never say die

survived the month.

went into a new job with diarrhoea the first week i was there. but i persevered. amidst the emotional and mental struggle of having to be where i have to be.

survived headaches and finally succumbed to flu and fever. amidst the rush to finish my first ever masters’ programme essays.

mad rush really. i survived. alhamdulillah. getting used to a new job and and new student role. sometimes you can really surprised your own self by the things you thought you could never do.

today marks a new month. and i hope i can continue to persevere and work hard as i can be. i pretty much getting the hang of this.

and all these changes can be pretty exciting too.

Wasn’t it gonna be fun and wasn’t it gonna be new?
Wasn’t it gonna be different and wasn’t it gonna be true?
Didn’t you say that?

Never, never, never, ever
Never, ever, ever say die

-Chvrches


a week on hiatus

i have to say my work energy has been very low this week. brain drain and unable to make decisions. i couldnt finish work faster. i take it from a positive point of view. just the time and opportunity to take it slow. because really, after ramadan, it will be one thing after another.

currently doing continuations for 2017 and then siblings registration and then the public. some decisions need to be made, like should we have night classes for certain levels or how do i manage some requests to change sessions and stuffs like that. i am honestly quite nervous.

but not before my raya-rest week. trying to clear all the off in lieus. pretty much looking forward to that. not that i will be doing much visiting, i would have preferred to stay home and rest. in any case, hoping that afterwards, this work energy will come back as normal. yes, i feel tired, exhausted sometimes and i dont even know why. its not like i have children to take care of after work, or extra moonlighting or studying…i guess its pretty human to feel a bit demotivated. or perhaps i just need to find something new to work on. or it is just my pattern like this,in june, it will be a bit slow and then gear up again come july. perhaps i have worked hard from january to may.

not to worry though. i have mentioned it to a colleague, that i have left my career to God. He will decide for me as He knows what is best for me. If i am still needed here, i will persevere and do the best i can. if there is someone better who can take over this job and it is time for me to go, He will guide me then. truly, me being here is not so much my decision, but planned as He has. this mosque belongs to Him, He guards it and Wallahi, He knows. I am here because of Him, and if I leave, it is because of Him. some soul searching or soul retreat will help me in finding the passion back again.

you know how uplifting it can be to finally understand and embrace everything that happens is because of Him. so live. and just be. Allah is with the patience.

picture done with wordswag app.

selfish thoughts

i know. i am very sleepy now. i am exhausted beyond comprehension. ok that is exaggerated. but i just want to lay on this bed and read and do nothing else. i still managed to stirfry some vegetables for dinner, folded laundry and ironed a shirt but for everything else, i just had it. no one even bothers to clear the garbage. at times like this, i dont even care myself. i worked hard and tried hard. i just need some understanding and care.

seriously. no one cares.

semua tentang kita

very fulfilling exhaustive days since thursday. a lot of emotions going on for me as well.
a productive day at thursday changed right towards the end of the day. when i usually would be waiting for husband to fetch me from work, i had to do a long detour of ‘fetching’ him instead all the way from woodlands and back to home. Edge of Sengkang – North Coast (Senoko) – Hougang Central. and drove home 1/3 of the way at that!

just glad we reached home safely but my night was filled up with sponging him now and then. his body temperature was real high. i was just so worried i dont mind not sleeping. luckily friday was my off day and he was on mc. i think my wife instincts really surfaced. sponging him, went grocery shopping, cooked for him etc etc. and even though i worked saturday whole day, surprise surprise i woke up at 5 am to cook so that he wont have to go out buy food for lunch!

i was exhausted, i was close to tears smsing with my sisters, but come to think of it, i am surprised that i could do it all. really am. i could complain of exhaustion and my body is tired. but my mind is saying good job Seri. this is what you did for your self and for your husband. because i wanted so much to take care of him and i did. my brain has these positive neurons all over.

true, once you set your mind on what you want to achieve, things are a bit more bearable. without compromising us.

i love you.

a brief inspiration

Sedetik berjema’ah was done out of nowhere. it really just came up at exactly between the azan for Asar and the Iqamah today at work. it was short and simple but it had always been at random impromptu times when proses come to my mind. so that was like in two minutes? after that, when I thought I want to possibly expand the poem, I couldn’t. well, as I say mentioned in a previous post, in proses no less, it came without warning.

Anyway, I have been thinking about this the whole day. I woke up this morning with this urge to write down something like a tribute to my teachers. I know its way past teachers’ day and I’m not always an emotional person when it comes to my teachers. well I have my ups and downs back at school always being the odd one out, neither here nor there, having a hard time to learn to speak up and definitely friend problems. hehe. but right now, my focus are my teachers.

it will be in the next post..

in love in grief

I am just back from a short holiday to Langkawi with my hubby’s family. Although this post is not about Langkawi. Rather, this is like an expression of my sorrow to the news i read as soon as i reached the country. The death of a boy in a holiday with his family in Australia and a couple on honeymoon in New Zealand, which i felt so much sadness for…maybe because i had my honeymoon in New Zealand too and it could have been us.

I remember too well the long drive from one state to another. and most of the time we will be the only car for the long stretch of road. no doubt its the excitement of having the road to yourself, the beauty of the scenery all around you, catching the mountains, the sea or sunsets. its indeed beautiful. but i did recall how hubby will be very tired for the long drive and many times he got sleepy. and although he wanted to drive on to be able to reach our destination before sunset, i had to force him to stop somewhere and get a 10 – 15mins power nap. we did that few times. and it helped that New zealand roads had some scenic stops which we can have a short rest. i took over once or twice when the road was easier.

And i remember too those hilly roads with sharp turns and looking out the window, you may get beautiful scenery, but it will be a huge deep lake or thick forests, there may be barriers, there may be not. and not to say your other side will be the mountain rocks, some even had warnings of rocks falling. and then the advices from friendly new zealanders or the motel owners of landslide, of snows in certain areas. those thoughtful advices were really helpful for us to plan our route. through those hilly sharp turned roads, i can never stop worrying and never stop praying until we get to the end of it and on to a proper road. i will be hubby’s second pair of eyes, coz what is blindspot to him, i can see clearly. all those lonely roads… half the time i would be thinking who to call if something bad happened to us.

and then it did. we were trying to follow a lord of the rings trail on our own. we found the road, but we did not expect was how much further in it was going to be, from fields of sheep and farm animals, to a sudden change of stone roads or boulder roads whichever you can call it, towards what we saw in the distance a forest ahead. those boulder roads were dangerous.but we thought we can handle the long and lonely road. yes, you see no one else and no other cars except the sheep and deers around you. we didnt know how it happened, but the car skidded and hubby really did lose control of the car. and really at that point of time, everything is reeling in your mind, but i was just thinking of my husband, what will happened if… but the car skidded on and brought to a stop when it got stuck in a deep muddy patch at the side of the road. but even then, i think the car could have toppled over. we just looked at each other too shocked to say anything. but that is not the end of it. the problem now was to get the car out of the muddy patch. the thing is that the car is half slanting down, from the boulder roads, its like one step down into the muddy patch. we can’t bring it to neither reversed nor forward. we did not know what else to do, even mentally preparing to be stuck there for the night (it was getting darker). until thankfully fortunately gratefully a car passed by, a local family, and they helped us bring the car back to safety, effortlessly. seriously, it took the man about 5 minutes to bring back the car on the road! heh. we were thanking him profusely. so did we reach the LOTR trail destination? NO! we went back to main road.

it was an experience indeed and now that i looked back. especially through scenic roads which are actually, just hills and more hills, small roads, curvy sharp turns and literally truly just you, me and the mountains…But i am really thankful that we went and came back in one piece.

reading about the death of the honeymoon couple, i am really really sad but at the same time… glad they had each other at the time it happened and together in the next life, because we would not know how to live if we lose one of us. really, we would rather die together than to have just one of us live. my prayers to the departed. my prayers to the family who are still in shock after a nice and grand family get together, only to receive grieving news.

Surely death comes in unexpected ways. Innalillahi wa inna ilaihi rajiun.

of dresses and dais

for once, after a whole series of reminders and…well…naggings from your highness, i am officially headache-d by the many bridals and catering services. our initial plan to just go checkout less than three services, but it expanded that now, i can’t decide which to choose!! it’s like from one service to another~~ but one thing is, we can’t really compare between these services. each has their own strength and specialities. and every single detail is important~ the dresses of course, the dais(!!) and even food is utmost important!

although i’ve ruled out some bridal we’ve went to, i’m still left with one, or two, or three choices..

i never knew it had to be this difficult!! almost like a lifetime decision seh~

so amidst the meetings and work, i have these to think of, but i actually ENJOYED it! 😀

and i did one thing which i’ve always wanted to do and although it brought a lot of courage and i really felt a huge relief after doing it! and i say, a huge relief. almost like a big stone taken out from a load i had to bear. i’m happy it happened because for all that was in the past, they are good people. one was a very good friend. and i’m just glad i got to share a glimpse of joy.

crossed parallel

how can you know when it’s your time? somehow a loss of life affected me much that till this night, i still think about it, and the deceased still pictured quite clearly in mind, despite not having known her enough.

is it because i had been too happy that the news came as a shock…utter suddenness, a reminder that happiness is HIS and can always be taken back.
is it because of the realisation that i couldn’t get to know her as a family.
is it because i keep remembering to the day when she had been the one who handed me his gift to me.
i feel happy waiting for the day but i cant help thinking she wont be there. and why should i be rejoicing?

it hurts to know they are pained by this loss. and me, my family, we are deeply saddened by it.
although life has to move on. and pray Lord will help us all.

but you know what, i can never stop thinking that my most loved family members are not here to see me, see us. they have been gone for so many years but we can never forget them and will always miss them. i still remember those innocent years when i thought they will live for as long as i am but had them taken away. never stop remembering. it’s the only comfort.

and right now it’s crossed emotions running parallel. because it’s all happiness and grief at the same time. it pained me to see and hear him in sadness, but this pain i cannot control.

(and i can’t sleep for thinking about the orientation in a few hours’ time and the load of things to be done…work in non-ender do they?!)
and a meet up with two of my petals is great to relive those memories. thank you babes and i’m so going to get used to being driven back home by qzaimah!! hehe.

please pray everything went well, what’s with the first week of classes and THE day and whatnots.

i.m.y

tribute to 2008

before the day ends, let me welcome 2009 with an embrace. after welcoming 1430, 2009 seems like any other day, to me, at least.

i received so many messages last night that it almost got me irritated, because it somehow disturbed my sleep :0 but don’t worry, i don’t start the new year with grudges, haha.
thank you for the messages of hopes and prayers for 2009 for all of us. may all the best, and only the best for yourselves. :))

my 2008 has been a good year. truly. and it’s december ender is even better.
first half of the year was hectic for i took up a number of projects which pretty much revolved around Alive education, coming up with lessons and articles, some serious reviewing on Alive and had the opportunity to share my amateur experiences with new teachers. it’s what i’ve always wanted!

being a trainer myself teaches me a lot about education. simply put: i love what i’m doing! i’m determined to gain more knowledge on anything education: teaching/training/curriculum/planning/etc etc. there’s so much to learn from more experienced educationists!

one of the best achievement i had: DRIVING LICENCE! it’s almost like a ticket to freedom~ haha. and being able to drive my family around is such a good feeling really. this year, i want to drive more!! :))

and then i got a whole bookshelf for myself, i mean, my books! after so long stashing them away in the closet, they look so nice on the shelf! ok, i know it may sounds weird being excited about a bookshelf and books, but i can’t help it. :))
buy more books and read more!!

after a year and a half being a *TEMP, i can say i have a proper job now~ although still quite vague of my status, for i’m working AT one mosque, but really, am working FOR another mosque. neither here nor there, but at least, it feels like i’m having a real job now. when you’re a *temp, you tend to take things for granted. but now, i can’t afford to make mistakes. do pray for me. 2009 definitely sounds exciting and hectic already!!

and please let’s not forget the Bali trip!! what more can i say?? most friends might already know how we have been feeling about it, what’s with the countdown-ing to the trip and the many many post-bali pictures all over facebook and multiply and whatnots.

2008 is truly memorable. i’ve gained so much. so many people have made a mark in my life, especially on my knowledge and spiritual quest. and ender december was not only about getting a permanent job or bali trip but also something to do with what i used to termed ‘blue knight'(?) 😉

2009, here i come~~