i want my donuts!! and have a good time! or spend the whole day at cafe@library and read a good book throughout. for at the moment, i don’t really have the mood to be happy about anything.

in a crappy mood and craznoks everywhere. it must be that time of the month, but hey…am exhausted, so little time to do so many things! so many things to think about and so little time to really spare the time and think it through, so many questions and i suddenly find myself helpless, my brain’s not working at this very moment. and all i could think of why would they even think of this things?? why make life difficult by asking these questions? (remember the story of Musa a.s and his people, when they were ordered to simply find a cow, and they go on asking question after question, about the cow, that it became harder for them to find one?? i was reminded of the story throughout skimming through the questions)

and i was told to answer them, at the very minute i was so putting my mind to doing something else which is equally important and running for deadline, dateline, whatever!

and here i am stuck in a hole. because i couldn’t think properly, and someone else in this house got angry with someone, practically screaming at this someone, when hei, suddenly everybody is at fault!! hello??? i just returned home? so ok fine, i’ll do the chores the very next minute i stepped home. would that be….hmm…fine with everyone??

i wanted to get back to answering those questions. but i just don’t have the mental energy to. but would i be forgiven for being mentally drained? No. because nobody cares. because everybody has their own problem. …so why would i be helping someone?

Lord, forgive me for being this way, i know i shouldn’t be. maybe i should sleep on it. and wake up to a new better day.

so help me Lord. give me the strength to help them. insya Allah.

yey!!! the most awaited day had passed. i had been waiting for the day, even a mental countdown towards the day. and after all the donuts and the long talks, laughters and tears. i’m too happy and grateful that we spent the day together.
after a bad morning start, a hectic week, yesterday is a heal. we should meet again soon, for a five petalled- rose doesn’t look pretty when one is withered.

there’s more days to come. we have yet to complete the quorum~

” And insult not those whom they (disbelievers) worship besides Allah, lest they insult Allah wrongfully without knowledge. Thus We have made fair-seeming to each people its own doings; then to their Lord is their return and He shall made known to them all that they used to do.” (Al-An’am: 108)

No no, this is not a proclaimation of any doubt or uncertainty. but let’s talk about a book which i am reading at the moment. IIU-pals, you have got to read the book ( My currently reading list), you’ll find some very familiar antics there.

am in no promoting this book, i started out being a sceptic towards the book. it clearly proclaimed I AM MUSLIM in a big red dot (somehow reminds me of communism) and the baby portrayed happened to look like a cute chinese baby. I opened to the back flap of the book, and bamm, there’s the author looking very pretty and all the intelligent aura, very MOD. i’m thinking, oh no, this lady is going to slammed the religion, disgraced adherents of the religion and say that look, i am so much better than you people out there. i read the first page, and found out the author grew up in a western country. oh no, this lady is going to say something bad about the malays, because clearly she seemed to be proud of her western upbringing. oh no, this lady is going to sham us muslims.

but not so fast. i almost put the book back on the shelf, but somehow, i didn’t. i thought, before i spewed all these accusations, it would be good if i read it first and understand what is it she wanted to say. she couldn’t be a personal enemy of mine if i happen to dislike the book. and days later i saw her face featured in straits times, about that very book i borrowed form the library. made me more raring to read it.

and so, even though it has not reached my favourite book level yet, i can’t help but agree with most of what she wrote in it. about being muslims but going to bomohs for remedies from spirits, about being a muslim and a nationalistic malay (in a certain country), about being muslim but fighting your inner sexuality, about being a muslim but non-philantropists. it’s how she expresses her dismay and sadness towards the community she’s living in, towards understanding who we really are, truly about finding oneself. i had to stop being a sceptic.

our values are often mixed up, when culture and religion collides, when personal conviction collides with societal blueprint, when inner desires contradicts with what you know. no wonder they say humans are complex. society, more complex than ever. who decides what is wrong or right? and when it is decided, revealed even, why can’t we just follow and have a utopian happy idealistc life?? why, if everything’s written down, why do sins happen?

humans…christians damned you with sins, hindus damned you with karma, jews damned you with lost land.

but we have always been pure. it’s a matter of maintaining that purity. Lord, this hurts. So help me Lord.

I am Muslim.

people are so afraid of change sometimes that they jumped to every mistakes, like a prey pouncing on its victims without first, appreciating first. but its normal for humans to think thus.

there was the hype of someone writing in the papers about the latest islamic education to be adopted by most mosques in the coming years. people don’t seem to believe in it,they do not think this age-appropriate and holistic idea of teaching is going to work. they couldn’t see the WHOLE picture. one slight ignorant remark from a child can make one think that EVERYTHING is wrong. a child being young. an old man being old.

it could be the commentor are not that aware of the whole process it takes to make even one page of syllabus.

it may be there are flaws, it may be there are need for teachers to be more effective in their methods, it could be the children need to be more anticipative, it could be the parents need to be receptive and not jump to conclusions. try to understand.

good things don’t always started out smooth. that’s the rule of success.

why being alive is so important?
we learn to know the challenges muslims are facing
we learn to believe in the most practical way, as well as, practice in order to believe.
we learn to understand the Qur’an and how it connects us to the world. ie. qur’an- guidebook- knowledge for life- about people, about wealth, about rewards, about sins, about forgiving.
we find out how best to practice Islam. ie. not limited to halal haram, but also expands to seeking knowledge, science, hygiene, relationship. Islam is all about balance between the material and the spiritual.
we find out that everyone is born pure. so why should we leave anyone out? everyone is invited!!

1. to update on retreat at the zoo (have to upload pics from pc @ office)

2. to update on iask launch (got some pics but so nice…so have to wait for en. rosly’s pics…”haa, tu lah, siapa suruh jadi self- appointed photographaer, kan gambar takde muka sendiri~ :)))

3. to update on whatever’s interesting enough to talk about in my life.

4. to start thinking like a smart person. for Lord’s sake, whatever happened to all those knowledge you’re supposed to gain??? You need some serious revisions!

5. look up action plan list and see what next to accomplish

6. SIGN UP FOR DRIVING TEST, beb!!

7. i want to watch stardust!! anyone’s joining??

on a last note: drop by my dear friend Qzai’s blog for one of her posts which have a list of ‘why guys love girls’ or something life that. it definitely is so sweet. *sigh* for a moment there, i wish there’s a guy who’d think that of me. Zaimah!! i still believe in that same ciri2 relationship that we talked about once upon a night long ago~~~ bila nih nak buat camtu?? haha!

not to be too caught up in this. ratu said not to be pressured by the surroundings, or what they say, or what they think. i need to be ready and to truly know who/what is right at the right time. sometimes i longed for something which could fill this fragile heart, but at the same time, i deny those for fear of what? for lack of what? i’m so old-fashioned in this. or maybe there’s too much to think on it, it tires me and then i blanked it out.

there’s other things needed care of.

very baddd. you have got to stop this very bad habit seri!! you have got to stop sneeaaakiinggg at other people’s sites, friendster not multiply nor facebook nor whatever toottttss that would possibly give you the wasilah to find out about somebody. you have got to stop sneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaking. it’s unethical and conflicts with your integrity and your promise, YOUR PROMISE, YOUR VOW never to know about others!! never to know what you MUST NOT KNOW. Remember IGNORANCE IS BLISS??? what good would it do?? what good? For the GOOD LORD’s sake. stop trying to find out about toooott. what? who is it again?? what business is it of me?

whose fault is it? whose fault? she for playing along with that superficial game??!! he for being so heartless?? she for being so close, so reachable, so accessible?? me for being plain plain stupid?! what kind of a friendship is this??

you know it hurts BIG TIME!! so why did you do it??? you really shouldn’t have. shouldn’t have think about even sneeaaaking at other’s sites. i was perfectly ok, going on with my life, working, so striving for the good of the youths. i was so OK, being with my beloved friends, missing my girls, days with Ericko-san (btw, don’t shout yet, ericko-san is lifeless, ie, my hp), days with my strings, drinks with my lemon tea, days with my clan, and then i met a person, whom i know obviously, who happened to be a close friend, and seeing this good person, and totally reminded of whoever it is laaa. it’s just that!! baammm, you have to know someone who’s a direct wasilah to whatever…

i don’t have to be so emotional at the moment. i don’t. it’s just this anger i had in me. just anger. anger. i need to let out this anger. keeping silent for so long is not healthy. Come on Seri, get hold of yourself. There are a million things to do. This should not hinder the steps to what i’ve been dreaming of. I have a long list of action plan. but you know how they say sometimes we have to face our enemy.

Zaimahhhh!!!! i need you!!!

***sigh***

it’s always when we have some peace of mind, some calm and having that one direction which we are moving towards to, there will always be something which seems to set some thorns on the path. those thorns which doesn’t hurt much, but once felt, it left scars on your feet, making you limp along the way, till it heals itself. still, the cycle is neverending, once flowers are blooming, thorns will appear. and this is the devil in me. this pseudo-heartbreak. just when i thought i have found my way, there’s the devil waving at me. and so again, i have to fight it before it numbed me. i do not know for how much longer should i feel this way.

so help me LORD.

i’m suspecting my sister is having a boyfriend~ kwang kwang kwang~

she’s always sms-ing, always asking for top-ups, always blushing when we teased her. hey little sis, don’t follow the light! the light’s deceiving!!! ok dramatic-ko.

little sis, do take care of yourself. i hope the guy’s as good as the name which he bears. teenage love is a scary thing. and you’re living in a different world than mine. and we can’t always see eye to eye. there’s always something you did which irritated me and vice versa.

i do not want you to get hurt. i do not want you to be disappointed.
i do not want you to stray from the dreams which you have.
and most importantly, please take care of yourself.

fuwwoohh, i have 20 minutes before the clock turned 11 pm, and i strive to end this as fast as i possibly can because i need to sleep in early. Kerja lah esok~ kerja lagi ekk??? i’m honestly and truly feeling exhausted and i don’t think i had real rest the whole of this week and my sleeps were not helping. you know those nights when you were thinking while you’re sleeping, or there seem to be a million things running through your REM? really, i thought i only got those thinking – sleeping nights during exam weeks!! and waking up feeling unrefreshed. *sigh*

the week, was Kia ora! had the working with youth workshops, which was totally enriching and motivating, meeting old friends and making new friends. sincere laughs and intense brainstormings. i learnt alot. and am so motivated to teach my teens classes, even ready to start next year’s class. i have so many agendas for the students next year!

saturday was no rest day, in fact,i was out of home the whole day! 8 am – 4 pm, teaching. it was evaluation day, which i avoided thinking on it, it passed, and i couldn’t possibly enclosed anything. it’s masjid thing. not my thing. just praying for the best, and i did not let anyone or any parties down, i hope. i’m just doing the best i can. then took over 1.30’s class, because there’s only one relief teacher. so i had to help her, considering the real trainers for that particular class, both of them are having exams at the moment….

…which became a problem for me today, sunday. which was supposed to be a fine day. of course i had to teach today. at 1.30. there were two teens classes. i have my own class, and the other was managed by the two-examed trainers. i got an sms early in the morning, from the Coordinator, informing me she couldn’t get any relief for the other teens class. do i have any friends who can? damn, i don’t have friends who have teaching backgrounds!! but then again, i sms-ed a few, one i knew had some formal training, others did tuitioning. so i smsed whoever i think would be able to at least teach, well, they don’t have to really teach la kan, i will be there to assist still. so from 7 am to 11 am, none of those sms-ed were able to relief, with reasons such as nak jalan raya, going to wedding and what nots. i truly understand them. it’s a last minute thingy anyway!! even if it’s me, i wouldn’t want to do it!! but what made me angered, at that moment was… i totally understand that exams are important, so so important, but couldn’t they at least, settled who their relief teachers first?? i could make myself available for your saturday class, but sunday class, hello?? i have my own class? same time? have a relief teacher lah, inform the coordinator earlier, not leave her in the dark, unknowing??? expecting us to automatically understand?? we totally understood your situation, but at least, have a heart for us too!! kelam kabut seh nak cari relief. hari ni ada class, hari ni baru nak cari relief, and mana ada orang yang sanggup ajar at such a short notice??!!

so i took up both classes today. thank goodness students were cooperative. i enjoyed teaching them. my anger cooled the very moment i saw them. but it’s just that, don’t take me for granted, can?? i have a life too. i willingly did not go to an alumni raya gathering because of teaching, and i know it’s just so hard to get a relief teacher nowadays. i so willingly did not go, when i so wanted to!!

it’s so me, isn’t it? always taking up jobs/tasks/errands when no one else can!! so me. the disease i had since iiu days, right?? come on peeps, i have a damn life!

i wasn’t forced to take up both classes today, my sheer motivation was the thought, if no one’s teaching, who will? but others have got to realise their responsibility too. don’t take me for granted, or the coordinator for granted. don’t think just because she’s supervising, everything’s fine. just because i’m here, i can always relief for them. please ah!!~

i’m so tired.

oh by the way. congratulations to a new friend, Eddie and Ike on their wedding. Ike looked gorgeous. it’s been nice knowing Ike. (alas i couldn’t take their pics, went to their wedding on Saturday, right after teaching, and my Ericko-san’s battery was uncharged)

and tomorrow’s another day. a working day. a challenging day. and i don’t know what to expect, considering i haven’t been in office for the whole week. pray the best~