20.07.2017
those times of teenage angst
of rebelling without rebelling
of identifying an identity
some anger from nowhere
unexpressed expressions
of late nights on slow broadbands
of videos on replay as if
can’t get enough of the high
aaahh i finally found something
i can call my love
i can say this is me
oh you’re my symbol of that past
if asked how’s my teenage year would be
i would say you in a heartbeat
in peace now painless
Chester B
i turned a year older in the islamic calendar every 3rd Syawal.
i have to say its been melancholic and bitter sweet this year. i absolutely have no desire to go visiting or receive guests. i only feel all the exhaustion of ramadan starting to sink in and all i need is some quiet time to recharge. i have already given up of having to rush everytime first day of syawal and that inner fight of having to prioritise one family over my own. always having to give in. so if Ramadan is exhausting, Syawal is excruciatingly painful.
but i think i am having that today. a day of just me in this room. although the construction donwstairs and the short moments of having a fire at a neighbouring flat create some excitement and noise that you learnt to block out.
i have been a very sad person this year. i really is. so pardon me if this post is going to be some dreadful and boring post, if anyone is actually reading.
i feel like i lost some spark. i lost interest in work. i feel im not good enough. i feel tired all the time but i have to say its not physically tired, but emotionally, mentally and perhaps, even spiritually draining. i tried to overcome. it gets better and then it goes down again. its like my life graph goes up and down, up and down in steep curves. but i guess it is slowly getting better, i hope.
because life needs to move on and i hate feeling down. it gets better after a recharge. reading, just keeping quiet from the world, isolate myself a bit, because people bring pain.
i hope i can relive the spark, the purpose from what i am doing. perhaps find something that will excite me again. give me a sense of importance, a sense of being. i did timeline therapies and seemed to help. or maybe just a quiet time will do. and i am really appreciating every moment of it because once i start work, it will be nonstop.
Allah please help me. as You always do. as You always have. because this job is not for me to own. please guide me if whatever decisions i have to do. please guide me if it is for the best, for me, for my family, for the community. if it is not, please make it easy for me to leave it. Amiin.
perhaps, someday, i will find true happiness, significance and sincereness in what i am doing.
ramadan kembali
aahh penuh dengan harapan
dan semangat kental
katanya
ingin terawih
ingin qiyam
ingin khatam qur’an
ingin jadi pekerja yang baik
ingin jadi isteri yang baik
aahh semuanya ingin dilakukan dengan baik
tapi cuba sedaya upaya
penat dan hampa
bila hati terasa pedih
terasa sedih bagai dipinggir
semuanya dilakukan dengan harapan hanya terbaik
hadirkan diri bantu iftar
terawih ku ditolak tepi
sabar melayan kanak2
yang aku.. terbengkalai
tahajud ku dalam letih
qiyam ku mana kuat
tadarus ku sendirian
tiap dapat masa
cuba jalankan tanggungjawab untuk suami
mana mampu tak mahu berkeluh
aahh tapi susah ingin gembirakan semua
ada saja yang kurang, ada saja yang salah
ramadan yang pergi
ku wajahi mu dengan penuh harapan
ku tinggalkan mu dengan kepedihan
mungkin ini pengajaran kesabaran
its two third of ramadan.
i have not managed to pray tarawih since. but i managed to keep up with tahajjud for many days now. that is the only consolation, if i can say so. my nights, rather, were filled up with looking after children in the activity room we provided for this ramadan.
it’s very tiring. especially on days when i came in at normal working hours, helped with iftar preparations, and right after maghrib, i will have to get ready at the classroom dedicated for the children. and then when i finally wrapped things up, usually about at abot 10.30pm, i scoot back home, clear up the kitchen and prepare something for sahur, before hitting the shower and devote an hour for tahajjud and Qur’an reading.
i had a day or two iftaring at home but most days hubby will be alone. and on these one two days, i don’t feel guilt but i do worry about the activity room. like i know there are one or two volunteers who will be there but i may worry if they could handle it.
i try to do what i can do as much as i can, for the mosque. but i honestly dont have the same energy i would have say, maybe 5 years ago? i feel tired and burdened most days. especially on ramadan. because i try so hard to serve the mosque and not neglect the family too. it has been a constant battle every year. but i guess i am already numbed to the battle and its just do-what-i-can and pray-Allah-accepts whatever i did. not for comparing, not for people to say i stayed more than others, not for anything. it’s a constant reminder of doing things liLlahi ta’ala. it’s not easy though when you are fighting demons and people’s expectations and comparison. but i have learnt to erase them thoughts.
i think this time around, as mentioned before, it really is about me. im trying to bring back the flame that was lost. im trying to slow down and find me. do i still love what i’m doing? why do i feel like im not progressing and stuck in a rut somewhere, not able to move on, not able to feel success and feel like im a failure all the time.
but perhaps tonight is where it ends.
The No Spend Year: How I spent less and lived more by Michelle Mcgagh
My rating: 4 of 5 stars
at a period when i am struggling to find meaning in saving and curb my spending, i found this book.
i made a grave mistake of overspending because of too much disposable income. i dont have much responsibility financially but in ignorance, i spend. so one day i made a rough calculation that if i had saved a thousand dollar every month since i got married, i would have had $60K worth of savings now. yup, that’s a huge amount of money. when i saw that number and the realisation that money gone don’t know where, i had a huge knock on the head. so numbed by the amount of money i spent. i roughly had 1/3 of that amount i should have saved. and it had remained that way coz i kept on spending.
i started decluttering bit by bit. giving away or re-selling stuffs i bought but i didnt use. make ups i bought but never used and over bought dresses and realised i don’t really like the colour or the pattern, ended up not wearing them. it was a lot of stuffs. i was in shame. i was disappointed in myself for not thinking far ahead.
i made so many resolutions. tried to minimise. only this year, i felt i made minuscule progress. for one thing, i have not touched my savings account. so let’s stay at that. please. and i wanted to focus on paying off my card. that’s the aim. that i should be able to clear off everything by December 2017.
i cannot spend like a teenager. i must start saving for the future.
reading this made me feel that i am not alone. that it is possible to ban yourself from shopping. that it is possible to live in minimal.
changes i made this year:
previous years i always went crazy over a malaysian boutique’s dresses and shawls. and yes, i might have spent hundreds on them. but this year, alhamdulillah, even though i still follow the brand and was up to date of their new collections, i have not bought any. for the past 5 months, i only bought two pairs of blouses, which totalled to $40 and a baju kurung of $60. and only recently bought two dresses which cost me $100. and even then, it took me many days to really think about and made the decision of buying. that’s an improvement, i have to say. previously, i would just buy them without a second thought.
i have not bought shoes. i had several times, liked a shoe and thought of buying them online. but i have made the conscious effort of going to the shops, have a try and then decide again if whether i really like it, do i really need it (which is usually No) and do i feel comfortable wearing it, am i goingto wear it often, will it match my usual attires? and twice, i made this effort and realised i don’t really like or i don’t need them.
i bought one bag. which is part of a buy one get one discount. technically there’s two bags there, but i gave the other one to my sister who happened to like the same bag. so it was a bonus.
my weakness is still books though. but i have never regretted buying books as much as other things. but that does not mean i have to keep on buying. if i can manage it, i probably make a rule that i can only buy two books per month. and that the total purchase must not exceed $100. i truly have more books which i have yet to read!
staying in my beloved parc vera house gives me that chance of sitting in my reading room and devote an hour or two to just reading. i perfectly enjoyed it.
So i hope i can persevere in this challenge to save more and more. and who knows, perhaps its a reason to quit when i have enough savings.
resting days have become such a luxury nowadays. i really feel grateful if i have, even if its only a day, especially a weekend, when i don’t have to rush in the morning, no stress or worries of anything unexpected going to happen. a quiet day is all i need. like now.
this week had been such a rush. preparing for ptc, terawih, activity room. i officially had only one hour sleep in 48 hours since friday and 90 mins of pure creative bliss, which i signed up out of a whim and just because i got a free session after shopping at MadeWithLove last month.
thankfully everything goes smoothly, so our preparation was not in vain. by 1pm yesterday i am already zoning out and desperately need to take a nap at the office. i think i only had a 30 min nap before i was woken up by my colleagues’ voices starting to do preparation for iftar. but that was a like deep sleep nap. i was at the mosque from 6.30am – 10.30pm yesterday. taking a mental note to bring a spare shirt and pants and facial wash next time i know i have to crash at the mosque for a whole day.
this ramadan is going to be about me and my inner challenges. its really going to be this time. previously, it had been a challenge of friendship and trust, about guilt (i have ‘clear’ of guilt since last i did timeline therapy), about work. but this year’s feels like it is for me. all i want is to pray for His forgiveness, my family’s, praying for a better spiritual and whatever challanges i am going to face, is to make me stronger and grateful. i will be, though, praying hard for the twin babies i have been yearning for so long. it’s a calling. i can feel it. in Sya Allah. Amiin.
after a couple of years contemplating and fighting with the demons, or maybe for the lack of a better word, procrastinating. I had the desperate need to do the timeline therapy which i had learnt sometime in 2014. I do not know why. I think it was just the self wasnt ready to find the truth? to face the truth? and if i don’t face it, i cannot move on. literally move on.
for many days, i relooked into my nlp textbooks, trying to recall and rereading the dialogues, went through legit youtube videos on it. i always had trouble visualizing the timeline where you had to float back and up to the past and back again to the future. and i realized its really is trusting your unconscious mind to do the ‘job’. i still remember asking my trainer how do i ‘imagine’ it going back and forth and it was really because i think too much, she said literally that, don’t think too much. and then i asked myself how do i separate the thinking from the unconscious?! there’s really no need to ask.
but i did ‘train’ myself to find that unconscious zone doing countless practising with my pendulum.
and then just one night, after doing revision, i felt this is it, i have to do it now. release the emotions. pictured my trainers in my mind, like asking permission, and ‘just do it’. i had released anger during my training, but somehow, i thought i could do it again and then move on to sadness, fear, hurt, guilt. did the anger few times though, because i wasnt sure i was doing it right. doing on your own anyway, so i was like closing my eyes and then relooking at the dialogues, but it can be done. with eyes open, yes it can. its not the vision we are looking for, its the unconscious. somewhere between practices, i think im doing it all wrong. again, the thinking. but once i got the ‘flow’ i was sure of doing it. and really, for being not ‘thinking too much’ during the whole process, my unconscious ‘helped’ me move and put me where i am supposed to be, i am a visual person and its always i need to see it or picture it right with the details, but i let go and the ‘pictures’ were not perfect, but it was shaped by the UM and i just follow it.
the answers or memories i received were ‘weird’ it doesnt make sense really, and even now, i may not be able to describe them to you what i saw, and also made that ‘mistake’ of not writing them down after every timeline because i was from one emotion to another as i didnt want to lose that unconscious authority i was having at the moment.
but briefly, the anger brought me to a different time from when i had that anger released the first time, i do not know whether that can happen. i had a different lifetime when i first tried it, but this time around i was brought to a childhood time, different types of anger, maybe? but i did remember that moment clearly. very clear.
there was one within two months in the womb for sadness, and how do you picture yourself in the womb then? i didnt, my unconscious gave me a picture of my younger mom feeling sad and i knew i wasnt allowed to question what’s happening at this point of time but what is it foetus me were going through. when i came back to the now, i had the urge to ask my mother what happened then, but i didnt because what i learned then it was an emotion i shared with my mom through our umbilical cord on whatever she is facing at that moment, it wasnt mine. it was hers, perhaps too personal for her too. maybe one day a story might revealed from her. i got to trust my UM.
fear brought to a 3 lifetime and it was a ghostly experience. i was like s*** why did this happened? i cant face it man! but i learnt it was not something i could control eh. actually felt the hairs standing a bit in that situation. i was like s*** get this over with. Trust Allah. it get spiritual ayy.. quickly came back. i had to phewwww that moment out. please know i was doing all this at night, i was alone in a different room, hubby was sleeping already. but there was no more fear. still it doesnt mean im cocky and smug now. they exist that’s all.
hurt was hurtful. it was lifetimes away, i was hurt in an abusive manner. how? i dont know. i cant see who hurt me, but i saw a me lying crying full of hurt. wow. i came back feeling a bit numb, but it was not to find answers, lifetimes away. i just touched my heart and comforting myself. but i learnt that hurt feeling was the one thing i wasnt able to face. i was fearful of getting hurt. it had always been at the back of my mind. perhaps with the release of fear, i was able to face that hurt.
had to break state like really break state. took a drink read a book before moving on to guilt.
guilt was hard. it wasnt difficult to find that emotion, it was what i had been feeling for so long now. and the past, there were many guilts along the way, i kept on floating further back to the past. i couldnt picture them all. but the final pic was pretty clear to me. i was walking away leaving someone behind and there was so much guilt there. i dont why or who of course, i was just surrounded by trees and remembering just standing there in the middle of ‘nowhere’ saying over and over again ‘im sorry i had to go’, couldnt even begin to look back to who it was i was leaving. the emotion was there. not looking back was the trigger. but i told this me, the learning process, i did what i think was right at that moment and that person might had let you go. i had that small inkling it was to save that person, whoever i was leaving. cant change the past. it happened.
break state. test state.
it was exhausting. i just sat here reviewing all that i went through. or rather the me of different lifetimes whoever me was then. just sliding back in my seat. staring into space for awhile. saying thank me UM. and wondering why didnt i do this much earlier. really Seri.
but i had one the most sound sleep i had that night. woke up feeling light. i can face anything. there’s so much hardwork and difficult times, but i know i can face it and face the consequences if there is, with an open heart. there’s no heavy feeling. just monitor the emotions from now on. and heal me. but it wasnt dreading. it was uplifting.
i guess i did alright with the timeline.
it had been tiring weeks for the past month.
and the peak of it is much less expected.
so central home is going through some major overhaul of renovations. we had been packing stuffs and the most difficult part would be sending stuffs, and i don’t mean just stuffs but boxes and toyogos of gazillions of cutlery, clothes and shelves. and now that i think of it, im asking myself do we even need those things?!!
for a few weeks now, my weekends are filled with me and Suhaimi would be loading heavy bags and boxes into the car and then drove to Storhub and unloading them into the room we rent for storage for about three months. so hashtag life as a mover.
and the past weekend was the last of it. i really think me and suhaimi drained ourselves to the very last sweat because the last trip was just before 9pm and we had been on it since morning! and i think suhaimi had it more exhausting because he had to be the strong one to heave up the heavier items and he was the one driving to and fro. im just glad i was there with him all along, be his shadow and giving him that extra amount of strength. i am surprised at myself and all that strength i didnt think i had.
pretty much glad that last monday was an off day. i was also very happy that i get to stay in my beloved PV home for about a month or two. it was the only thing that pulled me through all these exhaustion!
although it as an off day, i had another round of cleaning up because we still need to keep some items in PV store. as though storhub is not enough already. whatever. my morning was spent, literally, in the store, rearranging to make space for the incoming ones. and this, i have to say i am totally proud of msyelf for being able to fit in everything in that small square room. like really, proud of myself. my power of organization. lol. and i did them singlehandedly. smug smile.
but smugness does not last long. i moved on to do other normal chores of sweeping and mopping and washing the toilet since we havent been leaving in this house for some time. and then it had to happen.
i fell in the kitchen toilet, i slipped, missed the step between the toilet and the outside, kind of see myself falling backwards, heard a thud and that’s it, hurt the backside really hard!
for that maybe 2-3 seconds, my brain was thinking too much! i was thinking, God, my spine my spine, my bone, am i going to be bedridden, is this what is going to happen to my life? am i still alive, can i walk, can i get to see my husband, how is he going to take care of me?? can i get pregnant after this?! insert emoji. i mean bloody dotdotdot, Seri, shut up, try to get up now. I knew i was just stunned for some seconds then. my vision was blurry. it was pain on my backside, my chest and my right arm. tried to move and telling myself, if i can move means my spine is ok, so please God, let it be ok.
slowly bring myself to sitting down but couldnt bend whatsoever, because of a sharp pain. bring myself up to kneeling position. and my vision blurred again. but i couldnt be sitting there in front of the toilet. stood up slowly and walked to the living room, i couldnt feel my legs, dont know where i was going because everything was so blurry. and my brain was numbed, and you know how you felt everything was ‘double’, walking but feeling like you could almost fall because you cannot feel the floor. and i cant hear myself talking. i think i was just mumbling God, God.
for a good 5 minutes, i just sat down on the sofa, closed my eyes, hugging a pillow cushion because my heart was pounding so hard and that desperate need to comfort my self and telling my self it was going to be ok. i coaxed myself to breathe in and out slowly, try to get back my senses.
touched my back again just to feel where the pain was, and whether bones still intact (of course it is right, i’ve walked across the kitchen to the loving room!). once my breathing and heart beat steadied, tried to stand up but sharp pains again, walked into my room, another long moments passed and still had those double visions again, slowly lay on my bed. i guess, that’s how a body reacts to shock. sleep for recover.
i couldnt stand up long for the next few hours, without feeling nausea and legs shaking a bit. i was not able to pray standing, only sitting the whole way.
it was quite a horrific experience for me. but i guess that was it, all the movements, the loadings and unloadings, energy drained, and without realising, perhaps the brain is tired too, lost some balance and fell.
i even still contemplated going to work the next day, tuesday. i thought i was strong enough, but getting in and out of pants was painful. Suhaimi already told me to go to the clinic. and so i did. yes, alone on my own. limping and telling myself to be strong, and walked all the way to the clinic pretty slow. but i made it. GP-Poly for xray-GP again and finally home. walking had never been such a chore. by the time i reached home, took a prescribed painkiller, which made me drowsy. i was already just exhausted from the whole ordeal, i just slept the whole day.
today marks the seventh day since i fell. the pain is still there. although i feel much better. i still cant walk too fast.
but it was not the end of it, because i fell. again. last friday at my workplace. and this time, i could feel my left feet and ankle ‘folded’ itself because of missing a step. again. seriously Seri. stop this clumsiness.
so now my left feet hurts and right side hurts, i am limping and i dont know which side is stronger.
it was a cry for help. it was a cry for Seri, please slow down.
at the end of it, i am grateful and really thank Allah, that it was not the worst that could happened. i could not imagine how it would be like if it had been worst.
I am thankful i can still walk, i am thankful that my body has always been strong and always managed to pull back up again. i am thankful that perhaps, it is just a sign for me to rest and recover. i am thankful that i could still ask for His Forgiveness and live another day. that perhaps this is a sign for forgiveness.
Thank You.
finally.
a saturday to chill. the start to what i call for my self my sabbatical week.
i have made it a point to take a week’s off from work every december (i think this is my third year doing this) to do a few things.
it’s not for holiday travels because my travel months seems to be either march april or september october periods.
it is my sabbatical week where i took time to devote myself to the house like cleaning and rearranging and throwing stuffs, material detox in that manner i should say. most days i, we, dont always get to clean the house properly apart from the weekly menial housechores. we just tend to dump everything in some wardrobe or shelf. so this is the time for me to go through my things and sort them out. just really keep things organized and in perspectives. sometimes i would give away clothes or threw expired stuffs or sell them away to carousell. and satisfaction every time.
i take this week to also learn and relearn. anything to do with my line of work which means either the education line and/or the religious line. i take it as my refresher periods because it is easy to drown one self into the demands of paper work and people’s expectations and forget why you are doing this line in the first place. things can get a bit mundane and when i start to read either books or articles on education, learnt something new and get myself excited and motivated to do it all over again.
i take this week to strip myself of my own expectations and limiting beliefs, open up my nlp workbooks and re-instate my thoughts and unconscious mind. it’s when i put myself back together, throw away negative thoughts and prepare myself for the year ahead.
but i also take a bit of time to do some planning and visualise the projects that we could do. the kinds of personal development that i want to achieve.
and just focus on my time and HIM. bring back habits if they falter along the way. humble my self because we always forget. i miss my talks to HIM. and every year i need guidance from HIM, because eventually what i do, is because of where HE puts me in life.
but lately i am beginning to think it’s just an excuse i keep telling myself. perhaps i am afraid of moving out of this comfort zone and not willing to venture out by saying that no one is able to take the job i am doing. perhaps i am just lying to myself. i need to find answers. perhaps now is the time.
anyway, looking forward to the week ahead. and perhaps more blogging period! i have so many things to talk and update. other people’s lives look so exciting than mine. but! i do have to be grateful with my experiences. and make life interesting!
you have to make it to live it. life doesn’t come to you. you know how they say live life to the fullest. but how do i do it? how do i live my life to the fullest?
make gratitude. make memories. make laughters. make smiles. make love 😛
make my self body heart and mind feel and be whole again.
just Be, Seri.
The Story of the Lost Child by Elena Ferrante
My rating: 4 of 5 stars
This book took me longer to finish than i anticipated.
perhaps somewhere it gets a bit draggy. perhaps this adult life the ladies are facing were, as it was, draggy…and just leaving life, facing whatever challenges, trying to survive in a hard world.
elena’s life turned out fine at the end, and sadly lila’s, not so much, i guess.
such turnaround. how the ladies’ cycle of life is like the opposites of each other. like when lila’s was having a much better life with a booming computer business, elena’s seem to go in a turmoil with a divorce leaving her and her daughters trying to lead a life back home, and a fling with and old crush. and then it moves the other way round. the only time they were parallel in their lives were when they were both pregnant with baby girls a month’s apart.
the peak of the story seems to be the loss of lila’s daughter without a trace, which i find it frustrating more than sad. because why would this happen? where is the logic of this story going? how is it possible that the child disappeared without a trace. it was like a jigsaw puzzle that doesnt seem to fit in anywhere in this whole story. more than anything, i just wanted the child to be found and alive and i wanted a happy ending for both lenu and lila!
you know what, the author needs to have a #5 for this series and tell me that they found lila and tina! please!
living seri 