my ramadhan is leaving
leaving with a slow goodbye
leaving with a heart longing
for ramadhan to stay
stay, stay a bit longer

if only time is in my hands
would i turn them back all over again
a servant at a losing end
a servant at a losing end

my syawal is only grief
grieving with a sad welcome
grieving with a heart longing
for syawal to come
come, come a bit later

but time is not in my hands
there is no turning them back all over again
a servant at a yearning still
a servant at a yearning still

have i lost this ramadhan?
shall i yearn for syawal?
and when ramadhan meets syawal
i am no victor.

forgive me Lord

Here’s how my weekend will look like…

no comment.

bangun pagi jer dah berdepan dengan benda alah ni.

i woke up thinking how to do this, how to say that, how to put in the words?
i woke up thinking i have to email them about this and that?
i woke up thinking about macamana nak susun masa untuk hari ini, at what time to do what?
i woke up thinking what to put in for classes tomorrow, not only one class, but six classes as a whole.
i woke up thinking what to put for the class’ noticeboard?
i woke up thinking with a bad stomachache. makan banyak sangat agaknya.
i woke up thinking which book to read first today?
i woke up thinking what to write for Qur’an, and then it goes on to, what to write for the framework.

honestly, am truly amazed at how so much a small brain can think of, within minutes.
i do think alot. a poor thinker at that…

ok ok nature’s calling~

i thought i had a lot to say when i ‘dropped’ by here this morning. tetiba lupa pulak what they are.

hmm..let’s trace back since last tuesday…
wednesday…i think nothing much.
thursday…friday…saturday…
saturday!

well, first day of class for madrasah @ Annahdhah and i was personally happy because we read a much much shorter doa for assembly!! and almost every student, could read the doa…now you see, we used to have this loooonngg doa ala Madrasah Aljunied nya doa and even though each student were given a copy of the doa (nonetheless arabic with NO transliteration). so the asatizah came to a consensus that the doa had to be shortened definitely and we start this term.

first class was warm and i’m putting more energy and spirit into my classes. and i hope madrasah will be better in the learning and teaching perspectives, as well as those administrative tasks.

please Lord help me.

i got to sit in this talk by fave lecturer Dr Kamar. it was titled The Quest for Jerusalem. i truly miss sitting in lectures and taking notes and Dr Kamar’s ‘serious’ jokes. i’d share what the talk was about in a later post. (am not in an academic mode)

and ASSIIUM family day!! i was expecting more of the younger and newer students to be there..and more of the seniors as well…and a more complete attendance from the exco-s, but oh well, things cannot be forced, i totally understand that. but this was a good start definitely!! hope to have more family days in the near future. make it into an annual thing, perhaps?

honestly it’s nice to meet the assiiumers and just hang out like we used to. tapi takmo serious sangat ah korang!! it’s supposed to be fun right?? i mean when it’s a happy occassion, you put in the mood, but when the event is of a more serious note, then you can be serious and academic about it. but it takes time i guess. or maybe the younger ones are a tad shy of us who now seems larger than life.

i believe they will get their own share of experiences and memories. we couldn’t expect them to get the same life as we had during our years, i just hope the essence of assiiumers and the spirit which we used to have would still be there and be kept alive. everyone has to play a part. we can’t expert other people to do it. we couldn’t wait for them. someone has to start and why not us? would it hurt?

but anyway it was real nice to meet the young ones and share in one or two experiences and help in one way or another. i can say, i am still pretty much attached to assiium. it’s a natural thing~ hehe

and a happy birthday to Hamzah! may life sails smoothly and successfully for you and loved ones!!

sorry peeps, no pics..no time to upload~ 😉

am honestly have things to blog about but not now ah…

but anyway…am actually happy i got to put my laptop to rest except for a 2 hour surfing of the net…and with this…i have contributed to the cause of saving electricity in the house and for the world!

i still want my electricity in 2045 AD!!

and am back to working 7days/week~

Narrated Abu Huraira:
The Prophet said, “Allah says: ‘I am just as My slave thinks I am, (i.e. I am able to do for him what he thinks I can do for him) and I am with him if He remembers Me. If he remembers Me in himself, I too, remember him in Myself; and if he remembers Me in a group of people, I remember him in a group that is better than they; and if he comes one span nearer to Me, I go one cubit nearer to him; and if he comes one cubit nearer to Me, I go a distance of two outstretched arms nearer to him; and if he comes to Me walking, I go to him running.’ “

have i told you that “Allah is nearer to you than your jugular vein..” [Qaf:16]

or of that “Remember Allah and Allah will remember you” [Al-Baqarah:152]

am suddenly feeling sick. i want to throw up but it’s like stuck in the stomach. ok ok gross.

“just be friends la, seri….talk about this talk about that…” so sick of all this pep talks. i know i know i have to do something about dotdotdot, but i just cannot do it… i think dat’s why i’m feeling sick now.

oh by the way, to a mr/ms Loco, thanks for the short description of Helven. whatever it’s actually referring to. you’re trying to say Helven, the Anugerah band, plays latin classical song with a touch of goth, dark, heavy music? just don’t bring the ‘culture’ in. would be interesting if they do write songs of such style in Malay. wonder how it sounds. wonder what the message will be… interesting.

ok, am really feeling sick now.

i have a good part and a not so good part for this blog. let’s start with the good part before my mood deteriorates.

my night out with the girls, well, minus aili (we so wish you were there with us!) and fana and the rest la. there’s only 5 of us: me, shasha, syaspec, za and surprise surpirse zaimah!!! haha, of all the times we got ‘rejected’ by her busy schedule, she managed to join us! (and she almost cancelled at the last minute because of a meeting) but all the same, we are SO SO happy you came, Zaimah!!!

still, a swensen dinner and two hours of tell-all is never enough, don’t we?? apasal eh? haha. there’s still so much to confide in u girls. things you only read from blogs, is never the same, things u don’t read from the blogs, is much more unsaid.

we took pics with za’s handphone, so we have yet to get the pics from her. will put up the pics(yang tak seberapa) later.

————————————

before going to the not so good part. while i was just getting recuperated from a few days’ inner-self loss, i suddenly woke up one morning, thinking, surely i won’t stay single forever. surely, there’ll be at some point, i will somehow got married, have children and blablabla. surely, you cannot stay this way forever. you have to grow up.

i have no idea where these thoughts came from. it was like as soon as i opened my eyes, these thought came tumbling in. it’s not like i dreamt something, i actually had a good night’s sleep. and then i brought myself to reality, and life goes on as usual. and at that moment, i actually chided myself for thinking as suchs. that’s why i never blog about this before.

and then i remember why i was ‘ilham-ed’ of them, my four closest friends from school, who have stayed all the way by me, namely dayah-mahir-dy, well, for the record:

dayah’s married, dy’s engaged, and mahir just announced she’s getting married next year. and not forgetting some other girls like johana and ain’s who’s blissfully married and oh-i don’t know who else-la already married!

these are the very girls i grew up with. who’s practically the people i’ve lived with for 12 years! from blur, kain senget2 girls to smart, blossoming, pretty girls, endured all kinds of phases together, you tell me, KRU-mania? BSB-mania? yeye-experts? the ouija board quirks, the sweet personas, the rebel personas, the goody2 personas, the naughty ones, you name it, we’ve been through all ….. until we finally found who we really are.

so yeah, i had been seeing these same people almost everyday, and they are changing right in front of my eyes! well, change in the sense that they are not just any ladies, they are already somebody’s wife, some child’s mother! and i’m still here.

but that’s beside the point.

now here’s the bummer.

Mam suddenly dropped a bomb and gave me an immediate headache. her friend’s nephew is looking for ‘someone’, let’s let your daughter (that’s me) get to know him??

???!!!!!!

what? your nephew’s looking, why would i do the work? shouldn’t he at least try to get to know me first? and my mother was actually excited about it, siap ngan email la, friendster la semua! and she forced me into viewing this person’s friendster to see how he look like and asked me to email him! (now!)

what???!!! now, this is really getting me intimidated and annoyed big time! i wanted to shout “stop” but i can’t. i can’t shout at my mom. i start my defensive wall, one-liner answers to her demands.

so ok mam, we will look at this guy’s friendster. look up friendster’s search. there’s only one him with such a name. no doubt about it.

and one look at his primary photo featured, and i knew. i knew how people who looks like him thinks, works and their ‘taste’. typical. and the resemblance with one is a shocker. mam, i so know how these people are. and i don’t think i like him, mam!

and mam was still pushing me to email him! and then Lord forgives me, i snapped at her, NO! which i regretted doing.

it’s just too much. pressurising.

yes, i would like it if i have someone who cares for me, but not this way. not this ‘looking and searching’ way. i don’t want to like a guy and do all the work and pining so much just to get his attention. i’m tired of those. i’ve had enough.

i’m just not that kind of person.

well other girls can look all pretty and matured, i don’t. and i don’t care how i look half the time.

well other girls could smile and get guys one after another asap. i don’t. and i don’t attract people if you know what i mean.

well other girls are living off credit cards at 25 and travelling to places, well i don’t have those yet, i have not achieved these dreams i have.

i still haven’t get that Masters, i still haven’t go through driving test, much less a car, i still haven’t a stable job, i’m still having an inner-fight with my brainmatter, and most of the time i look like some 16 year olds.

i pretty much don’t have a direction in life. don’t even mention a partner for life. i don’t have the, how do you say this, the…blueprint, the attitude(?) the looks for it(?) whatever la eh. i just don’t and it’s driving me crazy that Mam keeps asking for if it’s not him, it’s him. and she always grumbled when all these us-tads i’ve been working with are attached-engaged-married. and every other day i see these people, they look like, hmmm, us-tads, to me.

i know Mam, you have my interests at heart, i am after all, your first in the family. but i just can’t. i don’t make first moves. i cannot bring myself to do it. i’m not like some girls who made the first moves and actually got the guys.

i cannot define or describe myself to be like some girls.

this is driving me crazy. and i’m going to hide myself in some hole. and not come out for…ever… can?

yea! this is what i’ve been waiting for! been hearing about this competition and am now oh-so-eager to listen/see/whatever and vote for the best song writing.

(for your info, the competition is created in conjunction of maulidur rasul by An-Nur Mosque and byLeft, supported by many others)

ok peeps, what’s with the hype of american presidential vote, now we get to vote!! (ok, laaaammmme, draaaaaaagg, whatever)HAHA.