the taste of ink

IMG_8473 i love blogging. no doubt about it. nowadays though, i find writing makes more impact. and i mean, physically manually writing with pen and paper.

i am back to writing journals. i feel its a legacy almost. i also just realised, without me consciously doing it, i have journals for different specific purpose. travel journal, cooking/recipes notebook, and just recently, the desire to write about my life my family. even though if my life is not even half as exciting as other people could be, every family has their own story and i feel someone should write it down.

and what do i know, my father requested that i checked the store and eventually found a whole big box of stuffs from my past, and yes, including some diaries from my teenage years. i thought i threw away those books already?! took one out and laughed my heart out reading what i wrote back in 1997.

and then i picked up Ruth Ozeki’s A Tale for The Time Being for this long weekend read. coincidentally, it also revolves about writing and diaries and journals. on a side note, i am loving this book to the core. maybe i have a thing about japanese authors.

i think writing thoughts and words down may make me more creative. i used to love writing stories and poems back them in my school exercise books. i have no idea where those ideas come from but i did. and i enjoyed writing them.

yes, i am excited to write again.

32

It’s nice blue skies with white strokes of cloud. It’s surprisingly cool and breezy. It is my favourite kind of weather.

and perhaps the rain in the wee hours brings with it His Rahmah. and perhaps the tears cools the heart.

Oh. Hello 32.

14 July 2015

27 Ramadan 1436

pre-pasti

These words formed. on 28 Syaaban.

Saddened by the news of so many deaths of good people. #sabahquake- children and teachers. a couple killed in an accident leaving two young children. a mosque volunteer who braved cancer till her last days. a young actor with a good personality passed on suddenly.

its always like this. You know it’s Syaaban, or you know it’s near Ramadan, when you hear news of death one after another.

How about us? How would our deaths be? How would our death affect others? How would earth receive us? How prepared are we? Like how, when you die, you know you have to accomplish things you couldn’t? like small children you are leaving behind? parents you have to take care of? a work responsibility? who would continue the job? leaving spouses? leaving spouses. I am sure it is hard.

I have always thought of how my late grandparents yayi and nyayi leaving within 24 hours. it has always amazed me. we have always consoled one another saying that yayi loves nyayi so much and he didn’t want to make it difficult for his children to take care of nyayi (she was bedridden).

I wouldn’t know how to take these grief.

Innalillahi wa inna ilaihi rajiun

cuba sebut ‘innalillahi wa inna ilaihi raji’un’ (Al-Baqarah: 156)

cuba sambung ayat selepas (Al-Baqarah:157)

cuba lah, ambik Qur’an buka baca ayat tu.

kalau rasa2 diri dibenci orang, dihina orang, dianaktirikan manusia, dihamba-firaunkan.

bacalah, ‘innalillahi wa inna ilaihi raji’un’

suruh kerja keras tidak mahu

sepotong ayat sampai bila2 pun akan dibahaskan dan dihukum

bila dah berilmu dan berjaya, sombong pula

bila tak berilmu, masih juga ada sombongnya

dikata tak kenang budi, kita pula yang disalahkan

orang kita, sentiasanya lah akan menyalahkan orang lain dan bukan diri sendiri.

Cuba faham: Innalillahi wa inna ilaiHi raji’un.

precious weekend

having a full two days weekend is a luxury to me and whenever i had that chance, i just want the days to go very slowly because i have many things to do in two days. haha. or sometimes i just want it to go slowly because i just want to enjoy tranquility, of just resting reading a book or watching movies without my brain thinking too much about what’s happening at work or if everything is alright or otherwise.

i want the two days to go slowly please. work had been fulfilling so far. except for these two days, i really feel ‘blank’ and just doing menial tasks. and doing outstanding fees is just so boring and tedious now that we have more students. but lately the teachers have been doing surprisingly well like for the the workshop and fieldtrips and even clearing their teachers’ office willingly without having me to ask them to do. maybe they kind of get it how i sometimes go to their office and clearing small stuffs or maybe they just had a eureka moment that for now, finally, having a room to call their own, they are more than willing to play a part in keeping it clean. im glad they finally understand that i like things to be clutter free and i believe everything has its place. where home is still quite a challenge because hubbylove is able to live in a cluttered room. in my deepest heart, i love cleanliness.

so ok, im kind of distracted by this movie HER on HBO, so cutting this short.

ciao.

tomorrow is a busy day at parc vera for me and finally becoming somewhat mam of the house.

sugar free

hubbyLove is back safe and sound. alhamdulillah. my hubby is one of the most reserved and shy person i have known but at times he could forget where he is standing and could even portray public display of affection. like a hug and kiss on the lips after being away from me for four days. at times like this, i feel like the shy girlfriend whose heart beats with anticipation for the boyfriend returning home. blushing and smiling to receive the boyfriend. haha.

it is March already. Already?! i feel like i have not stop rushing through the days.

but i finally learnt to let go today. it is a sunday and i had a clear mind and not worry about work. sometimes i am still teased by the thoughts of quitting and had enough of these constant anxiety and busy-ness and managing expectations from every corner of my life. ideal would be to work lesser hours, and take care of both homes, one which require me to care for my parents. but since i may not have that chance yet, i am trying to make do with whatever time i have and have the best of both worlds.

this month, the plan is to cook for lunch and dinner. lunch meaning something which hubbyLove can bring to work because he’s been skipping lunch a few times already. so i am now researching by the day how to make this happen. one thing for sure is to wake up much earlier and prepare them fast because hubbyLove goes off at 6.30am. i have set my mind on this and i will do it.

i have also set my mind to have a sugar free month this March. i know it already sound hard and i dont know how i will do after a few days. but something clicked in my brain the past few days and i have declaring in my diary that i had my last teh ais and my last iced lemon tea. i want to see if i could finally live without these two fave drinks of all in my whole life. i wanted to go ‘slow’ and perhaps have a one sweet drink per day. and then move on to have totally sugar free days soon. let’s see how it goes this first week of March.

and yes, ‘i am in training for kinabalu’, so even if i work a whole 8 hours a day, i am going to make it happen. start with small exercises, have more walks perhaps, cycle more hopefully and perhaps finally take up running one of these days. i will do it.

and all these in addition to my habits tracking. i have a lot to accomplish.

write it down Seri. it made more sense.

Sugar free days here i come!

follow through

time is going too fast this year. already we are one week away from the third month! the third month of the year already I tell you. I somehow felt we should still be in January now.

I have put my whole heart mind and energy into my job and have some sense of work life balance as well. certain things I need to learn for now after two months of fast going routine.

1) I need to learn to let go. let go and let other people take the lead. because otherwise I am always anxious. learn to have full faith and tawakkal that whenever I am not around, things will go as it should be. it will be OK. I have to believe in it. it is all in the mind really. If I don’t learn to let go and let others lead, I am going to be stressed out and probably get high blood pressure, because that is how I am feeling these weeks.

2) Learn to be less serious. this has a lot to do with controlling how I react to situations. its either I take it positively and take it less personal or I start blaming myself and feel all negative about it. I used to be able to only see the positive sides of things, but being where I am now, I do have to be critical about things sometimes because otherwise we cannot learn. it is all about feedback. but it is also a balance of circle of control and circle of influence. there you go, some nlp and 7 habits practised together.

3) the planner works like….heaven!! I love my weekly planner and it has been my bff ever since. after trying out so many apps on productivity, I knew I am still a paper and pen person. it puts things more in perspective of what I am expected to do, help me to compartmentalise my work, family and personal life. made it more obvious and the magic of writing it down – it is a commitment. thank you Kikki K for just the right kind of journal I needed. it is just the simplicity and its functionality. ‘decorating’ it is not my priority, it’s more of impromptu-ness. some coloured pens and highlighters is all it needs. although i do have the life stickers that come with the journal, some small cute stamps i bought and i finally found a habit tracker that is not an app! its just an added on small piece of paper that i was able to paste at the corner of each week. i love it. everything i need in a journal.

4) i learnt that there’s only so much we can do in a day. the first few weeks of the year, i would be writing down a whole list of tasks i need to do for the DAY, but i realised, at the speed rate of work i am doing, i only managed to cross out a few items and have to bring forward the rest to the next day, to which, i had initially list other tasks. so apart from organizing my workload into days, like Mondays for research like and Tuesdays for paperworks, i decided that i can only achieve to complete three tasks only in a day. 1 major tasks and two additional somewhat minor tasks. because otherwise, i got stuck doing one thing and i cannot move on doing other pending tasks. already my job sometimes take a lot of time such as fee chasing and data records, which requires me to be meticulous. and then i don’t do other stuffs like lesson overviews and lesson planning. so yea, learn to let go (item 1) and accept that i can only do three tasks in a day. not more than that. so far, there has not been an idle day in my weeks now.

5) time is of major important factor in all this planning. and the power of foreseeing how much time you need to do a task or a meeting or whatever it is, is indeed very powerful. i have always trusted my time-thinking instinct and i am going to continue to do that. like when i know i have to chair a meeting, i projected my mind that this meeting is going to take only an hour. an hour it will indeed take. perhaps an extra 15 minutes allowance, but somehow i manage to stick to the time. if i have to attend a meeting, than usually that will take two hours max, so i will plan out my day to work around that two hours meeting and list out tasks which are manageable and doesn’t require much brainstorming or decision making. because after a meeting, depending on its subject at hand, i can get very brain drained. plan your time. it works wonders.

6) it has become a bit more easier to switch from my conscious mind to the unconscious. especially when i have a goal to achieve or something i really need to complete or accomplish. writing it down is the visual aspect of motivation. but the unconscious mind has a bigger role in making it happen. the belief that i can make it happen. it takes a while and some practice but i believe it is better for me now. it gives me that mind-nudge to just do it and follow through. same thing with the teachers when i do my contact time with them. key word. follow through.

7) and that brings me to one last thing. communicate. communicate. communicate. make time to communicate. with the teachers, full time or part time, i need to make that effort to ask how’s it going. because then that is one way to follow through. and i am teaching myself to take any setback or feedback or challenge as a positive thing that makes our worklife more exciting.

if i am down, there is no reason for my teachers to get that vibe and having that heavy hearted and down feeling as well. even if it is a mask, i will try to make myself feel better and see all these as the colours and spices of the worklife.

and my unconscious mind is set on becoming a good wife too this 2015! planning planning planning. and follow through.

An ode to my alter ego

2015/01/img_7724.jpg

An ode to my alter ego
A character of my fantasy
When fantasy was the only reality
When i was hurt and searching for me
When i was alone and in love
When i was weak and faithful
When i was strong and humble

An ode to this alter ego
A representative when no me was portrayed
An art is someone’s dream
A yearning in my eyes and imagination
An image of near modest beauty and strength
An archer in black beauty
An archer in firm softness
For that was what i was in search for

An ode to my alter ego
For forever being in my image
For forever a picture of me
For being a part of me without a second thought
So ingrained you have become a me

An ode to my alter ego
For it is hard to say goodbye
For somewhere you will be a twin of me
For sometime people do not understand
For the reason of not knowing me at all
But you is me
Just…a picture for me

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Disclaimer: for a long time i tried to search again the graphic artist of this picture. I remembered finding it in deviantart and instantly fell in love with it but the website has since grown and have so much artists and pictures it became impossible. It must have been more than ten years already i had this picture with me. I wanted to thank the graphic artist for this beautiful image and hope he or she continues to dream and create.

best of reading 2014

I was checking out my goodreads challenge in which I aimed to read 30 books by the end of the year. I managed to read only 24 books. although, I have to be honest, there are at least 3 books which I stopped halfway and couldn’t carry on reading them because they don’t capture my interest.

my best reads of 2014 have to be these:

1. Susan Cain’s Quiet.

It is the bible for the introverts. i understood myself better and kind of found enlightenment of my behaviour through those painful teenage years. and in a sense, found a more confident person in me.  just by embracing who i really am gives me a sense of faith and strength and…well..just be me.

2. Jeannette Walls’ The Silver Star

i had waited for her for so long. enough said. i love the book.

3. Haruki Murakami’s 1Q84

i know. i bought the books much much earlier but i only got to read them during my trip to Greece and Rome and i never regretted that they were my travelling companion throughout. reading this book reignites my love to murakami’s writings.

4. Jodi Picoult’s Leaving Time

The only book i read ‘on time’, heh, because it was published this year and bought it the first thing without hesitation when they became available at the local bookstores. i knew i loved it just from reading the synopsis. the terms ‘elephants’ and ‘psychic’ grabbed my attention without a doubt.

i am looking forward to a great reading year in 2015. and perhaps, maybe this time, i could read 30 books… with a reading room and a nice armchair.. swoons… ❤

hangover

ok i think, being me, i need two weeks of homacation.

one is for me to really just recuperate, recharge and re-energise myself doing things i miss doing. spend more time with my family and just stay home do nothing, really.

another week is for me to kind of re-connect with friends i didnt get to see everyday. seriously. one week is not enough to be doing everything and i have many things to acheive.

i would love to spend some time with my friends and my paternal cousins but i wasnt able to fit in everything! i honestly couldnt.

tomorrow i start work. i kind of happy to be working again but i know i have thousands of things to do. at the same time, i dont want to start work!!