the.taste.of.ink

When i write

ramadan pedih

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ramadan kembali
aahh penuh dengan harapan
dan semangat kental
katanya

ingin terawih
ingin qiyam
ingin khatam qur’an
ingin jadi pekerja yang baik
ingin jadi isteri yang baik

aahh semuanya ingin dilakukan dengan baik

tapi cuba sedaya upaya
penat dan hampa
bila hati terasa pedih
terasa sedih bagai dipinggir

semuanya dilakukan dengan harapan hanya terbaik
hadirkan diri bantu iftar
terawih ku ditolak tepi
sabar melayan kanak2
yang aku.. terbengkalai

tahajud ku dalam letih
qiyam ku mana kuat
tadarus ku sendirian
tiap dapat masa
cuba jalankan tanggungjawab untuk suami
mana mampu tak mahu berkeluh

aahh tapi susah ingin gembirakan semua
ada saja yang kurang, ada saja yang salah

ramadan yang pergi
ku wajahi mu dengan penuh harapan
ku tinggalkan mu dengan kepedihan

mungkin ini pengajaran kesabaran

semangat yang hilang

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semangat yang hilang
pedih letih sedih
apa yang ditangiskan
badan tak tertanggung
otak tak terfikir
hati tak terisi

semangat yang hilang
penat tenat sekat
apa yang nak diluahkan
badan terbisa lesu
otak terkenang sepi
hati terpudar kasih

semangat yang hilang
perlu kau ku peluk diri
perlu kau ku bijak kembali
perlu kau ku penuhi hati

semangat yang hilang
jangan lari dari mimpi
jangan rajuk dari sisi
banyak lagi nak realisasi

semangat ku yang hilang
ku pimpin kau ke mari
sama-sama kita diri
sayang, jangan putus hati

little one, or two

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do you not think
i yearn
to feel the soft skin
to smell a baby’s breath
to touch his cheeks and
see his smile

do you not think
i yearn
to hold her close to my heart
to hug and feel her warmth
to kiss endless kisses and
see her smile

do you not think
i yearn
to see pure eyes light up
to hear sweet voices calling me
to hold tiny fingers and toes
and see his smile

do you not think
i yearn
to call a baby my own
to give him that name i chose a decade ago
to finally see that dream come true
and that pain is all worth it for her

do you not think
i yearn
for a baby or two
to see the man his father is
to see her mother i will come to be
to finally announce we are no longer two
but a family complete with a him and her

for everyday i yearn
for everyday i pray
for everyday i miss
a gift which has not come to be
for everyday i dream
a life which has not exist

dear little one, or two
please know i yearn for you
that i am missing you
that i am calling a name
without a face
that i am ready for you

dear little one, or two
please hear mama’s call
please come to papa’s arms

dear little one, or two
please know we will always wait for you
please know we will always yearn for you
please be, soon.

the taste of ink

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IMG_8473 i love blogging. no doubt about it. nowadays though, i find writing makes more impact. and i mean, physically manually writing with pen and paper.

i am back to writing journals. i feel its a legacy almost. i also just realised, without me consciously doing it, i have journals for different specific purpose. travel journal, cooking/recipes notebook, and just recently, the desire to write about my life my family. even though if my life is not even half as exciting as other people could be, every family has their own story and i feel someone should write it down.

and what do i know, my father requested that i checked the store and eventually found a whole big box of stuffs from my past, and yes, including some diaries from my teenage years. i thought i threw away those books already?! took one out and laughed my heart out reading what i wrote back in 1997.

and then i picked up Ruth Ozeki’s A Tale for The Time Being for this long weekend read. coincidentally, it also revolves about writing and diaries and journals. on a side note, i am loving this book to the core. maybe i have a thing about japanese authors.

i think writing thoughts and words down may make me more creative. i used to love writing stories and poems back them in my school exercise books. i have no idea where those ideas come from but i did. and i enjoyed writing them.

yes, i am excited to write again.

mudahkan aku

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mudahkan aku Ya Allah

mudahkan aku untuk sentiasa tunduk pada Mu

mudahkan aku untuk berwudhu’ sucikan diri ku

mudahkan aku untuk berdiri tunaikan solat

walau di mana jua aku berada

mudahkan aku Ya Allah

mudahkan aku untuk membasahi bibirku dengan zikir Mu

mudahkan aku untuk sampaikan cintaku pada Rasul Mu

mudahkan aku untuk menggenggam Al-Qur’an mencerahkan hati ku

walau di mana jua aku berada

mudahkan aku Ya Allah

mudahkan aku nanti

mudahkan aku bertauhid di saat akhir

mudahkan aku redha tinggalkan segala

mudahkan aku sampaikan sayangku

mudahkan aku sekiranya malaikatmu menjemputku

mudahkan aku menempuh kegelapan dan sendirian

mudahkan aku menjadi saksi roh dan jasadku

mudahkan aku Ya Allah

mudahkan aku meniti sirat Mu

mudahkan aku menempah tempat di syurga Mu

mudahkan aku Ya Allah

mudahkan aku Ya Allah

sentiasa takut dan ingat pada kehendak Mu

sentiasa dambakan redha Mu

mudah mudahan Engkau terima rintihan ku

mudah mudahan Engkau terima ibadah ku

mudahkan aku Ya Allah

pasti

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pasti

hidup ini

pasti ada gembiranya

pasti ada sedihnya

ada pasang surutnya

yang lebih pasti

akhirnya hidup

dipilih untuk bertemu

tinggalkan semua yang ada

yang tak pasti

yang tak diduga

bila akhirnya

entah hari ini atau esok

entah bagaimana dan kenapa

akhirnya

yang pergi dikenang

yang tinggal merindu

yang pasti diiring doa

beratlah pasti

mengharungi tanpa di sisi

sedihlah pasti

tak percaya engkau pergi

bila akhirnya kita

kita tak pasti lagi

Ya Allah

panjangkan umur kami

penuhkan hari kami

ampunkan dosa-dosa kami

terimalah ibadah kami

sangat kerdil dan takutnya pasti

kerana Engkau pasti jemput kami

Innalillahi wa inna ilaihi rajiun

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cuba sebut ‘innalillahi wa inna ilaihi raji’un’ (Al-Baqarah: 156)

cuba sambung ayat selepas (Al-Baqarah:157)

cuba lah, ambik Qur’an buka baca ayat tu.

kalau rasa2 diri dibenci orang, dihina orang, dianaktirikan manusia, dihamba-firaunkan.

bacalah, ‘innalillahi wa inna ilaihi raji’un’

suruh kerja keras tidak mahu

sepotong ayat sampai bila2 pun akan dibahaskan dan dihukum

bila dah berilmu dan berjaya, sombong pula

bila tak berilmu, masih juga ada sombongnya

dikata tak kenang budi, kita pula yang disalahkan

orang kita, sentiasanya lah akan menyalahkan orang lain dan bukan diri sendiri.

Cuba faham: Innalillahi wa inna ilaiHi raji’un.

An ode to my alter ego

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2015/01/img_7724.jpg

An ode to my alter ego
A character of my fantasy
When fantasy was the only reality
When i was hurt and searching for me
When i was alone and in love
When i was weak and faithful
When i was strong and humble

An ode to this alter ego
A representative when no me was portrayed
An art is someone’s dream
A yearning in my eyes and imagination
An image of near modest beauty and strength
An archer in black beauty
An archer in firm softness
For that was what i was in search for

An ode to my alter ego
For forever being in my image
For forever a picture of me
For being a part of me without a second thought
So ingrained you have become a me

An ode to my alter ego
For it is hard to say goodbye
For somewhere you will be a twin of me
For sometime people do not understand
For the reason of not knowing me at all
But you is me
Just…a picture for me

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Disclaimer: for a long time i tried to search again the graphic artist of this picture. I remembered finding it in deviantart and instantly fell in love with it but the website has since grown and have so much artists and pictures it became impossible. It must have been more than ten years already i had this picture with me. I wanted to thank the graphic artist for this beautiful image and hope he or she continues to dream and create.

good night 2014

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good night
good night twentyforteen
what a year it has been

a personal test
always trying
always searching
always finding
a sense of fulfilment

a personal test
always trying
always searching
always finding
a sense of balance

a personal test
always trying
always searching
always finding
a sense of being

a personal test
of emotions and values
of what i know is right
and what i know is wrong

a personal test
of what i should have said
of what i should have done
of what i could have done

a personal test
of who i am
of who i have become
of who i will be

please, let’s just be

good night
good night 2014
what a year it has been