Life is a struggle.

It has always been a struggle for me. Not so much of a daily needs kind of struggle where you work for a plate of rice. I am truly grateful for where i am born, the family i was born to and this normal worldly life i am living.

My life has always been a struggle of choices. It just made sense to me. I definitely struggled during my school years. Not the struggle of getting grades, because i think i pretty much go through school averagely smooth but it was always a struggle of finding who i really am.

And i still am.

I have learnt to accept my self as i go through life, but its always a fell and get back up again seri type of acceptance, if you get what i mean. I have never been good in decision making. Its usually because of something. Like because ustazah doesnt like it, because school doesnt allow it, its because if i do it i will get punish or its because what my mother and father like. The only choice i made was to choose to go to IIUM and then sometimes i find myself thinking if i had made the right choice….because right now i am thinking as if i am in a deep shithole with no exact route to go. Like stuck in the middle of somewhere unable to move on until i made one single step.
But i am afraid to move on because i think this is where i should be. In a sense, i am struggling, even with my choices.

Life is a struggle. Of choices.
Always when i think i have had it, a eureka this is it moment, it will soon die out and i am back to where i started. Feeling disoriented, dissatisfied, disturbed, heh. This cycle has to stop. I know that. And i keep steering it.

And 30 is approaching soon. I still find myself struggling…with me…