turning.30

my deep reflections, thoughts and emotions, physical, mental and spiritual i am experiencing moving towards the change of age. a milestone. turning 30.

mediocre

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a long overdue post.

i promised myself to write more consistently and i didn’t.

i am supposed to be reading my class’ articles, having missed one class, but i ended up reading a local short stories or collection of poems, finished it, and felt inclined to write a short review on it. it is past my bedtime. i wanted to write something. maybe its the tea i just drank. i should be sleeping because i aim for an early start at work after a week’s absence.

give myself 5 more minutes to do this.

mediocre.

it is word that has been nagging me these few weeks. i feel like what i have been doing thus far, all the milestones i have gone through the years…it felt mediocre.

perhaps it’s the vast plain of ice and snow. perhaps its the age. i used to wonder if i ever made the right choice doing what im doing. i don’t think like that anymore. it’s more of you pretty much choose to do what you do, now is to just plough through and just make sure you do the best, regardless of the result or incentive.

and this is where i wonder if i am really doing my best? have i done or given my best all these years? and it seems like there is something more, a small void, searching to do something worthwhile. what is it? i don’t know.

there are so many things i wanted to do but have not. or did/doing but not doing much. for example, for the longest time i have wanted to pursue archery. i wanted to be good at it. i wanted to make it part of my routine maybe. but i never get to do it till now. or the time when i thought i found my ‘artistic’ call in scrapbooking and then realise it is quite an expensive hobby, and had to slow down a bit. i mean, i could have been a scrapbook-gram star, but i didn’t or couldn’t.

and now there’s a lingering thought of finding a cause to champion or volunteer or organise something but i havent give much thought on what i want to do.

i guess every thing happens at the right time. i like to think that my priority is different at certain ages and what or who needs my attention. i have always believed God leads the way, there’s no reason to steer away from that path now.

i just wish or pray that i can be true to myself. and that it’s ok to show the world a little bit of who i am, what i can do, and what i can achieve.

storage wars

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hubby and i watched this docu-tainment series Storage Wars sometimes. it used to be in history channel (?) and now its available on Netflix.

it’s about a couple of buyers who go for store rooms auctions. The highest bidder on a store room, will get to own whatever items there are in the rooms. and then most of the time, they re-sell the items at their vintage/thrift/ pawnshops.

i mean they have interesting characters for the drama. there were lucky bids where they bought a room and found the items to be worth for re-sell or upcycle. sometimes they could amount to thousands of dollars if you really really get lucky.

but what i wanted to talk about in relation to this is… the store rooms are supposed to belong to someone else, who for whatever reasons, could be death or something, they ‘released’ the stores. and amazingly, there are sooo many of these released stores that they could have many seasons of Storage Wars (and there’s few versions of them across the US).

technically the teams who bid for the store rooms are like what local term ‘karung guni’. they literally picked through the items, and only take away those they think are worth some money and practically throw away whatever they don’t want (or rather won’t sell)!

and then i started talking about it with hubby. like how much junk can one person have in their life?? like why would they store away all these unwanted stuffs?? and pretty much left to other people to deal with their garbage (or treasures for some). surely after the bidders go through their items, they pretty much throw away maybe 70-90% of the stuffs they find?!

until i look around our own small room and see the amount of stuff i myself have. humongous number of stuffs. i feel bad for my hubby, somehow, lol. i got married to him and take all his space and it becomes my space. haha. and he tolerated all these things. like the two huge full bookshelves we shoved into our room! we have a big wardrobe and i think i filled up 3/4 of the space, because i have my shawls, my jubahs, my baju kurungs, my casual attires and then my home shirts and pants. he pretty much have about 10 shirts and 10 jeans he bought a one go and use them over and over again until they get worn out. something like that. he has many other shirts and pants he doesnt like and doesnt wear. just stored somewhere.

no matter how much we go through our things and throw them away. we still ended up with so many things still! enough ranting.

i began to realise…. that i do not want my hubby or any of my family members having to deal with my stuffs, if only God knows, i left this world…whenever that is. i really do.

so i guess im going to make it a mini personal mission to slowly get rid, give away, sell away some items, use up whatever i already have, upcycle what i can. and only make small purchases for things i will really really use. so even if anything happens, we can all have peace of mind, don’t we.

ok. let’s do this!

a student again

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this is it.

you know how when we were younger, perhaps back when teenage hood has gotten the better of us and we start to dream and write goals or aims. or simply what we want to be when-we-grow-up. I’m not really that kind of person. i never knew what i wanted to be. it swayed from being a:

i. police officer (although i know i would chicken out at the sight of blood…already medicine line is nowhere touchable)

ii. teacher (probably what everyone wanted to be at that time especially when you admire a teacher, but i don’t know what i will be teaching because i don’t excel in any particular subject especially not Arabic although that would have been cool if i had mastered it back then)

iii. a writer because i did enjoy writing. for every teenage angst, there’s always that period of writing poems as a form-to-express-yourself. i remembered having exercise books writing ‘novels’ of unrequited love. lol.

and then somewhere along that period of uncertainty, i did part time at a community library and that was love love love. absolutely. i think i enjoyed work more than school then. and for the longest time now, when work became too overwhelming, i sometimes wonder why don’t i just go back to be surrounded by shelves and books.

perhaps. if i had been simple minded and wasn’t thinking of getting a degree, i would have been a librarian. and perhaps life would be very different now.

then the term ‘comparative religion’ caught my eye. i didn’t know when or how it happened. it was just that, maybe, i started to hear my seniors back then flying off to study and you got inspired and say wow!! cool!! go to Uni! and this utopian world called International Islamic University Malaysia seems to be THE place to go. destiny seemed to have paved some way for this i-don’t-know-what-i-want-to-be me. i almost decided, then, to be a comparative religion expert, maybe go all the way take masters and even PhD. be an academician, a researcher, anything to continue to indulge in my second love. i loved the world of reading, of finding out the unknown, of writing and making sense of my thoughts, of trying to understand why people believe.

enough reminisce. i succeed. i graduated. i was grateful for being had the chance to experience one of the most memorable 3 years of my otherwise normal introvert life. i went to work. (although that was another story to tell…) and then continued to work, doing perhaps item i, ii & iii thrown in altogether, if you think about it.

but nothing to do with my two loves. except i always known that i want to continue studying.

so while at a crossroads, and searching for my self (it’s a thirties thing—> turning.30) and what is it i want to do with life, when i think life is not going my way and why do i burdened myself with other people’s expectations. i somehow made myself submit an application to do Masters.

the first time i submitted, i got accepted. it was a nice surprise. but then i got sidetracked by the fees and thought i was not ready to do it. i did not accept the offer. although comforted in the knowledge that i am still qualified to do a Masters study.

the second time i submitted. i was not sure they would accept me. i leave it to Him. and that big orange envelope came again. i told myself i had to accept this. surely they will not accept me if i rejected this again and then submit another application the next year or something. it is now or never. just dive in and do it already! just do it for myself! after 11 years of slogging, take it as ‘rewarding’ myself! just do it and think of the consequences later. i am financially fine. i took that as a sign.

this is it. i am happy to call myself a STUDENT again.

a MASTERS student. in a third love – education.

who knew dreams could continue after 11 years?

ps: to commemorate this, i created another category for my masters journey. as per ‘tradition,’ it’s usually the song titles from fave bands. some of these had been from Muse, The Used, Finch.

<guiding.light> by Muse. welcome to Seri Studying Again.

keep love

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every full one weekend day is precious to me. I’m sorry if i have been repeating this, but it is true. however, this time around, even with the full knowledge of my work running faster than i can handle, i will learn to let go and that things will go fine and smooth even with my absence. i think it can. i believe they can.

with the foolhardy decision to continue studies and at the same time having additional portfolio to look into and dive in on-the-job learning, i have me and a family to care for as well. if i use to give 100% to work, nowadays i need to divide it properly to give myself some sanity. because 5 years down the road, i am turning the big 4, age is catching up, body is slowing down and if i think i still have that chance, now is the time isn’t it?

the plan is to slice the cake evenly so everyone has a role to play. without me losing it.

the focus for the year is my studies, since its hard-earned money to pay it off, i should at least make full use and focus on it as i had never done before. and focus on my bigbabyboy. it has always been him caring, providing and protecting me. it always feel like he did more for me than i do for him. could i perhaps show more love and care by being more present for his needs. we can pull this through together. chilling at home just the two of us seems even more precious now.

luluh

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hi. i am surprised at myself sometimes, for always coming back here. like an exboyfriend you don’t really got over with. if it feels like that, i wouldnt know actually. the only real boyfriend i had is my husband now. *hearts*

it’s 8 years now. sometimes i still feel we’re like just 2-3 years into the marriage. time just passed by. age is catching up. we recreated our wedding songlist on spotify (also because we happened to volunteer to find songs for my sister’s wedding and let her choose her faves). and chanced upon some malaysian indie bands, some of which had been some forgotten faves, and then realised we love these same bands! see what 8 years made us into?! a makcik and pakcik couple into rock indie bands! i guess there are things you never knew about your partner and found out along the way.

i told him if i had met him some 10 years ago and knew he was into these bands, i would have fallen in love with him head over heels, as they put it. no turning back. haha. it’s a few weeks since our 8th year anniversary already but we still have these playlists on replay.

no matter. we are still in love very much this year (and for many many years to come), what’s with the three weddings we had back to back in the Kayat family.

anyway, i have this habit of song love spurts that makes me want to hear the song on repeat at a time, depending on the mood and whatever it is i’m facing at the moment, sometimes it’s just the music, the rhythm. but somehow this one particular grabbed my attention for the moment. maybe some euphoric unconscious familiarity that touched the mind and heart. this song makes my heart sank, really.

for my listening pleasure.

Ku telah hilang segala arah dan tujuan hidup ku.
Ku tak punya apa.
Ku mahu kau hadir berikan ku petunjuk.
Jangan biar ku hanyut
Luluh tanpa dikesan
Jangan biar ku terus
Hilang dalam sesalan

tiptoeing virtually

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i quit twitter.

i almost quit instagram.

i had loved twitter. i followed so many unknown people for the love of Charmed. i followed news. i followed some close friends and acquaintances whom i thought i could fully trust. and then i used twitter to complain or lamented about whatever it was that was disturbing me. it was full of sadness and/or anger. and then i went through a phase where i do not want to know about what other people are feeling or thinking or facing. because it adds on to whatever sadness or anger i am feeling. it was full of negativity and disappointment. i had issues with other people’s tweets. i had issues with my tweets! i feel like i couldnt care less what people are facing anymore. through twitter. i was being hateful.

it took much contemplation to decide to click that button. i had loved that little blue bird! and then i did it. i still have a few more days left should i want to reactivate it, that i have not decided yet.

it felt quite liberating to not know alot. and i am still healing from this hatefulness. it was not easy.

there’s instagram. i loved it too much. i loved all these bright bookstagram accounts, beautiful crafters and scrapbookers and fantastic photos from travellers. but then it also had too much products advertisements and influencers. i followed models, those hijabistas, and celebrities when i dont really care what happened to them and brands for aesthetic and artistic reasons, knowing much that i couldnt afford any of them.

and then suddenly i feel i had enough. i don’t want to know what happened to their lives. i don’t care what they cook or what they eat or where they go. for a while there, i had a green monster creeping out of me when i see other people’s lives. or it was just too much social extrovertness that i could not handle it. i was conflicted. deeply. i just want to crawl myself into some dark tunnel and block them all out.

in all honesty i had contemplated about quitting instagram since early this year. i didnt want to post photos anymore. not even for my peru trip. and then all those chaosness happpened during the trip, made it more heavy for me to post anything. i posted them for the sake of my family. i did not post any in facebook.

anyway. these days. i contemplated. talked to a few friends and my sisters about it. my sisters supported deactivation but a friend thought i should not allow other people control my thoughts and feelings.

so i have been unfollowing many accounts i dont really care like celebrities who kept on posting ootds and nothing but just their faces day in day out. brands that don’t give function to my life, or brands that successfully made me shop incessantly when really, i have too many things already. influencers that i can never and will never be able to appreciate because, honestly i really don’t care what they wear and what happened in their lives. individuals i could not relate to and i dont even know why i follow them in the first place. IG businesses i never buy from. it was a slow process because i follow like a thousand accounts. i havent go through the followers i had. that’s another filter because i had my account on public for a while back then.

because i think i shouldnt blame other people for my own issues. i kept my instagram account. but i forced discipline on myself. minimise scrolling through it. wasnt easy. you know that itch of wanting to open that app. the struggle was real.

work had been helpful though. sometimes i go through the day without opening the app. and because of this neck strain i have been having, i stopped walking and going through my phone at the same time, because of all that looking down and being unaware of the surroundings. only when i reached home, do i sit and have a bit of leisure scrolling but not for long. i am still not that into instagram at the moment.

it’s tiring having to keep up with people. i just need to lay low and tiptoe through the virtual world. i think everyone has the right to move away from social media when they think they have had enough. when whatever that they see don’t give meaning or happiness. or when they are just going through some heart or soul cleansing, finding their way through the values they think they hold to.

perhaps this is just me going through my conflicting thirties. like just when you think you know your self, you realised or discovered some dormant emotion or struggle that surprised you and left you scrambling ‘hey, how do i deal with this?!’

so, pardon me. i will step away for a while.

from pain comes strength

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it had been a difficult week.

especially when you realised being good is not good enough. or perhaps what i perceive as doing the right thing, turned out to be not accepted? hated? became a topic to be talked about behind my back? when all i see, is goodness in others. (i have said it times and again, this is my curse, really) and that i have never, in my blase redundant life, expected them to be that way?

i have never, also, believe everyone is perfect. not my self for that matter. whenever something is not right, instead of pointing fingers or blaming others, i tend to ask myself where did i go wrong? was i suppose to do it differently or was there a way that it could be done right? i never really think that perhaps some other people might be in the wrong. unless someone i respected and trusted pointed out to me, that, see Seri, it is not your fault, he or she really made this mistake or in the wrong. learn to accept it and move on. and there have been one or two person who can tell me that. really just a few actually. like a colleague and the other my best babe. my sisters and brothers. and my amazing husband, mainly because he’s a high level manager in a huge international company. the people i dealt with are chicken pea compared to the types of people he work with (which means, multi cultural, multilingual, diverse race​ and religion). and they will point out if im wrong too, or where i could have done better.

i have never been a people person too. i have embraced that it is an introvert thing. i am perfectly fine doing things on my own and a colleague used to say, along the line: when i’m doing my work, i’m in my zone. and yes, sometimes it’s like that, i just stayed too focused on something and everybody else is in a different space, until, some distraction happened or my stomach starts to rumble, and then wham, oh hey everybody else.

but not everyone is like me. i’m a social animal who can thrive without being too social. but people could think that i don’t care? or worst, people could think im just stupid, because i seem to not know anything due to my nature of not kaypoh or keen enough. and i guess there are people like that, who thinks they could ‘play’ me out, taken for granted because i act like i don’t know. most of the times, i really don’t know, but Allah, SubhanAllah, has never left me in the ditch, literally. there’s always a gut feeling, the sudden change in my reaction (that i cant control), or something or someone just came up out of nowhere. i never have to dig or be kaypoh enough to find out.

i believe all that is good takes time. i don’t want to live a life where i am constantly thinking if someone talked bad about me, or always in suspicion of one another, because i don’t think we can work, live, breathe like that. constantly blaming others for any mishappens, constantly thinking everyone else is wrong, everyone else is to be blamed. constantly in vengeance, feeling victimised. constantly weighing, this is my job, this is your job im not doing it because it is not my job or i am not paid for it. and i think the worst kind of people, are those who always think they are right or too ‘high’ that they cannot do menial work or be with some people. i do not want to be someone who cannot accept my mistakes, because by thinking too highly of myself, i am putting myself at the lowest. because at the end, Allah is the Most High and All-Knowing. but that does not mean anyone else can blame me and think highly of their ownselves.

i am not that person. i will never be that person.

after days of fighting with my emotions and this is human nature, but by working one self out and understanding where this anger, sadness, disappointment comes from, and from having amazing people around to talk to. i am slowly clearing my thoughts and cleansing my heart, and hopefully be able to see things clearly for what or who they really are. in the meantime, i take myself out from all that is bringing this heart pain, and believe me, it is so painful but i will still see the goodness in everyone else. and perhaps there’s the beauty of it.

today will be interesting

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for close to 8 years now. my life has been day in day out, just pretty much me= home=work. 365 days a year.

except for when we get to travel for about 3 weeks max. my travels have always been about landscape, nature, mountains, sunrays, the seas and vast lands. i love them. every single travels i have had the fortune of experiencing. and then life is pretty amazing and interesting.

but i cannot have the luxury of this travelling lifestyle bloggish kind of life. and then life gets pretty routined. work and work. weekdays and weekends. and work took away my energy, sanity and moments.

i am grateful for having a job. i am grateful that my job isnt like any other jobs. that for one thing, it took me only 15 mins to and fro.
but it still is, a rush up the corporate ladder, i am expected to do things and expected to do well in them, alas i would be called as a ‘passive worker’ kind of person. there still is, brutal office politics and that subtle ghost of an ego trying to prove oneself is better than the other. it gets very overwhelming actually. my heart is made of glass. *roll-eyes*

i have always need affirmations. since teenage angst days. i even had a notebook which is dedicated to me writing affirmations. at one point, i think i had ‘i will be happy’ affirmations written on several pages. i have always been a moody quiet kind of person. i had to write to myself to be happy. one of the things i’ve always thought i am weird about, could still be, until i discovered the term ‘introvert’ and that chirpiness and too much talking is not in my dna. but i can still be happy. lol.

anyway, i have come up with a new affirmation. at age 2 months away from ehem35ehem.

today, i will choose joy and it will be an interesting day

i want to spark joy and positivity because i needed it myself. i want to see things in new perspectives and learn new things which i can apply and share a knowledge with others. i want to have that spark of life and smile genuinely. and if it’s going to be my last days of work, it is going to be the best days of work.

super ladies

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i rarely take selfies, and not always the first to take photos of myself. someone else always initiates a group photo. never me. but there are few instances where i feel like i need to capture a person or moment i want to remember. and when i offer myself and i actually want to take a photo with a person, it is usually to remember the feelings or thoughts i had at that moment.

like today, for instance. i was in the same room with two ladies i was always in awe of. we were attending a meeting and the two ladies seated in the front row, as leaders. and i kept telling myself, the two of them at the same place and time, i need to take a photo with them. need. yes. an opportunity as this dont always come by.

at the end of the meeting, i took up enough courage to get a friend to help me out. and i was happy.

one was my principal. well, she was my principal during my school years. i don’t remember having nice memories of her actually, well, simply because she was a strict principal, her loud voice and gave stern face was all she need to do to make any of us girls trembled in fear. i remembered though, mornings i had to be early to clean her office. i was a shy and quiet student. i don’t start conversations but i think, we thrived in those silent mornings. i was clearly not a great student, i scraped by, i survived just by trying to do and be my best in school.

but somehow, i looked up to her and respected her. i think she is an epitome of a strong lady who had to face head on all the, i am sure, difficult challenges of being the only female principal in a pre-dominantly leadership role usually occupied by men. but she never faltered, the way i see it. she was the principal and she was also teaching the upper classes. getting an A in her GP class was rare but having gotten one for an essay, gosh, that truly felt like a trophy and i treasured that essay. funnily though, that essay was based on my teen obsession towards Roswell (the drama series) and a short span interest on aliens. i don’t even remember why i thought aliens are relevant then. but perhaps that essay was full of passion and vigor, i nailed it. so anyway, when many of my classmates had a bit of resentment towards her, which i do not understand why, i have nothing but respect.

the other lady, was someone i met in my career life. i attended her trainings, and was intrigued by the NLP she introduced to us. i followed her classes then. i can say she inspired me in many ways, although i can never be like her. too much energy and optimism, lol. but still, she taught us many useful things in the course of my work and she ignited us with her passion and positivity. i have not met her for quite a while now. and as God has it, she is now the current principal of my alma mater. the turn of events, they say. such a small world.

now that i think about it, these two power ladies shaped me into who i am today. may it be small or big influence, and i still looked up to them for inspiration, for a glimpse of motivation to keep moving on. wasn’t easy, this.

i looked up to many ladies, as role models. these are my mentors. there are others i felt i owed them my success. they do. they have different personalities and ways of doing their work, i picked up these pieces of inspiration and hoped that i can be as successful as them, if not better.

how far can i go, then?

life pendulum

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in my line of work, family and friends are sometimes surprised when i say ‘oh i have so many meetings this week,’ ‘i have due dates to rush for.’ and then i either try explaining to them what i do, for the past 7-8 years now, or i just say ‘yah it’s just, you know, work’. perhaps the idea of working at a mosque, is still pretty much sit and…..do…nothing? someone should come up with a series of life of a mosque worker.

oh my god, did i just come up with a brilliant idea? 😛

my and my ideas.

i have been reading books on trying to find myself, like for the umpteenth time, and found some answers or ‘advices’ which pretty much knock some senses. like “How To Be Everything” by Emilie Wapnick, which really resonates with me, gives me a lot to think about and practical exercises to go about and ‘find my way’, and then there’s Kikki K’s The Life Plan by Shannah Kennedy, which, by right, i bought it because it looks like a pretty book, honestly, and (by left) quite useful too in some ways: finding your life values, time management, etc.

and recently, When to Jump by Mike Lewis. No book gave me straight answers, but i am devouring them with the knowledge that these are all signs. this current book in particular screams ‘passion’ ‘mission’ ‘calling’ ‘what am i afraid of?’ what’s the worst that can happen?’ and ‘

what do you believe in?

‘

(Sidetrack: i’m either a clingy mothercat or just lack of love, haha, i find love in the very fact that my Kechik roams around the house, and always come back to me..like, now im blogging, i thought she’s somewhere around the house. when i turned around, she’s actually laying napping behind me. she shadows me around the house….i’ll play around go anywhere i want, but still come back to mommy. heart-eyed. lol)

anyway, back to what i was saying… i look around me…sink in all these experiences, these meetings, be open to receiving it all again, perhaps, a glow of fire re-ignite somewhere. but the life vane (wind vane, get it?) is not pointing to a straight direction. it moves a lot. stopping at a time at one direction and then it changes pointing to a different possibility. but one thing i know, it changes this year. a little pendulum tells it so. what is it though?