some.sense.of.security

As it is

listen

/ livingseri / 1 Comment

Subhanallah.

I need to note this down because it is part of this search for myself phase that i am going through.

This morning i picked up the Qur’an. Used to be normal for me but i had to pick up this habit back again after quite awhile. And you know how i have been struggling with this mission:me and all these choices and fights i had between me and…me. So when i opened the book, taking where i left off, and subhanallah. The verse which came to me like a slap on my face. I do not know why and which part of my life but at that instant moment, it was like a wake up call to me. The beauty of the qur’an.

I have always believed in making connections with the AlQuran and always believed in finding answers from it. Always. I thought i have lost that connection but Alhamdulillah, that realisation hits me, that Allah still guides me. This weak servant still receives His mercy.

And the verse…well, that was me.. In times of need, i call up to Him and i will not deny that when i am happy and when things are ok..shameless. Whenever work was bad i asked Him to give me answers and tell me what to do but now i know…why do i seek Him only in times of need? When there are people out there in constant prayings and hoping to be in His mercy…we ask for this and that but we forget the blessings and the ni’mah already in front of us. I want all the goodness in life but i couldnt even give Him five minutes of my time in true prayer. Well, just last week the mufti was talking about the challenge to be khusyu’ in prayers. I wanted so much from God but i couldnt be what i am suppose to be. A humble servant. I feel like i have been doing it wrong all this while. The AlQuran is always like that. You can be reading it khatamulquran so many times but at just the right time and the right need, it just appears to you clearly and knock you on the head. Subhanallah.

Tell me, how many times have you read the verse:
“And when men is affliected by pain, he calls his Lord turning to Him passionately. Thereafter, when He blesses him with some favour from Him, he forgets that for which he was calling Him earlier….Can such people be equal to the one who worships during the hours of night, prostrating himself and standing, fearing the Hereafter and having hopes in his Lord’s mercy? Say can those who know and those who do not know become equal? It is only the people of understanding who receives the advice.” Az-zumar 8-9

And then He comforts me with the next ayat: “Say: o My sevants who believe, fear your Lord. Those who do good deeds in this world will have a good return and the earth of Allah is wide. Certainly those who observe patience will be given their reward in full without measure.” Az-zumar 10

When i came to that, i just had to stop and think about whatever that is going on in my life. Just few days back i was blogging and asking whether i gained rewards for serving the mosque and leaving my husband alone at home and ignoring my family altogether. How can i even question myself??!
Patience seri. Patience. This is the challenge the test that He gave me and i should be truly gratified because this challenge is nothing compared to some many people out there with real difficulties.

And then i was in dilemma of whether to continue doing this and get something else that pays more and then i realise again, patience seri. I have so many things i want to do and pursue. But i need to embrace what is already in front of me and do what is best because His rizq is wide. My time will come. And i will find time. Slowly but surely insya Allah.

He will guide me and my loves.

You know i remember there was a point in my life that i really stop finding and waiting. I really gave my full trust in Him that He knows what is best for me. I just stop looking. I saw people around me getting married one by one or having partners but i just stop having any emotional inclinations. I was going to do what is best for me at that time and it was an employment and making my family happy. I concentrated on that. And then Suhaimi came into the picture. I didnt realise it back then but true, it was that trust and tawakkal if i can put it that way. I didnt ask for love, it came to me. With flaws and all. But it worked. And nothing happened unless He wants it.

The point is. I return to that position. That giving wholly my destiny in life to Him. That true understanding of Him guiding me in this. I feel like tearing putting these thoughts here because i feel like i found my old self.

But its hard work. This journey will continue in contemplation.

One lesson in life at a time.

Thank You.

day nil: restart

/ livingseri / Leave a comment

i am really feeling the challenge of going through this contemplating me:mission. with all that is happening and my days all haywire, i just pushed all these thoughts and ideas away. it went right through the hole in my mind. forgotten.

last weekend was a short holiday for most people but it wasnt for me. in fact i worked extra long hours for two out of the three days.i dont know if leaving my husband alone at home and not doing my simple responsibility  as a wife, but instead spending two whole days at the mosque and coming back late from work, i dont know whether i am gaining rewards or otherwise?? he let me go, he send, bought breakfast and then he fetched me, he keeps quiet about it, he doesnt eat properly when i am not home and only had dinner when im home… so i really dont know if i get rewards for serving the mosque but leaving my husband home. and not forgetting almost ignoring my parents and siblings altogether. and that family outings were planned according to my time instead of the majority and when things dont go as I planned, i got mad at them.

this is my challenge. or better termed as dugaan in malay.

i used to think my life was quite smooth going, and that things are going fine but i realised it is not. this is my obstacle in life, a challenge a choice which i i find myself always fighting. i still am. inner and outer. everything my mind my body my soul. and unless i make that ultimate choice can i embrace the true me.

and honestly, i am very worried about my physical self. my closest friend advised m to go for a check up, she even gave me her doctor’s contact and i cant even bother to pick up the phone and make a checkup, alasan being i dont have time. it frustrates me.

i do not like having to choose between work and family, but most of the time, i feel my self screaming angrily at me, not knowing whether i make the right choice or not. it has to be a conscious and willing choice. not forced or just because i have to. this needs some thinking.

turning 30 is about knowing what you are and your purpose. i thought i found my passion and i know what i like doing. i know what i want to pursue. in truth, i have many things i know i can do and want to do.

my limitations was confidence and my intelligence. my weakness was once i feel im not good enough, i fell into a black hole and shut myself up. the problem is, i should not feel that i am not good enough because it limits my potential, my thought process and my productivity.

Lord help me.

contemplating seri

/ livingseri / Leave a comment

hello May.

April had been bittersweet but it did end beautifully.

turning 30 is really a conscious effort in me. the whole of me.

with all these thoughts and experiences i am going through i thought it is best to record it. maybe i should return to traditional writing. but in any case i created a blog just for this purpose.

contemplatingseri.wordpress.com

it is a way to understand myself better, the way i think and lead life, and the changes, for the better.because life has always been a constant fight. it is time to conscious of this fight and make a choice.

help. needed.

/ livingseri / Leave a comment

Im tired of always having to bring myself up whenever the motivation is low. I couldnt make it into a constant part of my life. Its like i can feel happy and positive and another instant, i feel so low and started crying without apparent reasons other than tired, up to a point that i wonder whether i am depressed and should seek medication.

Its a constant fight. My heart my mind my body my soul is like fighting not knowing which part of me to follow.

Is it this turning on 30? I look at other people amf thought they are doing better than me. I guess i am living others’ expectations towards me. It was never about me, is it? Like its about the mosque, its because of the children, the students, it is about the teachers, it is about who will take over if i leave. It is about who can do the job im doing now?

Sometimes im sick of working i just stare at my pc doing nothing.

going on 30

/ livingseri / Leave a comment

I have been thinking these days. Quite random actually but its almost like a self reflection thinking.

I am going on 30. This year. I have been thinking have i acheived success thus far? Is this what i want to do? Is this good enough?
I have always thought i can do so much more. I am destined for bigger things. But what, i dont know yet.

Its just that apart from working and helping my family now and then, financial wise i am not there yet. I am not into luxury and fashionable items but i do look to travelling. I am twenty years away from half a century and i dont know if by that time i am financially free. I am saving up now. But it would be nice to see my money grow. And it would be really nice to be able to do zakat every year.

You know what my dream is? For my whole family to do haji together. Alhamdulillah my parents have gone to umrah but i aim for haji for them and the rest of us. And then travel see the world together.

And then there’s the success part. Do i still see myself ‘here’? Doing the same thing every year. Or is there something out there for me to explore? I definitely still have the study part to accomplish which i havent got to do yet due to the savings.

What about my husband? He has the money. But yes he has the house to think about and because we are sandwiched in income we had to get something which if i have had a better pay, it would help a lot but no. The daily needs of our lives. as a wife, it is only right that i depended on him. but Well, simply because being me, i am an independent person. I was that before i got married and i would like to stay that way, being the X generation woman that i am.

What if i am not working in the next five years? What if, God forbids, realistically speaking, my husband….you know…lifespan. I really cannot imagine life without him. Oh Lord, i need him. Please grant us strength and health. And that’s another thing: the wife role. I have always been thinking whether i am doing enough to fulfill my responsibilities. I am trying to juggle this working wife role. Maybe i am harsh on myself but i do not think i am doing great in this department!

Oh woman.

like a reminder

/ livingseri / Leave a comment

1. i was going to donate books to the library, i was going through hundreds of my books, and i got to like what, 10 books, which i am willing to donate?? what? seri? all that trouble?

but i really do not have the heart to throw any of my books.

2. going back to my reading habit has given me my sanity. and now, moving on to the next book

3. Oh did i mention: i had loved Francine pascal’s Fearless teen novel series, hmm, a decade and a half ago, although it was the adventure of going to different national library brances (all the way to woodlands sometimes) just to follow the series accordingly…and so while browsing KOBO recently i found out i may be able to own all of them in the form of an ebook!!! i went crrrrrazzzziiiiiee. but stopping myself and bought first three in the series….

4. i know i know…. i havent blog about bali, i havent blog about KL, i havent blog about my parents’ umrah and how emotional we are…

maybe next week. i aim to get a two days’ off in lieu..

confessions of the sleepy beauty

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I have a confession to make. I love to sleep. I need my sleep. I cannot function without enough sleep. But the problem is, i also have difficulty waking up early. For as long as i know i had been this way.

Although i was quite amazed that during my secondary years, morning session school. Managed to wake up at 5.45 am and be ready by 6.20 to catch the feeder bus. But of course i will sleep in the bus at any opportunity, meaning i must get a seat everytime. I feel the day had already gone wrong if i didnt get my journey nap. of course, taking any chances at school to just close my eyes. erkk…

Same thing when i got a job as a kindergarten assistant teacher.

And when i went to university. I try to avoid morning classes or if there were no other choice for a specific subject, well, i make sure i dont have classes till late afternoon because i would want to go back to my mahallah as early possible to get a noon nap.

Please understand that throughout this sleeping ordeal, it means i will wake up for subuh prayer and then i will go back to sleep for sure.

That’s where the problem is. It is not good to sleep after subuh prayer and i just cant help it. And for the longest time i succumbed to it.

I tried to change. I did. Its either by sleeping in early, i tried to stay awake after subuh either by reading the quran, the ma’tsurat or reading other books. But then i cant function because my brain believed i was deprived of sleep. And these acts ceased to be habits.

And then…i stumbled on productive muslim website. I enjoyed reading the articles, their infographics, the short entertaining videos with a message and i even joined in one their web seminar. Bit by bit, i tried to put in their tips to my life. And as you might have noticed from my recent posts, i am trying to make life more productive and enjoyable.

And as fate has it, abu productive was invited to give talks in singapore and i had the chance to attend them. Out of all the points which was shared, one really struck me. They suggested sleepyti.me to check what is our sleep cycle, the right time to sleep and the right time to wake up. Its like a revelation to me! Hehe.

A person will have a unique sleep cycle, and need about 3-4 cycles per night for a good rest. You are supposed to be able to wake up refreshed with the right timing.

So now i am regularly checking my sleep cycle. Trying to understand my sleeping time. But alas, its been difficult and haywired these days because i will be sleeping say at 10.30 and my first sleep cycle will end at abt 12.30, i will really be awakened but then i will have to force myself back to sleep because i dont function with 2 hrs of sleep. No. but these nights, i will be waking up at odd hours! I will be observing my self throughout the day and see how my body and brain work with a certain amount of sleep.

I didnt know it is not that simple. Of course, to develop a new sleeping habit will take time. I am determined.

So your sleepy beauty here wants to make a change. I pray that i can stay motivated and achieved my goal of waking up earlier than subuh, get to prepare breakfast for my husband and stay awake till my night bedtime.
(but heh, a 15 min power nap if i am desperate during lunch)…

Till the next post!

interval

/ livingseri / Leave a comment

rest. what is rest to me?

rest is when i get to read a great engaging full of life book, with a mug of hot chocolate by the bedside table

rest is when i get to sew even though it was simply altering dresses

rest is when i get to do amateur pretty scrapbooking projects

rest is when i get to do the things above listening to some cool songs

rest is when (not yet, soon) i get to do some gardening

rest is when i get to watch a movie i loved on repeat

rest is when i get to watch awesome anime or dramas i love

rest is when i get to blog, happy stuffs. 😉

But someone said Rest is when my right feet enters Jannah. Allahumma salli alaa sayyidina Muhammad.

Lord, forgive me.

listopia

/ livingseri / Leave a comment

it’s only tuesday, no?  it has been two productive days! i think some new habits im trying to develop is working. hope this stays as long as it is, although today i almost broke my promise about having ME time during lunch. but i stopped, just leave my table as it is. and had lunch and prayed, i definitely work better after that.

anyway just yesterday i was listing out things NOT TO BUY. this morning, i go and make a wishlist. haha.

nothing major, its all those materialistic things of a person who doesnt have much responsibility like having children. just a pair of dr mart boots (i miss wearing boots!!), a turqoise and a maroon coloured watches (i love watches. not too worry though coz i go by ‘the watch chooses you’, so i havent seen any that have that kind of calling) and a fujifilm instax 50s.

i will stop at that. 😉

i am going to spend more on skills and workshops.

that also i have a list:

first up to go is Sewing class, which i’m going to sign up this Friday! woohoo!! cant wait! actually no need to go also can. learn from youtube videos like that boy in the newspaper…i tried…but there are certain things i dont understand, maybe learning live under an expert would be better. well, let’s just have a try anyway.

and then breadmaking..i know it’s like any woman can make breads themselves why bother go to a class…but i dont have that cooking skills you know, so i think im going to just go for it when the opportunity comes. why not cakes? my sis in law bake awesome beautiful heavenly rich like-you-can-taste-it-just-by-describing-it cakes. i dont have that creativity with cakes. bread looks easy with a set of ‘formulas’. i mean how many shapes can a ‘bun’ look?

scrapbooking class for the fun of it! i know husband wont be supportive in that, creativity is enough to him…but anyway there’s no more Made With Love (MWL) shop at Plaza Singapura, and Paper Market dont look so interesting and as friendly as MWL…so it may take a while before i take this up, in the meantime, its all a mix and match and learning from scrapbook websites..

and archery!! i miss archery so much!! i was an archer back in Uni. and i know there is one archery class in the neighbourhood, except its on weekends, and yeah my weekends are burnt..but i hope one day both me and husband will get to do it sometimes.

and then floristry! there’s a diploma for it ok!! i want i want! laugh if you want but flowers make me happy! and i have always been amazed with people who can just do up a bouquet so easily! im going for it ok, that is, if i cant go for any Masters in Education or Diploma in HR and Training courses. haha.

and of course, any forums/workshops which is kinda trending these days locally. if i can afford it, i will take the opportunity. makes life more interesting. otherwise its work work work. bleurgh.

so im building up a utopia mind for myself. whatever that means.