still.remembering

wisdom tooth

/ livingseri / Leave a comment

it’s weekend and i am not working. this is so rare. minus the holidays. i mean i am not working on a term week.

i have never needed to take mc-s before and i am now on a week’s mc. this is so rare.

thanks to my wisdom tooth. which now lay smothered in blood, broken, and thrown away in a dentist’s waste basket.

yes, the day has come for me to take out my wisdom tooth. i thought i have a few more years to go before i have to deal with it. it feels like a milestone, a passage of ritual. of perhaps finally being an adult because i had my wisdom tooth took out!

but honestly, i was in pain and discomfort. for maybe a month at least. it started with an ulcer, or i think it was an ulcer during fasting month, nonetheless. so you can imagine that i go through the day without food and drink, and then when its breaking fast, i couldnt eat so much because of the ulcer on my right mouth.

so bearing with it, until it became worst. usually ulcers dont last long for me. a few days and its gone, but this didnt. and still i thought it was ulcers. and then i started to feel some pain in my gums, i couldnt open my mouth, i couldnt chew and it lasted till raya. so raya without the glory of eating all those nice food. i couldnt even enjoy my fave dish of sambal goreng pengantin.

i told myself, truly, God has taken away the luxury of eating from me. although the side effect was kinda great because i lost 5 kg throughout this mouth pain ordeal. which is rare too.

so after friends’ advice, i went to the dentist last week, so grateful that one was willing to take me walk-in and have a look at this pain.

definitely the wisdom tooth is causing the pain, it was in a weird position, like all wise tooth is i presume. i had tooth decay, i had pus in my gums, my Lord, i couldnt even imagine that, it was swollen very badly, and then all the plaque building around it! it could get worst. especially for the gum. the dentist even mentioned that i may have to go to the hospital if they couldnt deal with it! what a drama.

it was a fast check. given antibiotics and antiseptic wash to heal the swollen gums cause i cannot even open my mouth so much for the dentist to have a look at it. and before i knew it, a wisdom tooth procedure is booked for me on saturday (yesterday). it had to be done.

all nerves the whole week. the day came. thankfully the dentist is a nice lady and very comforting.

oh my Lord, i was so nervous i was shaking. next time im going through something like this, im going to bring a small cushion or my small soft toys, whatever it is, the little pony or dolphin or husky or white tiger. just anything to hold on or crush my fingers into. i realise im like that. tsskk.

i felt that twinge when they want to numb my gums. and after that, i just closed my eyes throughout because i do not want to see whatever tools they are using inside my mouth. i heard drilling, i feel threads but i just felt a wee bit of pain, thankfully. i was also zikir-ing so much just to make my mind distracted a bit. wanted to read the ma’thurat but believe it or not, i got stuck on reciting Kursi! i can’t finish the verse because my brain was confused! the dentist kept on saying you’re doing good Seri.

and it was done in about 40 minutes. given meds and all the while, i was just a blur when the nurse explained to me.

went back and cried coz i feel pain. taking painkillers, having to change the cotton gauze every 30 minutes and the sight of blood makes me go weak in the knees. but having the gauze in my mouth is the most tiring from this experience. so im glad there wasnt so much blood in the evening and just have to deal with the mouthwash and painkillers.

i guess i feel better. swollen a bit, on soft food and drinks. im looking forward to get back to normal. so so glad did it on a weekend as i have my darling husband around. because really, when in pain, i only want my husband, holding my hand or giving me a hug is all that i need for comfort. slept and drooled on his naked shoulder. prepared my porridge meals. i may not have survived if i had to do it on weekdays when he is not around. i would have begged him to come home. but all is well. alhamdulillah.

so, that’s your 33rd present seri.

grateful

/ livingseri / Leave a comment

second weekend of raya and i have to say i am tired from all the visitings. of course, of course, it is good and only appropriate and despite all the exhaustion, it is truely a once a year thing. i have truly nothing against it. i pretty like it still. just tired.

but alhamdulillah, visited the important people, uncles and aunts and then some, cousins who have had new houses. i actually found this year’s visits a bit more satisfying in a way. perhaps it was due to the week’s off i had on first raya week. and then spending that weekend with husband side of the family, and this second weekend with my side of the family. i did not have that’stressness’ of having to choose or feeling torn and angry at myself. even with having to go to work in the mornings of this weekend (as we just re-opened madrasah classes), and then continue on to the outings in the afternoon all the way to evening, even that does not stress me out. so im grateful. im happy. family’s happy, my parents are happy. that’s what matters.

and somehow, i loved all the dresses and baju kurungs i wore these few days. and somehow, i looked nice enough in the photos. haha. like i dont look too tired like previous years’ pics and the lipcreams ive been using also helped alot because i dont look dark lipped in the photos! im so going to keep using these lipcreams. they don’t cost a bomb either.

surprisingly, this year, celebrating my 33 years was nice too. surprise cakes from two separate occassions, one from colleagues and the other from the tweevran family. so again, alhamdulillah. for the love and care, for making me feel i deserve to be celebrated.

alhamdulillah. Thank you Lord. please protect all the people that matters to me.

birthday wish

/ livingseri / Leave a comment

so that poem has been playing in my head almost the whole day since morning. perhaps it came because i am a year older starting tomorrow. perhaps it came because it seems like every other person i know is getting pregnant by the dozens. ok, exaggerated. i mean, i am jealous of people who seems to be so easy to get pregnant, sometimes lost one and then poop, another one comes. like don’t they ever stop reproducing? and i am honestly sorry, but i cannot be happy seeing you with a baby bump. you, whoever you are. it’s like hi, so long never meet, and suddenly, what, another one? already? you know those awkward moments. because i don’t know how to react anymore to hearing pregnant news and you, no doubt, do not know how to react knowing i have not yet any. and then it is better to just keep quiet.

i have never really say it out loud. but hearing news after news just breaks my heart. i want to be happy for other people, but there is always a rip that i can hear in the deep core, i ended up feeling numb. and then i just retreat in my shell and pretend life goes on as usual. when it is not. because someone else will have an addition in the family, because someone else will get to be busy and start posting pictures of anything and everything related to babies, because someone else’s life has changed and i am still here. still me. still just me, no upgrades yet.

still, i am pretty much lucky and fortunate. because my aunts and uncles, even his side, never and i say, have never pressured us or questioned us. i guess, its pretty much in the family.

we will keep trying. eventually Allah will answer our prayers.

so, happy birthday to me. my wish: a baby, please.

but my wish and prayer too, that Allah protects me and my husband, and family. i have been truly blessed with so much more from Allah, that sometimes im ashamed to be yearning for a baby, because really, Allah knows better what is good and right for me. He definitely knows when i will be ready to receive His gift or otherwise. He knows the mystery of what lies ahead for me. so for all that He has bestow on me and my husband and my family, i am grateful. and saying i am grateful is not enough. i am grateful to be breathing till now and may Allah grant me longevity and health and strength to serve and accomplish what He lays ahead of me.

Ya Allah, embrace me and my husband in Your love, mercy and protection.

so much from and for this man. thank you for loving me.

little one, or two

/ livingseri / Leave a comment

do you not think
i yearn
to feel the soft skin
to smell a baby’s breath
to touch his cheeks and
see his smile

do you not think
i yearn
to hold her close to my heart
to hug and feel her warmth
to kiss endless kisses and
see her smile

do you not think
i yearn
to see pure eyes light up
to hear sweet voices calling me
to hold tiny fingers and toes
and see his smile

do you not think
i yearn
to call a baby my own
to give him that name i chose a decade ago
to finally see that dream come true
and that pain is all worth it for her

do you not think
i yearn
for a baby or two
to see the man his father is
to see her mother i will come to be
to finally announce we are no longer two
but a family complete with a him and her

for everyday i yearn
for everyday i pray
for everyday i miss
a gift which has not come to be
for everyday i dream
a life which has not exist

dear little one, or two
please know i yearn for you
that i am missing you
that i am calling a name
without a face
that i am ready for you

dear little one, or two
please hear mama’s call
please come to papa’s arms

dear little one, or two
please know we will always wait for you
please know we will always yearn for you
please be, soon.

Eid 2016

/ livingseri / Leave a comment

Alhamdulillah. we meet Eid again.

quite honestly, i am not the type to look forward to Eids so much. the feeling is more mild and void of the tranquility we had in ramadan. of course, the first day of Eid is a symbol of success after going through the fasting month. but really, my eid is up to solat eid. after that, the feeling slows down and going through the motion of visiting. as always, i had to rush.

but oh well, all is fine. i am just glad that i have the week to have some recuperating apart from the visiting.

the one difference and excitement i had this year was the sudden crafting urge to make flower arrangements and finally had the opportunity to just go for it and do it. perhaps i may have went overboard about it. i spent close to 300$ on the flowers from bazaar, some tools from spotlight and the vases from ikea. but i am happy. and i am quite surprised that i have some talent in it! initially it was out of need to give some colour to my PV house. but turned out, i have awesome skills and eye for it. i am glad i did it. i absolutely loved and enjoyed the whole process of arranging the flowers. i couldnt stop looking at them!

IMG_1402

i also arranged some for my mom and sisters and for HC home. i am on a roll. i don’t mind pursuing this. arranging the flowers are almost therapeutic, just as i had with my scrapbooking and bookmarks. i loved it.

and i hope to make it a yearly thing. maybe it can be gifts that i can give to relatives for raya. i can take this time to make it as a serious hobby to learn the trades and one day, it can benefit others too. i posted the pics on fb and ig and i was surprised that many people approved of it. maybe next time it can be a sideline, i could learn about fresh flowers and more. could be just one of the skills that i can be proud of.

well i guess that is the highlight of my eid.

26 Ramadan

/ livingseri / Leave a comment

Left with a few more days of Ramadan. SubhanAllah. Time flies so fast almost without realising it.

Every Ramadan has its own set of challenges, so i mentioned to some friends. indeed it is. whether its personal, or workwise, or in my case, service to the mosque’s perspective.

i remember last year’s ramadan. i was having such a hard time inner me, it was not just about physical work which was never an issue for me but it was the tension between colleagues that lingered around in the office. there seemed to be no one to trust. i was like an observer but also a part of it. it was really difficult for me because it was not in my nature to betray or think badly of anyone. and having had to experience them, i couldnt turn to anyone except to Allah, to guide me, to show us the truth. i was deeply affected by the whole fiasco because they are good colleagues, but circumstances changed them. i was not able to do anything about it but Masya Allah, the truth revealed itself out of the blue.

this year. i realised i was much calmer. i knew i would enter ramadan in the midst of some busy mode for the holiday programmes that we are having. but 4 things i set intention to:

1) focus on the ibadah, terawih, reading Qur’an, zikir, tahajjud the works.

2) give focus on work, holiday programmes, a balance on normal work routine and ramadan/iftar duties, and helping out at the muslimah levels of the mosque.

3) i want some balance of doing wife, daughter, sister duties during ramadan. what this means is, i do not want to leave my family out just because i felt the need to be around to help out during iftar prep. previously, i would spend more time at work than i am at home during ramadan. i think i pretty much handled it well this time. did my duty sometimes 4 days out of 7, and the rest at home and with family.

4) i do not want to stress myself with the shoes mess and the saf mess. perhaps this sounds weird. but really every year, i feel so stressed out everytime i see these messes that i took it upon myself to do everything. and then got angry when it wasnt done properly. this year, i am just ‘letting it go’, i did made some posters around and i did, still, ask the ladies to fill up the saf properly, i did run up and down to check the levels, but i don’t feel angry anymore. i did my part, and the rest, i leave it to Allah. because at the end, Allah accepts our ibadah, insya Allah. i just want to stay calm, it is ramadan after all. i do not want to get so worked up. perhaps i am used to comments or angry faces whenever i asked people to fill up the saf, but really, i forgot about them once i started listening to the imam reciting the surahs in the rakaats. my last resort when people don’t move, i move. and prove to them that we all fit in just nice, just close the gap already! if you don’t move, well, your problem, not my problem.

so Alhamdulillah, i feel at peace. it is true. Allah will make things at ease. because i only hope for His forgiveness and His guidance. The mosque is His. i just want have to be more assertive on the saf t hingy that’s all. but again, i think people are getting better at it. they don’t listen still, but i did see some who are willing to fill up the saf gaps. so it’s some progress.

now, just some anchoring for the eid prayer, because things have got to improve.

​i hope the last days of ramadan this year will be fruitful too. i am super glad that i will be clearing my off in lieus till raya and so insya Allah, i am looking forward to a week’s worth of no work. 🙂 because i think i desperately needed it. since we havent been travelling, i just need to let myself out of workzone. introverts needed that.

Eid Saeed.

a week on hiatus

/ livingseri / Leave a comment

i have to say my work energy has been very low this week. brain drain and unable to make decisions. i couldnt finish work faster. i take it from a positive point of view. just the time and opportunity to take it slow. because really, after ramadan, it will be one thing after another.

currently doing continuations for 2017 and then siblings registration and then the public. some decisions need to be made, like should we have night classes for certain levels or how do i manage some requests to change sessions and stuffs like that. i am honestly quite nervous.

but not before my raya-rest week. trying to clear all the off in lieus. pretty much looking forward to that. not that i will be doing much visiting, i would have preferred to stay home and rest. in any case, hoping that afterwards, this work energy will come back as normal. yes, i feel tired, exhausted sometimes and i dont even know why. its not like i have children to take care of after work, or extra moonlighting or studying…i guess its pretty human to feel a bit demotivated. or perhaps i just need to find something new to work on. or it is just my pattern like this,in june, it will be a bit slow and then gear up again come july. perhaps i have worked hard from january to may.

not to worry though. i have mentioned it to a colleague, that i have left my career to God. He will decide for me as He knows what is best for me. If i am still needed here, i will persevere and do the best i can. if there is someone better who can take over this job and it is time for me to go, He will guide me then. truly, me being here is not so much my decision, but planned as He has. this mosque belongs to Him, He guards it and Wallahi, He knows. I am here because of Him, and if I leave, it is because of Him. some soul searching or soul retreat will help me in finding the passion back again.

you know how uplifting it can be to finally understand and embrace everything that happens is because of Him. so live. and just be. Allah is with the patience.

picture done with wordswag app.

mid ramadhan

/ livingseri / Leave a comment

i am at work. but i feel like i would be better off at home. reading. watching games of thrones. catching up of dramas. re-watching charmed for the umpteenth time. clearing the room of stuffs, the wardrobe of old clothes. doing sewing alterations of my many jubahs. cooking. baking. a hundred other things i could do at home. just relaxing enjoying home whether at central or pv. anywhere but not at work.

it is the school holidays anyway. i feel like i want to do away from all this administrative things i have to do. to please other people. to fulfill people’s instructions and demands. my brain is going through very slow period at work. also due to the many rounds of headaches i have been experiencing these days. quite worried but i do not think it is serious enough for a visit to the doctor, although the headaches can be quite throbbingly painful and nauseatic, like you feel you want to vomit but you cant. yes panadol may not work sometimes. but it does get better after a day or two.

ramadhan has been good to me. i have put in some assertion that i do not want to tire myself with work. i do not want to stress myself with the different characters of people coming to the mosque for terawih. although sometimes i feel hurt. but at the end, i tell myself that, leave it to Allah. only He accepts our ibadah all the same, whether one is better than the other, it is not up to me. let it be, forgive them, don’t take it personally. leave it to Allah. and i feel freed and i was able to concentrate in my prayers.

i am trying to put in more effort spiritually and balance out the time at home and duty at work. i think im doing ok at the moment. i was able to buka with husband when i can, with one group of friends for a bday dinner, with my family for mom’s birthday and father’s day. so now i just want to put in extra extra points for the spiritual part.

We have had quite a number of holiday programmes this June. the most i think, in our mosque 7 years history. i am glad and grateful to the people who worked tirelessly and given their time and energy for the programmes. it is heartening to see the days filled up with students coming to the mosque and gaining knowledge, filling up their school holidays with beneficial activities. i am also relieved that parents support the programmes and send their children. and all lead by my teachers. but it takes some motivation and explaination to have them teachers see my vision of taking benefit from this holiday and ramadan to conduct several programmes, full time and part time teachers alike. we are left with three more sessions of iqra classes and one qiyam for teens 3 – youth 2 students. and then i promise myself i will not disturb them till raya. except for the occassional questions or messages. i am truly grateful to the teachers and i am glad that the initiatives and creativity the teachers had to conduct the programmes.

ok two more weeks to go. time sure flies fast. so let me indulge in these two weeks.

So help me Lord.

book review: the vegetarian

/ livingseri / Leave a comment

The VegetarianThe Vegetarian by Han Kang

My rating: 3 of 5 stars

It took me a while to write a review of this Man Booker winner. It is my first time reading a book written by a Korean author, translated. i have mostly read Haruki Murakami before, so it was a nice change to read from another asian author. but i cant help thinking how very haruki-ish the Vegetarian is. not that i’m complaining.

The protagonist was in a way, not a protagonist. her only ‘voice’ was of her retelling of her dreams. her ‘physical’ story is told by three different characters throughout, span into three chapters at different periods of her time. One was her story through her husband’s eyes and experience, which i quite heart wrenching. as a husband who had, till then, had a good marriage life with his wife, suddenly find him not quite knowing who the woman he had loved and married. this is when the protagonist started to have dreams which then changed her into a vegetarian, in a society that loves their beef and kimchis. i could really feel this husband’s frustration and confusion on what caused his wife to change, and not knowing how to deal with the situation, or how to help his wife. like a dead end, a desperation. and through out this ordeal, i have the impression that his wife is nonchalant about her change, that it seems perfectly normal to her to be a vegetarian and do not see the need to explain to her husband, or her family members of what made her change her dietary, much to the anger of her father. this highlights the night they had a family dinner and the her father, out of anger and frustration, tried to forced her to eat meat. at first, i do think, it is ridiculous how she changed because of a dream, and then i felt that is totally cruel to abuse and force her to eat what she deemed repulsive and abhor.

and then we moved on to a next face of her life, which now she is divorced and living alone, going through medication, taken care of by her elder sister. but this time, through the ‘eyes’ of her brother in law. which was at times, i find the experience abominable. but still, again, yeong hye, the vegetarian, goes through this phase devoid of feelings and values. except her fascination to the plants and flowers painted on her body by the brother in law. but here, i do not sympathise with either yeong hye or her brother in law. i find both of them ridiculous. there is pseudo passion, avoidable intimacy if only the brother in law was in the right state of mind.

the next chapter would be my fave as it is told by her elder sister, In hye. this i could relate as a big sister, trying to bring the family together, to taking responsibility over her little sister’s predicament and her own marriage marred by both her sister and husband. despite all, still forgiving to her sister’s innocuous act. still trying to love her and understand her needs, trying to do what is best for her little sister, but unable to comprehend what she is actually going through. and here, i feel like i am behind her sister, somewhat trying to whisper her to move on and be strong, calm and patient.

Reading The Vegetarian, gives me questions of mainly exactly what Yeong hye is going through, what is she thinking actually, was she even aware of what is happening around her. it felt like she is just going a trance, unable to bring herself out of the blanket and lead her life ‘normal’. Was she sad or happy? perhaps in the book, it gives the impression that she is totally embracing her thoughts and lifestyle, fully satisfied with her life and what she is to become. but really, if she is having some different inner thoughts, what does she see through her own eyes?

and as haruki style, you don’t quite know what actually happened at the end. leaves you hanging to decide what you wish to. the story grips me, wishing to find more and more what is going to happen to her all the way to end. and it is not always that i manage to read a Man Booker book fresh after it is announced as the winner and i a quite lucky to have been able to borrow the book from the local library, knowing it has a long list of reservations. i can safely say i might have found another author i could look forward to reading her next book.

View all my reviews

book review: when breath becomes air

/ livingseri / Leave a comment

When Breath Becomes AirWhen Breath Becomes Air by Paul Kalanithi

My rating: 2 of 5 stars

It is a good book, perhaps the many life and death philosophy and a lot of medical terms makes me unable to embrace it fully.

if you’re probably having the same questions such as the late Paul has, questions of life and death, than this could be a book you can read. i don’t and i am not a fan of faith vs science debates trying to reconcile or separate between the two. or to find meaning of life and death. perhaps i just don’t understand what he is searching for.

and only Lucy’s epilogue touched my heart a bit. only then i can connect and feel some emotion and inspiration about what they are going through as a family. it very well could be a great legacy for little Cady.

View all my reviews