turning.30

my deep reflections, thoughts and emotions, physical, mental and spiritual i am experiencing moving towards the change of age. a milestone. turning 30.

reading realisation

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I realised something about myself today.

I realised that reading for me, is not just a form of hobby or ‘just reading’

it’s almost like a ritual or some spiritual thing that links back to what my brain or body needs. whether it’s emotional or intellectual.

I am currently reading Forty rules of Love, it should be a good book and I have been anticipating so much in reading it, but somehow it doesn’t grip my attention as much as I thought it would be. there is no real desire to read and find out more about the story, it doesn’t make me feel like I cannot stop reading, it doesn’t make me dream about reading it. it could be because of the theme of the story which revolves around a woman who is going through a midlife crisis, so it could be that I could not relate to the story so much. but I was looking forward to the sufi themes of the story, but somehow, it doesn’t gives me that inspiration so much.

I am at 36% reading through it but I decided I need to stop. I don’t enjoy reading it at this moment and I know it could be a book I want to love but right now, I cannot continue because it is not something I need. I need to move on and take a book and enjoy reading.

and somehow, I am dreaming of reading Purification of the Heart. this is another thing I just realised as well. I have had this book for so long and had not yet had a desire to read it but somehow, now, I yearn to read it. it must have something to do with my unconscious mind, or simply, my SELF. this inner self or something. like I would rush home right now just to read that book. it could also be that I have, earlier sometime ago,  put the intention to read it and this is the right time to read.

in any case, this pretty much how it is when it comes to reading. I have many books at home to read, but there will always be a ‘right time’ to read each and every one of them. from the feel of it, touching the cover and its pages, the smell of it, the sound of reading it, it all plays into the joy of reading. I just didn’t realise before that ‘time’ could be a factor as well.

just like Haruki Murakami’s 1Q84, I had it for since two years ago? but I only picked it up last year and was so engrossed in reading it I couldn’t stop. even a trip to Santorini couldn’t make me stop from reading it.

purification of the heart it is. starting tonight.

sugar free

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hubbyLove is back safe and sound. alhamdulillah. my hubby is one of the most reserved and shy person i have known but at times he could forget where he is standing and could even portray public display of affection. like a hug and kiss on the lips after being away from me for four days. at times like this, i feel like the shy girlfriend whose heart beats with anticipation for the boyfriend returning home. blushing and smiling to receive the boyfriend. haha.

it is March already. Already?! i feel like i have not stop rushing through the days.

but i finally learnt to let go today. it is a sunday and i had a clear mind and not worry about work. sometimes i am still teased by the thoughts of quitting and had enough of these constant anxiety and busy-ness and managing expectations from every corner of my life. ideal would be to work lesser hours, and take care of both homes, one which require me to care for my parents. but since i may not have that chance yet, i am trying to make do with whatever time i have and have the best of both worlds.

this month, the plan is to cook for lunch and dinner. lunch meaning something which hubbyLove can bring to work because he’s been skipping lunch a few times already. so i am now researching by the day how to make this happen. one thing for sure is to wake up much earlier and prepare them fast because hubbyLove goes off at 6.30am. i have set my mind on this and i will do it.

i have also set my mind to have a sugar free month this March. i know it already sound hard and i dont know how i will do after a few days. but something clicked in my brain the past few days and i have declaring in my diary that i had my last teh ais and my last iced lemon tea. i want to see if i could finally live without these two fave drinks of all in my whole life. i wanted to go ‘slow’ and perhaps have a one sweet drink per day. and then move on to have totally sugar free days soon. let’s see how it goes this first week of March.

and yes, ‘i am in training for kinabalu’, so even if i work a whole 8 hours a day, i am going to make it happen. start with small exercises, have more walks perhaps, cycle more hopefully and perhaps finally take up running one of these days. i will do it.

and all these in addition to my habits tracking. i have a lot to accomplish.

write it down Seri. it made more sense.

Sugar free days here i come!

quarter year

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my quarter year resolution:
1. cook better meals for husband (let’s bring out the nigella in me haha)
2. exercise/train as though i am preparing for a kinabalu hike (Everest next time, let’s start ‘small’)
3. follow through the habits

in addition to my:
1. borrow more instead of buying books
2. be less serious

see, i do remember my resolutions.

embrace, me

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a proper blog this time. after a few simple book reviews and a poem at that. who would have thought. in the middle of the night, i was disturbed by a comment and i came up with a whole poem.

you know how you think you know yourself and anything that is related to your likes and dislikes and perhaps learnt of or heard of something but it sort of takes a while, a long while sometimes, to finally ‘digest’ that information or a word becomes more meaningful in a eureka moment?

well i have been having some these days. realisations and a sudden embrace of an idea, a surprisingly wholesome feeling in my heart and my mind. perhaps, my unconscious mind is awaken more these days. whats with that ‘powerful’ swings of my pendulum, when it used to be only politely telling a yes or a no. i guess it is. practice do makes perfect.

anyway.

bibliophile. i know. its a word i should have read and heard of before. and i did. but only now i feel like i can actually relate to this word. that it suddenly brings a new meaning to me. to describing me. an amateur but you have to start somewhere. my only regret. my twins at st clare’s hardback collection, which my parents bought for me during my enid blyton days, which somehow was either given away or thrown away, well, i found out it costs more than USD100 for the whole set and it can go more if bought as a whole. i suddenly realise books are valuable and their value do increase. i could have been an owner of a ‘priceless’ sets of books. not that i would ever sell them away.

i bought a new paperback sets of my beloved storybooks, and it doesnt feel the same. it doesnt. and i will continue to search for a publication suitable to the beautiful memories i had from reading them and that childhood simple satisfaction from reading. beautiful.

librarian. have i said it before i loved being a librarian once and it will forever be my favourite job? i think i have said them many times before. i guess i have not grew out of it. that idea still lingers. and i will not be surprised if one day i would just take off and find a librarian job. retirement plan at least, for now. i think libraries will stay strong despite the digital world overcoming the printed world. it will last for as long as it could. because there are still millions of booklovers out there.

comparative religion. my first love and always will. 7 years on after reading it in my alma mater, i still find joy reading about religions, finding out new information or relieving them. but also meaning that it is not about learning other religions, it is also deepening my knowledge about my own religion. i mean i knew about this, but its just a hovering in my mind, but now, it means: action. it means there are so many things about my religion that i want to share with others. late bloomer, as always, Seri.

maybe being 30 means finding something deeper within oneself. understanding and awakening who we really are.

i am ready to embrace, me.

good night 2014

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good night
good night twentyforteen
what a year it has been

a personal test
always trying
always searching
always finding
a sense of fulfilment

a personal test
always trying
always searching
always finding
a sense of balance

a personal test
always trying
always searching
always finding
a sense of being

a personal test
of emotions and values
of what i know is right
and what i know is wrong

a personal test
of what i should have said
of what i should have done
of what i could have done

a personal test
of who i am
of who i have become
of who i will be

please, let’s just be

good night
good night 2014
what a year it has been

the weird sisters

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The Weird SistersThe Weird Sisters by Eleanor Brown
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

not a literary wow but it was nice to read something light and simple. a family good feel kind of story. i like the characters sisters and the narration makes me feel like i am really reading out loud their story.

View all my reviews

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i am drawn to this book simply by its title. i have always liked stories about sisters, even better if its about twins.(of course you would know my head over heels over the Charmed sisters madness) so when i bought this book, no expectations although review wasn’t so well. i am glad i read it, and finish it within three days at that! as per my review, it was not literary wow and it doesnt really have a storyline of mystery or something, it was simply a feel good-happy ending kind of family story. simple and light reading.

but i found i rather liked the characters Rose, Biance and Cordelia. and i could no help sometimes understanding Rose more, being the eldest sister. i rather connected with her character. being the eldest, being there, leading the way, taking care of things and there to hold your back should you fall.

i hope i have been that sister for my sisters. i love them so and we have gotten so close. but marriage kind of bring me a part. i want to be there for them. i want to be their listening ear. i want to be the one they tell secrets too. i miss sleeping with them. i miss talking with them before sleeping. i miss all the annoying things they did like forever making a mess of the room and i ended up cleaning everything again and again.

sisters. love them. cant live without them. there will always be differences among us, we will sometimes hate each other, but at the end of it all. as sisters, we just want the best for each other. and yes, their opinion matters. a lot. and at this age, my sisters are the best friends. and we are not weird. we are charmed 😛

I love you Siti. I love you Nuri.

overspent

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oh God.

i am terribly sleepy now. and it is very rare nowadays for me to actually feel sleepy. i just sleep because i had to. and it was always a ‘disturbed’ kind of sleep, where i woke up in the middle of the night and then had difficulty sleeping again.

i have just spent two evenings sorting out my clothes and bags. there’s a community service centre going to collect them. so it was definitely a good opportunity for me to give away, some unused clothes, shoes, bags and watches that i bought and didnt even wore them.

i finally had one large bag for clothes, one large ikea bag of books, some bags, and another bag filled with watches never worn and bracelets of all colours. i really hope they could give them to those who would actually wear them. and i have got to stop spending. but i was happy packing them away, putting the small items into plastic packages. the stuff all looks brand new, of course, i hadnt had the chance to wear them. the idea was to re-sell them but im really not cut out for business. giving them away makes more sense to me. i honestly love giving gifts!

this spending is really a chronic disease. i think it has something to do with insecurity? some pent up spending energy that i did not get to fulfill? maybe something i really need or wanted which i didnt or couldnt get perhaps?

in any case, the busy-ness i am having the whole of this month will perhaps control me.

i still, by the way, love giving gifts.

unlearnt and relearn

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it took me approximately 15 hours, spread out between two days, to type out two assignments.

and this is considered i am really giving my full attention to the assignment at hand. of course with the occasional facebooking and instagramming and even online shopping!

i am in the midst of my very last assignment from my counseling special diploma course and then i can truly say i have completed my studies for this year. the thing is i dont seem to have the urge to be the number one in this course. being an adult, so to speak, old, my concern is to, really, just breeze through the classes, learnt the concepts and theories and skills and no exams so much the better. there is definitely no sense of competition, everyone just wants to learn from one another. they don’t even mind if i happen to be an extreme introvert on certain days. i dont like to be forced to speak up or forced to present or being put in the position where i have to be the one doing the presentation, as it always happen back in degree days.

i have to say taking up this course is one of the better choices i made. albeit i am paying the fees purely from my own salary and depleting my savings terribly but i guess, the skills i learnt are very useful in my line of work. although, learning is always easy, putting them into practice is another whole different story. but i guess i like the challenge. and being the pseudo advisor to so many people is not an easy feat to uphold. i put such high expectations on myself i guess. i have to stop that.

anyway, i have many challenges coming up soon. much soon. i pray for health, strength and wisdom in these hard times.

today is the last day of 1435 hijrah year. i would like to have a bit of reflection on that. next post soon. got to get back to my few hundred words left on this last assignment. but i am on a writing mode i guess. i even have a blank word doc ready with a title for a short story. another time.

against If

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Reading Rasul Mulia, Umat Mulia, Akhlak Mulia.
I came to the page where the author talked about the idea of ‘andai’ or ‘if’ in English.

it’s a dangerous thought where we can go towards losing faith and trust to Allah. Astaghfirullah. I may have been guilty of that many times. Those ifs moments. and even few days ago, i was struggling with the idea of ‘what if i dont do anything and regret about it later’.

it is either i do what i think i need to do and leave the trust, TAWAKKAL IllAllah. isnt that what we have always been teaching our students? but of course, if you dont do anything, how then can you put your trust to Allah.

why is it difficult to make a decision Seri. what is it that you want to achieve?

i hope i am clear to myself that i am leaving the decision to Allah and I trust He will take care of my family.
wow. i never know, becoming thirty makes me think alot about my inner self. you really start thinking about your purpose and what is it that you want to achieve. but the need to balance it out with the whole spiritual point of view of it. already i am starting to think that i am going back to those identity-building years and embracing it more because it is just me. but now the decision making is a whole different story. i have always been bad in decisions. i have always turned to God to lead me to what is right for me and believe that whatever i am doing now is at its right place.

and i am going to do just that. Ask for His guidance. no more If. it is either one or the other.

rejabku

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Rejabku penuh sibuk
Rejabku pantas berlalu
Rejabku hanya tugas bertalu
Rejabku jangan hilang begitu

Rejabku penuh pilu
Rejabku terusik qalbu
Rejabku khabar sayu
Rejabku jangan marahkan aku

Rejabku lihat dakwah sana
Rejabku disini dakwahku
Rejabku menanda tanya
Rejabku, apa yang dikejarkan?

Rejabku, luaskan dakwah ku
Rejabku, ikhlaskan ibadah ku
Rejabku, laksanakan amanahku
Rejabku jangan hilang begitu

Allahumma baariklanaa fii Rajab wa Sya’aban, wa ballighnaa fi Ramadhan