under.pressure

Work what else

that cliche

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wake me up when september ends.

How did September passed by quickly? and that it’s mid October. this moment that i realised that the days had been a blur. i am just passing through day by day without much thought.

except that i hit a high and then low for days before having to put up a strong front, for other people, and then felt like now i think i am back to normal again? put up a face of confidence when i don’t feel it and i just want to curl up in a hole or just lay in bed and do nothing. i want to chuck this phone out of sight and not reply to any messages or demands. sometimes i wonder if i am in need of some mental check through? this up and down…this…what is normal?!

the days been crazy, physically and emotionally, even intellectually if i can say so.

i feel disattached to what i was so used to. i have had that urge of leaving all the wa groups that had been a part of me for so long and almost normal to be receiving messages from them. someone made a comment that goes along the line of you need to get out of the group yourself because you’re not part of it anymore. we couldn’t ‘delete’ you because we don’t want to hurt you…and then hurt me in this conversation? im like Ok i can get out of it now! and i did, in front of him. granted, i wasn’t really that close to that particular group. but it was still a mixed feelings of im sad to leave it but also good riddance? is it i am not needed anymore. face it, i AM NOT NEEDED, in this part of the world! (drama, i know). its logical actually.

and then i wonder if i should leave all the other familiar groups? it could be that they don’t want to hurt me and so just leave me there…and then…created a new group altogether. its paranoid of zero degree. perhaps i don’t have to think too much. then there’s that awkwardness of should i say something before i leave, should i say thank you for whatever it is, or should i just leave quietly, perhaps some time midnight when everyone is sleeping and they don’t even aware that i leave? in fact its been 6 months now. people could already forget that i was there in the first place. i could do that. let them be free… or is it i be free?

sheeessshh.. this attachment issues really…sucks.

and then i heard from someone, giving a comment. not about me, but about his ownself, because he needs to leave too…he said he should leave whatever groups quickly, make it clean so there is no confusion, and that he himself could focus on what lies ahead of him, instead of burdening himself with what he assumed as unfinished business..because let’s face it, someone else will do it (or will have to do it). but not what is already waiting for him. that- he needs to pave the way, quickly. his previous position, his previous team, will be there to support him to make that transition, but at the same time, he cannot dwell on that attachment because things needs to get moving. leave and don’t think too much. just do it. the system will allow that we all eventually meet again, work together again. so why feel so attached. we are all doing this for a higher purpose, some mission to create something good.

it’s true, right?

within a few weeks, did his handovers, said thank you and leave. (although we always see him now and then. pretty sure he goes through some adaptation and change struggle but he’s not showing it, in fact, he seems more like a person with purpose…with a lot at stake)

ahhh this public servant thing…you always move on fast.

i did make a first step. after realising that i have not checked my previous work email for so long, i had a sudden obligation to check and true enough, i received a few emails from parents and people who are not aware that i was no longer working there. i forwarded these emails to the new head for her to follow up, quickly, i hope. i was like, sheesh, i really need to do something or people will be angry at me for not replying or worse, angry towards the mosque. so i did an automatic reply and requested from my (ex)colleague to take me out from the internal group mails (because otherwise they will receive my automatic reply every time). it does feel like i just strip off a part of me. but no. don’t dwell on it. because well, even the (ex)boss don’t seem to care.. erkkk…

i should be grateful, even if it’s for awhile. i do feel like like i can get used to this job, but i need to make a lot of changes. change perspectives and how i do things, how i see things, people even. i have been pretty much doing things out of habit, this is really a shock to the system, shake the mind a bit, give it a fresh reel. i have all these experiences, they are useful to pave the way for an exciting future. so, be free.

for God’s sake, its been 6 months. as you have already see, they are all doing well…without you…so give it a year, and if Allah wills it, move back and start anew. for now, focus on what is already in front of you.

will do. smile. enjoy the process.

never say die

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survived the month.

went into a new job with diarrhoea the first week i was there. but i persevered. amidst the emotional and mental struggle of having to be where i have to be.

survived headaches and finally succumbed to flu and fever. amidst the rush to finish my first ever masters’ programme essays.

mad rush really. i survived. alhamdulillah. getting used to a new job and and new student role. sometimes you can really surprised your own self by the things you thought you could never do.

today marks a new month. and i hope i can continue to persevere and work hard as i can be. i pretty much getting the hang of this.

and all these changes can be pretty exciting too.

Wasn’t it gonna be fun and wasn’t it gonna be new?
Wasn’t it gonna be different and wasn’t it gonna be true?
Didn’t you say that?

Never, never, never, ever
Never, ever, ever say die

-Chvrches


paint my life

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i took a nap. actually i dozed off after dinner while watching Diary of a Night Watchman…a korean drama on netflix, i think that’s the title though. after wwwsk and sgbs, i cannot seem to move on. anyway i wasn’t going to talk about dramas.

let’s start over.

i took a nap. woke up about half hour later and thought i would take a shower and start doing my work. work here being vague…it’s either my school work or work work.

that was three hours ago. i took that shower only 15 mins ago. where did my three hours go?

i sat at my usual spot at the dining table. i did take out my towel and put it on the chair i was sitting on. then somehow i was just lost in front of my macbook. intermittent with reading Hons and Rebels. intermittent with browsing though IG for i don’t even remember what is it i was looking at.

so 3 hours ago i thought i would complete maybe 50 sets of record verification, and read one academic journal. nope. i did manage to write a personal book review, a blog post somewhere, and bought a pair of sneakers. like out of nowhere! do i even need it? in my defense, it was my fave brand, originally cost $200+, and it was now at $66 after discount upon discount. it was the last pair of MY size. i just had to get it, right? it’s fate, at times like this 😛

anyway enough. probably give myself about two more hours to try and accomplish something. need to start the groove back. time is running out both school and work. i practically worked nonstop for 9 hours today, i even forgot to take lunch because by the time i looked up from my work it was 3pm. i took minute breaks to drink and look at IG and that’s pretty much it.

i borrowed 8 books with high hopes of starting on writing something for my assignment. let’s do this! fighting!

nothing to do with the featured image nor the title. i am having a serious crisis of the inability to decide because i am just bogged over with…..work…. it’s really one of the seasons. the season to run. for time.

from pain comes strength

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it had been a difficult week.

especially when you realised being good is not good enough. or perhaps what i perceive as doing the right thing, turned out to be not accepted? hated? became a topic to be talked about behind my back? when all i see, is goodness in others. (i have said it times and again, this is my curse, really) and that i have never, in my blase redundant life, expected them to be that way?

i have never, also, believe everyone is perfect. not my self for that matter. whenever something is not right, instead of pointing fingers or blaming others, i tend to ask myself where did i go wrong? was i suppose to do it differently or was there a way that it could be done right? i never really think that perhaps some other people might be in the wrong. unless someone i respected and trusted pointed out to me, that, see Seri, it is not your fault, he or she really made this mistake or in the wrong. learn to accept it and move on. and there have been one or two person who can tell me that. really just a few actually. like a colleague and the other my best babe. my sisters and brothers. and my amazing husband, mainly because he’s a high level manager in a huge international company. the people i dealt with are chicken pea compared to the types of people he work with (which means, multi cultural, multilingual, diverse race​ and religion). and they will point out if im wrong too, or where i could have done better.

i have never been a people person too. i have embraced that it is an introvert thing. i am perfectly fine doing things on my own and a colleague used to say, along the line: when i’m doing my work, i’m in my zone. and yes, sometimes it’s like that, i just stayed too focused on something and everybody else is in a different space, until, some distraction happened or my stomach starts to rumble, and then wham, oh hey everybody else.

but not everyone is like me. i’m a social animal who can thrive without being too social. but people could think that i don’t care? or worst, people could think im just stupid, because i seem to not know anything due to my nature of not kaypoh or keen enough. and i guess there are people like that, who thinks they could ‘play’ me out, taken for granted because i act like i don’t know. most of the times, i really don’t know, but Allah, SubhanAllah, has never left me in the ditch, literally. there’s always a gut feeling, the sudden change in my reaction (that i cant control), or something or someone just came up out of nowhere. i never have to dig or be kaypoh enough to find out.

i believe all that is good takes time. i don’t want to live a life where i am constantly thinking if someone talked bad about me, or always in suspicion of one another, because i don’t think we can work, live, breathe like that. constantly blaming others for any mishappens, constantly thinking everyone else is wrong, everyone else is to be blamed. constantly in vengeance, feeling victimised. constantly weighing, this is my job, this is your job im not doing it because it is not my job or i am not paid for it. and i think the worst kind of people, are those who always think they are right or too ‘high’ that they cannot do menial work or be with some people. i do not want to be someone who cannot accept my mistakes, because by thinking too highly of myself, i am putting myself at the lowest. because at the end, Allah is the Most High and All-Knowing. but that does not mean anyone else can blame me and think highly of their ownselves.

i am not that person. i will never be that person.

after days of fighting with my emotions and this is human nature, but by working one self out and understanding where this anger, sadness, disappointment comes from, and from having amazing people around to talk to. i am slowly clearing my thoughts and cleansing my heart, and hopefully be able to see things clearly for what or who they really are. in the meantime, i take myself out from all that is bringing this heart pain, and believe me, it is so painful but i will still see the goodness in everyone else. and perhaps there’s the beauty of it.

15:7

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gosh. for every 12 days of work. i need like a, 5 days rest.

one day just to rest my body and recuperate from social life
one day just to buck up and try to do some house chores left undone
one day just to ‘get into routine’ of a ‘normal’ day which means house chores, cooking, eating proper meals at proper times, have some exercise workouts
one day just to catch up on reading and maybe watch something i like + simple chores and cooking
one day just to rewind the brain that hey tomorrow start working, let’s plan the week

i need another day to maybe go out of the house do or see something interesting
and then another day to rest from that mini adventure

hey let’s make it 7 days then.

maybe i should propose a work schedule that, ok let’s make it for every 15 days of work, i need a 7 days rest?

workable?

prayer of hope

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the power of prayer and hope.

who would have thought. 2018 started with such a turn around.

at some point, the workplace was full of tension and unhappiness. unfairness and disagreement. people trying to face the day with as much dread as it is with the need to complete whatever tasks screaming for their attention.

we talked of the difficulties and hardship. we talked of putting up hopes that everything will get better. we talked of how it can get better.

i still remember telling a few colleagues, last year, “please be patient, things will get better, i have a feeling 2018 will bring much hope and those who feel they are being treated unfairly, the truth will rise up. Allah will help those who were mistreated.” At that point of time, i was thinking of a colleague’s effort to bring everyone together for an usrah where he will share insights and reminders from the spiritual point of view. i was looking forward to it because i really think that would open up people’s hard hearts.

and then things start to move with His help. one by one. i trust Allah has better plans for us. for every one of us. we forgot that He knows everything, the past present and future. we forgot that we are here because of Him. there is nothing that we do now, without Him knowing without Him moving them. perhaps we have been shown, witnessed His greatest help for us. i could imagine a grey cloud was lifted off, and everyone’s eyes could finally see what was hidden behind those rays.

i could see all the people from the past being mistreated and feeling, you have been wronged and you have been reprieved. without anyone saying any word out loud, Allah allowed a person to leave, in silence, as compared to all the hard and harsh situation created in the past. i say, Allah, that is much forgiveness You are showing.

allow us to forgive and be forgiven too.

but i especially feel disappointed. for the longest time, i wanted to believe there is only goodness. there is only goodness and perhaps that pained and tainted heart could be changed. for the longest time, i only wanted to see the positive half of a person. God gave me that. He let me see only the goodness and completely blinded of the misdeeds that had been happening for so long. and then i wanted to know and hear it. hear it out loud. say it out. because my brain could not make sense of it all. let it be heard and gather for itself what is true.

and then we listened. we could finally move on. we could fully separate the goodness of a person from the misdeeds. because nobody is perfect. i’m not. and we could slowly but surely be lifted up. lifted up from drowning in despair and sadness, to finally see light and honestly feel happiness.

may this bring positive change and captivates only joy and sincerity.

stop. keep moving.

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so here i am. sitting at the dining table. my furry little companion sitting next to the box of tissues. sleepy but trying to stay awake as she looks my fingers typing this post.

and then i stroke between her ears. trying to tell her, it’s ok sayang, go ahead and sleep, i will still be here. she closes her eyes.

it is a good sunny day today. surprisingly bright and hot after days of stormy rains last week. there had been many planes flying over hougang skies. could be some airforce training. probably due to the clear skies today, perhaps they also take the opportunity to fly and protect. well, the peace around is sometimes disturbed by the thundering sounds of the planes.

the radio has been on for days. i think it is perpetually playing Kiss 92. i dont really care what songs came up. when i’m alone, it provides some noise, and perhaps some good songs got played, i could dance to it, i could sing to it. but nowadays, it plays christmas songs too. and then i tell myself, my God, this is a Muslim house, why are we playing this channel?

so i got up and change to the Malay channel, Warna 94.2fm and perhaps the call of prayer will be played soon. perhaps that is what has been missing in this house.

what i did today? woke up feeling heavy at heart. worried. anxious. unclear. i did some exercise, following a youtube video from the BodyProject channel. and the most consistent so far i had done all week. perhaps finally i found a channel that could make me exercise, that wouldnt make me jump so much because of these pains on my knee (the doctor said i am too young to have knee pains). perhaps an exercixe routine that doesnt tell us to do too many steps at a time, because honestly i could not follow the steps. well, this particular video i am following is doing cardio workout for beginners. 5 days following it. i enjoyed it.

i sit in front of my MacBook Air. braving myself to read emails, work emails. i read them. but i don’t have the energy to reply to any of them. and i don’t care. i have the classes list from google docs on automatic. looking at it makes me sick and helpless. i still need teachers but i dont know what i can do about it. maybe if i look at it long enough, it will be filled up with teachers’ name magically and i could finally rest in peace. every day, i worry about it. all i can do is to post up the poster on facebook, forwarded the same poster in whatsapp group. and nothing or no one ever come up. i don’t know how to face 2018.

i felt bitter. seems like everyone i know is going away on vacation. and i am still here doing nothing and suffering. my heart is heavy. i worry too much. because there is so many things needed done. but why am i the only one worrying? do no one else seems to care? i feel tired and sick of doing this every year.

i tell myself i should not feel sick. i should not feel bitter. but by telling myself this, am i running away from my real feelings? am i trying to make myself feel better then? do i?

i want to do nothing. i want to think of nothing. i want to free myself from responsibilities. i want to dissolve my leadership because i feel like i have done everything but everything is not enough. i am tired. i am scared.

and then i tell myself. stop. keep moving.

34th Syawal

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i turned a year older in the islamic calendar every 3rd Syawal.

i have to say its been melancholic and bitter sweet this year. i absolutely have no desire to go visiting or receive guests. i only feel all the exhaustion of ramadan starting to sink in and all i need is some quiet time to recharge. i have already given up of having to rush everytime first day of syawal and that inner fight of having to prioritise one family over my own. always having to give in. so if Ramadan is exhausting, Syawal is excruciatingly painful.

but i think i am having that today. a day of just me in this room. although the construction donwstairs and the short moments of having a fire at a neighbouring flat create some excitement and noise that you learnt to block out.

i have been a very sad person this year. i really is. so pardon me if this post is going to be some dreadful and boring post, if anyone is actually reading.

i feel like i lost some spark. i lost interest in work. i feel im not good enough. i feel tired all the time but i have to say its not physically tired, but emotionally, mentally and perhaps, even spiritually draining. i tried to overcome. it gets better and then it goes down again. its like my life graph goes up and down, up and down in steep curves. but i guess it is slowly getting better, i hope.

because life needs to move on and i hate feeling down. it gets better after a recharge. reading, just keeping quiet from the world, isolate myself a bit, because people bring pain.

i hope i can relive the spark, the purpose from what i am doing. perhaps find something that will excite me again. give me a sense of importance, a sense of being. i did timeline therapies and seemed to help. or maybe just a quiet time will do. and i am really appreciating every moment of it because once i start work, it will be nonstop.

Allah please help me. as You always do. as You always have. because this job is not for me to own. please guide me if whatever decisions i have to do. please guide me if it is for the best, for me, for my family, for the community. if it is not, please make it easy for me to leave it. Amiin.

perhaps, someday, i will find true happiness, significance and sincereness in what i am doing.

pull my self back

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2017 has been hell of a welcome. quite a roller coster of emotions and mental peaking on and off. these two months has been such a difficult time for me i almost crashed and burnt.

i am not in a healthy state mentally and emotionally to record the life i went through for the past months. but suffice to say i am healing my self. i need to be silent for a few days to allow myself to recall who i am and why i am here, because i feel like im going down at such speed that if i don’t step back, i could damage everything and lose it.

already i am having headaches almost daily. i cannot think straight and make proper decisions. sometimes i hear people talking but then i blanked out and i couldnt understand what they are saying. like i need to stop and listen to whoever is talking say it out one by one. i cannot be fast paced anymore because i couldnt decide properly. i start to have doubts and not taking risks. i couldnt decide what is better for anyone or anything to do with work anymore. i couldnt finish my work fast enough.

i really feel like i need to just literally stop doing anything. because i have so much dedication for this whatever it is i am doing, if i don’t stop, im just going to fall off the cliff.

please, allow me to have some breathing space and pull my self back.

follow through

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time is going too fast this year. already we are one week away from the third month! the third month of the year already I tell you. I somehow felt we should still be in January now.

I have put my whole heart mind and energy into my job and have some sense of work life balance as well. certain things I need to learn for now after two months of fast going routine.

1) I need to learn to let go. let go and let other people take the lead. because otherwise I am always anxious. learn to have full faith and tawakkal that whenever I am not around, things will go as it should be. it will be OK. I have to believe in it. it is all in the mind really. If I don’t learn to let go and let others lead, I am going to be stressed out and probably get high blood pressure, because that is how I am feeling these weeks.

2) Learn to be less serious. this has a lot to do with controlling how I react to situations. its either I take it positively and take it less personal or I start blaming myself and feel all negative about it. I used to be able to only see the positive sides of things, but being where I am now, I do have to be critical about things sometimes because otherwise we cannot learn. it is all about feedback. but it is also a balance of circle of control and circle of influence. there you go, some nlp and 7 habits practised together.

3) the planner works like….heaven!! I love my weekly planner and it has been my bff ever since. after trying out so many apps on productivity, I knew I am still a paper and pen person. it puts things more in perspective of what I am expected to do, help me to compartmentalise my work, family and personal life. made it more obvious and the magic of writing it down – it is a commitment. thank you Kikki K for just the right kind of journal I needed. it is just the simplicity and its functionality. ‘decorating’ it is not my priority, it’s more of impromptu-ness. some coloured pens and highlighters is all it needs. although i do have the life stickers that come with the journal, some small cute stamps i bought and i finally found a habit tracker that is not an app! its just an added on small piece of paper that i was able to paste at the corner of each week. i love it. everything i need in a journal.

4) i learnt that there’s only so much we can do in a day. the first few weeks of the year, i would be writing down a whole list of tasks i need to do for the DAY, but i realised, at the speed rate of work i am doing, i only managed to cross out a few items and have to bring forward the rest to the next day, to which, i had initially list other tasks. so apart from organizing my workload into days, like Mondays for research like and Tuesdays for paperworks, i decided that i can only achieve to complete three tasks only in a day. 1 major tasks and two additional somewhat minor tasks. because otherwise, i got stuck doing one thing and i cannot move on doing other pending tasks. already my job sometimes take a lot of time such as fee chasing and data records, which requires me to be meticulous. and then i don’t do other stuffs like lesson overviews and lesson planning. so yea, learn to let go (item 1) and accept that i can only do three tasks in a day. not more than that. so far, there has not been an idle day in my weeks now.

5) time is of major important factor in all this planning. and the power of foreseeing how much time you need to do a task or a meeting or whatever it is, is indeed very powerful. i have always trusted my time-thinking instinct and i am going to continue to do that. like when i know i have to chair a meeting, i projected my mind that this meeting is going to take only an hour. an hour it will indeed take. perhaps an extra 15 minutes allowance, but somehow i manage to stick to the time. if i have to attend a meeting, than usually that will take two hours max, so i will plan out my day to work around that two hours meeting and list out tasks which are manageable and doesn’t require much brainstorming or decision making. because after a meeting, depending on its subject at hand, i can get very brain drained. plan your time. it works wonders.

6) it has become a bit more easier to switch from my conscious mind to the unconscious. especially when i have a goal to achieve or something i really need to complete or accomplish. writing it down is the visual aspect of motivation. but the unconscious mind has a bigger role in making it happen. the belief that i can make it happen. it takes a while and some practice but i believe it is better for me now. it gives me that mind-nudge to just do it and follow through. same thing with the teachers when i do my contact time with them. key word. follow through.

7) and that brings me to one last thing. communicate. communicate. communicate. make time to communicate. with the teachers, full time or part time, i need to make that effort to ask how’s it going. because then that is one way to follow through. and i am teaching myself to take any setback or feedback or challenge as a positive thing that makes our worklife more exciting.

if i am down, there is no reason for my teachers to get that vibe and having that heavy hearted and down feeling as well. even if it is a mask, i will try to make myself feel better and see all these as the colours and spices of the worklife.

and my unconscious mind is set on becoming a good wife too this 2015! planning planning planning. and follow through.