under.pressure

Work what else

handle with care

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i’m indulging myself in jodi picoult’s handle with care and perhaps cure this sadness and crushed feeling i’d been having the whole week. and just trying to forget the whole thing and bring myself up to face whatever needs done next.

it made me wonder why am i doing all this? what is it i want to achieve out of all this hard work? when in one ear fiery remark can tore your heart. but like a senior adviced, don’t show your emotions and stay strong. and here i am, being strong. as always.

the thing is, if my being busy is my mistake and a bad reason to not have called, as opposed to parents’ -quote-busy the whole year-unquote- well with all due respect to all parents out there, let’s do the math:
i am busy because i have other 600 students(as oppose to two teens) to care for and making sure they really learnt what they should have been learning at home in the first place.
i am busy because i have 600 students to discipline and learn how to respect, when parents don’t show that they respect other people.
i am busy because i have 1200 parents’ bizarre expectations and demands to sanely deal with.
i am busy because i have 5-DIGITS dollars of unpaid fees to think of recovering.
i am busy because i have 9 team members who i have to keep together to be able to deliver the job in the most perfect manner. and i mean perfect.
i am busy because i have only 365 days in a year to save my ass before 600 students and 1200 parents made me accountable when facing HIM after a lifetime.

so do i apologise for being busy?

i am not saying my responsibility is any bigger or harder than parents. no. their responsibility and busy-ness is of utmost nobility. but with that nobility, i do not think it gives parents the high and mighty-ness to snap at me or any other asatizah. if i can show them all respect, as i have been taught by my own parents, couldnt they give a speck of that to us? i mean, please, enlighten me, i do not understand why cant there be mutual respect?

well i am not generalising, this happened among some, while many others have been very supportive and i am truly truly grateful of that.

and i hope there is no one out there who’s hurt by this post of mine, but if the reader happens to be a parent, let’s think about it…why do we always complain when teacher did so much. why are we unable to respect teachers, no matter how young they are when they are taking a portion of the burden of educating the children?

my parents have never shown disrespect to my and my sibs’ teachers. and we’ve learnt that. and i pray that when i have children, i will respect their teachers.

i am but a small fry in this world.

speeding thoughts

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there’s going to be our very first maulid rasul celebration at the mosque this saturday and it’s making me restless. i couldn’t sleep the whole of last night just thinking about it! i keep going through the things that needed to be done over and over, worried that i will forget them the very next day! it’s almost like a speeding train not knowing when to stop :/

when i did get to sleep, i think i slept for a short while before the alarm sounded and then aware of my sisters walking about getting ready for school. as soon as i reached work, my mind already reeling with so many things.

but i know everything will turn out well, insya Allah. i really hope it will. speaking of which, tomorrow i have to call up people!! don’t forget that seri! and email those applicants who want to teach!

ok. breath in breath out. things will go well. am excited and nervous. but hey, i always feel like this before every event. haha!

and the best thing would be to play as many selawats as possible on this day. i always felt my heart ‘jumping’ with joy everytime we played a selawat. i missed those feeling. and i missed those times at my old school when we have our very own session of maulids. if only among my teachers are almaarifians who could reminisce with me those beautiful times and perhaps, have it as a culture at school. i wouuld love those. (hehe, better start looking for juniors who are willing to teach:))

*************

and because you dedicate the song to me…
i.m.y. yes. you.

that’s it!!

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that’s it i’m officially stressed!! Yes stress is good stress is motivating yada yada yada. but right now i’ve had it!

i hear so many complains from fellow colleagues about this and that and i feel stupid because i cant help them and then there’s the teachers with their this and that. it’s like i have 101 things to do and i have to listen to 101 things and then there’s all these expectations and plannings and implementings needed to be done just to ensure things are going the right way!

i just want to do my job right. is that too much to ask??!!

i mean, God, sometimes i love what i’m doing but sometimes it’s just too much.

yes there’s some workshops attended and then tips to manage this and that but really, when there’s too many spiderwebs, you just want to sweep them away!

*i’m screaming in my head*

and let’s not talk about this abode!

cut the tree

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now perhaps in seven habits we have what we know as sharpen the saw… simply said practice makes perfect. but all i’m thinking is to start sharpening the mind with these on the list:

childhood education
best teaching methods
religions
be up to date to news (i have taken for granted and not watch or read the news properly for the past year!)
sharpen my fiqh, read up my tauhid, and everything related to it
and yes, definitely read up those books unread as of yet!

and as have learnt, assert: I HAVE TIME

and yes i will start today.

heart made of lego

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i wanted to blog, but actually, i couldnt stop myself from reading The hour i first believed. i started reading the book weeks ago, but had to put it away because time doesnt allow me to and now that today, for once, i got a whole sunday and i just cant stop reading it.

there’s a number of storyline in the novel but am now at the part where the main character caeluhm’s wife was in the library when columbine high school shooting rampage happened. and then it went to how maureen the wife had to deal with the trauma,(while at the same time, caelum was mourning for his aunt’s death who practically raised him and the loss of his friend who was one of the victim of the shooting rampage)….and i had to pull myself away from the book.

just one week into 2010, first day of madrasah was better than what i expected (i had imagined worst) and although there a glitches, those are bound to happen, has there been perfectness in anything? so i’m learning. always.

like how we need to constantly be in communication with parents because one whole month of holiday and they got disoriented….i feel like we need to have newsletters now. i really think so, and with three fulltime teachers, this should be some work to do.

and if last year i experimented with group agreement, which really worked at some point, this year i’m trying out ‘trainer’s expectations’ and i hope this can create better learning experience. and i had a spiritual awakening yesterday when i shared with my students my expectations from the classes this year. it’s like a zap of light in an instance the moment i mentioned the word. it goes straight to the heart.

there’s a lot of things to improve. and plan. and decide.

it’s going to get busy definitely.

oklah, maghrib oredi…signing off.

and a whole sunday rest…i’m loving it.

space to breathe

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work is always about moving from one task to another. always and seemingly neverending. believe me. last week was all about korban. this week was all about orientation. the amount of physical and thought energy it took, not forgetting the utter nervousness i had all week, knowing i had to conduct this round of orientation by myself!

so this morning was the orientation, i stayed up quite late last night, rehearsing to the slides, which thankfully was prepared for all mosques. i just had to understand what the slides are all about and remembering exactly what to say, but knowing me, i ended up talking impromptu, whatever script i wrote or tried to memorise went out the window.

of course, i still need alot of improvements. A LOT. there are times when the word just don’t come out and then some points which i missed out to mention. but alhamdulillah, it went well, teachers who came to help were on automotum, registration, activities for the children, although a bit quite messed up, because we weren’t expecting a WHOLE AUDITORIUM FULL OF PARENTS.

next time must always expect the unexpected and prepare with more precise details. i was nervouse prior to the session,, but once i was on stage it’s like do or die. i hope i get to do better orientation next time. only i didnt know why i suddenly had a runny nose in the middle of the presentation, and i had to catch a lot of breath.

thank you Lord, at least this went well. now on to what’s next on the list!

yes…it’s been a whole year. with you.

my sacrifice

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suddenly being reminded of the creed’s song my sacrifice…

despite all the late nights, the late meetings, the lateness of the kambings arriving at our mosque 🙂 we pretty much had a smooth operation of korban. ALHAMDULILLAH. really. with the vendors’ expertise and some very good mmbs on the ground, we made it. our very first korban. and yes, definitely the volunteers who practically spent the WHOLE day at the mosque. may Allah bless them for all the good work they did.

of course there are bound to be some glitches, but alhamdulillah, if there are problems, it was overcame quickly and diplomatically. what’s important, the people are happy with the service.

and so i pray, that Lord, please give us strength, patience, sincerity and wisdom in this line of work we are doing. please save us from fitnahs and evil eyes. please.
let every word that comes from my mouth be the truth.

work wise

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first it was living life. with the hopes it can bring a smile and some sort of motivation. yes it did bring a smile.

now it’s just…i’m NOT in a good mood, a huge headache residing….terribly a mess. i hated these peak seasons.

period.

let’s get these things done and over with. please. i’ve had it.

and i don’t enjoy gilbert’s as much as i thought i would.

and the talk i went to on friday was depressing. will relate on that later.

hope for the misery

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i do not want to lament about work. because as much as i am so stressed out with work, there are other people out there who are have much more responsibilities, more time spent at work, more rushing for reports and whatever, so much more than i could ever have. it’s not just me who are working, but probably billions of people out there, who are facing the same busy mode as me.

but i have to say, these days, i’ve been putting up a calm face, smile and listen to whatever has been discussed meetings after meetings with utter concentration and focus, when in reality, i’m just fighting tears and headaches. i think i have never been this stressed out about work. my work is already chaotic, add up to being one staff down and me taking over for until the new kid comes in, like double work already!!!! no, triple work!!! it’s too much la seh~

and still i have to move on. i mean, no point whining or complaining right? i’ve always been that, Take it all in, and just do it. to h*** whatever happen.

because only i can do it. (that’s another thing, people seems to think i can do it, when sometimes i wonder what if i actually can’t?)