after a couple of years contemplating and fighting with the demons, or maybe for the lack of a better word, procrastinating. I had the desperate need to do the timeline therapy which i had learnt sometime in 2014. I do not know why. I think it was just the self wasnt ready to find the truth? to face the truth? and if i don’t face it, i cannot move on. literally move on.

for many days, i relooked into my nlp textbooks, trying to recall and rereading the dialogues, went through legit youtube videos on it. i always had trouble visualizing the timeline where you had to float back and up to the past and back again to the future. and i realized its really is trusting your unconscious mind to do the ‘job’. i still remember asking my trainer how do i ‘imagine’ it going back and forth and it was really because i think too much, she said literally that, don’t think too much. and then i asked myself how do i separate the thinking from the unconscious?! there’s really no need to ask.

but i did ‘train’ myself to find that unconscious zone doing countless practising with my pendulum.

and then just one night, after doing revision, i felt this is it, i have to do it now. release the emotions. pictured my trainers in my mind, like asking permission, and ‘just do it’. i had released anger during my training, but somehow, i thought i could do it again and then move on to sadness, fear, hurt, guilt. did the anger few times though, because i wasnt sure i was doing it right. doing on your own anyway, so i was like closing my eyes and then relooking at the dialogues, but it can be done. with eyes open, yes it can. its not the vision we are looking for, its the unconscious. somewhere between practices, i think im doing it all wrong. again, the thinking. but once i got the ‘flow’ i was sure of doing it. and really, for being not ‘thinking too much’ during the whole process, my unconscious ‘helped’ me move and put me where i am supposed to be, i am a visual person and its always i need to see it or picture it right with the details, but i let go and the ‘pictures’ were not perfect, but it was shaped by the UM and i just follow it.

the answers or memories i received were ‘weird’ it doesnt make sense really, and even now, i may not be able to describe them to you what i saw, and also made that ‘mistake’ of not writing them down after every timeline because i was from one emotion to another as i didnt want to lose that unconscious authority i was having at the moment.

but briefly, the anger brought me to a different time from when i had that anger released the first time, i do not know whether that can happen. i had a different lifetime when i first tried it, but this time around i was brought to a childhood time, different types of anger, maybe? but i did remember that moment clearly. very clear.

there was one within two months in the womb for sadness, and how do you picture yourself in the womb then? i didnt, my unconscious gave me a picture of my younger mom feeling sad and i knew i wasnt allowed to question what’s happening at this point of time but what is it foetus me were going through. when i came back to the now, i had the urge to ask my mother what happened then, but i didnt because what i learned then it was an emotion i shared with my mom through our umbilical cord on whatever she is facing at that moment, it wasnt mine. it was hers, perhaps too personal for her too. maybe one day a story might revealed from her. i got to trust my UM.

fear brought to a 3 lifetime and it was a ghostly experience. i was like s*** why did this happened? i cant face it man! but i learnt it was not something i could control eh. actually felt the hairs standing a bit in that situation. i was like s*** get this over with. Trust Allah. it get spiritual ayy.. quickly came back. i had to phewwww that moment out. please know i was doing all this at night, i was alone in a different room, hubby was sleeping already. but there was no more fear. still it doesnt mean im cocky and smug now. they exist that’s all.

hurt was hurtful. it was lifetimes away, i was hurt in an abusive manner. how? i dont know. i cant see who hurt me, but i saw a me lying crying full of hurt. wow. i came back feeling a bit numb, but it was not to find answers, lifetimes away. i just touched my heart and comforting myself. but i learnt that hurt feeling was the one thing i wasnt able to face. i was fearful of getting hurt. it had always been at the back of my mind. perhaps with the release of fear, i was able to face that hurt.

had to break state like really break state. took a drink read a book before moving on to guilt.

guilt was hard. it wasnt difficult to find that emotion, it was what i had been feeling for so long now. and the past, there were many guilts along the way, i kept on floating further back to the past. i couldnt picture them all. but the final pic was pretty clear to me. i was walking away leaving someone behind and there was so much guilt there. i dont why or who of course, i was just surrounded by trees and remembering just standing there in the middle of ‘nowhere’ saying over and over again ‘im sorry i had to go’, couldnt even begin to look back to who it was i was leaving. the emotion was there. not looking back was the trigger. but i told this me, the learning process, i did what i think was right at that moment and that person might had let you go. i had that small inkling it was to save that person, whoever i was leaving. cant change the past. it happened.

break state. test state.

it was exhausting. i just sat here reviewing all that i went through. or rather the me of different lifetimes whoever me was then. just sliding back in my seat. staring into space for awhile. saying thank me UM. and wondering why didnt i do this much earlier. really Seri.

but i had one the most sound sleep i had that night. woke up feeling light. i can face anything. there’s so much hardwork and difficult times, but i know i can face it and face the consequences if there is, with an open heart. there’s no heavy feeling. just monitor the emotions from now on. and heal me. but it wasnt dreading. it was uplifting.

i guess i did alright with the timeline.