some.sense.of.security

As it is

letting the cables sleep

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i know why i am feeling this melancholic feeling. it could be due to the overwhelming things i have to complete and the many other things that are bugging my brain. so i go back to that time in the past where i was fighting with my finding who i really am. and then i start listening to songs from the past feeding the emo, so to speak. because i feel like that is where i need to be. because that was a time i believed i knew who i am. it had never changed since then. it was a matter of adjusting, adapting and finding a balance to what i really am now. i was not perfect. it was a difficult balance. and if i want to find that balance, then just maybe this job is not the right job for me because it requires me to be perfect. and i am not. never will be.

this could also be due to this biological mess of irregularities and hormonal reflexes keeps making me teary eyed at every single thing and single thought. i am back to either having that rebellious streak or that of bringing myself down. arrgghhh this constant fight. how do i tear myself away from all these? i feel like im only putting on a mask. you know i am not functioning well rationally from what i am writing now. p.e.n.a.t.

so maybe this song will help. speaking of which, where are all these bands??!

mudahnya menjemput rezeki

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Mudahnya Menjemput RezekiMudahnya Menjemput Rezeki by Fathuri Salehuddin
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

I am truly surprised when i key in the title of the book here in goodreads and it is available here! a good soul must have included in. A very good book and reminds us of the simple things that we have, to be grateful for what we had worked for or received. love the spiritual tips shared and the importance of giving. after reading this, i have set for myself some goals to achieve. Insya Allah.

View all my reviews

precious two days

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the way i see it, i am beginning to see these two days off as some form of rezeki. you know how rare it is for me to have a two day straight off with me coming back to work on sundays and becoming pretty much e.v.e.r.y.w.e.e.k

i feel like at least once in a month thus far, i am able to take two days off, due to the public holidays we have been having. it has been a very busy year yes. and during these two days luxury, i had been able to spend time with husband, with family and do some me thing be it reading, blogging, cleaning up, scrapbooking or sewing.

so for today, i am finally going to be able to sit down and read up my school textbooks to revise and get down on the assignments i am due end of this month. and then move on to hectic weeks till, let me see mid of June?

I am really hoping to take some days off to do some sewing from raya too. honestly, i am scared to face the weeks ahead. 😦

rejabku

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Rejabku penuh sibuk
Rejabku pantas berlalu
Rejabku hanya tugas bertalu
Rejabku jangan hilang begitu

Rejabku penuh pilu
Rejabku terusik qalbu
Rejabku khabar sayu
Rejabku jangan marahkan aku

Rejabku lihat dakwah sana
Rejabku disini dakwahku
Rejabku menanda tanya
Rejabku, apa yang dikejarkan?

Rejabku, luaskan dakwah ku
Rejabku, ikhlaskan ibadah ku
Rejabku, laksanakan amanahku
Rejabku jangan hilang begitu

Allahumma baariklanaa fii Rajab wa Sya’aban, wa ballighnaa fi Ramadhan

rezeki re-understood

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So i never really thought about it. but i was reading this rezeki book which is on loan, and a particular ayat ‘shoots’ at me.
“…Whoever fears Allah, He brings forth a way out for him, And provided for him with what he needs from where he does not even imagine. And whoever places his trust in Allah, He is sufficient for him. Surely Allah accomplish His purpose. Allah has set a measure for every thing.” At-Talaq:2-3

something seems to strike a chord in me with this ayat, and i was just thinking how i am just ‘thrown’ into this job with zero knowledge and having to move on and just do it. i guess that is how He is providing me with what i need. the things i need to learn comes in various ways and from different people. and thus far, He has lead me to meet people who would help me get back up again. Truly ya Allah, You have helped me and I have been blind.

another thing that strike me was how the author was saying that whatever we own may not be necessarily be our rezeki. well that takes a lot of digestion and reflection. rezeki should be what we can benefit from. aahhh now i get it. (really i get it just at this moment i was writing this down). that is why we prayed for ilman nafi’an, useful knowledge, because if we learn and it aint useful, then it was not our rezeki, even though we have been learning them and ‘own’ the knowledge. ok, now makes me want to really read up all those books i have been buying with the hopes to gain knowledge, otherwise, i will be owning them books but i do not gain anything from them, so it aint my rezeki.

ok thanks, i really get it now.

anyway, the book gives 4 simple formula for success which is also a form of rezeki (it is not always about the money, as the song goes, heh)
1. Syukur and Redha
2. Zakat and Sadaqah
3. Taqwa and Sillaturrahm
4. Istighfar

it seems easy enough, these are things i have been hearing since back in school. but it’s always doing it which is the real test. i am going to do some planning and goal setting to carry out the formulas.

insya Allah, small steps.

fulfillment

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my own lovely laptop is giving me this flow of creative juices in writing. i love it.

at work now, but working on this laptop instead of the pc make work more purposeful. but sorry, i am actually stealing a bit of time because i cannot wait to write this down. it is 8 more minutes to lunch time though. and its monday! i do not function properly on mondays nowadays because i am now working on both weekends. i have missed many weddings due to this ok! pfft! and yes, with only friday as my off day. i definitely can take off in lieus but my working on sunday means i am taking over a class actually teaching two whole sessions. so come monday, which is my actual working day, i have to come back because all my administrative works awaits me. so tell me when can i take off in lieu?

why am i back on sundays, apart from just overseeing just making sure things are ok, i am now taking over two classes, although we have advertised looking for part time teachers, we have yet to receive any applications. its been a month, coming to two already! oh come on, i have been coming back on sundays since school starts in January! its been one thing to another!

back to my point, i am only taking over, but i am also beginning to care for the students a lot. i have not been teaching for quite some time, and coming back to teach takes a bit of adaptation and mindsetting but i am beginning to really love the students. i am concerned on what they will learn and benefit from?

particularly yesterday. i decided the students need a bit of important additional lessons. i planned the lesson happily and purposefully hehe. and this was an enjoyable process actually because i attended lesson design workshop last month and now i am able to apply them, it did make more sense! and the most satisfying part of it all is when i was able to deliver the lessons as i have pre imagined it to be, and the faces of interest and questions the students asked, involved and just willing to learn. i see their faces light up and thinking expressions and reflections. taking down notes and even finding out there and then (through google though but a learning moment happening at that time as well). It truly is fulfilling. and i feel more love towards these students. the thought that they wanted to learn more and we may have been depriving them the right for that knowledge. SubhanAllah. i am truly glad we did those lessons, and thankful to one of my teacher who also developed a lesson plan for another class. and both of us think it had been such a fulfilling and satisfying class!

I have been enjoying a bit of my work lately with lesson designing and classroom observation, and putting together all the other tools and skills i learnt from my courses. being able to talk and discuss with the teachers about lesson and how we can improve them. it really is worth the time and effort. I feel more my self and what the work actually demands from me. not just paperworks and reports. i hope everything will turn out well for me especially.

Alhamdulillah. i guess it is also telling myself to ‘be present’ and able to carry out my responsibility as an employee and importantly as a wife as well. even though i was truly tired and aching, came back home, straight away to the kitchen to cook dinner for me and hubby. being able to balance and put things into perspectives and ‘compartmentalise’ them in its actual place, moment and time. it helps. and husband has been truly accommodating and patient with all my time away from work. we treasured those days when we are able to spend a full whole day just the two of us.

alhamdulillah.

and so, i think i deserve a gift for myself. that, a symbol of hard work. and continue for more hard work. but at least, looking at it might bring a smile.

be present

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i think nlp is helping me here again. for the past few days, i had to commit to family and social meet ups. its not that i dislike having them, it’s just that my introvert-ness sometimes rule more than the need to be involved in the gatherings. and i thought i would make a change. it is also an opportunity to practice some red thinking profile, as emergenetics has proven that i scored badly in this.

little did i know that reframing the mind is all that it needs for this self to come out of its shell and overcome shyness. yes, even with the family i need some coaxing because i just totally go lazy or ‘shut down’ if i need to go out have dinner outside. i know, chronic illness ah this shyness and homely attitude sometimes.:P

i just tell my brain – the unconscious mind 😉 ‘i need to be present.’ keyword. tops. just that. with a little bit of goal setting, i tell myself that i need to be present, i need to focus on my family/friends for today/now. it really helps.

when usually i would seem bored and quiet, i was able to strike up conversations and be involved in their conversations as well. i’m surprised at myself. just today, i had dinner with a group of friends which sometimes i find difficulty getting into, if you know what i mean, but today, i think i did better than usual. i am more my self. we talked we joked we laughed. i finally could truly enjoy a social meeting.

so its been days of birthday lunch and dinners. glad i spend dinner with some friends for May birthdays!

although by now, i am exhausted. it takes a lot to be present but no regrets. it is important to spend some time for friends. speaking of which there are other groups of friends which i have yet to spend time with, erk.. and i look forward to a restorative niche with my husband for this two days i am fortunate of having.

now, i need to be present for my husband.

ottoman may

reading regained

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i do not know what happened to my reading mojo the past few weeks. i may have been too busy or too sick to be reading. but thankfully, i think i have regained that mojo. hehe.

although currently reading a malay book. surprise surprise! but not a novel though. something useful and beneficial hopefully and i think i can pretty much finish reading it in a few days.

perhaps the hype of the book festival at KL and having some friends bought for me books from there since i couldnt go. and the book inventory i am currently in the process of doing and those which i may give away. and oh, maybe its the new box i bought for my bookmark collections and possibly i just miss reading. i truly do.

so glad to enjoy reading again.

bookmark holder

hard times

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i cannot sleep.

my brain is occupied with a lot of things. i am still recovering from my fever, still having those headaches and weak feeling you know. but back at work, as if angered by my medical leaving, i was bombarded by so many issues. i hated that i had to receive calls after calls and replying to now what seem to be trivial emails.

it seems like one after another things keep crashing on me. student problems are becoming an everyday staple and a huge gobsmacked at the back of my mind. seriously. i have not had a peaceful week, that i do not think or worry about a student problem. why am i the one to have to bear all these? i could very well fall back into high fever if i am not careful. oh well, now i have to think about teacher problems as well. as if the students are not giving me enough headache! too many things happening at the same time is making my body and brain go all haywire. i have 39.9 degree of body temp to remind me.

but practising nlp, i need to reframe this mind. redo my anchoring because somehow it is not helping at this point of time, i still feel anxious. really, reframe my mind because otherwise i go back to being a basket case. i need to sit quietly and think. i managed to have a quick reframing just now during my journey to class which surprisingly managed to change 180* of my mood. i was going to dread class but the reframing made me came to class with a positive mind because i need to absorb the lesson well.

i can do it.

not a superwoman

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finally succumbed to a high fever surprisingly at 39.9 degrees. even the doc was surprised. i guess it had been too much work, no proper rest and especially last week, no proper sleep for taking care of dear hubby.

am on 2 days mc. i dont mind 2 more days because i feel really weak and coughing badly than before. yesterday was worst and i was pretty glad hubby was home on mc too himself coz the roles are reversed. now it was him who sponged and made sure i ate my meds. so cute though. because i dont think i had the energy to even walk up go to the toilet. temperature subsides gradually.

i am feeling a bit better today. i am thankful for the mc though because knowing me, i would have pushed myself go to work and suffer.

i pray that both me and hubby get well very much soon Insya Allah.