turning.30

my deep reflections, thoughts and emotions, physical, mental and spiritual i am experiencing moving towards the change of age. a milestone. turning 30.

past quarterlife crisis

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hi. been busy these days with work and school. i like that..saying ‘work and school.’ like i have a meaningful mission to accomplish.

school has been mild going at the moment although the lecturer has started to remind us about the assignment that we need to do. its been all theories, a reminiscence of theories i have had the fortune to learn back in uni in Intro to Psychology. i was reminded of pavlov and freud and erikson. i enjoyed them. although back then i learnt for the sake of learning and was not inclined to take it up as my second major, i never regretted doing it. i chose sociology instead. again, no regrets, oh except for one, i wished i had the chance to do criminology. that would have sealed the deal. but already deviant behaviour was such an eye opener and depressing. haha.

so back in my specialist diploma class. i was introduced though, to quarterlife crisis and the lecturer invited us to reflect on that. what crisis did we face back when we were 25? i couldnt think of any in class but on the way back home, i thought about it, i guess i cannot say i did not have a quarterlife crisis. everyone has.

my crisis was about choosing a career. i was doing temporary projects at that point of time and i realised my position was in jeopardy because i cannot see myself doing what i was doing. i was thrown from one task to another without specific something to focus on, except for the sudden interest in education and curriculum. i was also teaching part time and quite put my mind and heart into it, up to a point that my parents questioned when was i going to ever spend a proper rest day at home? and then i got thrown into a fulltime job, which was what lead to what i am doing now.

and then there was the matchmake decision i had to do. thrown into knowing a man chosen by my parents and uncles. it was about whether to go for this relationship or to continue leading a single life when week after week i receive invitations to weddings of schoolmates, uni-mates, etc etc.

my crisis was with myself. too shy too boring too quiet too simple, still quite unsure of what to do with my life just yet. just look at my blogposts year 2009. 😉 heck, go straight to January 2009 and see what you get, a questionnaire with song titles. one question: what is your life’s purpose? my answer? =damn regret! (by the red jumpsuit apparatus) fuhh! that’s one for the memory lane!

it was a matter of making decisions. but i cannot say i did not have some achievements that year, no?

i have not regretted my decisions but work is really taking its toll on me.

but with all the odds, i braved myself to claim time off, left whatever pending works and took halfday to spend last thursday with recovering mother, although it was more of her accompanying me to a massage session. which i am really really glad i did. the makcik masseuse ‘untie all knots’ till i am practically bruised. and i understood why so many people have been saying i look tired! my body was really really tired, i have just ignored it. poor body. but it was pampered for a whole two hours. even my mother was relieved i finally made the massage appointment. i am glad to announce this makcik as my personal masseuse. hehe.

and then i spent the whole day friday with my mother and sisters. its been such a long time since we all girls went out together. i truly am happy and grateful we get to do this before my sisters start working and my mother well enough to get back to work. so so glad. i practically splurged on myself and on them. i feel like i was going through a wardrobe overhaul! i really did though i was very happy with the dresses/blouses i bought. i am thirty after all, need to dress well i must say. i loved the day. i wasnt even feeling tired when i had to go straight to class. i just had such a fulfilling day chatting and shopping with them. really we had so much to talk about.

slowly getting over my quarterlife crisis. slowly make the right decision. as of now, i will work my ass off. sorry the pun intended.

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post review: why Quiet affected me

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why Quiet affected me… a lot…

i realized there is nothing wrong with me. why would i say that? because i used to question myself. why can’t i be more friendly? why wasn’t i confident enough to just strike up a conversation? why am i too quiet? why do i retreat to my own shell all the time?

i came across the word introvert when i was much younger and loved using it to describe myself without really understanding what it implies to. i understand it now. i am an introvert. with full knowledge of who i am.

i have known there are people like me but i never get to connect with them and reading Quiet makes me feel like i am connected to all the 1 to every 2 of human beings out there who are introverts. well, except my husband, who is the only other person outside of my own family who is your very male version of an introvert. no wonder i connected to him, despite the age gap and felt that he accepted me wholly. during the get to know each other days, i never felt pressured to be someone i am not. i never felt pressured to always do the talking. we were comfortable with each other’s silences.

i have many things to reflect on the things i found out while reading Quiet.
i thought i was not confident enough when really it is just being me. i was too quiet and not a conversational kind of person, i am not weird in that sense, its just me, because i have always thought of myself as a very boring person. i have been underestimating and degrading myself for being too quiet, too shy, too boring, when if i could just embrace this self as it is, i would have soared more. and if i really embrace this me, i think i can be confident enough to face anything.

gosh, i really thought i was not good enough, i bought books on how to have small talk, for God’s sake! books on being confident, how to make friends because really, i do not know how to be an outgoing person, not friendly enough i guess, because i thought there is something wrong with me. it is not.

as the book mentioned, the world is made for the extroverts. but surprisingly, introverts have made equal success in their own special way. but many introverts had to be pseudo-extroverts because no one tells us otherwise. throughout reading Quiet, many things strike close to heart and i find myself diving into memories of childhood and school, teenage years and even uni years. well, my past was not so bad. it became better with the realization that my actions are true testaments of being an introvert. not because there is something wrong with me.

i am glad i picked up that book and head on read it. already my perspectives on life is more positive, i am more myself without feeling awkward and there is some power in being me. i am close to knowing myself better and better.

this too shall pass part me

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sorry, im on a sugar high after having some sweet red velvet cupcakes.

this too shall pass has always been my favourite one liners. by a sufi poet Fariduddin Attar. The article i shared below was actually taken from a website, khamush.com

i have always loved that story and i would have loved to have it in its original persian language. havent had the time to find that out though.

its the line i used to comfort myself through hard times, and a stubborn reminder every time i fight the urge to get something beyond my budget. I have lived with this say for as long as i can remember.

and particularly today, i am reminded of my love for poems and mystic literature. i think its time to be reunited with this love, look deep into myself and see what ticks. got to visit the library one of these days, or better yet, buy the book from Wardah.

this, too, shall pas…and still is.

yours truly

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finally I did it! after much thought and a bit of research from wordpress blogs, as well as briefly consulting my colleague on whether it is worth it and affordable, I finally did it.

I am officially a domain!
it’s pretty!

I have been toying with the idea of having my own domain for my blog. I guess it’s a logical progression. believe it or not I have been blogging since 2004! and in May 2014, it will finally be my tenth year of blogging. this domain, is like a commemoration of that, although advanced because, well, im a bit richer in December usually. instead of buying stuff, I awarded myself with a domain of my own. 🙂

this means the name ‘livingseri’ has been a part of me for close to a decade already. and it has been the name I have been using everywhere, twitter, instagram, tumblr and blogger. of course, blogger is what brings me to well, blogging. I still love that site, still have my account there just because I do not have the heart to delete all my stories from there.

livingseri has witnessed my happiness and sadness, my struggles and achievements and even mundane daily stuffs. it just feels right to finally ‘owned’ the name in the virtual world. I have connected to this name for so long.

and I hope to do more with my blogging and this page. it has seen me grow. i have always been a diary person, but I stopped writing when I found blogging. I will continue to blog/write, perhaps more seriously now. I am not one to seek attention but if there is something that readers may gain from my blog, I would gladly share, well, its a risk to take. even if there are no readers, it will still be a page I can call my own in the midst of billions of netizens.

one thing need to do now, which may take forever, it to filter through all my posts since May 2004. there may be posts which is better left unpublic. this is all about moving forward and looking to the future with positivity and create memories and lessons learnt. perhaps, it will be a legacy for my children, from the internet generation, a page they can always look back and read through whenever they wish to remember their mummy.

listen

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Subhanallah.

I need to note this down because it is part of this search for myself phase that i am going through.

This morning i picked up the Qur’an. Used to be normal for me but i had to pick up this habit back again after quite awhile. And you know how i have been struggling with this mission:me and all these choices and fights i had between me and…me. So when i opened the book, taking where i left off, and subhanallah. The verse which came to me like a slap on my face. I do not know why and which part of my life but at that instant moment, it was like a wake up call to me. The beauty of the qur’an.

I have always believed in making connections with the AlQuran and always believed in finding answers from it. Always. I thought i have lost that connection but Alhamdulillah, that realisation hits me, that Allah still guides me. This weak servant still receives His mercy.

And the verse…well, that was me.. In times of need, i call up to Him and i will not deny that when i am happy and when things are ok..shameless. Whenever work was bad i asked Him to give me answers and tell me what to do but now i know…why do i seek Him only in times of need? When there are people out there in constant prayings and hoping to be in His mercy…we ask for this and that but we forget the blessings and the ni’mah already in front of us. I want all the goodness in life but i couldnt even give Him five minutes of my time in true prayer. Well, just last week the mufti was talking about the challenge to be khusyu’ in prayers. I wanted so much from God but i couldnt be what i am suppose to be. A humble servant. I feel like i have been doing it wrong all this while. The AlQuran is always like that. You can be reading it khatamulquran so many times but at just the right time and the right need, it just appears to you clearly and knock you on the head. Subhanallah.

Tell me, how many times have you read the verse:
“And when men is affliected by pain, he calls his Lord turning to Him passionately. Thereafter, when He blesses him with some favour from Him, he forgets that for which he was calling Him earlier….Can such people be equal to the one who worships during the hours of night, prostrating himself and standing, fearing the Hereafter and having hopes in his Lord’s mercy? Say can those who know and those who do not know become equal? It is only the people of understanding who receives the advice.” Az-zumar 8-9

And then He comforts me with the next ayat: “Say: o My sevants who believe, fear your Lord. Those who do good deeds in this world will have a good return and the earth of Allah is wide. Certainly those who observe patience will be given their reward in full without measure.” Az-zumar 10

When i came to that, i just had to stop and think about whatever that is going on in my life. Just few days back i was blogging and asking whether i gained rewards for serving the mosque and leaving my husband alone at home and ignoring my family altogether. How can i even question myself??!
Patience seri. Patience. This is the challenge the test that He gave me and i should be truly gratified because this challenge is nothing compared to some many people out there with real difficulties.

And then i was in dilemma of whether to continue doing this and get something else that pays more and then i realise again, patience seri. I have so many things i want to do and pursue. But i need to embrace what is already in front of me and do what is best because His rizq is wide. My time will come. And i will find time. Slowly but surely insya Allah.

He will guide me and my loves.

You know i remember there was a point in my life that i really stop finding and waiting. I really gave my full trust in Him that He knows what is best for me. I just stop looking. I saw people around me getting married one by one or having partners but i just stop having any emotional inclinations. I was going to do what is best for me at that time and it was an employment and making my family happy. I concentrated on that. And then Suhaimi came into the picture. I didnt realise it back then but true, it was that trust and tawakkal if i can put it that way. I didnt ask for love, it came to me. With flaws and all. But it worked. And nothing happened unless He wants it.

The point is. I return to that position. That giving wholly my destiny in life to Him. That true understanding of Him guiding me in this. I feel like tearing putting these thoughts here because i feel like i found my old self.

But its hard work. This journey will continue in contemplation.

One lesson in life at a time.

Thank You.

keep moving on

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i realised one thing about myself this week. it is to keep moving on. keep following through with whatever i had planned to do. follow through with the lifetable i did for myself. just keep moving. because what i noted down in my lifetable included all parts of my life, spiritual, mental, workwise, hobbies and love. except true that hobbies and loves makes up the most time and sometimes juggled between one another. i cannot say i do not have enough rest time because i am making a point to sleep at one timing and wake up at the same timing.

that took a while to understand. i had been doing a sleep cycle observation on my self. i need to sleep by 11. or 11.30 max and always found myself waking up at the sound of the subuh azan which i put on alert from my phone. and it was a good wake up (although not always, still trying to find out what will make me have a good well rested sleep and what doesnt). a deep sleep is all i need which i dont always get. it also means i need 7 hours of sleep to function. or else i wake up feeling like a zombie and take half the day just to perk myself up. recently i am trying to trick my brain and trigger sleepyhead. read a book in bed means sleep. but honestly, sometimes i still toss and turn and ended up playing candy crush or surf aimlessly in singsale or groupon or deal.com to lull me to sleep. and it did help sometimes. you know how your body just went limp and you drop whatever it is you are holding falling asleep.

anyway knowing about yourself is always a work in progress. just few days back the news were on to singaporeans being not having enough sleep. i feel i am not alone ! hehe. but i am determined to make right about this sleeping because it is after all a ni’mah God has given us. sleep well wake up feeling better lead your life smarter and healthier and focus better in your spiritual routine.

back to trying to understand about myself. its the moving on momentum. from one task to another. the brain works better it seems. but a qailullah or a power nap helps in desperate times. when i am so tired doing something, take a break like a drink or watch tv for a few minutes but then continue with the next task.  it is a trick to train the mind and body and dismiss the word lazy from the life dictionary. it is still a trial and error thing for me as of now. but i would like to see how it works.

anyway. this first week of june will be the first full week i am going to use my lifetable. although i planned to take off in lieu tomorrow, i am kind of excited to see how life will turn out tomorrow. i may just take half a day and see how it goes. oh, monday is a lunch out day. 🙂 and relax night afterwork because the other days of the week will be ‘full’ of projects. (which i had procrastinated or did not find time doing or just plain tired).

very apt for 30 hari mencari diri. insya Allah.

remember keyword: just keep moving.

life in a table

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who would have thought. a timetable is all i needed to turn my life around? well not so much a major makeover of life, just to make sense of life, my everyday routine. to find purpose in this life.

i have always been a pen and paper person. i have tried so many free calendar and productivity apps in my iphone or my ipad but in the end, writing them down gives me full sense and satisfaction. (and really really tempted to get that Kikki stationery!) that finally i can really see what have i been doing, what i wanted to do and never gotten round to do it and how to fit in all he things i love doing in 24/7! and i realised how much work i have to do and not done just because i cant fix my time correctly. all the bits and pieces jumbled up and i dont know where to start and you know how you kind of have a worker’s block (something like writer’s block). pretty much my time is all filled up that i almost thought i wont have time for my candy crush! hehe.

what made me do up a timetable? because i really wanted to make a change, and improvement in me and making sure that turning 30 is worth it. and little did i know, once i see my life as it is in words, makes it more fulfilling. and 7 habits workshop doesnt go to waste because of all things, i ended up writing down my tasks in this forgotten 7 habits notebook i got in a workshop few years back.

so i see myself in blocks of time within the day in a week. from morning to late night. put in everything i have done and wanted to do in pockets of time. just everything i can think of about my work, all noted down.

heaved a sigh of relief and i just hope this can last for long. because for this week, i can see i work better nowadays. even in the morning! haha. although the exercise bit takes a bit more time to restart.  but so far…hope this works.

day nil: restart

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i am really feeling the challenge of going through this contemplating me:mission. with all that is happening and my days all haywire, i just pushed all these thoughts and ideas away. it went right through the hole in my mind. forgotten.

last weekend was a short holiday for most people but it wasnt for me. in fact i worked extra long hours for two out of the three days.i dont know if leaving my husband alone at home and not doing my simple responsibility  as a wife, but instead spending two whole days at the mosque and coming back late from work, i dont know whether i am gaining rewards or otherwise?? he let me go, he send, bought breakfast and then he fetched me, he keeps quiet about it, he doesnt eat properly when i am not home and only had dinner when im home… so i really dont know if i get rewards for serving the mosque but leaving my husband home. and not forgetting almost ignoring my parents and siblings altogether. and that family outings were planned according to my time instead of the majority and when things dont go as I planned, i got mad at them.

this is my challenge. or better termed as dugaan in malay.

i used to think my life was quite smooth going, and that things are going fine but i realised it is not. this is my obstacle in life, a challenge a choice which i i find myself always fighting. i still am. inner and outer. everything my mind my body my soul. and unless i make that ultimate choice can i embrace the true me.

and honestly, i am very worried about my physical self. my closest friend advised m to go for a check up, she even gave me her doctor’s contact and i cant even bother to pick up the phone and make a checkup, alasan being i dont have time. it frustrates me.

i do not like having to choose between work and family, but most of the time, i feel my self screaming angrily at me, not knowing whether i make the right choice or not. it has to be a conscious and willing choice. not forced or just because i have to. this needs some thinking.

turning 30 is about knowing what you are and your purpose. i thought i found my passion and i know what i like doing. i know what i want to pursue. in truth, i have many things i know i can do and want to do.

my limitations was confidence and my intelligence. my weakness was once i feel im not good enough, i fell into a black hole and shut myself up. the problem is, i should not feel that i am not good enough because it limits my potential, my thought process and my productivity.

Lord help me.

day 2: fail

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the first day of mencari diri…it started out good, the morning was well spent as planned.

but day 2 was a disappointment. i dont know what happened. but i couldnt follow through. everything was messed up. work was crazy. and it had been these days, whats with family day, checking up logbook remarks. totally messed up and too many things to catch up.

and i am now still busy doing work, lesson planning. yes i still do lesson planning. and then people bugged me with stupid questions. just go through the overview lah.why ask again. macam tolonglah, kenapa tanya kalau benda dah ada depan mata? expect me to remember everything is it? just check the overview lah. ok, there goes. not what i want to achieve in this mission of finding myself.

and the temptation of materials. stop even the idea of owning any. not good at all. dont compare myself with others.

spiritual wise, fail. i wanted to do more than usual. i couldnt and i didnt. shame on me.

day 1 mencari diri

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I am on a 30 days of finding me.
30 hari mencari diri.

I have been thinking of having a book to accompany this rediscovering me phase…before i actually hit a milestone age, the big 3-0.

I have always had connections with a book, especially inspiring novels and stories. The book which i always picked up to bring myself back up has always been paulo coelho’s The Alchemist. A book recommended to me by a schoolmate in secondsry years and have been one of my favourite all this time. Its the one ‘storybook’ i bring along to university because i thought i will need it in times of need and it did help now and then in my pursuit for knowledge with all its difficulties.

That was a book i thought i would take this time around. But then, i realise, no. Why would i want to use a book written by, nonetheless a great author, a spiritual person, and although he believes in God, he not necessarily share my faith.

I had always believed in signs and how Allah will give me inspiration and guidance in times of need. Disclaimer, although i know i strayed from that guidance sometimes and do things on my limited capability. So it happened i borrowed a book from the library with the intention to create some posters and take some contents from this book. But never got to start doing it. The book lay on my desk since a few days ago.

I have edward de bono’s beautiful mind at hand and i strive to read that but who would have thought, Contemplations of a book accompanying me suddenly been decided this morning, when i saw the book on my desk.

doa ajaran ilahi is the book. I realise this could be the right starting point if i am holding this book now. I am in search of myself, why would i stray so far to read all other when this small book could teach me something. It is, quite simply, a book of prayers. And prayers are a tool of a muslim who is in need. I am in need now.

So show me please.

“Supplicate to your Lord humbly and softly, surely He does not like those who cross the limits.” Al-a’raf:55