re-life

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i had the most beneficial two day course on a weekend nevertheless.
a rediscovery of myself. rethinking and reframing of my life. and literally a work out for both my unconscious and conscious mind.

for the longest time of my life. i have always been unsure of myself. my decisions, my choice, my purpose. i have always been doubtful of what i can do and achieve and always so harsh on myself for not doing enough. i have perhaps put too high expectations on myself but then at the same time, not sure of whether i can do it or not and then i got stressed up and ended up going down. taking exhaustion as my reason of needing a time out (well being the introvert that i am, that is something i have learnt to look at is a need but not an excuse)

and there are moments i just go down and and just hate myself for what i am or not doing.

but these two days, i learnt of ways or tools to get back myself up again. it is definitely not going to be easy but i will practice and practice until i master them. until i master myself.

i am honestly still in that classroom and my brain doesnt seem to want to leave that learning situation. im still floating and reflecting. i am in my contemplation mode. almost like i am a different me and im just getting to know me better. and looking forward to give myself a chance to live up to my potential. without compromising anyone who is important in my life. without compromising ME.

i needed this. i know i have always neglected my self but this time around, i think i know better how to take care of my self.

the unconscious mind is really powerful.

anyway today, it rained after what seemed to be the longest dry season in singapore. subhanAllah. when i saw that it rained, my body seemed to resonate with so much awe and gratitude that our prayers have been answered.

the hipster’s learning

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i am finally done with my mosque officers course. well, it had been a good learning experience, this one. and like a true sacrifice-during-studies drama, my parents were warded one after another, to and fro the hospitals, rush to and fro work. SubhanAllah. today was a final assessment and presentation. our group did way better than expected. great.

such a turnaround of expectations on this course, it truly had been useful and engaging, trainers were great too. despite taking away two working days every week for the past 6 weeks, i felt that it was put to good us, and hey, a good escape too at times. the dread is the amount of work left pending and truly i have pending tasks which would have been completed much earlier. so now it’s back to normal working routine. i probably would miss the monday-tuesday learning escapades.

my learning journey does not end here though. i may have mentioned it somewhere around here, i will taking up a specialist diploma on children and youth counselling. it was a decision of do or die, or in my case, its either do or be intellectually stagnant. i wanted this and alhamdulillah had my husband’s support. and the course will start this friday night! i am nervous-excited as people normally do when they start their first class. i hope they dont have too much group work because i dont think i can handle anymore groupworks at the moment. was pretty lucky i had a good group for mods course, although there were some personality clash but it worked out great at the end.

and this weekend, i will be attending an NLP course, something i had always wanted to attend as well and another just do it decision. so it’s going to be an enriching week!

now what’s left to do is to sign up for as much Islamic courses or workshops available out there. i dont care even if the speakers are my acquaintances or people i used to work with. for learning sake. we are never perfect and we will always need reminders. and hopefully, going to these courses will spark interest from my siblings and hubby as well…

on a sidetrack. i am listening to warpaint and chvrches while typing out this post and i am beginning to regret not going to laneway last month (there were chvrches and daughter among the lineup). so say perhaps warpaint reach this tiny island, i may just go for it. i am a closet hipster after all, so they say.

video disclaimer

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please know that i have no intent to go back to my rebel teenage days of posting my fave bands on my blog. Warpaint’s Billie Holiday was just a test post. but they are awesome arent they?

in another life, i could have been a guitarist. i played the guitar but then i stopped. between what i enjoyed and what i have become. i actually could play for an audience. well some small audience. between what i would have loved doing and what i think people expect of me. i guess life is always about choices. i do sometimes have all these ‘what ifs’. maybe i should turn those what ifs into short stories. oh gosh, im excited just saying it out loud. but i dont know if i have the time or the talent for that anymore.

anyway, i have left the guitar by the dust. i would love to pick it up again.

oh well Billie Holiday sounds like a nice song to be dedicated to my husband, if i understand the song correctly.

(m)enangiskah (h)ati

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hati yang tidak menangis
tidakkah kau merasa sedih
tidakkah kau terasa sayu

mendengar berita itu
membaca kata2 orang tentang berita itu
melihat warta berbincang tentang itu

hati yang tidak menangis
tidak bermakna tidak bersedih
tidak bermakna tidak sayu

pelbagai cerita palsu
pelbagai andaian
pelbagai tuduhan
pelbagai kata yang kononnya bijak bicara
entah apa-apa sahaja

sudahlah diam sahaja
hati ini hanya menangis
melihat kebodohan manusia
melihat hipokrasi si bodoh sombong
melihat mereka yang inginkan populariti saja

sudahlah diam sahaja
biar doa didengar Tuhan
biar doa dihati ikhlas
biar menangis di dalam hati sahaja

sudahlah diam sahaja
engkau tak perlu tahu
jika hati ini tidak menangis

near Him

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On the authority of Abu Hurairah radhiAllahu anhu, reported that the Prophet Muhammad sallAllahu alaihi wa sallam said:

Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala said:
I am as My servant think I am.
I am with him when he makes mention of Me.
If he makes mention on Me to himself,
I make mention of him to Myself.
And if he makes mention of Me in an assembly,
I make mention of him in an assembly better than it.
And if he draws near to Me an arm’s length,
I draw near to him a fathom’s length.
And if he comes to Me walking, I go to him in speed.

forgive

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i forgive the tears i was made to shed
i forgive the pain and the disappointments
i forgive the betrayals and the lies
i forgive the slanders and intrigues
i forgive the hatred and the persecution
i forgive the blows that hurt me
i forgive the wrecked dreams
i forgive the still born hopes
i forgive the hostility and jealousy
i forgive the indifference and ill will
i forgive the injustice carried out in the name of justice
i forgive the anger and the cruelty
i forgive the neglect and the contempt
i forgive the world and all its evils

I will be capable of loving regardless of whether i am loved in return
of giving even when i have nothing
of working happily even in the midst of difficulties
of holding out my hand even when utterly alone and abandoned
of drying my tears even while i weep
of believing even when non one believes in me.

-Hilal, Aleph, Paulo Coelho.

*i realised there are so many blogs out there who repost this, of course the author himself puts it up in his blog. but thank you mr paulo. it is indeed beautiful.

aleph on second

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so i gave the benefit of the doubt and tried reading aleph again.

i was frustrated and did not understand at all what paulo is trying to say in this book and was utterly disappointed with aleph. i finished reading it in about two months before and there was nothing that grasp me to continue reading it. but last wednesday, i was looking through my bookshelf for a book to read, preferably a non fiction, because i was really still having a book euphoria from Quiet. i thought there is no book which is going to take my attention now that my mind is still thinking about all the information i got from Quiet.

my fingers picked aleph, again. i told myself, ok why not. let’s learn to love this book. although i doubt i will love it as much as the alchemist still. but i guess it was a good choice. as of today, only two days after starting reading it, i am left with about 40 more pages. thanks to the waitings and travelling journeys to and fro the hospital. i found myself engrossed in reading it and i finally came to really read and understand what the aleph is. i was so relieved. because i hated finishing a book without knowing what it was all about and rereading it, i finally understood what aleph is and it was exactly what i would have understand it to be if i had read it carefully the first time. and i even came across some quotes and lines which makes me think or simply like.

im feeling happy because of this. excited. im going to finish the 40 pages left and put aleph back on the shelf with the good thinking that it has benefitted me and probably inspired me a bit, as do paulo’s books always have. but. but there is something i dont agree with him in this book. i am so going to talk about it later.

toodles. da.

matrix re-life

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i am watching The Matrix as im typing this and im brought back to a time, in my pre-u days when i had a general paper lesson and guess what the teacher made us do? Watch The Matrix! and i am introduced to a world of learning where it was not based on textbook and from then on, i learnt to watch movies with a critical mind and learn the language at the same time. of all the lessons i have learnt, this particular lesson practically etched itself in my memory. it invoked a sense of learning, wonder, critical inquiry but at that point of time, i have to admit, all the while watching the movie with my schoolmates, i was thinking: why the heck are we watching this movie, wont we get caught by the principal or the discipline mistress, despite the knowledge we are watching this with a teacher in class. but, hey, it’s keanu reeves, if we can watch him in class, why not?! and giggle to his handsomeness along the way. but now, im just thinking, it was still a process of learning. im in the education line now and i realised the need for me to be on par with what is happening around me, the community, the world, the religion. i can say i have been quite ignorant, coz it’s bliss they say. not anymore. as much as my introverted personality wants to shy away from all the chaos, my analytical thinking style would really like to do something about it.

so the machines used in the Matrix, kinda obscure now that the world is more advanced and technology wise more sophisticated and smart than those shown in the Matrix. i never really get to fully understand The Matrix though, not then not now. Dont even talk about the second and third Matrix movie. the second movie, i always stopped watching when it reached the part where they are all partying in what looks like an indigenous cave. so now what, what makes Neo’s life different or more pure than the life the matrix has computerised human to believe in? i just hated the club dancing scene.
so What is Real? well here’s real for you.

life has been a rush these few weeks, aint it? i have this mosque officers course i had to attend and in the midst of it all, my dad had a hard attack and warded in ICU for a night and just when everything is going back to normal, my mother was warded due to high fever and suspected of TB. SubhanAllah. the challenges this family is facing and it is only March. Mom is undergoing treatment now, she’s home but on hospitalisation leave and has to visit the polyclinic everyday for the next two weeks to get her medication. already she’s looking weak and frail, lose weight and have no appetite. and its kind of heart wrenching seeing my father taking care of her at this point of time now when he himself needs to slow down a bit recovering from the heart surgery. so they went through some hard times but i know the depth of love they have for each other. i am glad the choice is still this. life.

i am praying for health in the family, even my husband who himself have been coughing close to two months now. after all this settled, mom, dad and hubby gets well, i am going to do a check up of my own.

2014 has been something, maybe something good will happen soon. pray for health and happiness.

Rabbana aatinaa fiddunya hasanah wa fil akhirati hasanah.

the body cannot live without the mind… so the mind needs to live for the body.

20140302-220017.jpg
so thankful for this day. i have longed for this day for so long. no no it was nothing special. it was just the restorative niche (a term i learned from Quiet;)) i needed. well, along with the menstrual cramps i am having.

as you might have known, i have missed my sundays for so long. but today, i braved myself to forget about work and let the day go through its course and full belief that everything will be ok. i must learn to let go. and alhamdulillah things to have gone fine except for little messages i received from my teachers.

i got to do laundry, read, watch tv, read again, actually do some writing (a blogpost, a review, proposal), power afternoon nap and finally dinner at our fave place (which is at Lau Pa Sat), only the two of us, me and hubby. i loved it. and i think hubby loved it too because he barely have me for a full day nowadays.

i feel i can do work better now. i can face the week. i can take a deep breath, clear minded and do proper work.

Alhamdulillah.

restorative sunday

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