“When you lose interest in something, you must always consider the possibility that you’ve gotten what you came for; you have completed your mission…..That’s why you lose interest:not because you’re flawed or lazy or unable to focus, but because you’re finished.
– by Barbara Sher, read from How To Be Everything, Emilie Wapnick
Well this is food for thought.
i believe now is the time to take these signs seriously.
Keep on looking through the window again,
But I’m not sorry if I do insult you.
I’m sad, not sorry, ’bout the way that things went,
And you’ll be happy and I’ll be forsakin’ thee.
I swore I’d never feel like this again,
But you’re so selfish, you don’t see
What you’re doing to me,
I keep on looking through the window again.
No I’m not sorry if I do insult you.
No, I’m not sorry if I do insult you.
You told me lies, and I sighed, and I sighed, and I sighed.
‘Cause you lied, lied, and I cried, yes I cried, yes, I cry, I cry, I try again.
I realize, as he sighed, and he sighed and he sighed.
‘Cause you lied, lied, and I cried, yes I cried, yes, I cry, I cry, I try again.
Keep on looking through the window again,
But I’m not sorry if I do insult you.
I’m sad, not sorry, ’bout the way that things went,
And you’ll be happy and I’ll be forsakin’ thee.
I swore I’d never feel like this again,
But you’re so selfish,
You don’t see what you’re doing to me,
I keep on looking through the window again.
No I’m not sorry if I do detest you.
No, I’m not sorry if I do detest you.
You told me lies, and I sighed, and I sighed, and I sighed.
‘Cause you lied, lied, and I cried, yes I cried, yes, I cry, I cry, I try again.
I realize, as he sighed, and he sighed and he sighed.
‘Cause you lied, lied, and I cried, yes I cried, yes, I cry, I cry, I try again.
Keep on looking through the window again.
Keep on looking through the window again…
16.01.2018
Hey you.
From those black boots to short cropped hair.
From singing wrong Zombie lyrics to trying so hard to master Ode to My Family chords.
From When You’re Gone on perpetual replay to Promises, the perfect breakup song to zero boyfriends.
From Animal Instincts to Astral Projection.
From Dying in the Sun to Ridiculous Thoughts.
Of melancholy and exasperation.
In a different teenage Dreams, i wanted to be cool like you.
No, not sorry.
Aahhh, Faithful Departed.
previously i received comments from people that i look ‘perpetually tired’
and it’s true. i had been tried. exhausted. heavy. heavy at heart and body.
so i was surprised when last weekend, i had a few familiar faces saying i looked radiant. i looked healthy. it was a nice surprise. considering the stress i have been having. so one nice lady even come up to me, and asked me what had i been doing? i looked different.
it stumped me…because i didnt know… i mean we always look the same everytime we look at ourselves from the mirror. i didnt see any changes.
but then it stopped me to thinking.
i told my hubbylove about it and he said, must have been the 10k steps and exercises i have been trying to do. exercising somehow bring some healthy hue to the cheeks, adrenaline, endorphins. i like it. no. i love it.
and then i tried to make sense of things again.
last week was our first week of school. i used to be anxious. worried. i still do, but i was at peace. perhaps doing this every year give me all the unexpectedness expected. everything will be fine. perhaps i really leave everything to God. Tawakkal.
i squeezed in a few minutes do tahajjud and asked for His grace and assistance.
early morning saturday, i was the first to arrive and somehow managed to read a page of the Qur’an. something i have never done before. i was calm, i read on. i was ready. perhaps the positive mindframe i had reflected in my expression.
but it was all not done alone. the team did great. everyone moved seamlessly. everyone knew what to do. the parents were calm. the students were calm and happy. it was perfect. both saturday and sunday. the weather was calm. it all came perfectly and everything works just nice.
something must have done right.
alhamdulillah. i hope this continues on to the rest of the year.
no. no reflections. no new resolutions.
just continue what i have been thriving to do.
the rain seems to understand the feelings i am going through. crying and crying in silence. but also a sign of blessing. His Rahmah and Mercy.
Alhamdulillah. start the year embraced in His Love.
i leave 2017 with heartbreaks but also moments filled with happiness.
i pray to face 2018 with strength, wisdom and joy.
cleanse this life physically and emotionally. level up this life in faith and self care.
No more sadness. No more unhappiness.
Thank You Allah.
counting the days before it gets to 2018, arent we?
its a quiet grey morning today. christmas public holiday. hubbylove still wakes up at 5 in the morning. i was stirred awake at 5.30am. Subuh then dozes on and off with hubbylove.
holidays are precious to me. read a book. watch an episode from a series or two. watch a movie. catch up on anime. blog. read again. browse pointlessly through facebook. read the papers without rushing through the headlines.
and if i feel a bit more productive. i can do some spring cleaning. i have been aiming to clear the wardrobe for the longest time. complete my photo journal before the year ends.
i was ready to dismiss 2017 as a stressful year for me. with what i presume as so many heartbreaks and tension. i realised that was 2017 The Work. it somehow did not start right. i only remember all the difficulties i faced. it had been shitty, to be blunt.
while browsing through my phone for photos to print and my traveler’s journal for dates to highlight; i then realised, hey Seri, it is not a bad year after all. it had been quite a whirlwind journey of emotions. but of togetherness and what it means to be a family.
we lost two family members from hubbylove’s side. two family members in 48 hours. one of which, a most beloved aunt. i deeply felt the loss. such strong kind motherly lady. we were supposed to have a family gathering for that weekend. indeed it had been. just, without her. but we revel in one another’s comfort, in staying together, in remembering her.
that same weekend, a close girlfriend got married too. how such plans are not within our control. i wanted to be with friends. but i need to be with my family. how can that be a choice to be made?
i got to live in my own house PV for a month or two. pure bliss and happiness in the simple thought of getting to stay in one’s own house. you asked, why? well i mostly stay in another house. my own house is vacant. but due to a major renovation in this current house, we all get to stay in my house. complicated? i guess so.
but i loved it.
the clearing and the packing, no. weeks of saturdays and sundays filled up with packing, driving to and fro to the storehub where we stored our stuffs for close to three months. lugging boxes and bags of stuffs. throwed away many things, kept a lot more. the only comfort: i was just happy to be hubbylove’s shadow during those weeks. everywhere with him.
i injured myself twice this year. fell outside of the toilet, terribly hurt my right side. and within the week, misstepped and hurt my left ankle. i had to pray in the sitting position for weeks. that fall though. for a moment, i knew how it felt when people said a reel of your life and questions playing in your mind in those life and death moments. i am thankful it was a ‘normal’ fall. nothing major.
i had an amazing trip to Switzerland. a test of strength and patience. beautiful, beautiful country. a lovely family there. of train rides, boat rides, furnicators and cable cars. of hiking trails and quiet walks. and that search for beautiful shots of mountains.
my little sister got married. a beautiful marriage and wedding. and pregnant now as i am writing this down. my baby brother got engaged to a sweet kind girl. i had days of fun and love with families and friends.
it was not a bad year, 2017. it had been a good year. and i am at peace.
i have a feeling 2018 will be a change. a change for love. a change for happiness. a change for wellbeing. a change for joy.
one of those days when i felt like i failed. for every thing that i did, i feel like i am not good enough. that i am better off sitting someone in a corner and do nothing, because everything i do seems mediocre.
one of those days when i feel like i shouldnt be here. i dont fot to be here. draining and bringing me down. when i feel like people are against me. or im expected to be perfectand not make mistakes.
you know what. i just want to keep quiet.
i just want to move away from everything.
but the show must go on. always. people move on and i am still here.
let’s not dwell on this bad thoughts. i don’t have time for this.
what 8 years have taught me is this: things will turn out fine. Allah always guides. always.
So i have this little one.
who has totally captured my heart and literally taken over my life.
even when i am typing this out, she’s sitting right in front of me, ears twitching to all the small little noises, and then jumping from chair to chair just to look out for what ever it is that catches her curiosity.
i took her home two months ago, already it felt like its been forever. i don’t want her to grow up and i want her to stay kechik (small in malay) for the longest time.
i have never been much of a fan, to be honest. our first cat was probably, adopted more than a decade ago. little wyte. and then it was more of my siblings’ charge and then all the other kitties came along. both sides of the families are cat people. i felt like almost everyone had their own spirit animal. except me.
and then a call for one. these little five siblings, well, the cutest little things ever. i asked my husband whether we could adopt one. there was never a definite answer, but then when the time comes, both of us, just do and nods ahead. fetched her one night and then our lives changed.
i now have separation anxiety, i’m always thinking on what she’s doing and hoping that she will be okay everytime i know she will be alone. making sure she’s eating well and not falling sick. and surprise surprise, i monitor her poos and pees. i cleaned her litter box. i know, those used to irk me, never in my life, did i ever think of touching or cleaning those. nowadays though, it felt nothing, just something i had to do to stay clean.
happines is playing with her every day, which is a good thing actually, getting more steps for the record. and definitely our relief stresser.
and i am so happy husband is a cat person too. so he’s been besotted by this little one, always finding her to cuddle and disturb. i’m totally loving this man more and more.
so im praying my little piper Kechik stay healthy and happy. for many more years. because now, you’re a part of our lives. so many humans love you Kechik.
im having sudden cravings for Sheila On 7 songs and i have been playing them today.
if you’re like a teenager in the late 90s and early 2000s, Sheila on 7, Linkin Park, Peterpan, Avenged Sevenfold and the likes were your anthem, the move-away-from-mainstream style. But Sheila On 7 always gives this happy and pleasant vibes.
apart from thinking i can sing really well to Sephia, there are two faves from SO7’s Kisah Klasih Untuk Masa Depan.
Sebuah Kisah Klasik is like the very anthem everytime my memories peeks into my uni years. perhaps everyone were listening to S07 back then but i have always thought SKK describes those memories in one song perfectly. ahh…those were the days. IIU friends will know we can never stop talking about those studious but full of life and fun, in search of self and identity, finding a place in this world.
Tunjuk Satu Bintang, i don’t know, i was more attracted to the music more i guess and the lyrics. they don’t really mean much to me but i think it is a nice love song in that cute teenager-ish feel. now though, i feel like it can be a good title for a blog. that blog i have been dreaming of having. but i write mostly in English, and having a malay titled blog may be a bit off. i just think it’s perfect though.
the lyrics seem to fit too. it doesnt have to always be about love and relationships. it can also be about loving life and the experiences we are facing, no matter how harsh it can be. it can also be about passion of learning, with all its ups and downs. don’t you think?
Coba kau tunjuk satu bintang
Sebagai pedoman langkah kita
Jabat erat hasil karyaku
Hingga terbias warna syahdu
Akan ku ukir
Satu kisah tentang kita
Di mana baik dan buruk
Terangkum oleh indah
Akan kucerna
Semua karya cipta kita
Di mana hitam dan putih
Terbalut hangatnya cinta
Dan bila mimpi terwujudkan oh…
Di sisimu selalu hariku
July has been a roller coaster of emotions. apparently.
i tried to get back up again after such steep curve downwards in my life graph.
although ramadan did gave me some spiritual strength amidst physical drain.
there is always something that is not right, like as if i am a teenager still searching for some clarity and constancy.
being in the thirties make me question so much about myself. i question alot about what my values are, what my goals and purpose in life, and especially what my priorities are.
but this is a story to tell on another day.
summary of July.
Chester Bennington of Linkin Park committed suicide. i still couldnt believe it though. LP was such a huge part of my teens. when i was trying to fit in and couldnt, trying to identify myself through songs because i couldnt put myself in any specific ‘group’ of people. i found connection to LP. all those nights being online (those days, we were just quite new to internet, with chatgroups and blogger was the way to go for writing and expression. oh dear, all those messageboards or forums on LP. begging my dad to use his card to sign up to LPUnderground. and that was where i belonged. i was introduced to an international world and chatting with people halfway across the world. an autographed picture of them was a prized possession. and that was the only one.
mostly LP’s songs were/are perfect to my ears. CHESTER B, we love you. my heart still breaks just talking about it.
ELLA. and then there’s Ella bringing me back to my pre-teens listening to malay rock songs. and Ella is the Queen. for ever. singing along with every song, watching her still her. so true to herself. so true a female rockstar, no pretensions. two hours don’t seem enough. permata biru. ELLA, we love you.
i had birthday dinners with both Kamirs and Tweevrans on separate occassions. and times like these are truly precious. because my weekends are always a battle of dividing time between work and personal.
but i am grateful.
am i?
living seri 