It’s been a year of changes.
The irony, to end a decade.
Of which, I would have remained the same as I was, say 9 – 10 years ago.
Took a lot of courage. A leap of faith. Trust in Him.
It’s been a year of hardships, of patience and prayers.
Of which, it never stops.
We have so much to be grateful for.
And yet, we pray for more.
But at most, He knows.
Our struggles, our tears, when our heart beats in desperation for Him to make it right.
For strength.
too long since i posted something. when people are already doing igstories and going live, i guess doing wordpress is old fashioned now.
but just to rush, taking some time from work at work. pretty challenging these days.
but…small things like seeing snippets of these three at a recent award show, always bring a smile. hearteyed.
i need to do a psj dramas marathon soon.
Today I am allowed to complete another full year of life and add another day to a new lease of life.
I hope I have lead this life well thus far.
I hope that I have fulfilled some milestones in the three decades of borrowed living.
1988 – Kindergarten at 5 years old exactly thirty years ago
1990 – Primary One at one of the best madrasahs. sweet and not so sweet memories. some remembered some forgotten. some in broken pieces of memory reel. some stamped in memory perhaps emotionally impacted.
2001 – Graduated finally after twelve long years of basic education. Nothing fantastic a student I was, but barely survived with good mentions, I hoped. The fact that some of my teachers could remember and called me by my full name, I must have been a small part of their good teaching diaries, meagre as compared to other stellar classmates.
But hey, I survived.
2003 – Who would have thought or dreamt that I could stepped to a university. seriously. no one thought I would. but somehow I made it. away from family for the first time, remembered crying myself to sleep because my loved ones felt so far away. I was 20, lol. could have been more stronger than that!
3 years of amazing life of learning and hardships and friendships that last. memories we wouldn’t trade for anything.
2008 – And so it begins. adulting, as they call it nowadays. and for the rest of our lives that is. those, another day, another story to tell.
2010 – Marriage. Who would have thought that?! I didn’t for sure. We didn’t look for each other. We came into each other’s lives by coincidence, not us, but our elders. but with a heartbeat he took me under his wings, care and love for me, made me feel safe and complete. without a worry in the world. I hope I have cared and loved you as much. and to love and care for one another for the rest of our lives.
2019 – Still here. Alhamdulillah.
there may be more that one can wish to accomplish. perhaps an inkling to achieve something worthy. to make life worthwhile and meaningful. we are all made for bigger things. I think I am. but everything at its own right time.
I pray for love, health and strength to persevere. faith, deep full faith. and trust in Him and His decree.
Birthday gift came early this year. Hearts the hubby for always giving me what I need and sometimes wants. always so generous and giving.
this cool little thing I am using to write, or rather type on…is a gift from him. the complete set of Microsoft Surface Go with keyboard and pen in matching blue steel colour. in fact, I already received two gifts earlier from him. my Samsung Galaxy Note 9 and my Samsung Galaxy Watch.
if ten years ago, he converted me into an Apple user, everything from iphones to ipads and MacBook. a decade on, and he turned me into full fledged android, google, Microsoft user. trust the IT geek to turn me around in pretty much months. but the high price $$ of Apple products affect our choice of spending and products as well.
truth be told…I was getting a bit bored and tired of using Apple products. I wasn’t able to utilise MacBook to its fullest and after maybe about 8 years, it is now getting slow. and my iPhone 6plus have blacked out on me a few times already. and now that I am back to studying, and the nature of my job uses a lot of word and powerpoint, I fully rely on Microsoft tools. I had its version for MacBook, but it wasn’t an easy process. I work faster in microsoft. and I wasn’t artistically talented enough to use whatever creative tools that Apple offer. the last straw was when I dropped my Apple watch and cracked the screen. hubby did not want to send it for repair and true enough, the price of repairing it got me a new Samsung Galaxy watch.
I didn’t know about Microsoft Surface Go till quite recently in some contest and saw that maybe it could be useful for me to bring along to work (to compliment my work laptop which had restricted online usage), we did have an extra laptop for surfing the net but I guess not sleek enough for me… and then for my masters classes, I was such a noob and seeing classmates all around reading notes from their ipads or macbooks or notebooks, I was still writing notes and printing out all those readings.
I realised the institution itself is rather dependent on anything online. ebooks, scholarly articles and journals all available from the library online catalogue and not all can be printed out. lecturers uploading assignments and readings on the school blackboard… I pretty much felt its good for the trees too…and storage as well. I just sent for recycling a huge bag of my readings from my degree years. its heartbreaking, but I decided I don’t and may not ever going to look at them again for the next decade…even if I keep telling myself that I will find time to reread them notes. space is really limited around here. the feel of writing side notes and highlighting lines and paragraphs are still pretty much visually exciting traditional… I guess I don’t want to have to keep on printing and keeping them and then ended up throwing.
downloading and saving them virtually will save the trees. hopefully that’s my part in sustainability and avoiding wastage.
anyway. bless my husband for this beautiful gift.
now tell me how to make money with these tools?!
Wake up and smell the coffee
Is your cup half full or empty?
When we talk, you say it softly
But I love it when you’re awfully quiet
You see a piece of paper
Could be a little greater
Show me what you could make her
You’ll never know until you try it
And you don’t have to keep it quiet
And I know it makes you nervous
But I promise you, it’s worth it
To show ’em everything you kept inside
Don’t hide, don’t hide
Too shy to say, but I hope you stay
Don’t hide away
Come out and play
Look up, out of your window
See snow, won’t let it in though
Leave home, feel the wind blow
‘Cause it’s colder here inside in silence
You don’t have to keep it quiet
|come out and play by billie eilish|
i guess i am finally saying goodbye to apple ios. and back to the first smartphone brand i had when i started working back in maybe 2007? you will find out soon enough the brand.
after maybe 8 years of using iPhones and Apple products, it is inevitable that i will have to change to a more economical product, which at the end of the day, as i soon find out, could perhaps be much better than Apple.
my iPhone as it is, is throwing temperaments when it would suddenly die on me, or put on a sulking pause, or battery juice suddenly draining like nobody’s business especially when i am in a rush or i might be outside for longer than i thought. it can be so frustrating that i carried two phones, the other being a huawei for its battery strength. although i still use my iPhone all the time despite, everything. i was still stubbornly find android phones difficult to use. like where do i find its settings??
my husband has been telling me to switch over. ironically he was the one who lavished me with Apple products in the first place. macbook for 30th birthday, iPhones for whenever a new edition released, and latest was the Apple Watch for my birthday last year. he had stopped buying Apple products for himself but he still bought them for me. although he did now and then whispered to me to change to android, but i was just adamant or maybe loyal to Apple. until huawei two years ago convinced me because of its Leica lens. but it was for a specific use.
the last straw was few weeks ago, when i dropped my Apple watch and the screen cracked into pieces. we found out repairing it whether at the Apple service centre or at any vendor would cost him 2-3 hundred dollars. he kept on saying it was better to buy me a new one altogether, but not an Apple watch. he sworn off anything Apple, sigh, this guy.
after contemplating, and some convincing… he bought a Samsung Galaxy with some discount coupons he had from lazada, my only condition is i wanted something similar to him.
and just like that, i remembered i was due to recontract my phone. checked my singtel account to confirm and browsed through to see if there’s any phone economical and affordable if i really am to move away from Apple. saves me some hundreds of dollars. the thought of having to fork out $698 for a 64gb iPhone xs max with plan and go up to 1000$ if i wanted more gb, was really, heartbreaking. every dollar counts now that im paying for my own Masters course. it was no brainer in that sense.
and so since hubby already make that path for samsung, i chose a samsung galaxy note 9. i take it the pen kinda grabbed my attention. to convince myself to really look for something new that iPhone doesn’t have. blue caught my eye but i can’t love the yellow pen. so i settled for bronze. and i remembered my first Samsung smartphone was bronze too once upon a time ago.
and i found out that i had $100 voucher from singtel for a new handset! what a nice surprise! oh what bargain. we ended up paying on $98 for the phone! and i am a happy wife for not having my husband paid more for what he had already spent on me.
just like that, i became an android user overnight. im still using the iPhone say like a transition mode. already i had a hard time transferring my data from iPhone to android. only to realise it was easier doing it wireless. but then again, i lost my WhatsApp messages history. like nil zilch history. but what’s lost is lost. i can’t cry buckets for it. its done. no way i can retrieve it back, right? start anew, people say. i did felt my heart sanked when i realised i lost my nephew’s forwarded pics. but i realised his mom and his grandmother is a treasure trove of him. that was a relief!
and i am beginning to be surprised by samsung and android. samsung’s korean by the way (with the current korean obsession im having). there’s quite a lot to discover. i am enjoying both the watch and phone. happy that i can change to so many watch faces and wallpapers. cool stuff!
im keeping it simple at the moment. try not to have too many apps in my samsung. i could still be using my iPhone at the moment for my music. and i hope the phone can last for one two years more.
ps: it’s a bit senseless to be writing this, but im having some writing urge that i can’t quite express yet. you know those sudden impulse to write write. I’ve been having this since few days ago. it had something to do with my Ramadan. but its fine, it’ll get out soon enough.
it’s always pretty trying when changes happened close to ramadan. my second month at the new workplace is in ramadan. it’s almost like a culture shock but subtle, a reverse of everything i am used to. what it used to be: too many things needed to be done, rushing to catch up with the days, always coming back exhausted and crashed, having no weekends to speak of, that ramadan is literally just about work day in day out.
say if my actual duties of an edu head which means; ensuring communication with students and parents remain clear, parent teachers meeting preparation checking 1000 remarks and logbooks, and around these times, it also means ensuring the teachers prepare for holiday progs, i will still be doing on fee assistance matters, and then going through the list of students for outstanding fees, printing out statement of accounts and individual letters. and about this time i will also be preparing for continuation process. another set of 1000 individual letters and ensuring every student has a space for the following year.
in ramadan, there’s always additional jobs- taking alms, preparing iftar, children activity room, ensuring ladies have space for terawih, and doing as much as i can to help with events. i go to work at normal timing and always the last to go home. that’s not to say an overnight or two towards the end providing support for qiyam prog. i realised im always rushing during ramadan and honestly couldn’t care much about home and family. ironically, i rushed to do even a small act of ibadah. many nights, i was at the kids activity room, i couldn’t spare energy for terawih.
but i am grateful enough that God has let me to step back for awhile this year. my prayers felt slowly paced and calmer, because im not rushing for zakat duty or whatever pending things i want to accomplish. i was able to be back home for breaking fast at least 5 days a week. i still spare a day or two to help out for iftar at the mosque but it wasn’t rushed, i was not expected to, i was not required to be there. it really felt more voluntary and i don’t feel tight knots in my brain always having to make decision. it felt nice to be following instructions for once.
and the most distinct difference is the terawih i was able to perform. i just feel more calm and more energy to stay throughout 20 rakaats. i rarely got to do that honestly. i was free of any expectations and what used to be work, im now just one of the congregation. its liberating. im going to enjoy this while i can. is this what normal feels like?
i imagine like im taken out of a movie reel in reverse memory and going back to normal. im going to appreciate this while i can.
allahumma inna ‘afuwwun tuhibbul ‘afwa fa’fu’anna.
here’s what one month and a half affects change.
i became somewhat anxious when slowly realising the weight of the work i should be doing or expected to be doing, at the same time, wondering if whether i can fit in socially and work wise. the work is supposed to be familiar things but i was forced to look at it from a different higher perspective. a helicopter view. a statistical way of looking at things, almost academic at times. you know you’re in real s*** when terms like policies and directorates and ministries, research companies coming in to provide us the numbers and recommendations seems to interlace in daily conversations and meetings. it’s like, what have i gotten myself into?
i suddenly have to step up my gear and put up all the thinking hats i have ever known, be quick thinking to write proposals and reports, be fast enough to catch up with the way things are done around here.
and then at times, you start to feel a bit more comfortable and people don’t seem so hostile anymore and that all insecurities are just your own mind games, when people around are really just too absorbed with their own work they barely look up from their pc, but at the same time, a simple hello and a smile is all they need, or rather, just what i can do to break the ice. i definitely have to start remembering people and names now, so i don’t embarrass myself, that’s all. i pretty much do well independently but then again, a little socialising will do. and try to express yourself better please. i hated having to socialise but people around here are all good with conversations! confidence level tip top.
i cannot deny though, the breaking feeling back at the old workplace. i find myself, unable to ‘connect’ as close as i can be, because i was ‘never’ there in the first place. i mean i feel very much welcomed still, but i cannot be the ‘leading voice’ anymore, because i am not. i am lost in their conversations because i wasn’t present with them. what used to be me doing things and giving instructions, to say the least, now, i’m not one of them. i don’t know whether i should feel guilty? but i keep having this thought that i should not interfere anymore. which is true right? but i wasn’t sure why i had to feel bad about it? or sad? or feel left out?
that dilemma of finding the fine line between still wanting to be a part of your old life but not to interfere, and keep some space between me and them. sigh…why do i have to think so much?!
at the end of all this, change will get easier, things will get better both ways.
we used to think we are indispensable, and that nothing can go well without us. its humbling though, to realise this, that we are not indispensable, we are replaceable. because really, we are here because He puts us here. and that i am where i am because He has place me here. for whatever reasons i have yet to discover. my prayers used to be, i will be here for as long as You put me here (old workplace), that i can still do whatever i can for the place, i will. i guess now, He says no, you’re not needed here, but at a different place. and so my prayers will continue to be, if my place is here, the now, please guide me to work better for You. i will be here for as long as You want me to.
i cannot think or wonder too much about the future, but to focus on the now, on what i have to accomplish and give my best as i always have.
let the good times roll.
i had never really thought about it. but out of a sudden one night, i realised this. that my life has been pretty much revolved around mosques at almost every milestone of my life.
i went to a mosque kindergarten for two years. had to be my parents’ choice right, most probably my mother who made it her personal mission to let us her children had basic islamic knowledge growing up. (of course, out of 5, i had to be the one to have ‘full’ education in it)
even when i was growing up, i had siblings attending the same mosque kindergarten, and me playing the eldest sister role, i would be fetching them or waiting for them with or without my mother, pretty much feeling that hey this used to be my school too. i know where every space is. mother, being the socialite that she is, she already made friends with the people there and i think at some point, pretty much helped out at the cafe there. so the mosque at old tampines road seems to be our focal point in our growing up years. my siblings attended the weekend classes there…and yeah, as a family we attended talks now and then, those years. she would prepare some things for us, i would bring a book, sometimes those school revision books to fill my time if i don’t understand what was being taught, my little siblings would have a small toy to distract themselves, a drink, or whatever. going to the mosque was a serious ‘business’ trip for us. lol.
and then every ramadan, whenever we were able to, the whole family rushed to the mosque to perform terawih. i followed the congregation, my younger siblings might be sitting down at some corner, i don’t remember them running around or making themselves a nuisance. perhaps we are all used to the environment, we didn’t make a big fuss. even if whoever was a toddler then, mother would stop and comfort the little one before continuing her prayers. she pretty much had it figured out. when people are praying, we, the kids, had to practice some silence and behave in the mosque. i remembered night walks, from the mosque to home, and admire the semi detached houses along the way, had big dreams of owning one and then a trip to the 7-11 for a nice cold drink of our choice, maybe a chocolate or ice cream, as an ‘incentive’ for going to the mosque.
some time in my teenage years, i became a youth volunteer at another mosque at serangoon north. it was a new mosque at the time. similarly somehow mother made friends and became quite the familiar face there. having moved to a home closer to this mosque, we started attending there more frequently. going up and down the mosque does not feel so alien to me because of my childhood upbringing at the other mosque.
after my A levels and waiting for an opportunity to further studies, i had a stint as a kindergarten teacher, at yet, another mosque, in Ang Mo Kio. i couldn’t remember how i landed that job but i had a feeling mother had a hand in it. pretty much a second home then at the time, young and sweet (lol), having all the energy and creativity teaching bright- eyed inquisitive little ones. at a time, when parents still respected young teachers as me. i thought i would stay and take that career path. but i had another calling.
when i went away to study at IIU, the campus mosque was our qibla at every sense of the term. felt so much at ease just to be sitting inside the mosque. it’s a place to socialise, rest (yes, we took naps there in between classes), to study and revise (during exam weeks), of course the jemaah prayers. despite a big mosque, it seems like everyone can have their ‘special corner’ there. many of you (iiu-mates) can vouch for this, right?
completed studies, came back home a citizen raring to contribute back to the community. i found myself working at a religious institution. and…having the energy, all this knowledge ready to be shared and the sweet thrill of having an income, i worked at….another mosque, in Bishan. being re-introduced to the education world, again. and serving time as a docent at the specialised centre there.
and my true career took its direction head on when i applied for a job at the new mosque nearest to my home but literally just out of the neighbourhood. i had a short attachment at yet another mosque in Pasir Ris before being transferred fully to Sengkang’s mosque. and that’s where i resided for the next ten years. the place i became an adult. and fully gave my brain, body, heart and soul to it. and for awhile, when she was stronger then, mother, she volunteered around, even if it’s just to help me out tending to kids’ activities, she would.
really, my life pretty much revolved around mosques.
and throughout all these milestones, mother has always been the greatest supporter. every step of the way. i guessed she probably had a vision and let us grew up being ‘close’ to mosques. i can’t say for my siblings, but i never felt awkward or as an ‘outsider’ being at any mosques, regardless, local or overseas. it had always feel like ‘home’. if i ever get lost, i would probably go find a mosque, the closest image of familiarity or feeling safe.
so to mothers out there, who wish to have their children grow up feeling close to the mosque. it starts young really, cliché, yes but that’s just the way it is. but sending them for weekend classes may not be enough. be present, be a part of a mosque, pray at the mosque now and then, let your child be familiar, with you in the picture, at the mosque. and it’s not only during ramadan. no, please, don’t only come to the mosque during ramadan and realise you have to struggle with crying toddlers or screaming kids. it’s any time of the year really. it can be done. i have seen it. mothers who have so well behaved children at the mosques i wish i can give a ‘you’re a best mom’ trophy to them.
i guess i am living proof. the result of a mother who always brings her children to the masjid.
thank you mak for shaping me. i may not be what you dreamed of me to be, but i guess, what i am now, is the closest we got to, right?
hearts.
i survived two weeks of new work environment.
so i am going through this change process where i have doubting thoughts of whether i made the right decision, whether will i fit in, can i really do this work? or should i just hide under squirming and feeling worthless and not smart enough or suitable for whatever it is that is i am supposed to be facing head on.
and then also feeling that i cannot belong anymore to what i used to call a third home. i feel like maybe i am intruding in some ways. that i shouldn’t be here fearing that people think im trying to intervene when im the one who left.
but i think this is normal when there is change. trying to get used to the journey, the new workspace, totally different work environment. i feel everyone is moving around busy with so many things, while im just, not doing anything. and i dread that feeling. i had headaches the first week (and diarrhoea, out of no where) because i don’t have work to do. maybe i was just denying fever because i was working 14 days before actually moving to the new place.
i was warmly surprised by the welcome. familiar faces and some of the people actually remembered me from when i was a young kid out of uni temping maybe 10 years ago. some said ‘welcome back.’ i feel warmed.
but i also feel pressured. that i needed to work hard to prove my worth. and not disappoint those who believe in me. i wonder what was it that they see in me? there is also excitement because im sensing and learning that so many new things are going to happen and that i could be part of it. it scares me too.
i do feel homesick too. or is it worksick, in that context. haha.
i had the urge to go to mosque this morning. but i have to tell myself no. stop myself. because i really need to recover from all this change. re-calibrate my mindset, to fully understand my purpose and start the work already. because i really hated not being able to do anything.
perhaps i was used to all the work i had been doing for 8-9 years. i always kind of know what to do and the work to complete for the day. in a way, it was ok that i was able to slow down during the first week. it was like cleansing my mind from what i was so used to do and prepare to receive new tasks.
it was quite a mind shift, really. someone was saying, and im paraphrasing, you’re not mosque staff anymore (at least for 2 years), you’re M now.
in any case, i will just be my self, stay the way i am and just work hard work smart. so help me Lord.
living seri 