pre-pasti

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These words formed. on 28 Syaaban.

Saddened by the news of so many deaths of good people. #sabahquake- children and teachers. a couple killed in an accident leaving two young children. a mosque volunteer who braved cancer till her last days. a young actor with a good personality passed on suddenly.

its always like this. You know it’s Syaaban, or you know it’s near Ramadan, when you hear news of death one after another.

How about us? How would our deaths be? How would our death affect others? How would earth receive us? How prepared are we? Like how, when you die, you know you have to accomplish things you couldn’t? like small children you are leaving behind? parents you have to take care of? a work responsibility? who would continue the job? leaving spouses? leaving spouses. I am sure it is hard.

I have always thought of how my late grandparents yayi and nyayi leaving within 24 hours. it has always amazed me. we have always consoled one another saying that yayi loves nyayi so much and he didn’t want to make it difficult for his children to take care of nyayi (she was bedridden).

I wouldn’t know how to take these grief.

pasti

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pasti

hidup ini

pasti ada gembiranya

pasti ada sedihnya

ada pasang surutnya

yang lebih pasti

akhirnya hidup

dipilih untuk bertemu

tinggalkan semua yang ada

yang tak pasti

yang tak diduga

bila akhirnya

entah hari ini atau esok

entah bagaimana dan kenapa

akhirnya

yang pergi dikenang

yang tinggal merindu

yang pasti diiring doa

beratlah pasti

mengharungi tanpa di sisi

sedihlah pasti

tak percaya engkau pergi

bila akhirnya kita

kita tak pasti lagi

Ya Allah

panjangkan umur kami

penuhkan hari kami

ampunkan dosa-dosa kami

terimalah ibadah kami

sangat kerdil dan takutnya pasti

kerana Engkau pasti jemput kami

first staycation

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our very first staycation! in Parc Vera hehe. it does have that nice holidaying feel to it, even the room has the coolness of a hotel. it was after all our very first night here at Parc Vera. i love it. i really like it here.

there is a system to it. somehow. the small kitchen, the backyard with the utilities toilet, that’s where the laundry and the cleaning stuffs are.  the main balcony to which, whenever i opened up the glass sliding doors, i could hear the madmade waterfall by the swimming pool and that we are surrounded by lush green plants. the living room to relax and watch tv. the dining area where we actually sit at for a proper meal. (we always have our meals in our room back at Central and I don’t really like that). I love sitting together at the dining table for our meals, I guess we are taught that way since young. i love that.

this pretty pretty room for whatever i feel like doing…reading, blogging, writing, praying. to each its own place. and oh, finally, i could wake up late at night to go to the toilet without having to go alllll the waaaay to the kitchen because we are finally sleeping in a master bedroom like all couples do. haha. jakun. i finally have a proper writing desk, a room i can call my own secret corner…ok.. not so secret but where all my favourite things are kept..my books of course. i guess my husband really do loves me for allowing me wholeheartedly, unconditionally giving me a room just for my books. the only thing i willingly compromised was i didnt want any interior designing renovation taking place in this room. we kept it simple with three whole shelves and this nice wooden writing desk. i am so inspired just sitting in this room. i am slowly bringing in the books, which will take several trips because one large toyogo box filled with books took all our strengths to move them. and soon my craft stuffs and the sewing machine.

Alhamdulillah ‘ala hazihin ni’mah. its almost like a private retreat from everyday life. i think i could probably get back to work next week feeling restored and refreshed. and ready for Ramadan. i love it here. i really do.

Angelopolis

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AngelopolisAngelopolis by Danielle Trussoni
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I feel like there is so many things i want to know more about. a ten years lapse between Angelology and Angelopolis is too long. I want to know how Evangeline had been. I want to know Verlaine’s growth as an angelologist and his many adventures throughout. I want to know more about Azov’s work! I want to have a back to the past about Angela. i want to find out more about Godwin! Oh so many things i want to know. Write more, please, pretty please.

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reading soundtrack: Sweep by Blue Foundation
The moment i heard this song it reminded of Angelopolis. it’s totally spot on.

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Please note that reading this two fantasy novels was quite hard on my spiritual side. i love angel stories. i have always been fascinated by Angels but i believe i knew where to draw the line between my third pillar of Iman, believing in angels with the many fictional stories out there. i had to stop, for quite a long time, when i first read Angelology. putting it away many times before i could finally picked it up again and reread the whole story. i need to make myself mentally and spiritually clear that what i am reading will not be blasphemous.

but that is why i love reading. especially when it affected me in some ways, when it opened up some perspectives. when it gives me a chance to challenge myself and when it made me realise and reflect.

reading realisation

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I realised something about myself today.

I realised that reading for me, is not just a form of hobby or ‘just reading’

it’s almost like a ritual or some spiritual thing that links back to what my brain or body needs. whether it’s emotional or intellectual.

I am currently reading Forty rules of Love, it should be a good book and I have been anticipating so much in reading it, but somehow it doesn’t grip my attention as much as I thought it would be. there is no real desire to read and find out more about the story, it doesn’t make me feel like I cannot stop reading, it doesn’t make me dream about reading it. it could be because of the theme of the story which revolves around a woman who is going through a midlife crisis, so it could be that I could not relate to the story so much. but I was looking forward to the sufi themes of the story, but somehow, it doesn’t gives me that inspiration so much.

I am at 36% reading through it but I decided I need to stop. I don’t enjoy reading it at this moment and I know it could be a book I want to love but right now, I cannot continue because it is not something I need. I need to move on and take a book and enjoy reading.

and somehow, I am dreaming of reading Purification of the Heart. this is another thing I just realised as well. I have had this book for so long and had not yet had a desire to read it but somehow, now, I yearn to read it. it must have something to do with my unconscious mind, or simply, my SELF. this inner self or something. like I would rush home right now just to read that book. it could also be that I have, earlier sometime ago,  put the intention to read it and this is the right time to read.

in any case, this pretty much how it is when it comes to reading. I have many books at home to read, but there will always be a ‘right time’ to read each and every one of them. from the feel of it, touching the cover and its pages, the smell of it, the sound of reading it, it all plays into the joy of reading. I just didn’t realise before that ‘time’ could be a factor as well.

just like Haruki Murakami’s 1Q84, I had it for since two years ago? but I only picked it up last year and was so engrossed in reading it I couldn’t stop. even a trip to Santorini couldn’t make me stop from reading it.

purification of the heart it is. starting tonight.

Innalillahi wa inna ilaihi rajiun

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cuba sebut ‘innalillahi wa inna ilaihi raji’un’ (Al-Baqarah: 156)

cuba sambung ayat selepas (Al-Baqarah:157)

cuba lah, ambik Qur’an buka baca ayat tu.

kalau rasa2 diri dibenci orang, dihina orang, dianaktirikan manusia, dihamba-firaunkan.

bacalah, ‘innalillahi wa inna ilaihi raji’un’

suruh kerja keras tidak mahu

sepotong ayat sampai bila2 pun akan dibahaskan dan dihukum

bila dah berilmu dan berjaya, sombong pula

bila tak berilmu, masih juga ada sombongnya

dikata tak kenang budi, kita pula yang disalahkan

orang kita, sentiasanya lah akan menyalahkan orang lain dan bukan diri sendiri.

Cuba faham: Innalillahi wa inna ilaiHi raji’un.

precious weekend

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having a full two days weekend is a luxury to me and whenever i had that chance, i just want the days to go very slowly because i have many things to do in two days. haha. or sometimes i just want it to go slowly because i just want to enjoy tranquility, of just resting reading a book or watching movies without my brain thinking too much about what’s happening at work or if everything is alright or otherwise.

i want the two days to go slowly please. work had been fulfilling so far. except for these two days, i really feel ‘blank’ and just doing menial tasks. and doing outstanding fees is just so boring and tedious now that we have more students. but lately the teachers have been doing surprisingly well like for the the workshop and fieldtrips and even clearing their teachers’ office willingly without having me to ask them to do. maybe they kind of get it how i sometimes go to their office and clearing small stuffs or maybe they just had a eureka moment that for now, finally, having a room to call their own, they are more than willing to play a part in keeping it clean. im glad they finally understand that i like things to be clutter free and i believe everything has its place. where home is still quite a challenge because hubbylove is able to live in a cluttered room. in my deepest heart, i love cleanliness.

so ok, im kind of distracted by this movie HER on HBO, so cutting this short.

ciao.

tomorrow is a busy day at parc vera for me and finally becoming somewhat mam of the house.

Angelology

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Angelology (Angelology, #1)Angelology by Danielle Trussoni
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

I loved the book. Seeing that i had it in ebook and book form probably shows how much i love it, although i have to admit it was quite a drag when i first read it. I had to pause from reading it for quite awhile because i find myself unable to move on with the reading. Finally took it up again and reread the first few chapters instead of continuing from where i left off. I did not regret doing that because the story became more clearer.

It had history, thriller mystery, religion, ancient beliefs, a bit of espionage, family and love and of course, my favourite subject of the story:angels, even though they are depicted as the anti-thesis of my beliefs. Partly due to why i stopped reading it earlier was because its blasphemous. Although of course i know its fictional, i need to step back a bit.

Its mindblowing and i admire how the author was able to link everything seamlessly, almost without effort. And the whole story, although it took me weeks to finish it, the span of the story was supposed to happen in what, two days?! So many things could happen! Amazing.

I simply cannot wait to start the next book, but right now, im having a hangover after reading angelology.

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Yes. A hangover. Good books always give me this lost feeling after i finished it. I love love this book. I need at least two days to get over this hangover or otherwise any book i picked after this is going to bore me within the first page. And anyway, i think my brain needs something intelligent and non fiction after this. I know it’s yearning for something spiritually enhancing and enlightening because angelology has too much christianity and Ancient beliefs and not to say blasphemous. There’s also many things from angelology i want to google. I mean the story is fiction but the themes are not. I got to check it for myself.

sugar free

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hubbyLove is back safe and sound. alhamdulillah. my hubby is one of the most reserved and shy person i have known but at times he could forget where he is standing and could even portray public display of affection. like a hug and kiss on the lips after being away from me for four days. at times like this, i feel like the shy girlfriend whose heart beats with anticipation for the boyfriend returning home. blushing and smiling to receive the boyfriend. haha.

it is March already. Already?! i feel like i have not stop rushing through the days.

but i finally learnt to let go today. it is a sunday and i had a clear mind and not worry about work. sometimes i am still teased by the thoughts of quitting and had enough of these constant anxiety and busy-ness and managing expectations from every corner of my life. ideal would be to work lesser hours, and take care of both homes, one which require me to care for my parents. but since i may not have that chance yet, i am trying to make do with whatever time i have and have the best of both worlds.

this month, the plan is to cook for lunch and dinner. lunch meaning something which hubbyLove can bring to work because he’s been skipping lunch a few times already. so i am now researching by the day how to make this happen. one thing for sure is to wake up much earlier and prepare them fast because hubbyLove goes off at 6.30am. i have set my mind on this and i will do it.

i have also set my mind to have a sugar free month this March. i know it already sound hard and i dont know how i will do after a few days. but something clicked in my brain the past few days and i have declaring in my diary that i had my last teh ais and my last iced lemon tea. i want to see if i could finally live without these two fave drinks of all in my whole life. i wanted to go ‘slow’ and perhaps have a one sweet drink per day. and then move on to have totally sugar free days soon. let’s see how it goes this first week of March.

and yes, ‘i am in training for kinabalu’, so even if i work a whole 8 hours a day, i am going to make it happen. start with small exercises, have more walks perhaps, cycle more hopefully and perhaps finally take up running one of these days. i will do it.

and all these in addition to my habits tracking. i have a lot to accomplish.

write it down Seri. it made more sense.

Sugar free days here i come!