

i am blown away. the Qur’an and mathematical proof. i love time travel and sometimes i believe human, well at least, the human mind have that capacity and the possibility of doing it.

so i think i had the privilege of experiencing it during my first NLP class. i mean almost. it was this timeline therapy that the trainer was introducing to us. it has quite complicated steps and i wasnt sure it will work for me because my brain is still being conscious. my unconscious mind still quite dormant. it was some brain exercise there. but the key is to really tap into your unconscious mind and dont ‘think’ about it.

i went through it. and till now, i am still wondering how it was ever possible.

it was to get over anger, one out of five main human feelings. we close our eyes, relax and just listen and follow the instructions given by the trainer. i was brought into a recent moment when i was really angry. i thought i was quite a passive person and rarely got angry, but then again, i recalled a time i was really being angry, and an indication of it was that my hand shakes. got into that moment. so follow follow instructions, and what do i know. i was brought into one lifetime before i was born. and a picture came to mind.

i mean the image does not show much. it was more like a big field, almost like a desert, and i was looking at a van that was leaving me behind. but the feeling was definitely angry, for being left out, alone. when we ‘woke up’ from that experience, i was feeling really exhausted. the ‘travelling’ exhaust me. i asked my trainer, was there a meaning behind it? should i be worried about it? should i find answers? she said no. but till now, i can still clearly see that image in my mind. and wonder am i really out of anger now? well, i still feel angry now and then. that was me, well, that feeling i had was a me from before. i was totally stumped. i still can’t quite comprehend it. or i dont understand how it works. but i am one of a believer.

looking forward to my next NLP session and discover more! 🙂

womanhood

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so well, womanhood is just getting more real. im still getting over the traumatic moments of some medical checkups whereby for every uncomfortable claims that any woman made is pure pain to me. i am beginning to think that the reason i am not pregnant yet is probably because God knows i may not be able to take in the pain, and so He is sparing me all these trauma. wAllahu a’lam. we are trying and i leave it to Allah Ar-Razzaq and He knows what is best for us. at least, we still have each other.

oh hei, it’s june isn’t it? i did not even realise it and june doesnt mean anything to me because i have many tasks i want to be able to complete before the school reopens. well, except i will get 4 weeks of pure weekends. i applied for off-in-lieus for all my sundays coming back to work and thankfully it was all approved. i am so looking forward to truly spend the weekends with my husband. he deserves this and i owe him big time because he has just been patient with me all these while. my fate for the next 5 months starting July is not sealed yet. i have no idea what is going to happen and i do not want to think for it. i am just compartmentalising my brain and to do things one at a time, think and plan for things one by one and not everything at the same time, because it is going to be crazy.

i am a proud sister to my sisters who have just graduated last week and both gotten a job as soon as they had their convocation ceremony. siti in keppel and nuri in prison HQ. both getting the jobs they pretty much planned for. (even i dont plan properly, heck, i didnt know what i wanted to do back then and that’s why im stuck in this path). i am proud but i am also worried of what they are going to face in this harsh world. and more so the spiritual needs. i have been busy taking care of other people’s children, i barely think about my own siblings. i really dont know what have i been doing all these while. and that brings me to whether i am taking good care of my parents.

you see, my parents have had their days in the hospitals early this year. i felt it was a slap on my face that i have not taken care of them truly. and just recently i made more efforts to visit them and its becoming frequent nowadays. but my father still looks tired nowadays and my mother, she looked worst and being her, she is not taking this well. i want to be there for them, i want to cook for them and make sure they eat properly, i want to accompany them for their checkups, i want them to know i am here for them. and now that three of my siblings are working, except for the youngest, i feel that i could finally ease up on the financial needs and probably this is the time to take care of them.

except that i know, i have so many things i havent do back at work, i feel like no one can do the job im doing, although i dont think i am doing the job perfectly well either myself. so many expectations are dumped on me and i am afraid of letting them down. and maybe i am afraid of failing. i honestly could not fathom what is it that i am actually feeling.

but the crucial question will be, what if i dont do anything now, would i regret it later? would other people care if something happens to me and my family? definitely not, right? i am not a superwoman, and i cannot do everything. but maybe there is a hikmah behind all these and i just need to make a choice. the right choice. because i am feeling time is demanding me to take charge quickly and i am just being too slow.

and this guilt of knowing that i worked too much but not caring enough for my own family, my husband, myself. am i being fair? i can always say and pray that since i am doing so much for a holy place, surely God will take care of my family. but what if working too much means i am neglecting my own responsibility, my initial purpose and then bammm, i got hit on the face real hard only to realise it is too late to do otherwise?

i am now doing whatever i could. for every minute that i act i dont care, i am really thinking hard and my feelings just fighting within….and just maybe my unconscious mind will give me the answer i need.
well, old brain, maybe we need to spend a bit of me time…

sadness

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I was in pain yesterday. today, this morning, I just feel sad. I feel sad that teachers were being doubted their sincerity in teaching. I feel sad that a parent accused teachers as not sincere in teaching. I feel sad that some people accused this mosque as being uncaring. I feel sad that they think we do not care for our students. I feel sad that my colleagues are being wronged. I feel sad that my colleagues do not have a good supervisor to look up to. I feel sad that there is so much sadness and disappointment happening in this place. I feel sad that we are being misunderstood for things that we did not do. I feel sad that we are being put to blame for all the mishaps in this society.

I feel sad that people do not understand us. I feel sad that people up there do not understand the difficulties we are facing. I feel sad that we do not understand one another.

Your God’s Love

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i am in pain.
honestly.
and if anyone asked how does it feel to have a papsmear checkup? i would tell her its a nightmare.
it still is.
and no, i am NOT going to give you details about it. and NEVER will.
my level of pain tolerance was 0.
and like the crybaby i have ever been, the moment i see my mother, i burst into tears like there is no tomorrow.

but what i want to tell you here is how Allah sent me comfort and companion throughout the ordeal.
i went there alone with the innocent thought of it would be a normal checkup. but when it was not, i am just glad that there was a male doctor who lent his right hand to be ‘crushed’ by me and two female nurses who cared for me not leaving me alone for the next half hour i was left to rest in the doctor’s room. and one of them a Muslim nurse, whom i could ask some intimate questions.

and what are the odds that when i was well enough to walk, feeling alone and in pain and still feeling like i can faint anytime, i went to the taxi stand with not enough cash (although i asked my little sis to wait downstairs with some cash to help pay the taxi fare). with a long queue, i turned around and see a malay lady queuing behind me. i asked her. ‘Kak, could you save me this queue, i need to sit.’ she smiled and she said no problem, go ahead and sit.
and then, she asked, where i lived, i gave her my parents’ home and surprise surprise, she lived nearby, clearly, Hougang Ave 8 blk 677, why not we take the same taxi?

I am truly touched and I know this is God’s work. i am so grateful with His help when i was in pain and in need. Thank You Allah for taking care of me.

Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah.

selfish thoughts

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i know. i am very sleepy now. i am exhausted beyond comprehension. ok that is exaggerated. but i just want to lay on this bed and read and do nothing else. i still managed to stirfry some vegetables for dinner, folded laundry and ironed a shirt but for everything else, i just had it. no one even bothers to clear the garbage. at times like this, i dont even care myself. i worked hard and tried hard. i just need some understanding and care.

seriously. no one cares.